The Third Floor, Webisode 01

01. Season7 The Third Floor P1
02. Season7 The Third Floor P2
03. Season7 The Third Floor P3

“Moving On”
Transcribed by Erica

[music playing]
Erin: I’m Just the Girl Next Door is our best song ever. Your voice just keeps getting better.
Kelly: Thanks Erin. But you know it only got two views. You know what I think it is? I think that music and dance are dead. It’s everywhere. You know, I turn on the TV and someone is just like, singing in my face. Lady Gaga or some four-year-old is crying because Lady Gaga won’t be their mom or whatever? It’s just too much.
Erin: It’s the economy.
Kelly: I think it’s just time that we move on.
Erin: Oh. It was so much fun being famous, everyone hearing my name.
Kelly: Oh, I’m not giving up on fame. I mean, we’re gonna still be famous.
Erin: Oh good.
Kelly: OK, I want to express myself, but I have nothing to say and no medium with which to do it.
Kevin: Performing isn’t necessarily the only way to express yourself. For example, I write poetry. In a book.
Erin: That’s so cool Kevin.
Kevin: Thank you.
Kevin: This is a haiku I wrote: Beauty approaches; I am brought under its spell; I long to be with. Then I ran out of syllables.
Ryan: It’s not like they have anything else to do, okay? They’re old – their bingo cards aren’t going anywhere.
Ryan: Picture this: fifty ancient zombies, traipsing through the pot-hole-ridden streets of Scranton, out for blood. Sounds scary, right? Too bad you’ll never see it because the idiot manager at the Evergreen old folks home thinks it sounds [air quotes] exploitative. So, that’s where we’re at right now.
Ryan: [on phone] Okay, your level of hysteria makes me think maybe you’re not in charge. Is there a supervisor I can… oh.
Kelly: What’s going on?
Ryan: I was making a horror movie. But the retirement home won’t let me use any of their old people. They wouldn’t even let me ask.
Kelly: Well… we could be in it. You could use us.
Ryan: No.
Kelly: Ryan, lots of directors use their girlfriends.
Ryan: Okay, you’re not my girlfriend. We’re linked.
Kelly: Ryan, look, you know I can scream. I scream at you all the time and then you could shoot in this office for free.
Ryan: I guess if the director of Paranormal Activity can take a bunch of unknowns and a crap location and make it a hit, so can I.
Kelly & Erin together: [singing] We’ve got our outlet. We’ve got our outlet.
Kelly: No more singing and dancing for us.
Erin: [singing] We’ve got our outlet.

The Third Floor, Webisode 02
“Lights, Camera, Action!”

Erin: [screams and jumps out from behind copier]
Angela: [screams]
Ryan: Cut! Got it! Very authentic looking. Amazing.
Angela: She gave me a heart attack!
Erin: I’m so sorry Angela.
Ryan: We needed a real reaction for the scene to work and we got it. Congratulations. [To Erin] You’re amazing. [To Angela] You are so good!
Angela: Is that even a fake knife?
Ryan: A prop knife actually costs ten times more than a real knife and we have lots of knives, so…
Gabe: I know you want to make your movie, but you can not scare people in the office.
Ryan: Well Gabe, I looked through the handbook and it doesn’t say anything about not being allowed to make horror movies in the office.
Gabe: But it does say that you can not bring weapons into work…
Erin: [grunting, wielding axe]
Gabe: [screams then cries]
Kelly: [screaming] Run!
Gabe: Where? There’s nowhere to run! [gathering himself] Okay…
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Gabe: You can not sneak up on people wielding weapons anymore. It’s petrifying and frankly, it’s unprofessional.
Ryan: It’s unprofessional for you. But for me, making films is my profession.
Gabe: Look, I don’t want to have to threaten you, but you have to stop this production or I will…
Ryan: Whoa. Wait. Stop right there. Your voice, just now. It sounded really resonant and commanding. I have an idea that is so nuts… I feel like we kinda have to do it. Would you consider doing voiceover work on my film?
Gabe: Really?
Ryan: Yeah.
Gabe: People usually say my voice is really nasally. Stepdad says I sound like Truman Capote, but gayer.
Kevin: Quit playing hard to get, Gabe. You know you have a great voice.
Gabe: I would love to.
Ryan: Awesome. I’ll direct. I’ll produce. I’ll act. I’ll write the score. I’ll be the first to wear all four hats.
Gabe: Um, well, Clint Eastwood already does all that.
Ryan: mmm I guess so. But does he also play his own soundtrack? [picks up saxophone and plays three notes] Let’s make a movie guys, huuh!
Gabe: Huuh.

The Third Floor, Webisode 03
“The Final Product”

Gabe: [voiceover] She assumed it was just another typical day at work.
Kelly: So how can I help you?
Meredith: [with accent] I would like to buy some paper, but I haven’t any money.
Kelly: Well this is America, so you should just get a job or something.
Meredith: I give you curse! May the spirits of the serial killers of the past combine forces and haunt the third floor for all eternity! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Kelly: Guess her good eye isn’t that good because this is the second floor.
Kevin: Hello? Is anybody here?
Erin: [scary voice] Not somebody. Parts from many!
Kevin: [screams] Oh no! Oh. It’s locked! Please, don’t. I have a family.
Creed: I have never seen anything like it. It has the right arm of Lizzie Borden, the left arm of Jeffrey Dahmer, the heart of Jack the Ripper and the legs of all the serial killers who ever got away.
Erin: [screams]
Angela: [screams]
Gabe: You can’t bring weapons into work, so…
Erin: Whack!
Gabe: [screams]
Kelly: We’re on the second floor. Why are these murders happening?
Ryan: Haven’t you heard? During renovations, we added a basement, making this the third floor.
Erin: [growling]
Kelly: [screams] Oh no, it’s you, the murdering corpse! [crying] No!
Kelly: No, no, no, no! Oh God No. Oh, Thank God. I’m safe. I’m safe. [screams]
Erin: [grunting]
Kelly: Help! Somebody help me! [screams] No! [yelling]
Kelly: Oh God. Come on! Come on! Come on! [screams]
Gabe: [voiceover] Third Floor’s the harm!