Season 7 – Episode 19 “Training Day”

Written by Daniel Chun
Directed by Paul Lieberstein
Original Air Date: April 14th, 2011
Transcribed by Jason

Michael: Kahlua Sombrero, please.
Waiter: All right, so just you tonight?
Michael: Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I’m a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.
Deangelo: I’ll drink to that. I’m starting at a company this week.
Michael: Oh, really?
Deangelo: To begginings and endings.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I’m drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: [laughs] I won’t… I don’t know her.
Michael: I’m moving out to the burbs… actually, I’m moving further than the burbs, I’m moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The sunshine state.
Michael: Yep. Don’t mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don’t want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well that’s just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael: You know, I would like to try the luge, through.
Deangelo: Try it once, you’re hooked. That’s my guess.
Michael: That’s what I’ve heard.
Deangelo: I’m an olympics nut.
Michael: Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Deangelo/Michael: [in unison] Summer!
Deangelo: [holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you…
Deangelo: You know, it’s funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going.
Michael: Really? What happened?
Deangelo: You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?
Michael: Oh… wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Deangelo: That’s the way it goes.
Michael: Man, he is late. I’m gonna call him. Do you mind? I’m sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo’s phone vibrates]
Deangelo: Excuse me. Hello? You running late?
Michael: No, I’m here. I’m right… I’m at the bar.
Deangelo: I’m at the bar too.
Michael: You are? What bar?
Deangelo: I’m at the bar. The bar that’s located in the lobby of the hotel.
Michael: I… do not see you.
Deangelo: How long have you…
Michael: I’m been here about… gosh, over half an hour.
Deangelo: Ok, me too.
Deangelo/Michael: [looking up from phones in unison] Sorry…
Michael: What’re you wearing?
Deangelo: I am wearing a grey suit, red tie.
Michael: Are we both at the right place?
Deangelo: Which place?
Michael: I hear your voice.
Deangelo: I hear your voice, I see your lips moving.
Michael: I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott.
Deangelo: Deangelo Vickers.
Michael: Wow… that is insane! [laughter]
Deangelo: That is insane, that is the right term. Let’s get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.
Michael: [entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?
Deangelo: I am ready.
Michael: Alright! Here we go!
Michael: This is it. What do you think?
Deangelo: Oh, she’ll do. She’ll do just fine.
Deangelo: I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune…
Michael: [pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]
Deangelo: Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I’m serious!
Oscar: Michael is leaving. And apparently they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork wise.
Kevin: [wearing wig] Nope! It’s not Ashton Kutcher. It’s Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]
Michael: Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it’s own sake. So, without further ado, let’s start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!
Deangelo: [blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]
Michael: Come on out!
Deangelo: Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?
Michael: I am well, sir, how are you?
Deangelo: Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it’s a part of me. I’ve learned to cope with it. What else, I’m just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-
Dwight: Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.
Kelly: [drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I’ll get that you guys. Don’t… it’s just… you know…
Deangelo: [picks up paper] I’ll help you.
Kelly: Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]
Deangelo: Hello!
Kelly: Have we met before?
Deangelo: No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before.
Kelly: Well, I guess I’ll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.
Deangelo: [offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]
Kelly: And that is what you call a meet cute.
Michael: And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it’s Deangelo the whole time!
Darryl: Kind of embarassing.
Angela: Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.
Michael: I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!
Deangelo: Oh. [chuckles] That was… let’s see, where’s my replacement? Where’s the guy I’m replacing? Why don’t I look to the left? He’s sitting right there! [office laughs]
Michael: Oh yeah… I know… that’s what I was just saying… that’s what…
Deangelo: [silences Michael]
Andy: That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up ‘Hello, my name is..,’] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.
Deangelo: [laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!
Andy: I wasn’t even trying to make a joke. But I guess I’ve always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.
Michael: This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Pam: Well, it wasn’t an affair.
Michael: Yes it was.
Pam: But, no, but we are a family.
Jim: [points to picture of Cecelia] We made that.
Pam: Cecelia.
Deangelo: Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own.
Pam: Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]
Pam: Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!
Jim: Yeah, they don’t ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.
Dwight: Thanks for meeting me.
Michael: Are you kidding? I’d come anywhere to see a turtle? Where’d you find him.
Dwight: There’s no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.
Michael: You know me very well, Dwight.
Dwight: That’s because I’m your right-hand man, Michael, but I can’t do it again. I can’t do it again for a whole new guy.
Michael: Now I’m gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I’ll be off all day.
Dwight: I want to be manager. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t even interviewed for the job. What’s wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me.
Meredith: That apple looks delic!
Deangelo: I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]
Stanley: Deangelo, you’re going to starve to death. [laughter]
Michael: So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
Darryl: It’s cool that you like the southwest. It’s one of my favorite regions.
Darryl: It’s one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good.
Darryl: I love the desert. It’s one of my favorite ecosystems.
Deangelo: Here’s the great thing about the southwest; there’s so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you’ve ever seen.
Kevin: Burnt! It’s lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them.
Angela: Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?
Deangelo: I did not.
Angela: Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he’s a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He’s a great person to know.
Deangelo: Sounds very interesting, thank you.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you.
Deangelo: Why do you use your name when you use the phone?
Erin: Oh, that’s how Pam does it. I just copy her. She’s sort of a living legend.
Deangelo: Try it without using your name.
Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is… oh, I like it!
Deangelo: Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?
Erin: Oh, assist.
Michael: I sorta like the old way.
Deangelo: I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I’ve got to start doing some managing at some point.
Michael: I know, I know, I’m sorry, but if it’s not a big deal we should just-
Deangelo: And it really isn’t.
Michael: Is that good?
Erin: Yeah, ok, good.
Deangelo: Well, I’d like to change it, actually.
Michael: Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.
Erin: What do you think?
Deangelo: I think a change would be nice.
Michael: You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]
Denagelo: [whispering] Change it.
Erin: [picks up phone] …I’m so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]
Deangelo: Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can’t even look at you.
Andy: Here we go… ok… what do African Americans call… [laughter]
Erin: Deangelo, did you order a barber?
Deangelo: Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can’t wait to hear the punchline.
Darryl: Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?
Andy: I… don’t know. Help me.
Ryan: [a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore.
Phyllis: Yeah, real cool. Real power move.
Deangelo: I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.
Michael: [to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
Deangelo: Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It’s not even close.
Michael: And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael’s face, none on the neck]
Deangelo: Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn’t it?
Michael: It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.
Oscar: You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?
Deangelo: Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.
Michael: Well, we don’t really do rap sessions. We kinda do… [Erin shaves Michael] god… we sorta do more of like powwows or-
Deangelo: Ok, then, powwows then, fine.
Michael: That’s-
Pam: Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable.
Jim: Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them ‘da-das’.
Pam: Da-das.
Jim: And what happens here is-
Deangelo: You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I’m sorry.
Jim: We were… I think she was just trying to-
Deangelo: No, no, no, I know what you’re doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?
Michael: You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can’t say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.
Oscar: Well, Deangelo, I’d say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.
Michael: Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don’t even really have to worry about.
Erin: Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.
Michael: Don’t shave my lips.
Deangelo: [Andy walks into room] What’s up?
Andy: I don’t mean to go into a rant here, but…
Andy: I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.
Andy: …I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don’t. I’m thinking, ‘how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.
Deangelo: Let’s not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy.
Andy: [leans on table] I wasn’t taking a position. It’s just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]
Deangelo: [laughter] Now that’s funny! That’s funny! You walk much?
Andy: Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]
Deangelo: Little click…
Erin: [pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you.
Deangelo: Thank you. That’s my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this.
Stanley: Need a hand?
Deangelo: Oh, that’d be great, thank you Stanley!
Michael: You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so… you know, let’s not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I’m still here-
Ryan: [holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]
Michael: I still have to look at this stuff, guys.
Darryl: So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?
Deangelo: Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid.
Kevin: Interesting.
Michael: Deangelo’s great. I love the guy. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the office. And also, I’m not sure if I love the guy.
Darryl’s sister: [holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]
Darryl: Cool, cool. Alright, see you later.
Darryl’s sister: Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]
Darryl: No, I’m good. Keep them.
Deangelo: Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?
Andy: [mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let’s see if they have my favorite teas in here… [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]
Deangelo: [laughs] Drink some soap!
Andy: [drinks hand soap]
Deangelo: [laughter and applause]
Andy: I guess this is my life now.
Dwight: How do I become a manger at Sabre?
Gabe: First thing’s first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would’ve just looped back to me, so, it’s cool you recognized my role here.
Dwight: I left a message at corporate.
Gabe: Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That’ll put you right on the shortlist for next time there’s an opening.
Dwight: Can’t you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
Gabe: What recommendation?
Dwight: From when he recommended me to replace him.
Gabe: …I’m sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.
Deangelo: Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you’re going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called “West Coast Whales’. [laughter] Because you’re not gonna see them-
Michael: [interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It’s the witching hour! It’s the sandwitching hour!
Kevin: Awesome!
Phyllis: Mmm, whatcha got?
Michael: PB and J, my mom’s recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]
Angela: Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy.
Deangelo: I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.
Stanley: What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Michael: I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin’s open mouth]
Oscar: Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?
Michael: What?
Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
Jim: Wait, so, you don’t go into shock or die or anything?
Deangelo: No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable.
Michael: Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]
Deangelo: [uses book to stop the sandwitch’s flight] You’re getting nut particles all in the air!
Michael: No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
Deangelo: [steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now.
Michael: No, that’s good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are.
Oscar: Michael, This is insane.
Michael: No, it’s not insane, Oscar. I’m been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you’re gonna throw it all away? No.
Jim: Listen, you’re the one who decided to leave. Come on, he’s the new boss, you know we have to do this.
Michael: Well, who needs him. Guess it’s just you and me, Dwight.
Dwight: Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room.
Deangelo: [walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or…?
Michael: I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you’ll be fine.
Deangelo: Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you’re leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn’t accept hug] Ok. [walks back]
Michael: Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?
Deangelo: I… I’m adequete. I’m half as good as you.
Michael: No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it.
Deangelo: Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You’ve worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It’s Lake Havasu time!
Micahel: Guess I’ve been working so hard I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.
Deangelo: Ok. What is the Native American girl’s name?
Michael: You’ll figure it out.
Jim: Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?
Deangelo: That’s a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.
Jim: Thank you very much.
Pam: See, we knew it! If he just met her, he’d understand.
Jim: We’re back in! Right?
Deangelo: I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled ‘Babys I Don’t Care About.’