Season 7 – Episode 20 “Michael’s Last Dundies”

Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Mindy Kaling
Original Air Date: April 21st, 2011
Transcribed by Jacob

Michael: It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
DeAngelo: Yes, and this happens every…?
Michael: Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs]
DeAngelo: Well, you know, why don’t we try it, and if it goes good it’ll be part of my tradition.
Michael: Why do you always say that? You’re gonna love it.
Michael: [arriving at the first house] Alright let’s go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door]
DeAngelo: Thanks.
Michael: Surprise!
DeAngelo: Congratulations!
Jim: Yep, okay…
Michael: You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
Jim: Okay.
Michael: [holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down.
Jim: No she doesn’t wa- She’s not here.
Pam: What’s going on?
Jim: Stay in bed!
Michael: [next house] Congratulations!
Stanley: Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police!
Michael: We got it.
DeAngelo: Uh, leave it at the door or…?
Michael: Yeah that’s fine.
Michael: [next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house]
DeAngelo: Is this an employee of ours?
Michael: [giggles] Go go go go go go!
Michael: [arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I’ve never seen this place in the daylight.
DeAngelo: It reminds me of Katrina.
Michael: Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house]
Meredith: I’m so busted! Walk of shame!
DeAngelo: Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?
Meredith: Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination!
Michael: Yes you did. That’s right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
Meredith: No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast!
DeAngelo: [whispers] I’m not going in there.
Michael: [quietly shuts the door] Go.
Michael: [walking into the office] Good morning Erin.
Erin: Oh hey, didn’t see you.
Michael: You have big plans for tonight?
Erin: I don’t know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or… I don’t know. Maybe I’m going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate]
Michael: You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good.
Michael: The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn’t just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.
Michael: Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They’re like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Dwight: Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair.
Michael: Black tie optional.
Dwight: Every day is black tie optional!
Michael: A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin: Nice! [rest of the office looks excited]
Phyllis: I love their breadsticks!
Pam: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack!
Ryan: I love when people say like crack when they’ve obviously never done crack.
Pam: Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use?
Ryan: I don’t know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam: You’re right, you’re right. I’m a middle class broad. [Jim does his “Jim face”]
Michael: Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody’s right. They’re like breadsticks on steroids. Right?
Ryan: Yeah that’s great.
Michael: So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I’m going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud]
Dwight: Always the padawan, never the Jedi.
DeAngelo: Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass.
Michael: Think of it as part of your training.
DeAngelo: Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay…
Michael: [smiling] Okay, well we’ll work on it.
DeAngelo: [whispers to Michael] Michael, I’m very, very bad.
Michael: You are doing it.
Michael: [all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
DeAngelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a-
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn’t actually lose my keys…
DeAngelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it’s all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don’t you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: [very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
DeAngelo: Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
DeAngelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
DeAngelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly]
DeAngelo: This is so weird! If I’m conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance… I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don’t you think of hosting the Dundies like you’re just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don’t you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?
DeAngelo: [laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo’s stomach bouncing up and down in Michael’s office] Me mo. Me mo.
Michael: Good. Good. Good!
DeAngelo: Meee Mo, Mee!
Michael: Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.
DeAngelo: When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them.
Michael: [getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don’t wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let’s try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can’t- [DeAngelo winces] That’s right, you’re not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect.
Michael: Say it with an accent!
DeAngelo: [bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES!
Michael: [also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies!
Jim: [Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don’t understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries.
Pam: Yeah… [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay?
Erin: Get away from the car, he’s gonna see you.
Jim: Who’s gonna see us?
Erin: [desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in!
Jim: Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat]
Erin: Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry.
Pam: What’s wrong?
Erin: I eat lunch in the car now. It’s my alone time. It’s just nice to have some time away from Gabe.
Pam: Why don’t you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?
Erin: I, really don’t like spending time with him.
Pam: Don’t you think it’s better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time?
Jim: I think I’m gonna go.
Pam: What?
Jim: I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better!
Erin: Thank you Jim.
Jim: I’m sorry, that just wasn’t interesting to me.
Erin: I can’t just dump him Pam, I’m not like you, I can’t be mean.
Pam: Wait, when am I…? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don’t love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods]
Dwight: [standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus]
Kevin: [walks in] Hi!
Dwight: Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!
Erin: DeAngelo, Jo’s on the phone for you.
DeAngelo: Hello?
“Jo”: [Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We’re in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain’t got no host!
DeAngelo: Oh no!
“Jo”: Luckily I have someone for you!
DeAngelo: Billy Crystal?
“Jo”: Better.
DeAngelo: Neil Patrick Harris?
“Jo”: He’s in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing]
DeAngelo: Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies!
DeAngelo: [in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?
“Angela”: [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he’s a state senator.
Audience: [laughing]
DeAngelo: Mmhmm.
Angela: Oh wait, he can’t help because that title has no meaning!
Oscar: [laughing]
Oscar: Try Jim DeAngelo, he’ll be able to help.
DeAngelo: Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?
“Jim”: [Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim’s actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don’t know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records?
Jim: [shaking head at the camera]
DeAngelo: No one is listening to me! And I’m running out of time!
“Phyllis”: [Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
DeAngelo: Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael]
Michael: I’m here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I’ve been here the whole time.
Oscar: The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content.
Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the…?
Michael: [in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There’s a live audience out there!
DeAngelo: Go do it by yourself, get Ryan.
Michael: No, Ryan would never do it. It’s too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It’s sort of our perk!
DeAngelo: This was not, part of the job description!
Michael: Listen to me, you’re not doing this for me, you’re not doing this for you, you’re not even doing this for them!
DeAngelo: Who am I doing this for?
Michael: [slaps him] You’re doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid’s menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It’s showtime. Get out there.
DeAngelo: I can’t. [Michael slaps him again]
Michael: Say it.
DeAngelo: Stop, hitting me.
Michael: You can do it, just say it.
DeAngelo: Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more]
Michael: Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three.
Together: It’s showtime.
Michael: Alright, here we go.
Michael: Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs]
DeAngelo: Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys?
Jim: Nope, go back to the script.
Michael: There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard]
Jim: Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you’re watching this at home it’s way past your bedtime, by the way how’d this get televised?
Michael: Well done.
Jim: I don’t know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don’t know, I don’t know. Thank you!
Michael : Alright. [all applaud Jim]
Pam: You didn’t think to mention me huh?
Jim: Didn’t I?
Michael: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!
Meredith: [jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo!
Dwight: Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please?
Jim: I gotta go do this.
Pam: [annoyed] Why?
Dwight: Big smiles folks! There they are.
Michael: Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn’t be here tonight…
Ryan: How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I’m very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It’s, it’s so subjective.
Michael: Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard.
Phyllis: I have diabetes too. You don’t see me making a big deal about it.
DeAngelo: They say he’s going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn’t supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan]
Manager: [the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons?
Kevin: I brought them from home! Do you have a red?
Manager: This is a cloth tablecloth! You can’t color on it!
Kevin: Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth.
Michael: You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald’s wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage]
Meredith: That is bull! [throws her Dundie]
Erin: Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I’ve ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don’t feel it. And I think that’s because I’m not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up.
Gabe: What?
Erin: I’m not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me.
Gabe: [stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I’m obviously really angry at Erin. It’s that quarter life crisis everyone’s been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I’m gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises]
Michael: [escorts Erin off stage] There you go.
Darryl: Damn that was cold.
Michael: It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat]
Audience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
DeAngelo: Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN’S ROOM!
Manager: Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant]
Michael: [stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo.
DeAngelo: This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It’s so much lighter!
Michael: Okay, we’re done! That’s it.
DeAngelo: Michael, are we?!
Michael: We’re done. We’re done!
Michael: [Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it’d be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well…
Pam: Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going!
Michael: What?
DeAngelo: I know I’m the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on.
Michael: No, no. You’re being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time.
Pam: Let’s grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement]
Michael: So what you’re saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good.
Jim: I don’t know that we need to dissect it all now, but-
Michael: That got a big laugh.
Jim: That did. Pretty huge laugh.
Michael: [to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right?
Stanley: I was.
DeAngelo: [with Dwight and Michael outside Michael’s car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom.
Michael: We’re really close.
DeAngelo: I can just run over to the gas station.
Dwight: We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?
Michael: That’s true, we wouldn’t get seats together.
DeAngelo: Okay, fine I’ll hold it.
Michael: [in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well.
Dwight: I thought it was the worst Dundies I’ve ever been to.
Michael: Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
Dwight: Gladly! I’d accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog!
DeAngelo: [as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don’t stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you’re sitting in the backseat, baby.
Michael: What is your problem?!
Dwight: I just don’t see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring.
Michael: Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful.
Dwight: And next time, why don’t you pick a co-host, that doesn’t have microphone-a-phobia!
DeAngelo: [very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you’re going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. ‘Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door]
Michael: He is in an all-out sprint.
Michael: [in conference room] Here… [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up]
Andy: A lot of people I’d like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael.
Michael: Oh, okay. [nods to him]
Andy: I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything.
Darryl: [starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down]
Michael: Oh my God, something’s happening.
Andy: [singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That’s how many minutes, that you’ve worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and-
Women: E-Mail forms you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That’s like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call.
Kelly and Erin: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
DeAngelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call.
Michael: [choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep].
DeAngelo: [recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that’s so mean!
Michael: No it’s not.
Oscar: [Toby is shaking his head, no] It’s his last Dundies.
Jim: You gotta play along man.
Oscar: Come on Toby.
Michael: Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic]
Toby: I really disagree with this. I think it’s kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man’s being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I’m not so sure he’s guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa]