Season 6 – Episode 19 “Happy Hour”

Written by B. J. Novak
Directed by Matt Sohn
Original Air Date: March 25th, 2010
Transcribed by Ashley

Dwight: [Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael: How many is that?
Dwight: Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael: Count the last one.
Dwight: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael: Oh, new record!
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Oh, what did you do today?
Jim: I made a sale.
Michael: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith: What do we get if we do ’em?
Michael: My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I’ll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups –
Dwight: And one girl push-up.
Michael: Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say ‘dance,’ they say ‘how high?’ Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!
Angela: Ow!
Michael: What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Creed: [from desk chair] Oh, come on!
Jim: 19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning.
Michael: [Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Phyllis: Ten…
Michael: Yeah, I’m betting one more.
Phyllis: Eleven, wow!
Michael: Good.
Everyone: [chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley…
Michael: Alright, alright. [chanting continues]
Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.
Michael: Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down.
Dwight: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!
Phyllis: One more, one more! [cheers and applause]
Oscar: You okay? You okay, Stanley?
Stanley: Excuse me.
Jim: Wow. [applause]
Oscar: Hey. Matt, right?
Matt: Hey, Oscar. You’re here early.
Oscar: I always come in at 7.
Warehouse Guy: No, you don’t.
Oscar: Well… Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?
Matt: I don’t know. I’m free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Oscar: Yeah.
Oscar: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work.
Darryl: Hey, what’s up?
Oscar: Hey, nice office.
Darryl: Thanks, it’s cool. So…
Oscar: You know what we haven’t done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl: Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar: Didn’t we? I think we did.
Darryl: You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Oscar: So happy hour.
Darryl: Happy hour. My pleasure.
Oscar: All right.
Oscar: So what do you think?
Phyllis: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I’d like to try. I’ll ask Bob.
Phyllis: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats ’em up. What?
Andy: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Jim: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam’s at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.
Andy: Oh, baloney.
Jim: Good one.
Andy: Ring her up.
Jim: Absolutely, I will do that right now.
Jim: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I – and I love her. I also love her, very much.
Jim: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam: [on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy: Ha! Knew it!
Pam: [through phone] It’s been so long since I’ve been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley’s going to be there. Yes, oh my God!
Jim: I did not see this coming.
Andy: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?
Erin: Sure, if you are.
Andy: Yes.
Erin: Talk to me that way again, and I’ll cut your face off.
Andy: Whoa.
Andy: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um… but we’re kinda keeping it quiet for now ’cause it’s still kind of a new thing. It’s a little delicate, and we just don’t want all the drama.
Erin: Exactly.
Andy: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That’s actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin: Quiet.
Andy: Hey, boss man.
Michael: Yes?
Andy: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?
Michael: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.
Andy: I’m sorry, I meant later.
Michael: Ok, yes. Sure.
Andy: For happy hour?
Michael: No, I got that.
Andy: Trying to get a head count.
Michael: I am in.
Andy: All right, yes! It’s a deal.
Michael: It’s a deal.
Pam: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: I want her to meet Michael.
Jim: Why?
Pam: They’re both single, I have a sense they might-
Jim: You’ve been gone for a long time.
Pam: It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Kevin: Yeah! [hugs Pam]
Pam: Hey, how are you?
Kevin: Oh, I missed you so much.
Pam: Aw!
Kevin: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah!
Kevin: Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises]
Kevin: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what’s fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know… that would be funny.
Michael: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]
Jim: Easy.
Michael: It’s not a birthday, it’s not a good-bye party…
Jim: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael: Sucks to be you.
Jim: Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael: That would be sublime.
Jim: All right.
Darryl: So, the guy shows me the deck he’s built. And I’m like, ‘I’ll call this a deck if it’ll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.’ [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.
Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: This is my friend Julie.
Michael: Hello, how are you?
Julie: Good. Hi.
Michael: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]
Pam: Julie laughs at everything.
Julie: So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie: [giggles] I should hope not.
Michael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
Isabel: Hey.
Pam: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.
Isabel: Of course.
Pam: You want to play pool?
Isabel: Um, I’m gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.
Pam: Ok.
Angela: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn’t Isabel.
Isabel: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight: Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel: Do you?
Dwight: Usually means there’s a battle scene coming.
Michael: So, what do you do?
Julie: I am an ESL teacher.
Michael: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Michael: See, I didn’t think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie: Are you thinking that I said ‘ESP?’
Michael: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn’t act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we’d never get anything done.
Jim: So what do you think?
Michael: About what?
Jim: About Julie?
Michael: She’s nice.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: So you like her?
Michael: Uh, yeah, sure.
Jim: So Pam was right?
Michael: About what?
Jim: About you two hitting it off.
Michael: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]
Hide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.
Oscar: I know.
Pam: Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces]
Jim: Hey, you’re supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?
Pam: Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael: Guys, come on, I’m on a date. Let me do my thang.
Michael: Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]
Jim: You want to just make a run for it?
Pam: Maybe.
Kevin: Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam’s chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim: What is happening?
Andy: Whoa! What is crackin?
Ryan: Guys, one second. [on dance videogame]
Kelly: We’re focusing, we’re focusing, we can’t talk.
Erin: What’s this game?
Ryan: One second.
Andy: Yeah, how do you play?
Ryan: Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it’s all yours now.
Kelly: Only three tickets.
Ryan: If we save ’em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan: I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Andy: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin: Oh I know.
Andy: They’d be like, ‘what’s up with those two?’
Erin: ‘Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.’
Andy: ‘Did we miss the wedding?’ Um, I got it-I’ll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we’ll switch.
Erin: Yes, okay. Yeah, that’s smart.
Andy: No drama. Ok.
Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight: Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel: Three brothers.
Dwight: Really?
Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one’s a cop.
Dwight: Vegetarian?
Isabel: No. I love meat.
Dwight: What’s your blood type?
Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight: Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses]
Dwight: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.
Michael: Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?
Julie: What are you doing?
Michael: I’m tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Jim: Michael, you don’t have to do this.
Michael: [choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.
Michael: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
Phyllis: Hey, you two having fun?
Andy: Did you tell them?
Erin: No.
Andy: This is exactly what I don’t want, the drama. I don’t want the drama!
Erin: I get it.
Isabel: [Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight: Whacking moles. Hit ’em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight: Extend the fingers more.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight: Good.
Angela: This looks like a hoot.
Dwight: Hey, monkey, how you doing?
Angela: Whack.
Dwight: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela: Okay.
Dwight: Look, I’ve been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don’t need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela: It’s no worry.
Dwight: It’s just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela: I could see enjoying that.
Dwight: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You’re off the hook.
Angela: But we signed the contract.
Dwight: Dissolved. Don’t worry, you’re free. Okay? Okay. See you later.
Angela: We both-you didn’t dup-
Jim: [Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he’s not normally like this.
Pam: Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim: Maybe it should come from a note… with flowers…tomorrow.
Bar Manager: Hello.
Michael: Hello.
Bar Manager: Hi.
Michael: Hi.
Bar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Michael: Yeah, why don’t you send the bill to 23 I Don’t Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Pam: Hey, Michael, why don’t you just get down.
Michael: Hey, she can tell I’m on a date, right? Right? I’m just having fun.
Bar Manager: Ted, are we having fun?
Michael: Really? You told on me. That’s lame.
Bouncer: We got a problem?
Michael: Yes. Homelessness. What?
Bar Manager: All right, go.
Michael: Where?
Bar Manager: Get out. Now.
Michael: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I’m just kidding around. I’m sorry.
Pam: Ok, um, why don’t we just finish the game? Michael, it’s your shot.
Michael: She can’t talk to us that way.
Pam: You guys are stripes, I think…
Michael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim: It stopped.
Michael: Well, I am starting it again!
Pam: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
Michael: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I’m gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn’t kick you out.
Michael: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager: Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir.
Michael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you.
Bar Manager: Is that how you do it?
Michael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written?
Michael: I’ve written all of it… in my head.
Bar Manager: Oh.
Michael: If you’re really interested, it’s called ‘Somehow I Manage’ and there’s going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca’s? It’s a classic.
Michael: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael: I own a Chrysler.
Bar Manager: Shut up.
Michael: No, you shut up.
Bar Manager: What’s your drink?
Michael: Grenadine.
Bar Manager: What?
Andy: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.
Erin: Okay.
Andy: [Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi.
Girl at table: Hi.
Andy: I don’t normally do this, but…
Girl at table: Do what?
Andy: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Erin: [Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?
Andy: [Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing?
Erin: What we said to do.
Andy: We didn’t say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!
Erin: I was flirting with a man.
Andy: Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that?
Erin: The movies. I don’t know.
Andy: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?
Michael: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
Bar Manager: You have a card?
Michael: I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
Bar Manager: Stanley Hudson?
Michael: No, no.
Bar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here.
Michael: No, it’s Michael Scott.
Bar Manager: Michael Scott?
Michael: He is I.
Bar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]
Julie: I think I’m gonna go.
Pam: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Pam: I’m sorry, he’s not usually like that.
Julie: What’s he usually like?
Pam: He’s more, just… like… you can go.
Julie: Yeah.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Okay. Bye.
Jim: See ya. Nice girl.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]
Bar Manager: So… when are you coming in for that free lunch? You’re gonna want to come in on a day that I’m working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.
Darryl: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude’s life story? It’s amazing, right?
Oscar: I couldn’t understand a word he said.
Darryl: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt’s an okay dude, but he’s a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.
Oscar: Maybe you’re right. I should count myself lucky.
Matt: Hey, what’s up?
Oscar: There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Matt: Anyone up for some hoops?
Oscar: Sure. Hoops!
Matt: Let’s do it.
Oscar: Hoop it up, right.
Andy: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting]
Andy: [over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I’ve been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.
Andy: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin: [laughs] You love drama.
Andy: I know, I do, right? I’m a total drama queen.
Dwight: With this move, he can’t get you.
Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight: Oh, please. I wish he’d come after me. I would be like-aaah!
Angela: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight: Sh-what?
Angela: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
Dwight: No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah!
Angela: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Isabel: What are you talking about?
Dwight: What are you-
Angela: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight: Angela…
Angela: Did he not tell you that?
Dwight: You’re really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight: Angela, not here!
Angela: Dwight?
Isabel: Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]
Angela: You’ll see me in small claims court!
Dwight: You are an impressive specimen.
Isabel: Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss]
Kelly: [crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn’t give me a refill.
Pam: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.
Jim: You all right?
Pam: Okay, we have to get home.
Kevin: Yeah!
Michael: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim: Actually, you didn’t.
Pam: Not at all.
Michael: I think I did. But I can’t take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.
Darryl: Tell ’em your story, Hide.
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!