Season 9 – Episode 8 “The Target”

Written by Graham Wagner
Directed by Brent Forreste
Original Air Date: November 29, 2012
Transcribed by Erica

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I’m having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she’s cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it’s business as usual.
Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat]
Angela: Oscar… [sighs] can I ask you a question?
Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que–  questions.
Angela: Is it cool in here to you?
Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes.
Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again.
Oscar: It’s the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I’m gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I’ll just go downstairs.
Angela: Thank you.
Oscar: No, thank you, Angela.
Oscar: She doesn’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love.
Dwight: Well, well, well, it’s finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.
Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I’m gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds]
Meredith: Sure you don’t want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one.
Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started?
Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call?
Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if.
Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there.
Pam: Last week Jim wasn’t there, and they named the company Athlead.
Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace.
Pam: Tell them your opening line.
Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who’s not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia?
Pam: I think it’s good. He likes fishing.
Jim: This is gonna be awful.
Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they’re in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information’s already on the computer, so….why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to “chillax,” and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don’t give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.  Fight the power.
Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you.
Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh!
Dwight: Come on in, the water’s fine.
Angela: Dwight, it’s not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on.
Dwight: I know. That’s not why I’m naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks]
Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh.
Dwight: Oh, I’m sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I’m not in your panties, I don’t go vigilantes. Why don’t you ask your husband?
Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don’t know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me.
Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?
Angela:  Something like that.
Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.
Angela: Can you arrange a meeting?
Dwight: I can try. I’m gonna use SMS text.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: Text went through.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait.
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he’s free anytime. Not a problem.
Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly.
David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there’s a crisis — the more I think about it —
Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I’m gone.
David: They did?
Jim: Yep.
David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes– Maybe this can work.
Jim: Oh, great.
Stanley: Why should we help you?
Jim: Because we’re friends.
Stanley: When is my birthday?
Jim: Unfair. When’s my birthday?
Stanley: I don’t know, because we’re not friends.
Jim: How about this– You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case?
Stanley: Now we’re talkin’.
Jim: All right.
Phyllis: Yeah.
Kevin: Make it go taller.
Pete: That’s the idea.
Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands]
Pete: Well, I’ve gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher.
Kevin: You’re not getting this, Peter.  Make it go wider… up!
Pete: Will do.
Darryl: [entering] What are y’all doing?
Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower.
Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right?
Kevin: Obviously. He’s a sweet kid, Darryl. But he’s not the sharpest guy in the drawer.
Pete: Kevin, I can hear you.
Kevin: Huh?
Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow!
Dwight: Get in the van.
Angela: God!
Trevor: Is it safe to talk?
Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don’t see them so I think we’re good.
Angela: So what are your credentials?
Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I’m damn good at it.
Angela: Do you have a gun?
Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her.
Trevor: You tell me.
Angela: What is this?
Trevor: It’s the receipt for my gun.
Angela: You don’t carry it with you?
Trevor: Read the receipt. That’s a $300 gun. Someone could steal it.
Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor’s had stolen from him?
Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe.
Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe?
Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt]
Dwight: Wow!
Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It’s just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I’m gonna limit myself to one shrub.
Hide: You paint wall now?
Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that…
Hide: You paint now.
Pam: It’s probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Hide: I wait.
Meredith: Sweet.
Erin: Yay!
Darryl: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.’
Meredith: Oh OOOH!
Everyone: [approving cheers]
Meredith: Boom!
Darryl: Bang.
Kevin: Yep, yep, yep.
Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed.
Creed: Let’s find out what I did.
Pete: All right.
Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job.
Trevor: And that’s all off the books?
Angela: Obviously.
Trevor: Nice. No taxes.
Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here.
Trevor: So what’s the job?
Angela: Murder.
Trevor: Okay, that’s the big one. That’s the big “M.”
Dwight: You can’t have someone murdered.
Angela: What if they deserved it?
Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela?
Angela: They’re sleeping with my husband.
Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.
Trevor: This seems a little crazy.
Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you.
Trevor: But I think I’m up for it.
Dwight: No! No!
Angela: Thank you.
Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I’ve had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch–
Trevor: That’s very effective. I’ve been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It’s devastating.
Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer.
Trevor: What about a knee-capping?
Dwight: No! You’re not helping, Trevor!
Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work.
Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying?
Angela: You said you would be there for me.
Dwight: I’m trying, but what you’re asking is–
Angela: It’s the only thing that will make this right.
Dwight: Okay. But it’s cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can’t scrub worth a damn.
Trevor: All right, then it’s settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there’s no turning back.
Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you’ll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I’m gone.
Stanley: We’ve got all afternoon to talk about that.
Waiter: Morning, folks.
Stanley: I’ll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster.
Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob–
Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order.
Phyllis: How much wine do you have?
Oscar: I brought you a cookie.
Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You’re such an angel.
Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so… yeah, we’re good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah– Well, I gotta go now, but– Okay, bye. Bye.
Pete: There we go.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oooohh… you salty dog.
Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player’s gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I’m gonna let them think the other thing.
Kevin: Okay, I got this one.
Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful
Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath.
Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin!
Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say?
Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it’s just a mistake. Just a mistake. That’s what this tower’s all about —  mistakes. Okay, if you’re afraid of screwing up, the tower’s not for you. Show of hands — who here has never had a complaint? That’s right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let’s get back to work, huh? Come on, you in?
Kevin: Yeah.
Pete: There we go. All right, let’s do it.
Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it’s really only two days. I mean, I’ll be back in the office.  If you need me for an emergency, call me.  I’ll be there…
Phyllis: You know what? I don’t know where the years went.  ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don’t even recognize them.
Jim: Tell me about it.
Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don’t know.
Jim: All right. You know what?  Maybe we’ll just… We’ll go slow.
Phyllis: No. Jim… [wine bottle clangs on plate]
Pete: All right. Check it out.
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh!
Kevin: Nice.  Pretty soon, we’re gonna be at the ceiling.
Erin: Whoo!
Pete: Can you hand me a card?
Erin: Um,. it’s empty.
Pete: What?
Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card.
Everyone: No!!
Meredith: That’s cheating.
Pam: I could get us a complaint.
Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn’t fart on a butterfly.
Pam: No, I wouldn’t. I can’t even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I’d like to try.
Nellie: Hmm. Yeah.  All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam…
Everyone: [chanting] “Pam!”
Angela: What? Why did you call me out here?
Dwight: The target– it’s Oscar, isn’t it? He and the senator are gaying each other.
Angela: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you’re engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.
Angela: Fine! It’s Oscar. So what?
Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger’s knees whacked. But a co-worker– Dare I say, a friend?
Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband.
Dwight: I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.
Angela: Well, you might be right. But it’s too late now.
Dwight: What do you mean?
Angela: He’s here.
Dwight: No! No, no! [groans]
Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.
Oscar: What?
Dwight: Come — come with me.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They’re extraordinary.
Meredith: Yahtzee.
Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez.
Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez.
Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside.
Kevin: Wha– wh–
Angela: You know, there’s doughnuts in the break room.
Kevin: Nice! Yeah.
Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over.
Stanley: Don’t be pushy Jim. It’s tacky.
Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that’s– that’s decorative.
Phyllis: No, there’s wine in here.
Jim: Still decorative.
Stanley: Is it white wine?
Jim: No.
Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me?
Jim: Don’t– don’t– don’t pole people with knives.
Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha!
Jim: Phyllis!  Wow.
Stanley: Ooh, bring it over.
Phyllis: Got it.
Dwight: There’s no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.
Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who’s the father of her child?
Oscar: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dwight: Oh, don’t lie. I’m trying to save those precious knees you’re always bragging about.  Now, let’s get out of here. He could be right behind us.
Dwight: Aah! Actually, he’s right in front of us.
Trevor: Let’s get it on. I’m gonna do this. I might– I might puke, but I’m gonna do this.
Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He’s a Dunder-Mifflin man. He’s my tribe.
Trevor: I’m sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I’m gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues– Stop! No!
Oscar: I got it.
Dwight: Disarm!
Trevor: You don’t– [all three grunting]
Dwight: Don’t move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others]
Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He’s a friend. He’s a friend.
Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They’re family-owned, but don’t let that take away from your edge!
Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you.
Creed: Remember, you’re a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this.
Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I’m calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say… your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, “Hey, kool-aid.” Yeah, your mama’s fat. This is Pam Halpert.
Pete: Did she buy it?
Pam: Basically I couldn’t tell, but I think…
Nellie: Were they angry?
Pam: I– I thought they were confused at least…
Nellie: Okay.
[phone rings]
Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client!
Everyone: [cheering]
Kevin: Nice. Nice.
Creed: You did good. You did good.
Pete: See ya later, Heymont.
Dwight: No.
Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend.
Oscar: What the hell, Dwight?
Dwight: See ya later, Trevor.
Oscar: you are incorrigible!
Dwight: I just saved your life. You’re welcome!
Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe!
Angela: You deserved every bit of it!  You made my husband gay.
Oscar: What– what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is… gay. He was gay when you married him!
Angela: No. No.
Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you’re gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead — I won’t stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me.
Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you.
Oscar: Angela, it’s a lead freaking pipe.
Angela: God! [kicks Oscar]
Oscar: Aah!
Angela: You were supposed to be my friend.
Oscar: I’m so sorry. Angela–
Dwight: Oscar.
Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert…
Everyone: [cheers and applause]
Pete: For insulting a client’s recently deceased mother.
Nellie: Yes!
Pam: I did not know that.
Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life.
Pam: I’m so sorry.
Meredith: Wow.
Pete: yeah. That’s– that is terrible.
Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower]
Kevin: You did it.
Erin: Yeah!
Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day.
Dwight: You’re not stupid. Jazz is stupid.
Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid!  I mean, just play the right notes!
Dwight: I know. You’re gonna be okay, Monkey.
Angela: I don’t like your friend Trevor.
Dwight: I don’t like him either.  And yet I really like him.
Jim: Well, we’re here. Perfect.  [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket]
Phyllis: We’re gonna cover for you, ya know.
Stanley: [chuckles]
Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or–
Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son.
Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes.
Jim: This is hilarious, but we’re gonna stop with all–
Stanley: Shuckin’ your peas.
Jim: Shuckin’ the peas.  You should go back to the first part, though. You are  gonna  cover for me?
Stanley: Yeah.
Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys.
Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you.
Pam: If you’re an artist, you have to be okay with the idea  that you can’t please everybody all the time.
Hide: You paint very bad–
Pam: Shut up, Hide!  I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him– or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I’m okay with that.
Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?
Toby: That is– that is a loaded question.
Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding.
Toby: He said that?
Angela: Well, he didn’t fight me hard on it.
Toby: I– I don’t know if there’s truth to– to, uh, to that.
Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet?
Toby: Oh… uh…
Angela: Is it called red-vining?
Dwight: Is it called red-vining?
Toby: I don’t…
Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining.
Angela: People red vine.
Dwight: Where are gay mens’ vaginas?
Toby: They don’t have vaginas.
Dwight: What?
Toby: No. They’re just regular men.
Dwight: When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person’s penis?
Toby: Uh… wow….