Season 7 – Episode 17 “Todd Packer”

Written by Amelie Gillette
Directed by Randall Einhorn
Original Air Date: February 24th, 2011
Transcribed by Jacob

Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that’s about to expire. It’s nice not to have to plan my meals.
Kevin: You’re eating eight year old tomatoes?
Dwight: They’re still good for another week.
Meredith: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. [Jim smiles]
Kevin: I’ve got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. [all laugh]
Dwight: Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There’s only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord’s gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It’s just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim: Three months.
Dwight: Could be.
Jim: Four months.
Dwight: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim: Eight months?
Dwight: That’s a realistic time line.
Jim: [Pam kisses Jim on the cheek] Eleven months.
Dwight: Perhaps.
Jim: Okay now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight: I can see that as a very real possibility.
Jim: [time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight] Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight: I can see that happening.
Jim: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That’s just…
Todd: I really though I was becoming too much of a womanizer. I realized I had shirts in five different women’s houses.
Michael: Still not seeing the problem here.
Todd: All right, truth is I gotta couple love bumps on my ding-dong so, game-over!
Michael: It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who’s here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.
Holly: [walks into conference room with Michael and Todd] Hi!
Michael: Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss]
Holly: You must be Todd.
Todd: [shaking Holly’s hand] Whoa! I’m sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!
Holly: [laughs oddly] Very funny. Okay let’s get started.
Todd: After you!
Michael: Oh, Michael! This’ll be just us.
Michael: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he’s at his funniest when you’ve given him five shots.
Holly: All right.
Michael: And it also helps if you’ve had five shots.
Holly: I already have.
Michael: Whoa!
Jim: [to Michael] Why is Packer back?
Michael: Is Packer here?
Dwight: Why’s he talking to Holly?
Michael: [peering into conference room] Don’t know, don’t care.
Holly: [to Todd] Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.
Todd: [excitedly] Oh!
Michael: [sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn’t be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.
Kevin: Yes!
Jim: What!?
Todd: It’s great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!
Kevin: Nice! We got burned!
Michael: You did! You got burned, because Packer’s back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he’s probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.
Dwight: [seething] Holly, you approved this?
Holly: Yes I did, I think Todd’s gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim: You did approve it?
Holly: Yeah.
Kevin: What don’t you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don’t know what the word approved means.
Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.
Erin: [walking in with Gabe behind her] Sorry we’re late. Gabe fell in the shower.
Gabe: I’m such a klutz!
Erin: Yeah, it took the fire department forever to get there. [realizing there’s a new computer at her desk. Gets very excited] Oh my God, where did this come from?! Who did this?!
Pam: I got Erin a new computer, because the one at reception sucked. I should know. And I don’t wanna say the other one was old, but its I.P. number is one! [laughs sheepishly] Right?
Erin: Thank you Pam.
Pam: Awwh, you’re welcome. [they hug] My pleasure.
Jim: [Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her] Can I do something for ya?
Pam: I just helped someone out. It feels good.
Jim: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so…
Pam: So you know the feeling.
Michael: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: I didn’t order anything.
Michael: And I don’t have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit… And we can’t just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
Dwight: Well there’s a lot of seats in the annex.
Michael: So you wouldn’t mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled]
Todd: Thanks man, it’d mean a lot.
Dwight: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.
Todd: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name’s carved under the desk.
Dwight: No it is not.
Todd: Is too!
Michael: [Grunting as he crawls under Dwight’s desk. Dwight follows] Let’s look at this.
Todd: Check it out!
Dwight: I don’t wanna move desks!
Michael: Don’t be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
Jim: Do I have any say in this?!
Michael: No!
Todd: [grunting while humping Michael and Dwight] Don’t even watch, Halpert!
Dwight: [in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it] Hey, who’s dirt box is this?
Holly: Oh, that’s our Zen garden.
Dwight: What do you grow in here, bullcrap? [puts the tray into the garbage]
Pam: [walking into the annex with Jim] Hey, um…
Holly: Hey, what’s up guys?
Meredith: Don’t what’s up us! You think you’re so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!
Jim: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?
Holly: Uhm.
Pam: He’s seriously awful!
Holly: Michael’s recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he’s been nothing but nice to me!
Meredith: That’s how he gets you to take off his panties.
Jim: [Pam starts nodding in agreement] Why are you nodding?
Pam: United front…
Holly: Okay, look. We can’t fire someone because we don’t like him.
Ryan: Right this isn’t the U.S. Government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: [seems unsure] Everything… Everything.
Holly: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he’s done?
Jim: Well, I mean he humped Michael.
Holly: Well if that’s the case, I guess I’ve gotta be fired too. [all groan in disgust]
Andy: [looking at his computer, gasps] Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! [no one moves] Check it out! This guy’s on a full beam reach. [watching a sailing video on his computer] They’re hiking out like mad! Lock ’em up! Lock ’em up! Nice job! Ughh. [computer is frozen, taps the top of it] This computer’s a hunk of jjunk.
Erin: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! [pats her new computer]
Andy: Where did you get this?!
Erin: Pam gave it to me!
Andy: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! [to Pam, in a fake British accent] Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?
Pam: You have a computer Andy.
Andy: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So…
Pam: Ok, but listen. We just don’t have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy: Well Andy’s desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it’s just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but…
Pam: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?
Andy: I’m not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis: If you’re just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam: See, this is what I’m talking about.
Andy: What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Pam: Sorry Andy.
Todd: Hey what’s going on you guys? [walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps] Yeahh! Three muska-queers!
Kevin: [giggling] Mean but good!
Holly: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.
Todd: I don’t know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she’s great, but some days she acts like her mom. [Holly is un-amused]
Holly: Well, some girls go through a phase.
Kevin: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!
Todd: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin: I do know how to read though!
Todd: Yeah. You know how to read… a menu!
Kevin: [Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly] He’s right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight: Kevin, in sumo culture, you’d be considered a promising up and comer.
Pam: [walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin’s computer set up at his desk] What the heck! Why do you have Erin’s computer!
Andy: It’s crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.
Pam: What? Erin is that true?
Erin: [nods] I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.
Pam: Erin, it’s not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It’s not yours to give away.
Andy: Pam, when I’m freaking out, I just sorta step back and-
Pam: I’m not freaking out, Andy.
Andy: -take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Is this worth freaking out about?
Pam: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?
Andy: That’s interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Pam: Switch the computers back Andy.
Andy: Seriously?
Pam: Seriously.
Andy: Pam! Come on!
Pam: Now please.
Andy: Fine! [the office goes back to their work] Please make sure no one is humping me!
Erin: [to Holly who is walking by] Oh! If you’re going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. [picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them] Thanks.
Michael: Best day ever. Best day ever!
Holly: So much happening. [not as excited as Michael]
Michael: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Holly: No! No.
Michael: Please.
Holly: Did Todd tell you to do that?
Michael: Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell.
Holly: I love you.
Michael: No. Not me, him.
Holly: That’s certainly opinionated.
Erin: [looking anxious] If you’re not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.
Holly: Oh I’m going.
Michael: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he’s funnier than you? Oh honey…
Holly: I don’t think he’s funnier than me.
Michael: He’s funnier than me.
Holly: No, he’s not funny at all.
Michael: So I’m less funny than not funny at all?
Erin: [very anxious at this point] Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!
Holly: No, what I’m saying is, he’s not funny, but you’re funnier than he is.
Michael: [seems taken aback] Uhm…
Holly: Ok: Bill Cosby [puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower], Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here [tube takes a jump to the bottom] Todd Packer.
Michael: That’s insane!
Holly: Honey, he’s a jerk.
Erin: [getting up and walking towards them, worriedly] For Pete’s sake it just needs to be done! [takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex]
Todd: [to Jim] So you two are married to each other now, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Todd: That’s sweet. How’s the sex?
Jim: [continues working]
Dwight: [walks towards Todd] Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.
Todd: Why?
Dwight: ‘Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I’m cool. You’re the new guy. It’s cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Jim: That’s a lot of reasons! [suspicious]
Dwight: Drink it!
Todd: I think I’ll pass. The only hot chocolate I’m into is Viva A Fox. [winks]
Jim: [interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd] Can I talk to you a second?
Jim: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Well, you know you can’t actually poison him.
Dwight: It wasn’t poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.
Jim: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Dwight: Really.
Jim: What do we think, what would drive him crazy.
Dwight: I know.
Jim: Here we go.
Dwight: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim: You’ve gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can’t get to them.
Dwight: [mocking] Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn’t annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Jim: Okay! Well this isn’t my best, but call Froggy101, say that we’re the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we’re giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it’s his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: He… It’s a crime fighting beaver.
Dwight: Why don’t you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim: Absolutely, I’ll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I’ll read it over.
Andy: Pam. Can I talk to you in private?
Pam: I don’t know if there’s really a private place in this office.
Andy: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Pam: [looking confused] You did that?
Andy: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we’re a little late.
Pam: Okay. [walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder] When did people sign-
Andy: Mind if I close the door? [after shutting door in the conference room] What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.
Pam: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?
Andy: You humiliated me in front of every body!
Pam: Okay, well I didn’t think about it like that. It’s just, I can’t do anything about it. I can’t replace that one unless that computer breaks.
Andy: I mean, it’s pretty broken already.
Pam: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.
Andy: [looks at her knowingly] Pretty sneaky sis. [knocking on conference room door]
Ryan: [walking in] Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. [Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe]
Dwight: [to Jim, the two are alone in the annex] There are over four hundred of these! [indicating a packet of paper]
Jim: Yeah I couldn’t cut it down.
Dwight: They’re all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don’t know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight: Eat a brog. Maybe it’s because I didn’t understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. [Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches] Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.
Andy: [Andy is seen clicking random things and warning boxes pop up. He pours coffee on his keyboard, puts bologna with mustard in his CD drive, and many other computer harming things] Allow all cookies? Why certainly! Pop-ups? Yes please! Bit torrent streaming from a Somalian music website? Yeah! Why not? [mock baby voice] Oh I hope you don’t get sick Mr. Computer. [computer voice] Why are you doing this to me Andy? [normal voice again] Because I hate your programs!
Todd: [at Hank’s with Michael, talking to Hank] And a ’76 that’s good to boot, I like that. [Hank smiles]
Michael: And you made Hank smile, that doesn’t happen often. You’re very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again]
Todd: Why?
Michael: I don’t know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.
Todd: Holly said that?
Michael: Yeah.
Holy: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!
Michael: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Todd: She asked me, Michael! It would’ve been rude not to answer.
Michael: You’ve been on the road a long time. And you’ve been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can’t be peeing all over the walls.
Todd: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I’ve been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it’s not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.
Michael: No it isn’t.
Todd: You’re right. I gotta watch my behavior.
Michael: Yeah, a little bit.
Todd: Don’t give up on me.
Michael: I won’t.
Michael: [Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.
Kevin: I got a lot of numbers here to put together.
Michael: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.
Kevin: That’s silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it.
Michael: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn’t be apologizing to Packer. That doesn’t make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.
Todd: I’m sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.
Kevin: Well, like I said, I wasn’t offended, but I’ll stand here for the big show.
Michael: Kevin, do you accept the apology?
Kelly: Don’t do it Kevin, that’s the fake kind of apology.
Michael: Okay, go back to the annex.
Kelly: This is textbook. It’s so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it’s some offense to have feelings. Don’t do it Kevin.
Ryan: [muttering] Sometimes you over react.
Oscar: Michael how’s this supposed to work? Packer’s gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he’s just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we’re back to square one.
Todd: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius.
Michael: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn’t speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent’s expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
Angela: [cutting in] No! Don’t!
Michael: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we’re through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!
Pam: [in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box] So listen, we have to really scuff this up.
Andy: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I’m gonna make myself cry.
Pam: Andy, this is the deal we made.
Andy: [watching Pam scrap his computer] That’s probably good. That’s enough.
Pam: We should break this hinge maybe.
Andy: Let’s not go crazy.
Todd: Well thanks, will do.
Jim: [using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim] Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo’s a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you’re gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. [Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight]
Todd: That sounds weird.
Jim: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo’s kept her eye on you!
Dwight: [also In southern accent] And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim: [trying to stop him] Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!
Todd: Apparently, as soon as corporate found out I wanted to come in off the road, Jo offered me a cushy new job in Tallahassee. And here’s the best part. I’m a huge alligator nerd. I can name you every genus, every sub species. Also I’m a huge boob nerd.
Dwight: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we’ll get ya’ back!
Michael: What are you doing?
Jim: [trying to hide from Michael what they’re doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it] All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! [hangs up]
Michael: I cannot believe this, you’re sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim: He’s a jerk.
Dwight: He took my desk.
Michael: Okay, so you’re tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight: It wasn’t my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we’re doing.
Michael: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.
Jim: Wait! Why don’t we come up with a plan we’re all happy about? [Michael leaves]
Andy: [plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer] Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?
Pam: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!
Andy: Where’d you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?
Pam: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. [Darryl gives the camera an odd look]
Andy: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. [Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it]
Todd: [walking into Michael’s office] You’re looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the “ass”, in Tallahassee!
Michael: Yes, about that.
Todd: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!
Michael: Well… I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
Todd: Do you have a ball and chain?
Michael: No, nothing like that at all.
Todd: Listen, I’m gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It’s your girlfriend, man. She’s uptight.
Michael: Sorry?
Todd: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I’m saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I’ll introduce you to all the local [spanks the air] talent.
Michael: [thinks a moment] Sounds great.
Todd: It’s gonna be so good.
Michael: That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It’s gonna be awesome. I think you’re really going to enjoy it down there.
Holly: I’m sorry about your friend.
Michael: Nah, he’s an ass.
Holly: [Brooklyn accent] You ahh.
Michael: [imitating] You ahh.
Holly: What ah you wicked smaht?
Michael: No you ahh.
Holly: Who ahh?
Michael: [kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh.
Daryl: So this new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam: Yep. Lucked out.
Daryl: Yeah, you really did. ‘Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse.
Pam: Yep, super lucky.
Daryl: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam: [hesitating at the bribe] Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there.
Daryl: Really? ‘Cause I think maybe I saw five.
Pam: Three. [Daryl nods]
Pam: I’m full on corrupt!