NOTE: This is by no means a definitive list of the best quotes! This is just a compilation of a lot of the greats. It’s all a matter of opinion. Please don’t freak out if your favorite quote is not on the list!
Pam: OK, I like your food.
Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I’m Australian, mate!
Michael: Pam, come on. “I like your food.” Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let’s do it. Let’s get ugly. Let’s get real.
Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Pam: I’m inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let’s say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That’s spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Jim: Thank you.
Dwight: I didn’t do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for… maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What’s the scuttlebutt?
Stanley: I’m sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why “of course”?
Stanley: What’s that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don’t know. I don’t remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um… other starters… Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Pam: I don’t think so Michael. Besides, I can’t cheer against my fiance.
Jim: I’ll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and…
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…
Jan: And you had a luau….
Michael: …it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Pam: He said what?
Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let’s get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Kelly: Let go of me!
Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They’ll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let’s go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!
Jim: I’m a three hole punch version of Jim. ‘Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis: That’s great!
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well look… [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I am Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Michael: I haven’t signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Pam: He’s a purple belt. That’s really high.
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley: [Stanley’s fork breaks.] Of course.
Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan: I forget it, brutha.
Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you’re disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who’s Dwigt?
Stanley: Oh, yes. Let’s listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God, Stanley, that’s frickin’ brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley: Oh, no, that’s ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael: No kidding.
Stanley: It’s all about my bonus.
Michael: All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.
Dwight: No trades.
Jim: Come on, it’s a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight: “A real man makes his own luck.” Billy Zane. Titanic.
Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight: No. I want it. I’m going to use it.
Jim: You don’t even drink tea.
Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..
JIm: Okay ..
Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]
Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it’s a little too much to handle.
Captain Jack: Okay…
Dwight: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh… usually it’s a woman.
Dwight: I’m stronger.
Michael: Really? You’re kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan…
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She’s really funny, and she’s warm. And she’s just… well, anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don’t give up.
Jim: She’s engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain’t married.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
Michael: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so…
Jan: That’s not what it’s called.
Toby: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?
Michael: What? What does that even…
Jan: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It’s not like gay… shame festival.
Toby: All right, now Oscar’s feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that’s your fault.
Michael: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
Michael: I don’t kn–
Jan: No, it’s not possible.
Michael: Anything’s possible.
Jan: You know, imagine… you were gay.
Michael: [laughs] Well, I’m not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
Pam: Oh, God.
Pam: [phone rings] What.
Michael: Come here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! … Ryaaaaan … RYYYYAN!
Pam: Well. I don’t know.
Michael: If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]
Oscar: Mexican isn’t offensive.
Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like… I don’t… I don’t know.
Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty…
Oscar: I’m just curious.
Michael: …empathy, respect…
Dwight: You mean, like a ham?
Pam: No, not like a ham. It’s about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight: Ok, I get it.
Pam: That you remember her.
Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]
Dwight: I really don’t think so.
Michael: I don’t know, I can imagine her with another woman, can’t you?
Dwight: [creepy smile]
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael: [reading] “This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” [flips to another paper] “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” Gah. “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just… took ’em all out.
Michael: [reading] “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers’.”
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: “By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.
Ryan: Yes, I–
Stanley: Boy have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it! Whatcha lookin’ for, ain’t nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he’s not gonna help you if you don’t stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I… guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Jim: …It’s something to think about.
Kevin: An emergency like, you have an ice cream cake, and you’re in the sun, and it’s melting?
Angela: You don’t use it to buy refrigerators, Kevin!
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I’d still like one.
Creed: I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat…
Dwight: And my middle name is ‘Kurt’, not ‘Fart’.
Jim: What did I write?
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Michael: That’s a dog.
Pam: No, that’s Afghan.
Michael: That’s a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
Jim: I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I um… I… I can’t.
Pam: You have no idea…
Jim: Don’t do that.
Pam: …what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can’t. I’m really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It’s probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Pam: Me too. …I think we’re just drunk.
Jim: No I’m not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No… [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim—
Jim: Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] …Ok.
Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael: Whoa. What are those stains?
Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael: Oh, God, I hope it’s urine.
Jim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call… well, I gotta call somebody, I don’t even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!
Jim: Oh, there’s no game. We’re just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Jim: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your… butt?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I’ve heard that before.
Dwight: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, …
Ryan: Because he’s my son. The doctor is the boy’s mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling…
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter.
Ryan: It’s a polar bear because you’re at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!
Ryan: I don’t think you know what you’re saying.
Dwight: I see dead people.
Michael: Okay. Spoiler… alert.
Dwight: He was dead the whole time.
Michael: Just stop it.
Kelly’s Mom: So you’re saving money…
Kelly’s Mom: …to start a family and home.
Ryan: Oh, um… or travel. And, um… and buy an Xbox.
Kevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn’t it? If I’d brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It’s collard greens.
Stanley: It’s collard greens.
Michael: That doesn’t really make sense. Because you don’t call them collared people, that’s offensive. Hmmm… OK, well, it’s after five. So… Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the…
Michael: Why don’t you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley: Oh, thanks.
Michael: There you go.
Stanley: This isn’t the big surprise, is it? Because we’ve been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn’t the surprise. It’s surprising, um… because you didn’t expect it. But you will… you’ll know it when you see it.
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you’re somebody else?
Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that’s just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody’s bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap!
Ryan: Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]
Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong?!
Michael: Everything’s wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight: Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]
Michael: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP ANGELA!
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with… [Jim slaps Dwight]
Creed: Animals can’t feel pain.
Kelly: Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go… NOW!
Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I— I ain’t that strong. And I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Jim: Oh hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It’s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You’re not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I’m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Kevin: I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Andy: White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don’t sit on it.
Dwight: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don’t wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight: You’re not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn’t you say?
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees.
Dwight: Trees! And where do trees grow?
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest.
Dwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say… is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head “no”] Wrong! It’s nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous… state?
Dwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don’t want it.
Dwight: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight: We— Don’t you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Andy: That’s it!
Andy: Class is canceled, everybody out!
Dwight: No wait, what are you doing?!
Andy: I’m punishing them.
Dwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Everyone: [grumbling, getting loud]
Pam: HEY! COME ON! Let’s listen to Dwight’s presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]
Oscar: What— What are you winking for?
Dwight: Zip your lid!
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Jim: All right. Then… it’s a date.
Pam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I’m sorry, what was the question?
Toby: Oh, Michael, you can’t ask about religious beliefs…
Michael: Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby: Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let’s just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
Stanley: I’m… um, Catholic.
Pam: Oh me too.
Pam: [puts hand up for high five] Same religion.
Darryl: Alright! [high fives Pam]
Phyllis: I’m a Lutheran and Bob’s a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy.
Angela: That’s why we’re cursed.
Kelly: If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael: Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there’s some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just… the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah… the body of a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.
Pam: I can help you with that.
Phyllis: Did you plan it?
Michael: No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]
Pam: [reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?
Michael: Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam: You might want to trim it a little.
Phyllis: Michael… [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress]
Kelly: [reading sign] Oh, is… Ryan coming back today?
Pam: Yeah, he is.
Holly: Wikka wikka wikka what?
Holly: No! You do not talk to him like that!
Angela: But he’s an idiot!
Holly: He is not an idiot!
Kevin: Thank you, Holly.
Holly: He is mentally challenged. But he’s doing a super job here.
Kevin: Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?
Holly: Well, no. Dwight…
Angela: Oh, Holly, that is very offensive.
Holly: I’m sorry.
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.
Jim: That’s not what that is.
Creed: Fright. Being scared to death.
Holly: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don’t follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.
Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.
Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.
Michael: This is how we’re gonna do it. Five pounds. I’m asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim’s 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim: No, you’re definitely the problem.
Dwight: This is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.
Dwight: She should thank me.
Michael: Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
Phyllis: Why should I have to thank him?
Michael: You’re right, you’re right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok.
Dwight: [exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.
Michael: Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don’t you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let’s all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate… their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She’s a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?
Ryan: [stands up] Everything. She’s perfect.
Meredith: I like her nails.
Michael: Ok, be more specific.
Meredith: I like her fingernails.
Phyllis: I like her purple dress.
Michael: What about her looks?
Creed: Hell of an ass.
Kelly: …what else do people like?