Hello America. Dwight Schrute here. Assistant Regional Manager of
Dunder-Mifflin Paper Products.
This is my web log. Or “blog”. I call it “Schrute-Space”. Because my
last name is “Schrute”. And it is a space. For me to write in.
I am excited to have the BILLIONS of people who rely on the internet
every day (whether it be to look up weather and traffic, to research
academic papers and/or to download pornography) turn to SCHRUTE-SPACE
to get their daily fill of what Dwight has to say.
First Entry:
I hate Salmon. It’s so pink. And it smells like fish. Salmon sucks!
I hate Salmon. I hope they all die in those rivers.
Also:
We had our 5th annual “DUNDIE AWARDS” ceremony the other night.
Michael did not see fit to bless me with an award but I did get my fill
of CHILI’S “Triple Plays” (they call it that, not because it has a
baseball theme, but because it has 3 (THREE!) components to it).
Boneless buffalo wings, Southwestern Eggrolls and chicken crispers!!!
Moist good food. NO SALMON!!!
Also: I did the music/sound/technical/AV elements for the evening.
People were blown out of their seats by how loud I was. They we’re
really impressed with my technique and rhythm. Michael told me I could
do it again next year and that I could wear my camoflage.
I’m thinking about becoming a DJ. DJ’s always need a cool name. I
could be DJ Dwight. Or maybe DJ Schrute. Or DJ Dwight Schrute. Or
DJ D.S. Or DJ BJ. But that’s dirty. So that’s no good. If I wanted
to work children’s parties.
I would be a DJ that specialized in NON-DANCE MUSIC!!! AD/DC. Ratt.
Phil Collins. Insane Clown Posse. Deep Purple. Because not everyone
wants to dance. And I would be their go-to guy.
America. Thanks for reading Schrute-space. I will be back with
another ‘post’ when I think of something that I want to say here.
September 20, 07:19 PM
Hi!
September 23, 11:26 AM
SCHRUTE-SPACE
Dwight Schrute here with another entry on my web-log or “BLOG” entitled Schrute-Space.
I thought of something I wanted to say.
I don’t ‘hate’ salmon. I really, really, really ‘DONT LIKE’ salmon.
Just a clarification. I recieved hundreds (literally TWO!) e-mails from people who actually like salmon and we’re furious with me for insulting their stinky, pink, pukey fish.
If you like salmon so much why don’t you go read the blog of one! Not possible. Salmon don’t keep blogs. They’re too stupid.
Point made.
Also- thanks for all your responses (47!) to my blog. It seems I have the ear of the nation.
LISTEN UP, NATION!
We recently had a sexual harassment seminar at our office. It seems that this was the result of some e-mail forwards. Apparently, someone at Dunder-Mifflin forwarded around a short video segment of a horse having sex with a racoon. Apparently, it was hysterically funny. Apparently, it was the most funniest thing that had ever been forwarded and almost (ALMOST!) everyone laughed until they threw up except for one person (short and blonde) who thought it was racially offensive towards women.
So the corporate big-wigs came in with their tomahawks and made us get sexually sensitive toward each other again.
My opinion is this: WHEN THE HORSE FALLS OVER INTO THAT TROUGH AND WATER SPLASHES ONTO THE RACOON’S LITTLE WHISKERS – THAT IS MOST HYSTERICAL THING EVER SINCE THE VIDEO WHERE THE MONKEY PUTS HIS FINGER IN HIS BUTTOCKS AND SNIFFS IT AND FALLS OUT OF THAT TREE.
Again. America. I really appreciate your responses to my blog. But most of them don’t make any sense. And if you really want to help me out, buy some 50 sheet boxes of Ilford Galerie smooth heavyweight matte paper designed especially for ink-jet printers from DUNDER-MIFFLIN. On sale now.
THAT IS ALL.
Dwight K. Schrute
September 27, 09:31 AM
GIANT BEET
Hello America and the rest of the world. Dwight Schrute here with another installment of Schrute-Space.
Thank you for your 53 responses to my blog. That means 53 people have read what I have to say AT LEAST! That is a LOT of people. 53 people couldn’t fit into a car or even into a truck. We have only 31 people at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Branch. I have over 87 people in my immediate family however. But most of them don’t have the internet as they are farmers. Mostly beet farmers or Amish. The Amish don’t use the internet. Probably because of how slow dial-up is.
Many of you responded to how funny i was or how you wanted me to be your DJ. Like this entry from a man named “snoopy”. I don’t believe Snoopy is the actual cartoon character and I don’t believe that it is Mr. Snoop Doggy Dog. Snoopy says this:
quote
“If you do decide to go forward with your DJ venture, please let me know. I am having a wedding reception for my 2 lesbian friends who are getting married this November and I would love to have you do the music. (They’re all about Phil Collins & ICP?it would be the greatest party ever!) I should warn you that they aren’t the hot, porn-star type lesbians, they’re just regualar butch gals. But that should in no way theaten your masculinity. I’ll wait to hear from you before I book any other DJ.”
unquote
Here is my response:
“Snoopy. I can’t be your DJ. First of all I sell paper and I’m only a DJ at the Dundies Awards. I don’t own my own equipment even. I don’t even really like music. I do, however, like Lesbians. I would like to come to their wedding and just watch. Not participate. Just watch.
“As most of you know, I live with my cousin Mose on a 40 acre working beet farm outside of Wilkes-Barre. Funny story. Yesterday Mose came in and he had the biggest beet you’ve ever seen. It was the size of my head (which is the size of a giant beet!). We laughed and laughed and laughed.
That is all,
Dwight Schrute
October 18, 11:52 AM
Halloween is sooooo close I
Halloween is sooooo close I can almost smell it! I
can almost taste all the candy!
Thank you, America for all of your SCHRUTE-SPACE
costume ideas. My favorite suggestions were:
michael scott
pam
a beet
the crow
chewbacca
a volunteer sherriff’s deputy
and
former FEMA director Michael Brown
None of those are as cool as a Sith Lord, though. So
that is what I am going as. The evil emperor
Palpatine. I’m going to be the scariest guy in the
office. I’m going to scare the pants off Toby. Not
literally. It’s just an expression. It means that
I’m going to really surprise him. He will keep his
pants on.
Every Halloween, Mose and I light a bonfire at the
beet farm. (It’s no longer beet season) We hang
scarecrows from the trees and have spooky sounds
playing all around. We invite all the neighborhood
kids over for candy and punch and beer and hot dogs.
Last year we had a low turnout but it was still fun.
Mose and I got to eat all the beer and candy we
wanted, so that was cool. Then we threw
bottle-rockets into the firey flames and hoped they
didn’t explode right back at us and ignite our hair.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I wish every day
was Halloween.
I hope everyone that reads Schrute-Space gets their
pants scared off of them. Not literally, though.
That is all.
Dwight Schrute
October 26, 08:53 AM
“When the fire heats the
“When the fire heats the water to the boiling point,
we have to keep it lighted with the same intensity,
because if we reduce its flame, the water gets cold.
It is not enough to boil the water, we have to keep it
boiling all the time.”
– a famous oriental/asian karate proverb
That is my philosophy in a nutshell. And that is why
I study KARATE. (pronounced Ka-ra-TE’).
I like to keep my water boiling all the time. That is
the essence of my male power. And why I’m so good at
sales. And why I’m so intense.
Also, I study Karate so that I can injure people HARD
if they wish me and mine harm. I want to be able to
destroy them. I want to be able to kick them in the
neck or throat if they come after me. Which is just a
matter of time.
It’s also good cardio.
Here in Scranton it is 46 degrees and SLEETY. I love
sleet. It’s so bracing. It’s not snow (wimpy) or
rain (annoying). It’s sleet. It’s its own thing.
Sleet is the most unappreciated type of weather. This
winter, let’s all try and have a deeper respect for
sleet and what it does and what it is.
Also- think about the way the throat and swallowing
works. The epiglotis decides what goes where down the
trachea and/or esophogus. But it gets no respect.
This tiny flap of skin in your neck decides if
something is food or air. The food goes to your
tummy. The air goes to your lungs. Without it your
food would go straight into your lungs and clog them
up. You’d have soup in your lungs. Or a sandwich. Or
doritos. Or Fresca. OR you would get air in your
tummy and be a big gassy fart bag all the time. All
that from the tiny, powerful epiglotis.
In many ways, I am like the epiglotis. Small,
unappreciated, not well thought of or respected, but
POWERFUL. So powerful that without me you’d have food
in your lungs.
Thoughts? Questions?
Today’s topic: “What part of the body are YOU most
like?” (and don’t say the genitals or the butt)
That is all.
Dwight K. Schrute
November 07, 11:25 AM
ATTENTION WORLD AND SCRANTON-
HEADLINE:
THE SCHRUTE SHALL SET YOU FREE!
Thanks for all your responses to the question that I
posed about human body parts. There were many body
parts that I had never heard of or thought that much
about. I love bodies. They are our temples. I
worship my body temple.
Yesterday I had a truly unfortunate thing happen. I
was running late to work (as ASSISTANT REGIONAL
MANAGER) at Dunder-Mifflin and made myself a quick
sandwich as I was leaving. I FORGOT TO PUT ANYTHING
ON THE BREAD!!! Imagine my surprise when i unwrapped
from wax paper a sandwich made only of two pieces of
bread with a little mayonnaise on it.
I had to borrow (BORROW!) a piece of lettuce from
Kevin and a soy hot dog from Kelly. I then
supplemented my non-sandwich with some marinara sauce
(from an un-labeled tupperware container) and salt and
pepper and many separate strings from a big string of
string cheese which I had left in the fridge from the
previous week.
BOTTOM LINE: It was a delicious sandwich.
LIFE LESSON: You CAN make lemonade when life hands
you lemons and you CAN make a delicious sandwich from
nothing but friends and food and string cheese.
SIDE BAR: I am looking to start dating again. I ask
you, my fans, friends and readers about dating tips
and what kind of girl I should seek out.
I want good teeth. I want the ability to defend
oneself. I want someone insatiable, not for sex but
for fun and focus.
My cousin Mose recommends me trying to date someone
that can help create connections for my paper sales.
Like an office manager at a large office. But a hot
office manager who appreciates my intensity.
THAT IS ALL
Dwight Kurt Schrute
November 18, 10:27 AM
Why are robots always the
Why are robots always the villains? Why are robots
always portrayed as shifty aggressors with ulterior
motives? Why can’t robots be taken for what they are.
Artificially intelligent creatures who are PROGRAMMED
to serve humanity.
Whether it be household chores, factory work or the
defense of our great nation, robots will someday be a
valued members of our modern society.
Think about it. You can program them to vacuum your
carpet, pick your kids up from school, make a
sandwich, go to home depot… any manner of things.
A coffee maker is a robot.
Think about it:
“I want a cup of coffee. No, make that seven. I
wan’t seven cups of coffee. I want those seven cups
at 6:55 AM. I want seven cups of coffee,
extra-strong. I want the coffee maker to beep me a
warning signal when the requisite cups have been
brewed. I want those seven cups to be kept warm at a
temperature of 103 degrees fareinheit until I have
drunk every drop of hot coffee.” Etc… Etc…
That is robotics. Plain and simple.
Is that so dangerous? Are you afraid of your Mr.
Coffee now? Are you switching to tea? No, you are
not. You love your little coffee robot.
Now a robot is not to be confused with an android.
Androids are humanoid robots. Programmed to behave
just like a human being. Facial expressions,
emotions, even defacation.
The potential for evil being perpetrated in the world
is much greater coming from an android rather than
from a coffee maker.
Androids could, even now, be walking among us.
Probably the creation of another race. And i don’t
mean the Chinese. I mean aliens. Aliens would
definitely have the technology to make a humanoid
android. One that could fit seamlessly into modern
day society and yet be beaming up information about
humanity to the mother-ship. Look around you. Now
look around you again. Now look around you A G A I N.
Think about it.
On another note. Thank you for your dating tips and
ideas. Although, I don’t need any more hints or tips
(or phone numbers or e-mail addresses) because I have
found someone that I care for. Someone close to home,
so to speak.
That is all.
Dwight Schrute
PS Please feel free to post your ideas about robots,
androids or holiday recipes right here on
schrute-space!
January 13, 02:26 PM
THE DHARMA INITIATIVE
Many, many people have written replies to my blogs. Literally TENS
of people from all over the country. Some girls have even included
their email addresses and expressed an interest in getting to know
“Dwight” better in a romantic sense.
[note: I was directed to let all the ladies know that “Dwight” is
off the market. L (sad face)]
But no one, NO ONE!, has ever thought to ask “Dwight” what his
theories were on the mysteries of the show “Lost.”
Watch and learn:
First off, Sawyer is way cooler than Dr. Jack and could kick his
doctor ass if they had a throw down. And this new enormous African
fellow, Eko could kick both their asses in a pinch.
Kate could kick the little blonde mom’s ass. And she could also kick
the fat guy’s ass. And the old bald guy too.
The Korean guy could probably kick the black guy’s ass, as well as
his son who is missing.
But Eko could probably kick Kate and the Korean guy’s ass together at
the same time.
Therefore, I think Kate and Eko should hook up. (plus it would be
kind of funny, because he’s so much taller than she is.)
1) I think the “others” are actually the employees of Oceanic
Airlines. Who has ever heard of Oceanic Airlines! I think it was a
fake airline that purposefully crashes and does experiments on it’s
passengers.
2) I think that the Dharma Initiative would make a cool band name.
3) I think the polar bears are actually hippies from the Dharma
Institute in polar bear outfits.
4) I think the asian guy from the Dharma film is the Korean guy’s
dad. Think about it. They’re BOTH asian.
Those are but some of my many theories. Remember, they are theories
and not fact.
That is All,
Dwight k Schrute.
January 18, 07:09 PM
Schrute-Space: Changing peoples’ lives to be more like mine.
Do you know what costs businesses more than any other
costly thing?
Hurricanes? Stolen office supplies? Unions? Dog
bites?
No.
Tardiness and wrongful or pretend illness are the most
costly and terrible things to affect business. Over
287 billion dollars were wasted last year by people
being late and/or pretending to be sick, when they
weren’t really.
That is horrible.
Dwight Schrute is thinking about starting a business
where I would be like a Private Eye (Jim Rockford) and
investigate false illness and tardiness. Through
surveillance, interogation and humiliation I can save
companies millions. I would call this company “Schrute
Investigations”.
For instance, you are the manager of “Randolph Medical
Supply Corporation” and your accountant named “Oscarp”
does not show up on a very important day, like a day
when you are cleaning your offices from top to bottom.
You get suspicious. You call “Schrute
Investigations” and pronto i would be on that
ne’er-do-well like a fly on SH**!
I would get to the bottom of this “OSCARP” and find
out if he was really sick or off “roller skating” or
something.
Note to all those reading this blog. Be on time.
Only miss a day of work if your life depends on it.
Think about the billions you are costing the American
economy with your selfishness by being tardy or absent
without leave. Think about me busting your A$$ and
think twice.
That is All-
Dwight Schrute
PS. Thoughts about winter.
Winter is the coldest season. For a reason. The sun
moves south, to warm up the Africans and the
Australians and leaves us in the northern climes to
fend for ourselves in the sleet and the frost.
Animals bundle up in their fur and in their caves.
They hybernate and/or store up nuts to feed to their
chicks and young.
When there is a chill in the air, there are colder
weather patterns coming down from Canada.
In Canada it is always winter. Sometimes the sun
never rises in Canada. Harp seals abound until they
are brutally slaughtered by Canadians. They worship
maple syrup, hockey and Alanis Morisette. I hate
Canadians.
Winter.
February 09, 08:24 AM
Valentine’s Day
Valentines day is almost on top of us.
You know what that means. Love is in the air. Romance is in the air. And PROFITS are in the air. Yes, don’t rub your eyes, you read correctly, i said “Profits”.
Fact: Valentines day was created by the flower companies and the hallmark company AND chocolate companies and companies that create little plastic cupid creatures containing candy and fluffy what-nots.
THEY started valentines day to sell all of these ‘romantic goodies’ to unsuspecting sentimental consumers.
I don’t buy it. And neither should you.
Don’t buy anything ‘heart-shaped’, ‘floral’ or made of chocolate this valentines day. Don’t purchase anything with a cupid or fluffy theme to it. Don’t buy anything that contains something else that is cuteand/or romantic. To show your ‘mate’ that you adore them, do something worthwhile for them. Clean up their yard. Shovel something for them. Give their Honda a tune-up. Go to Sam’s Club and buy them a flat of toilet paper and stock it in their basement.
Why not, as the ancients used to, kill something delicious for them and lay it on their door-step. Astag, a salmon, a sow. Or, as someone I have been seeing might suggest, spend the day in penitent prayer on their behalf.
These are just the opinions of the blog author, and not the belief of Dunder-Mifflin, Inc.
That is all.
Dwight Kurt Schrute
PS I understand my recent entries have managed to anger both Canadians and women. I imagine someone like Shania Twain must be doubly upset as she is both. (I think!?) I’m sorry, Shania. I think you are really beautiful. And I understand you are married to a mysterious ugly dude. What’s up with that? I also apologize to Sarah McLaughlin. You are very HOTT and sing like a Canuck angel. I like Canadian women very much. They know how to build igloos and appreciate John Candy films. Thank you for that.
March 01, 10:54 AM
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!!
Dwight Schrute, assistant regional manager, Dunder Mifflin Paper
Products with another installment of Schrutespace.
This blog is going to rock you like a hurricane.
For the past eight years, my cousin Mose and I have been
collaborating on a breakthrough book on sales and selling. I draw on
my experience as a salesman and Mose draws on the fact that he has a
lot of spare time on his hands these days as the beets have all been
harvested.
Our magnum opus is entitled:
SELL THIS!: How to Literally Kill the Competition by Dwight and Mose
Schrute.
Here is a small sample.
CHAPTER 1
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG
Question: Why do retailers say ‘the customer is always right’?
Answer: I have no idea.
The customer doesn’t know sh**. Seriously. If it were up to them,
they wouldn’t buy anything from you. They would just go along with
the products and services that they have and not buy more paper from
you (or whatever else you might be selling to them, such as office
supplies.)
How do we change the customer?
Simple. Convince them that they need to buy what you are selling.
How?
Easy. Like a tiger which hypnotizes it’s prey, you must overwhelm
them with the force of your
1) aura
2) eyes
3) intensity
4) reason
5) good prices
Seduce them with your power and get to know them like a small lover.
Intimacy sells! Ravish them. Use force if necessary. Kiss them
with your products. And, finally, make sure you call them the next day.
That is just a taste of Schrute. Just a glimpse of the sales
opportunities that await you and your cousin.
That is all.
Dwight K. Schrute
PS I have formed an internet page in order to gain more sales and
give more sales tips. It is called www.myspace.com/dwightkschrute
April 06, 03:32 PM
Hello, Schrute fans. Dwight Kurt here creating another ripple in the “blogosphere”.
“Blogosphere” is another word that I just learned. It means “the
world of blogs and blog readership.” Unquote.
Here are some of my other favorite words:
“Sniffles”. That word sounds exactly like it means. Plus, I have them.
“Monkey”. That’s a word that is funny pretty much anywhere and
anytime you use it. You can plug it in anywhere for hilarity. For
instance: “Hey Kevin, you accountant-monkey, why are you so gassy?”
“Ass” also works in the same way.
“Nebula”. Not sure why, just like it.
“Corn”. Because that’s what OUR people call it.
“Smith and Wesson”. No need to explain the power behind those words.
“Mordor”. It just sounds like an evil place, doesn’t it? I wouldn’t
want to go there unless I had to, in order to throw the ONE RING into
the volcano that’s there. Now, “Mines of Moria” doesn’t really work
that way. “Moria” sounds like a nice happy place filled with
shoppers. The Mines of Moria could be an outlet mall.
“Starbuck”. No explanation necessary.
“Salesman of the Year”. Those words send a tingle down my very long
spine.
Do you have any favorite words that I should add to my list?
That, as always, is all.
Dwight K. Schrute
April 27, 04:04 PM
MY MORNING, by DWIGHT K SCHRUTE
GOOD MORNING VIET-SCRANTON!!!!!!!!!!
This morning I followed my regular routine:
Woke up at 4:45 AM.
Ate 3 eggs (over hard) with 6 strips of bacon and 10
microwave tater tots (Ore-Ida [which, by the way,
stands for Oregon-Idaho]) with one 24 oz cup of black
coffee (with milk and sugar).
Defecated. (sp?)
Listened to Rock 107. (Which, by the way, is
sponsoring Sammy Hagar’s tour [see below courtesy of
the Rock 107 website]
“Sammy Hagar to Rock Montage!
Rock 107 presents Sammy Hagar’s “Livin’ It Up Tour
2006,” coming to the Toyota Pavilion at Montage
Mountain on Sunday July 2nd.
The “Livin’ It Up” tour includes all the prime
elements for Cabo Wabo partying. The tour will create
an outdoor Cabo Wabo experience beginning in the
afternoon with a village-like set up that features
bikini girls, body builders, mariachi bands, a
WaboritaT bar, festive food vendors, beach volleyball,
contests and much more. Concert goers will be partying
from the second they arrive as “Sambassadors” greet
party goers as they park their cars and escort them
directly to the party area.”
{I can’t wait. I can’t believe there’s going to be a
Cabo Wabo experience there. I’m not sure what that is
but I am on board. I am definitely applying to be a
“Sambassador” as well and enjoying a “waborita T”}
Then I consulted with Mose about the affairs of our
working 40 acre beet farm, Schrute Farms. Seems Mose
had gotten a little behind on our fertilizer payments
(idiot! But I love him) and someone (me) had to go
rectify the situation.
After a half hour workout with my spud gun, crossbow
and throwing stars out at the range, I hit the
showers. 2 OZ of Clairol Herbal Essence later, I was
ready to rock like a hurricane. (No offense to the
good people of Louisiana. None taken. Good.)
It was then 6:30 AM and Dwight Schrute was ready to
head into town and attempt to make Dunder-Mifflin
Sales history by being the employee that was earliest
to arrive at work EVER!
After completing this, my blog, I am off to the races.
That is a mere glimpse of the morning routine that
drives this Schrute to the tippy top of the ladder of
success. I hope it inspires.
That is all.
Dwight K. Schrute
July 18, 12:30 PM
LOST BATTLESTAR
Dwight Schrute here with a much belated addition to my ‘blog’.
“Where the F- have you been!?”, scream my (literally) hundreds of
readers.
Well, I’ll tell you. There have been some big changes at Dunder-
Mifflin and I have been busy as a beaver.
[Note: I know full well that that phrase makes no sense whatsoever.
Beavers are not busy unless their dams are continually knocked down
and destroyed by pesky neighborhood kids and/or storms]
Plus with the beet harvesting and my laser tag team (the Gandalfs!)
making it to regionals, my time has been quite limited.
There is a question that has been eating away at me like a flesh
eating bacteria or a wolverine.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE CAST OF BATTLESTAR GALACTICA CRASH LANDED ON THE “LOST” ISLAND???!!!
First of all, they would have lasers. Adama would quickly secure the
hatch for his crew. The survivors of the Oceanic flight 815 would be
herded up like little children and inspected like cattle.
“Could these people actually be Cylons!” Starbuck would be thinking
to herself. Then she would think, “That one who calls himself Sawyer
is pretty hot. I wonder what he would look like swimming in just his
jeans.”
Starbuck would take Sawyer on a reconnoiter of the island and they
would visit the swimming hole and start necking. And then Kate and
Apollo would stumble upon them and they would all be getting it on
when a huge crashing would come through the jungle and one of those
huge unseen monsters would tower above them (the monsters that
disappeared after episode 8 of season 1) and they would be
screaming.
AHHHHH!!!!
Cut to commercial.
Meanwhile back at the hatch, Adama would want to imprison the “Lost”
cast in the old cave with the creek in it, but president “Roslin”
would want to reason with them and have both casts mate in order to
create more surviving humans.
Meanwhile the Cylons would have contacted the Others and they would
form an “alliance” to destroy all the good humans and especially that
annoying French woman who lives on the other side of the island.
Starbuck would shoot the unseen monster and Sawyer would say
something witty and sexy, like “Nice shot, blondie. Where’d you
learn to shoot a laser like that? From watching princess Leia?”
She would say, “Put a sock in it Sawyer” but the attraction would be
too much for them and they would have to start making out again.
MORE NEXT WEEK on THE CONTINUING SAGA OF “LOST BATTLESTAR?”!!!
September 12, 01:28 PM
THE FALL IS HERE AND SO ARE WE
First of all, “fall” is my favorite of the four
seasons (next to summer and spring of course).
And here is a little known fact: They call it fall
because people fall down a great deal over all the
leaves and branches. It also gets icy later on in the
season and that ice on the puddles gets covered with
leaves and brambles and such.
In my humble opinion they should call it “horrifying
accident waiting to happen” or “trip” or “lookout for
leaves!”
Here are some of the many things that happen in the
fall:
The children of the world, dressed in their best new
clothes from Sears, go to class, with their hair
slicked down, their new eyeglass frames and their
throwing stars hidden beneath their notebooks.
Football season starts. Campaigns get under way.
Deers get ready to get hunted.
AND THE NEW SEASON OF “LOST” BEGINS!!!
What the $^$fjol!!09 is going to happen? Sawyer and
Kate and Jack have been absconsed by the OTHERS and
their mysterious, charismatic leader (who played that
psycho killer from “The Practice”) I am on pins and
staples!
I would also like to say a few words about gays.
“Gay” used to mean jolly. Now it means a man or a
woman who likes to make out with other men or women.
Now, according to all Schrutes: Who and what people
make out with is their own business.
My uncle Gunther used to tend goats and there were
some very viscous rumors going around the village.
When he fled the invasion he met a Finnish woman and
they had 17 children. That put those rumors to rest
once and for all.
Judge not, lest ye be a judge.
That is all.
October 04, 09:20 AM
POWER
“Knowledge is power.” – Frances Bacon
“Information is power.” – Dwight Schrute
“Power is power.” – Dwight Schrute
When I was a little boy (age 11), my Uncle Grit, took
me out back to the stand of maples by Schrood creek.
He brought his binoculars (Zeiss Victory 8×42 T FL)
and shook them tenderly out of their case. He put his
hand on my shoulder and the binocs to my little round
eyes. He then showed me, high up on a branch, a
strange doll with a noose around it’s neck, hanging
from an upper branch.
“What is that, Uncle Grit?”
“That, ‘D-cup’ (for that is what he called me), is a
Harry S. Truman doll. It was hung there in protest
effigy by myself and seven of my brothers in 1948. We
we’re huge ‘Dewey’ fans and felt Truman was a traitor
to the cause. We hung it in a place where only us
Schrutes knew of it, so we wouldn’t get arrested or
anything. This is a Schrute secret. And as you are
now a man, I am letting you know.”
I knew at that point that I had become a Schrute. I
had become a man.
Cut to: a nuclear explosion off the coast of
Scotland.
Just kidding.
Cut to: 5 years later.
I am showing little Johnny Hecht around the property.
He has entered the family through marriage (Cousin
Helga and Hank Hecht who managed the ice rink).
I have a crossroads in front of me. Two roads
diverged in the yellow snow. And I took the one less
traveled on.
I told little Johnny about the Truman effigy.
Why? Why, do you ask? Why did you betray your Uncle
Grit by telling a non-Schrute about the doll?
Simple. Power.
I told little Johnny about the doll and told him that
he was now the recipient of privileged information
that could get him killed or worse if it ever got out.
Johnny gasped and swore his allegiance to me for all
time.
Little Johnny was now mine. I controlled him. Like a
pawn in my own private game of Schrute chess. Like a
golem from Yiddish lore.
That, my friends and readers, is how one uses
powerfully uses power to gain power.
Lesson learned? Don’t “F” with a Schrute.
That is All.
Dwight K. Schrute
Post Script. Where is Johnny now you ask? Serving
with honor in the Coast Guard off the coast of Naples,
Florida. The exact same Coast Guard featured in the
hit movie “The Guardian” starring Ashton Kutcher.
October 19, 11:16 AM
Beets and Me
“It is difficult to believe how the hardy, crunchy often rough looking exterior of raw beets can be transformed into something wonderfully soft and buttery once they are cooked.”
-The Internet
“Beets have the highest sugar content of all vegetables, yet are very low in calories.”
-From a website
Varieties
Ruby Red – early crop, flat to globular root?
Detroit Dark Red – main crop, globular root
Monogerm – single-seeded variety?
Formanova – long tubular root?
Crobsy Greentop?
Red Ace
There are also golden beets. They are not made out of gold, but just gold in hue. I love the word hue. Why isn’t it used more? It only seems to be used in relation to the X-men, ie: Hue Jackman.
There are three sub-species of beet, The Sea Beet, the Beta Vulgaris and Chard. Chard is often called “swiss chard” because it is from Switzerland and the the swiss eat it like candy. I wish I could grow candy. But candy doesn’t grow on farms. At least not in northeastern Pennsylvania.
Here’s what they look like:
The enemies of the beet are the cutworm and the aphid. They are horrible. They eat and infest beets. They are of Satan. The black cutworm larvae is gray to dark brown above and has a greasy appearance. Faint light stripes run lengthwise down the body.
My great great grandfather Manheim cultivated Beets in Manheim, Germany. Some of the worlds greatest emporers and Czars have sipped Borscht made from the Beets of a Schrute. Then they wiped their Germanic lips and went off to conquer, warm tummies filled with my beet juice.
How does that make me feel? One word: Impotant.
Farming begins with the soil. That is why each day at dawn, Mose and I go to various points of the farm and taste the dirt. Literally. You can tell the PH and what I call the ‘loam factor’ with different parts of the tongue. Come to Schute farm at dawn and you will see the sillouettes of two lanky German farmers swirling dirt in their mouths as if it was a fine wine.
Do you have any beet stories or recipes or fun facts or pictures or lore, feel free to post below. Mose is known to read the responses and maybe he’ll learn something worth passing on to me, his cousin, Dwight.
by Dwight K. Schrute
November 16, 10:54 PM
HOW TO WORK WELL WITH OTHERS
A blog on the internet,
By Dwight K. Schrute
Sometimes people need to learn to work together and cooperate. This is called sharing. They teach it to kids.
We learned it while growing up on Schrute Farm.
Grampa Schrute used to say “Learn to share or I’ll eat you.”
Grampa Manheim used to say “Share and share alike, but do it better than the other kid.”
Here’s an example of getting along in a workplace environment:
For instance, you need to use the copy machine, and another co-worker, (who is huge and dumb as a musk oxen and works in accounting) is already using the machine to photocopy a picture of a girl with a surfboard from a magazine.
When I find myself in this situation, I become like the Governator from Terminator 1 and have these 3-4 choices pop up on a screen inside my human head.
The choices might be:
1) Stop what you are doing now and let me use the machine because I am your superior in every way.
2) Use a dragon pinch on his Carotid artery and cause him to collapse. (Jump back! Don’t get trapped under there!)
3) Yell out, “there’s a box of day old donut holes in the kitchen and they’re going fast!” as a diversion.
4) Say, “Excuse me, Kevin, but I have some very important Assistant Regional Manager photocopying to do and as soon as you can possibly finish up, I would ever so greatly appreciate it. So, whenever you’re done… ”
So, assuming that I’m not forced or goaded into a dragon pinch (TM) I would opt for the polite, civil and beneficent option 4.
That is called working well with others.
We have recently had a situation at the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin (which rules, by the way! It will always be #1. Yeeehaw!) in which some of the cast-offs from Stamford have been sent over to work with us, or work under us as the case may be.
People ask me all the time, ‘Dwight, how did you get to be what you are.’ And ‘How do you always, get to the top of the heap’ and ‘Is there any more of that Marmalade?’ (That was Mose in that last one. Actually those were ALL from Mose.)
I answer, “First, establish dominance. Second, show everyone who’s boss. Third, use humor and or sexuality to get what you want. Fourth: Get to work earliest. Fifth, Don’t let anyone see your flaws. Sixth, ‘ABC’ Which stands for ‘Always Be Closing’. Seventh, don’t let Jim beat you at anything. Eighth, remember that ancient Celtic war chant, still used at many school sporting events, ‘Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive! Be Aggressive! Be Be Aggressive!”
I hope that has answered some of your questions.
Until next time, I am,
Dwight K. Schrute
PS. That is all.
January 04, 05:33 PM
Dear World Wide Readership
Best wishes and Happy New Year from all of us at Dunder Mifflin Paper Products and Schrute Farms! (Note the exclamation point! I really mean it!!)
Before I speak to you about my new years resolutions for ’07’, let’s go over some past resolutions and their current status.
’99 – quit biting fingernails.
Outcome? Done. On it. Haven’t chewed them since. Ever. Not one nibble. Even when I get a hangnail.
’00 – increase farm productivity by 18%.
Outcome? Schrute Farms had a record harvest that year surpassing ’99 by over 21%. Home run.
’01 – increase farm productivity by additional 4%.
Outcome? Not achieved. Profits increased by 7% but productivity when down by 2.5 %. It was a very dark time. Things got kind of ugly. (This was the year Mose gave up his moto-cross dream and hunkered down and committed to doing some serious beet farmin’.)
’02 – be more social.
This was the year I got into online gaming. Also began 4 year championship laser tag run. Went on more than 3 dates. Spruced up wardrobe. Switched deodorant to the kind that the sailors use.
’03 – write and record my songs and music.
Outcome? Not necessary. Decided against it. Waste of time. Songs are for children and inmates. Switched resolution to increase farm productivity by additional 3%. Achieved new resolution.
’04 – find mate.
Outcome? Dated more than 2 different women during this calendar year. Kissed approximately one of them on the mouth.
Increased sales, was voted top salesman by Dunder Mifflin, won first ‘Dundie’ Award (TM), increased farm productivity by 2.7%, asked for and received raise, spent Christmas with Michael Scott, took Mose to the international harvester exposition (and Indian casino), moved up to a daily regimen of 27 pushups and 85 situps.
Did not achieve goal of finding mate.
Am OK with that.
’05 – Can’t remember what I resolved to do.
These pages in my diary are covered in chocolate milk.
’06 – Become top regional salesperson third year running and achieve ‘assistant regional manager’ status.
Done and done. Also found potential mate. Also vanquished Jim. Purchased spud gun. Learned Klingon. Personally saved Scranton branch from being downsized.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Drum-roll please…. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
Dwight Schrute’s New Years Resolution ’07
I, Dwight Schrute, resolve, in the year 2007, to display more wisdom and benelovence to my inferiors.
It is said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well I say, keep everyone as close as possible to you because you don’t know who is your friend or your enemy. Keep the people below you even closer if that’s possible. Even if they have to be inside you.
Remember: they work for you. They must respect you. If you can fool them into thinking that you really care, you can get them to do anything for you. Even kill if necessary.
Now I’m not saying I want Ryan or Kevin to kill a competitor or Andy or anything, but it would be nice to know that they would if I asked them to.
What are your new years resolutions. You can reply by clicking on something below.
That is all.
Dwight K. Schrute
March 15, 09:26 PM
WEB LOG
I am no longer calling SchruteSpace a “blog”. It is now being called by its un-compacted name “web log”.
Welcome to my web log.
When I die, here’s how I want my funeral.
I would like Michael Scott to fashion my coffin from Dunder Mifflin paper boxes and duct tape. My pillow will be the cushion from my chair (product # 497 -A8).
I want it to be 6’8″ long and 3′ wide with ventilation holes in case I come back to life for some reason.
I would like to be buried with several things.
1) My lover’s cat and/or my lover
2) My bobblehead
3) A cd of the Grassroots “Golden Grass” as well as anything by White Zombie
4) Michael Scott’s hair lock
5) My 2005 Pennsylvania State Fair prize winning beet “The Governator”
6) My spud gun
7) My lover’s Bible
8) My album of sales awards, high school diploma, 2 year Associates degree in Business, business cards
9) Death certificate
10) Garlic
I would like Michael Scott to make a graveside speech. In it he should mention a few things, such as:
“Dwight Kurt Schrute was the best assistant regional manager I will ever have.”
And
“I loved this man more than Andy or Jim or Pam.”
(note: he does not have to include ‘Jan’ in said speech.)
I would like Mose to play Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue” on his whirligig.
Cold beet salad with Venison and mustard greens will be the menu. All will enjoy.
I want Jim to get on his knees and beg my forgiveness and while he’s in mid cry Mose will hit him in the back of his head with an oar.
Please make sure these specifications are followed to the letter or I will come back from the grave and
haunt each and every reader of this web log. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
In all sincerity that is all,
Dwight K. Schrute
May 10, 06:02 PM
When Ninjas Attack!
Every year, when spring comes, my mind goes to one place and one place only, Ninjas.
Every time you read about Ninja’s attacking somebody or assassinating some public figure, it seems to happen in the spring. I’m not sure why, it’s just the way it is.
Maybe it’s the fact that the spring is traditionally the new year in most pagan religions. It is also the Persian festival, “Naw Ruz” or “New Year”.
Whether it is a throwing star to the neck at a bowling alley, a poison spike that sails through an open window and lodges itself in the fleshy part of the leg, or a mysterious black-clad figure with a bo staff, perched up on the ceiling of your garage as you pull in your car from your awesome job, ninja attacks can and will happen anywhere and anytime.
And they happen to the best people too. Just ask my cousin Heindl. She has lost 12% hearing in her left ear from one.
Things to remember:
Be alert. Everybody loves a lert. (Ziggy joke)
Check ceilings first, when doing your safety inspections, that’s where they like to ‘hang’.
The best defense against a ‘shuriken’ or throwing star is a good offense. Also, armor.
You will never beat a ninja at a sword fight, one on one. When the Ninja draws his sword, fire your taser (TM). A well placed taser (TM) will take out even the most deadly of ninjas.
Show them that you know they’re there. Shout out, when entering a new locale or a suspicious locale, “I know you’re there, Mr. Ninja. Your element of surprise has now been taken away” [I’ve gotten many ‘funny’ looks for this kind of preparedness, but so be it. That is a risk I’m willing to take. Are YOU!?]
But most importantly, remember that a Ninja is only trying to kill you if someone has hired that ninja to do so. So for every ass-kicking Ninja trying to take someone out there is some alienated girlfriend, some enemy rival at the workplace or some Japanese feudal lord who has paid that Ninja to kill. Or worse.
I hope this web log has made your spring a more beautiful and restful time. That was the author’s intent. Also, fear.
Dwight Kurt Schrute, Assistant Regional manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper
Chairman and Founder, Lackawanna County Ninja Preparedness Council