Season 8 – Episode 02 “The Incentive”

Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Charles McDougall
Original Air Date: September 29, 2011
Transcribed by Christine G.

Jim: Hey, so this isn’t matching up with this…and I’m not sure which one’s right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin: Yes. Me do.
Jim: Alright.
Jim: Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam: Kevin, do you feel OK?
Kevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim: Yeah, alright Kev why don’t you come with us?
Oscar: No, guys.
Angela: No, he’s fine.
Oscar: He’s fine.
Angela: He’s always been like that.
Pam: No he hasn’t.
Angela: I mean, he’s gotten worse over the years….
Oscar: He’s making a statement. It’s an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.
Kevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say “car no go”, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?
Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you’re trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we’re talking about is…basically the speech equivalent… to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use…but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.
Jim: Does it save time though? ‘Cause we’ve been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most you’re saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Andy: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: K, Kevin, are you saying “See the world”? or “Sea World?”
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, that’s the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don’t know if you’re saying “Sea World” or “see the world,” and it’s taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. I’ll talk normally.
Kevin: When me President, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see.
Dwight: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet….the Pyramid. [holds up triangle shaped touch pad]
Phyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight: So, you can tell your clients: “Unleash the power of the pyramid.”
Pam: It’s huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight: Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it’s barely three pounds.
Ryan: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight: Fifty L.
Ryan: I’m sorry,” L”?
Jim: How many L to a K?
Dwight: You’re really going to want the booster.
Stanley: How on earth are we supposed to sell…?
Jim: I’ll take five.
[Andy walks in with ties on his arm]
Phyllis: Andy, don’t make us sell this stupid thing.
Andy: Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight’s meeting.
Dwight: Thank you.
Andy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties…and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?
Oscar: …”C-SPAN”?
Andy: Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause……
Dwight: Is this really the best use of our collective time?
Andy: I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I’m sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog…had to pull rank.
Dwight: [to group] OK, let’s look at some ties.
Dwight: Here’s how I’m going to help out from now on. I’m going to not care, and I’m going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy’s inevitable demise.
Dwight: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Erin: Um, D-Dog, you have a message.
Pam: Erin, you don’t need to call him that.
Erin: Andy wants us to, P-Dog.
Darryl: It’s ok E-Dog, just who called?
Erin: Justine. She said she’s coming by later.
Jim: Your ex-wife?
Kevin: Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?
[Group murmurs, offended]
Darryl: No no no no. I like her.
Kevin: Well I’m just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don’t know the woman.
Darryl: Nah man, we get along now. Real well.
Jim: Wow. Alright. Can’t wait to meet her.
Darryl: I’ll introduce you.
Darryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can’t tell you what I did with my ex wife last night…. I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Andy: [to Robert California] Hi Dad!…… Ahhh….oh boy.
Robert: Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.
Erin: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you’re here?
Robert: I’d love some coffee.
Robert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy: Are you factoring in the… whole national …economy…. declining and all that?
Robert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor….vanilla?
Robert: Vanilla? No no no no. You’ll never guess in a million billion years you’ll never guess.
Andy: You were saying you chose me…. There was a reason?
Robert: Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?
Andy: Can I inspire? [laughs] I don’t know!…..I don’t know.
[Erin enters with overflowing cup of coffee]
Robert: Oh! Thank you. Uh….
Erin: Oh, sorry.
Robert: You can just put it down.
Erin: Oh
[Erin sets cup down and Robert sips it]
Robert: That is very cold.
Erin: Yeah. It’s old. [smiling]
Robert: Why would I…..?
Erin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said “coffee”….
Andy: Why don’t we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Erin: Andy, you don’t want that.
Andy: I’ve been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. [sips] Mmm….
Erin: Sorry.
Robert: You like her.
Andy: I do.
Robert: She likes you.
Andy: You know, we’ve both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we’re in this weird dance….
Robert: [interrupting] I’m afraid you’ve lost my interest.
Oscar: Let me call you back.
Meredith: I gotta go.
Robert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?
[Kevin Raises hand]
Robert: Ah…
Kevin: This is where we go
Robert: [chuckling] Oh, you’d go someplace else. That’s not it, that’s not the answer.
Kevin: It’s a answer.
Robert: It’s a wrong answer.
Kevin: There are no wrong answers.
Robert: Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it’s birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Wait….they’re terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don’t know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You’ll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them “you are welcome.” [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Double.
Andy: Done.
Robert: I’m not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I, it’s already done. Hah, I’m just kidding, it’s going to take some time.
Robert: Double.
[Andy knocks on Jim’s desk]
Jim: Hey. [Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim’s desk, kicking things in the process.]
Andy: What’s up, guys? Just thought we’d have a little rap session, talk about business…see how things are going? Ahem…
Jim: Why don’t you start?
Andy: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert…man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how’s the sales doubling …project going?
Phyllis: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can’t just press a magic button.
Andy: OF course not. There’s no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You’re not making any sense.
Jim: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy: Dwight, anything?
Dwight: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they’re out of the house.
Andy: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? [Jim raises hand] Tuna.
Jim: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door…
Andy: Fart….. good Sesh. [gets up] That leg’s asleep.
Justine: Hello. I’m looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin: Don’t! oh, you must think…I’m not. I’m using the fax, this isn’t, no wait. I’m not supposed to represent the company. Right? There’s usually an Erin here.
Justine: Ok….?
Darryl: [Singing] rub a dub dub…I got scrubbed. ‘Sup, darlin’? Everybody, this is Justine. [murmurs of hello from the group] This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.
Meredith: Hi.
Kevin: Kevin.
Justine: Can we…. go some place private?
Darryl: Follow me, I got a space. After you. I’ve been thinking about you all mornin’. I don’t know what you did, I can barely walk today.
Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie…? Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that’s ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about…
Dwight: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don’t see the point. It’s so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight: Right?
Andy: Yeah…um, how is everything?
Dwight: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Andy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight: I don’t know, what do you mean?
Andy: There’s gotta be some way you can double your beet sales…
Dwight: You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! [Licks brownie battered finger] And I’ll do mine….. walnuts?
Kevin: No!
Angela: Have you seen this? [Hands Pam Parenting magazine]
Pam: Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici’s favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim: She looks at it when she’s on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam: I flipped through it.
Angela: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you’re pregnant?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: We know that.
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam: That sounds nice.
Angela: Great.[Angela walks away]
Jim: You have a walking buddy.
Pam: I do.
Andy: Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis: You don’t have to thank us for coming in, it’s our job.
Andy: Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I’m gonna thank people.
Meredith: What’s with the blanket?
[Andy removes blanket over table to reveal various items]
Andy: This is what’s under the blanket.
Oscar: We don’t get it.
Andy: These are incentives. It’s how we’re gonna double growth. Now, you’re probably all asking yourselves: “Well, how does this work?”
Pam: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy: You’re exactly right and you get a point.
Pam: Oh. [smiling]
Ryan: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy: Twenty points.
Meredith: How does one get a point?
Andy: I’ve outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It’s so gross.
Andy: There’s lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley: How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy: I can’t.
Kelly: This point system is really insulting.
Andy: Ooh I didn’t mean to offend you, and I hope you’ll forgive me because I am very very… Sari. [tosses yellow print material over shoulder] Sixteen points.
Kelly: That’s a tablecloth.
Jim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy: That’s a crazy amount of points.
Jim: But, what if?
Andy: Well, what do you want?
Jim: I don’t know, for such a crazy number I’d like something pretty crazy.
Andy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]
Jim: That’s pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy: I’ll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard![Andy points to his rear-end]
Group: Ooooh!
Oscar: Really?
Jim: Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?
Andy: Swear to God, hope to die. Now let’s get to work!
Jim: Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case…let’s get to work.
Dwight: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah! Whoo! [Group cheers]
Jim: [on the phone]I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. [hangs up] Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?
Phyllis:[hands Jim folder] Ask for Donald, Karen’s bananas.
Jim: Ok.
Andy: T-bag bone…
Jim: Andrew.
Andy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim: No, I didn’t notice anything.
Andy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years….and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley: [On the phone] You’ve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
Jim: I don’t know what to tell you, man.
Andy: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy: Bah…I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim: Nah, you definitely weren’t kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. [hands Andy slip of paper]
Andy: Hundred and twenty points.
Jim: Yeah. Big sale. Don’t worry about it though, I don’t really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though…[on phone] Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald…can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. [gets up to give Erin his point receipt]
Pam: Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman’s?
Erin: Yes! [adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.]
Jim: [on the phone]and I’m back. How are you sir?….I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Pam: Where’s Angela? [Hands paper over her shoulder]
Andy: Hey Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin: Don’t talk to me! [Everyone continues to work busily]
Andy: [on phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of ’95. Hey there, um, I’m a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here…De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale…uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I’m in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]
[Erin fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps]
Andy: Took ‘em one day.
Pam: Ready! [flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities] “I’m not as think as you drunk I am!” [crowd claps and cheers]
Ryan: I like it, I like it! [Pam flips the page]
Pam: Do Not Resuscitate…[mild cheering]
Andy: OK, keep in mind, it’s not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car [nervous laughter] for a thousand points….or best offer.
Phyllis: What else you got?
Pam: Oh, and then this was Phyllis’s idea…[shocked cheers] So nasty Phyllis!
Pam: We were hoping you could do something like this…
Tattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is a…
Pam: Baby.
Tattoo Artist: Baby…
Pam: Yes.
Tattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.
Andy: We should think about this…does anyone have any better ideas?
Stanley: I like what we have.
Meredith: Looks good.
Erin: Yeah.
Kevin: For sure. [murmurs from group in agreement]
Andy: Just need a second outside.
Jim: Gettin’ psyched up?
Andy: Yeah.
Jim: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this…
Andy: Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ….Confession: I don’t know what I’m doing.
Jim: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts, unsure how to answer] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun….and you did that.
Andy: My ass is only so big, I mean I can’t do this everyday.
Jim: But I think it’s big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea….which, by the way, I can’t wait for.
Andy: No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Andy: Let’s ink…my stink! [crowd cheers]
Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
[Andy removes his pants]
Group: Whoa!
Andy: [lying on table] Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great.
Andy: They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist: I’d really prefer they not be down.
Andy: Well, I think down’s better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Pam: Do you think you could work from this? [showing Tattoo artist sketch pad] we made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist: OK, you want me to…
Pam: Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist: Alright, let’s begin.
Andy: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.
Andy: Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] OW! Oh! Oooh! [Crowd cheers] oh, whoa!!
Dwight: Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I’m gonna like it.
Andy: AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he’s all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
Andy: [removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy] It’s a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That’s my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim: Pull up your pants.
Robert: There’s something about an underdog that really inspires…the unexceptional.
Pam: Um, what should we talk about?
Angela: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I’m having.
Pam: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don’t know if I should call social services about it.
Pam: Angela, that’s pretty transparently me.
Angela: Maybe.
Pam: You know it’s just herbal tea.
Angela: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam: Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela: I already did.
Pam: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we’re in this together.
Angela: Fine.
Pam: Fine.
Deleted Scene 1

Andy: When you’re a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that’s crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I’m manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way.
Andy: Which combo do you think Robert’s gonna like better?
Phyllis: Just wear one of your bowties.
Kelly: No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options…
Kelly: Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They’re for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It’s like yeah Tucker, you’re so street.
Andy: This is combo number seven.
All: Hmm, no.
Pam: I don’t like that clip.
Andy: You’re right, you’re right, you’re right. Uh! It’s so hard to find an occasion for this clip.
Jim: I’d hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70’s theme party, or a 70’s theme meeting, or a 70’s theme convention…
Andy: Sure.
Jim: 1870’s…
Andy: Thanks T-Dog.
Ryan: T-Dog?
Toby: I thought I was T-Dog.
Jim: Nope, he means tuna dog.
Andy: Tuna dog!

Deleted Scene 2

Andy: I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun and he was like “Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way bomb Texas” Well I don’t know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don’t have any bombs.
Erin: Hey. Maybe it’d help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea.
Andy: [sighs] Yeah.
Erin: What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top.
Andy: I don’t have any ideas though.
Erin: Well I have an idea.
Andy: You do?
Erin: What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You’d get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart’s.
Andy: Yeah….I don’t think that’s legal. It’s a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?
Erin: I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially.
Andy: You didn’t have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]
Erin: I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don’t know why. I made it into a key chain.
Andy: You’re the only person who’s congratulated me.