Season 8 – Episode 19 “Get the Girl”

Written by Charlie Grandy
Directed by Rainn Wilson
Original Air Date: March 15, 2012
Transcribed by Erica

Pam: [telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.
Kevin: Nice.
Pam: There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not — it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.
Pam: Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.
Jim: Wow. It’s the end of an era.
Pam: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.
Oscar: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.
Ryan: How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?
Kevin: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”
Dwight: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Meredith: My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.
Darryl: I was still thinking of going back to school.
Jim: And I was still just a paper salesman.
Dwight: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]
All: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]
Jim: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Kevin: oooh
Darryl: Me.
Phyllis: Yeah.
Dwight: Right here.
Nellie: Allow me to solve your problem, then.
Jim: Nellie
Nellie: Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
Jim: What brings you to town?
Nellie: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let’s build a shrine. No, I’ve come to work here.
Dwight: What?
Dwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I’m in an identical situation.
Toby: Robert did say you’d be joining us. Welcome. I’m Tony.
Nellie: Mm.
Pam: What?
Toby: I- I said I’m Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I’m Toby.
Pam: You messed up saying your name?
Toby: It happens, okay? Uh, so let’s just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I’m sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
Nellie: That one looks empty.
Jim: No, that’s Andy’s office.
Nellie: Oh, is it?
Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It’s how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.
Erin: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.
Alonzo: Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]
Erin: How are you? How’s your family doing?
Erin: Bye.
Erin: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That’s right. I’m a maid for an old lady. Her grandson’s staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.
Robert: Nellie.
Nellie: Robert.
Robert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie: So far, so good.
Robert: Good.
Nellie: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn’t it?
Nellie: Mm-hm.
Robert: Now. Let’s find you something fun to do here, shall we?
Nellie: Oh, I’ve already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.
Robert: We have a manager.
Nellie: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I’ve been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.
Robert: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Kevin: Huh. Yeah, that’s weird. He’s usually here by now. Right guys?
Andy: [on phone] Hello.
Robert: Andy, it’s Robert. Why aren’t you at work?
Andy: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I’m super sick.
Robert: I don’t care, I don’t care. Please come to work immediately.
Andy: Okay, I’ll try to come in even though I’m really sick with the…
Andy: [standing in ocean] …Florida Flu.
Robert: He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
Andy: I’m in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn’t coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.
Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim: Can’t you do something about this?
Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim: -Right.
Jim: What is going on? And where’s Andy? And what is going on?
Irene: Erin, you got a package.
Erin: I’m in the bathroom.
Glenn: Where’s the postage? I mean, there’s no shipping label.
Irene: Did you wash your hands?
Erin: Yes.
Erin and Irene: [screaming as Andy busts out of box]
Andy: [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I’m yours!
Erin: Andy, what are you doing here? It’s great to see you.
Andy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.
Irene: Where’s the ring?
Andy: Hm?
Irene: Where’s the ring, Lancelot?
Erin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
Erin: Um, Andy… I am so happy to see you. But I’m not coming back with you.
Glenn: [whispering off screen] Why won’t she go with him?
Irene: [whispering] I don’t know. Maybe it’s ’cause he’s not that handsome.
Erin: Hey… don’t listen.
Nellie: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn’t it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It’s a lot. So, who knows what’s going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it… chumbo?
Jim: I think it’s a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It’s not a name.
Nellie: So no one can tell me what’s going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m’lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager.
Pam: Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
Robert: [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it’s very interesting how it’s playing out.
Robert: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone’s lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
Nellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin: Hot tub party?
Nellie: Performance reviews.
Pam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don’t know us?
Nellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.
Glenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.
Erin: Oh, thanks. I’ve been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It’s only going to keep getting better.
Irene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Andy: Well, we’re not really dating anymore, so… basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I’s, you know.
Erin: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.
Irene: I think you should leave, young man.
Andy: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn’t want to stop until I saw you.
Erin: You didn’t even stop to pee? Gross.
Jim: Any luck?
Pam: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
Andy: [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-
Erin: Oh, you’re doing so good. Oh my God, you’re superman over there. [Andy’s phone vibrating]
Irene: You should take it. It’s probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Andy: Nope. It’s just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I’m getting stronger.
Irene: You really wouldn’t feel those kinds of results after one session.
Andy: I don’t know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It’s fine.
Irene: You could put it on silent.
Andy: I don’t think it does that.
Irene: Just go to preferences, then click –
Glenn: [answering Andy’s phone] Proctology.
Jim: [on phone] Andy?
Andy: Jim?
Jim: Andy, where are you?
Andy: I- I’m home in bed. I’ve been in bed all day. I got the– I got the serious poops, man.
Irene: He’s here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.
Jim: What? You’re in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram’s trying to take your job.
Andy: What do you mean, take my job?
Jim: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.
Andy: Okay… Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m not coming home without Erin. So I’ll talk to you later.
Jim: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you’re basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.
Angela: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn’t have to work?
Pam: I like working here.
Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight: I wouldn’t let her manage a celery farm.
Dwight: Those who can’t farm, farm celery.
Jim: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]
Nellie: All right. Let’s get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Nellie, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don’t know.
Nellie: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.
Dwight: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.
Nellie: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You’re getting a raise.
Dwight: What?
Nellie: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
Dwight: There’s no limit to what I think I deserve.
Nellie: Then you accept it?
Dwight: Five percent. No less.
Nellie: Absolutely not. Seven percent.
Dwight: Six percent, I know my worth.
Jim: The raise isn’t real.
Dwight: Money isn’t real ever since we got off the gold standard.
Nellie: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I’m fairly certain you’re going to like it.
Pam: Phyllis.
Phyllis: Pam.
Nellie: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Phyllis: Really?
Nellie: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there… all very impressive.
Jim: Um… are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Robert: I am not. Huh.
Jim: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.
Robert: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?
Jim: Land. World. Uh, it’s not that I don’t want a– well, yes, I guess I’d take a raise. That’s not what I’m saying. That’s not– sorry.
Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim: Yes.
Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex, one of them…
Jim: [exhales sharply]
Robert: … is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua– this isn’t very helpful. You’re gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim: Was that not the–
Robert: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim: Mm-hm.
Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn’t so perverted, now was it?
Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn’t bad.
Robert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn’t he decide who the manager is?
Jim: No. I would’ve said no.
Nellie: Mm, let’s see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.
Kelly: Oh, great.
Jim: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it’s okay for someone to just take someone else’s job? Shouldn’t work like that.
Dwight: No, you know what? Nellie’s right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes.
Darryl: No.
Dwight: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I’m here. This is mine. Back off.
Dwight: [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.
Dwight: [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Creed: Touch me and I’ll sue.
Erin: I’ve heard that’s amazing when it works.
Andy: Yeah, if I had my own–
Erin: Andy, I care about you and I think–
Andy: –sorry, you go.
Erin: No, go ahead.
Andy: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other’s mouth. It’s just stupid. What were you going to say?
Erin: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?
Andy: You broke my heart too.
Erin: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we’re not meant to be.
Andy: I’m so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
Erin: I know.
Andy: [sighs]
Nellie: So, Pamela, I’m going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.
Pam: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager’s position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I’m easy.
Nellie: That’s not really what you want. What you want is a good night’s sleep, working mother of two.
Pam: Whoa, that’s kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?
Nellie: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for– what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?
Pam: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn’t is because I’m breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn’t like a bottle.
Nellie: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Pam: No.
Nellie: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There’s a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I’ll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.
Pam: I think… you’re a witch.
Nellie: I think you’re amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I’m amazing.”
Pam: [drowsily] I’m amazing. [sighs]
Irene: Erin, I think you’re making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.
Erin: Really? ’cause you’ve been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he’s willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink–
Erin: Irene, what would you do without me?
Irene: We’re not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn’s going to sue Home Depot.
Erin: Why?
Irene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Nellie: Jim, time for your review.
Jim: No, it’s not, because you don’t really work here.
Nellie: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn’t you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?
Jim: Yeah, that’s the thing. I don’t know if you can even give raises.
Nellie: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?
Jim: Yes.
Nellie: I’m Tinkerbell.
Jim: No.
Nellie: Mm-hm. I’m a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.
Stanley: And we are grateful.
Nellie: But here’s the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn’t exist.
Jim: She dies.
Nellie: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
Jim: Let’s see it. Show of hands.
Kevin: I do. [applause] Come on everyone…
Jim: All right, guys, stop.
Meredith: I already spent the money.
Jim: How?
Kevin: Come on Jim, you’re killing her!
All: We believe! We believe!
Robert: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie’s leadership. I believe. [applause continues]
Andy: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin’s favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It’s biodegradable. Animals will eat it.
Erin: Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don’t go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don’t love you. I’m sorry.
Andy: Erin!
Erin: Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]
Erin: Let’s get out of here.
Andy: Okay.
Erin: Let’s go.
Andy: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
Erin: No, I don’t have any stuff.
Andy: Like your toothbrush and stuff.
Erin: I don’t have one.
Andy: You don’t have a toothbrush?
Erin: No.
Andy: How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin: I just… there’s always one around.
Andy: You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Erin: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Andy: Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Nellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don’t work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that’s the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It’s just random.