Season 8 – Episode 12 “Pool Party”

Written by Owen Ellickson
Directed by Charles McDougall
Original Air Date: January 19, 2012
Transcribed by Clockwise

Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]
Jim: It’s always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she’s out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I’ve found out what he likes. And it’s really weird.
Dwight: Jim, come on! That’s so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]
Stanley: You’ve been meatballed! [laughs]
Dwight: Ugh.
Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball?
Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim.
Jim: I know.
Stanley: Look for your stapler!
Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight’s car] What’s the haul?
Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs.
Stanley: Good day.
Dwight: That idiot’s been feeding us for a week.
Stanley: We’ll never have to buy meatballs again.
Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that’s so great to hear.
Erin: I’m not going to be one of those exes who can’t move on. They have their life and I have mine. I’m taking an Italian class. So far I’ve learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini… Well it’s not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.
Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.
Andy: Jessica! I love you! That’s a message from my mom.
Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I’m just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven’t proposed to anyone in years… Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but…
Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert: I’m selling the house, actually.
Jim: You know, there’s a glare from over here… oh wow, that’s magnificent.
Robert: It’s mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I’ve got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue… this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she’s left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They’re calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
Jim: I’m sorry, I thought you were making a joke.
Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.
Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.
Andy: Um, I’m getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I’m entitled to the occasional bad day.
Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.
Kevin: Dude, what if, since you’re feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs]
Oscar: Kevin, no.
Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let’s try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let’s just call it a get-together. And let’s say no food.
Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar: That was you, Kevin.
Kevin: It was me.
Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.
Erin: Oh, I don’t know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn’t drive maybe ever.
Meredith: It’s no problem. You live right near me.
Erin: How do you know where I live?
Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
Erin: Why?
Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn’t put it in you.
Erin: Oh. Come on.
Erin: Wow. Andy’s such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]
Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm.
Cathy: It’s almost too warm.
Gabe: I’m feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.
Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.
Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we’ll say its eight-two and it’ll be our secret.
Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy.
Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
Andy: Oh.
Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
Jim: You’re looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don’t mean to brag, but New Year’s Eve, I was home by nine.
Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.
Robert: You should see the whole thing.
Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That’s beautiful, I’m going to email that to you.
Robert: I’m just about to give the tour.
Jim: All right-
Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Jim: I must…
Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow.
Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it’s pretty serious poolage.
Jessica: [sees Andy’s hand in his pocket] What are you doing?
Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh]
Jessica: Gross. I’m getting a drink. Do you want anything?
Andy: No, I’m good.
Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
Andy: Hi.
Erin: How is everything? How’s your car?
Andy: It’s great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Andy: Well, I can’t. I’m going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.
Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip.
Andy: No. What?
Jessica: Hey.
Erin: Hi.
Erin: I guess Andy isn’t totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn’t survive, and I believe him.
Darryl: Val. You made it.
Val: Yup, yup.
Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?
Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night.
Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups]
Andy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.
Jessica: No, show me.
Andy: Okay.
Jessica: Dive in right here.
Andy: In a minute. In a minute.
Jessica: Okay. You don’t know what you’re doing.
Andy: A minute would be cool.
Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot.
Dwight: What-
Erin: What you doing?
Dwight: I’m relaxing. Scram. [pushes her]
Erin: Ow.
Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?
Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there’s a person in them.
Andy: Where… [finds pants, looks for ring]
Erin: Come on, don’t you want to play?
Dwight: Oh really?
Erin: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams]
Kevin: Whoa.
Angela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!
Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you’re simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.
Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow!
Robert: Wine collection.
Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred?
Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.
Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
Toby: Well, and you have a… yes, a- d- another chateau.
Ryan: Robert, you are too kind.
Robert: Oh.
Gabe: Too kind doesn’t begin to cover it.
Ryan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.
Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three.
Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night’s been magical.
Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.
Jim: Really? Why?
Robert: I don’t know. Maybe not. Just come.
Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh!
Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?
Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.
Dwight: I’m not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I’m mighty? Because I’m the manliest man in the office? I’ll do it. [he picks her up]
Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight!
Erin: [giggles] Stop.
Dwight: You stop.
Erin: No, you stop.
Dwight: No, you stop.
Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop.
Dwight: Okay, you can stop.
Erin: No, no, no, he’s not looking.
Dwight: No, you can stop.
Erin: You can actually stop.
Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?
Meredith: The main stone’s missing.
Kelly: I don’t know. It looks pretty great to me.
Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.
Jim: Good night.
Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen!
All: To the kitchen!
Robert: To the kitchen. Onward!
Oscar: Toby, what’s compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?
Toby: Note? It’s a symphony.
Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.
Toby: I would love that.
Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I’m through the gateway now, though, right?
Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.
Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.
Val: You in?
Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I’ll be right in.
Darryl: I’ve been working out. But, the problem is, I’ve been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn’t burned off yet. Awkward stage.
Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that’s so good. Ah…
Erin: Andy’s not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
Dwight: Damn it.
Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Erin: Dwight, that’s just- that’s really perfect. Thank you.
Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool]
Angela: You’re in my way!
Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.
Dwight: Chicken fight!
Andy: No thanks.
Erin: Dang it! What the heck already?
Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!
Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who’s going to be my partner? Where’s Jim?
Kevin: I’m right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.
Dwight: Yeah- oh!
Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin’s shoulders] Yes! Woo!
Dwight: Woohoo! Yes!
Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now.
Erin: He’s not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!
Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
Jim: To both these bears.
Ryan: To both these bears.
Toby: Bears.
Oscar: To both these bears.
Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond.
Ryan: I mean, it’s clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.
Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
Andy: Kelly, that’s a crazy ring you found.
Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I’m really glad I found it.
Andy: I can’t believe you’re wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
Kelly: Shh. Of course I’m superstitious. What are you talking about?
Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?
Phyllis: Oh, I don’t think you’re being silly.
Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring]
Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.
Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can’t allow that. We have to destroy it.
Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let’s chicken fight those two.
Val: [comes up from under water] How was that?
Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand]
Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you’ve been drinking.
Val: No, I’m good. Thank you.
Darryl: Cool.
Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin: That’s racist! I don’t know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.
Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight’s shoulders] Yes!
Andy: Yeah!
Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break.
Erin: Dwight, we’ve got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.
Dwight: Okay.
Erin: One more?
Andy: Yeah!
Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap]
Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!
Dwight: Go!
Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah.
Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes!
Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa!
Kevin: Wow!
Andy: I cannot believe you’re still up!
Jessica: I cannot believe it either.
Erin: I’ve got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks]
Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-
Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win?
Erin: Sure. Sure we did.
Dwight: You’re lying. We didn’t win.
Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It’s okay. Just rest. Just rest.
Kelly: You’ve broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat]
Angela: We’re in the pool!
Meredith: Shut it, Angela.
Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis’s birthday.
Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis’s birthday.
Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn’t she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don’t want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.
Andy: Mmm.
Dwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.
Andy: Last I checked, I’m with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It’s monogamy for my hog ‘n me.
Dwight: Not what I asked.
Andy: We’re done. Erin and I are over.
Dwight: So then you won’t mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.
Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Dwight: [sighs] You’re an idiot.
Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles]
Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Kevin: No!
Val: Oh I’ve got him!
Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let’s do this!
Andy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow.
Erin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it’s yours.
Andy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh.
Andy: Duh.
Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined.
Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it’s not a special night.
Erin: Oh, you weren’t going to do that?
Andy: Honestly Erin, I don’t know what I’m doing. I… I just… I don’t know. Thank you.
Erin: Andy’s confused. That’s not what I was hoping for, but it’s not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.
Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.
Jim: To madness.
Ryan: To madness.
Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs]
Meredith: To madness.
Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?
Meredith: Oh, I’m sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.
Jim: Are you serious?
Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I’m here to rock with you as late as you want, man.
Gabe: And that goes double for me. I’ll stay even later than you’d like.
Oscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar’s mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!
Toby: And I am Bacchus’s friend!
Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I’ve been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him]
All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim: And there’s my talking point.
Robert: Yes, that’s it. Push yourselves, boys. It’s not a party if you don’t do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.
Ryan: Hey, he’s asleep. We can just leave.
Gabe: So leave.
Deleted Scene 1

Ryan: Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert?
Kathy: What’s the water like?
Darryl: Nice.
Angela: Oh, it is warm.
Phyllis: Robert’s house is, well….I don’t mean to sound offensive, but it’s like where a basketball player would live.
Erin: Oh, Dwight.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Erin: That feels so good!
Dwight: Yeah….baby.
Erin: [grunting] Hey, Andy.
Andy: Hey.
Erin: Dwight gives the best back massages.
Andy: Yeah, it sounds like it.
Dwight: Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis?
Erin: I don’t know, why don’t you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing]
Dwight: No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It’s like the devil’s cursive.
Erin: You mean more like dangerous curves…
Dwight: You’d be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out…[pushes Erin back to floor]
Erin: Ow!
Erin: You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It’s over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don’t kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies?
Dwight: [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah.
Jessica: You guys ready?
Andy: Bring it on guys.
Dwight: Yeah…
Andy: Let’s go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool]
Dwight: Ready?
Erin: I’m ready.
Jessica: Whoo!
Andy: Alright! Here we go.
Erin: Ok.
Dwight: RAHHH!!!!!!!
Jessica: Yeah, come on!
Dwight: Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin]
Andy: Hey! High-five!
Jessica: Yeah!
Jessica: My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn’t grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut.
Robert: This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs]
Ryan: I get that.
Gabe: Beautiful sentiment.
Jim: To the shame room! [raises bottle]
Gabe: [Robert laughs] I live in this room.
Oscar: [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey.
Toby: Mineral-ey.