Season 6 – Episode 18 “New Leads”

Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by Brent Forrester
Original Air Date: March 18th, 2010
Transcribed by Sharyn

Michael: Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is?
Jim: No.
Michael: Look at him. Look at him – t-shirt, jeans…
Jim: Is he you?
Michael: [laughs] I am flattered. That’s Johnny Depp.
Jim: Where did you take that?
Michael: In my condo complex.
Jim: Oh my God, that’s right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
Michael: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
Jim: Sure. That they should do one.
Michael: [feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim – where, where do I find the Black Pearl?
Jim: Who’s that?
Michael: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
Jim: John Dillinger.
Michael: No. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jim: Captain Crunch.
Michael: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it’s not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you’d seen Roger Clemens?
Jim: At the Yankees game. Yeah.
Michael: Yeah. Well, it wasn’t him.
Jim: I had a little better reason to believe that… You’re right. You’re right. Well, you’re not right, because Johnny Depp…
Michael: I know, I know.
Jim: …in your condo complex.
Michael: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
Jim: M. Night Shulman?
Michael: [speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don’t have a pet, please don’t feel like –
Stanley: When are we getting to sales topics?
Dwight: Yeah, what about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate?
Michael: Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company… are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting’s not over.
Phyllis: But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here?
Michael: No sales topic per se.
Andy: Well then no Andy Bernard per se. [Andy and others begin exiting the room]
Michael: Dwight?
Dwight: Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make.
Michael: I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight: You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.
Michael: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it’s kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.
Dwight: Listen, Michael – about what happened earlier.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: When I was asking about the leads.
Michael: M-hmm.
Dwight: … is there any news on the leads?
Michael: Is that all you have to say to me?
Dwight: Yeah. You got any news on the leads? … Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’m going out on a very important sales call. You get any news about the leads, you try me. All of my numbers. All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! [leaves office] Alright, Dwight out!
Dwight: Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?
Angela: Hm-hm. Do you not answer e-mails anymore? Because I’ve e-mailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.
Phyllis: Honey, if I don’t have time to answer an e-mail, I definitely don’t have time to walk over to your desk.
Michael: Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It’s a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting]
Jim: Oh, sorry, wait one second.
Michael: Stop sexting Pam. I’m trying to congratulate you.
Jim: This is actually a big potential sale, so…
Michael: You writing your memoirs over there?
Jim: You writing your name over there?
Michael: Well, it’s a pretty big check.
Jim: That’s good. You know, with the kid.
Michael: Okay. Don’t gloat. Here’s the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.
Jim: Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael…
Michael: I’m just saying, that –
Jim: Michael – [Michael signs] Great.
Andy: [on phone] Very nice. Let me just, let me just write that down real quick. [motions to Darryl] Pencil? Can you give me that pencil? Hang on Teddy… [covers phone] I’m making a sale. Sales.
Darryl: There’s other pencil’s in this office.
Andy: Give me that [wrestles with Darryl, Andy falls over chair and to the floor]
Michael: Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge]
Darryl: Michael.
Michael: Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That’s –
Darryl: I know who did that.
Michael: You saw who did this and you didn’t stop them?
Darryl: Didn’t have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control.
Michael: The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Darryl: Yes. All of ’em. Together. It’s a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them.
Michael: You don’t get it.
Darryl: You need to get back on top.
Michael: That’s what she said.
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael: Yeah.
Erin: Something came for you, Michael. [hands him a parcel]
Michael: Thank you very much.
Jim: What’d you get?
Michael: Ah, just the stupid leads.
Jim: Alright!
Stanley: About time.
Andy: Me likey!
Phyllis: Finally, Michael. Hand ’em over, numbnuts. [Michael stares at her incredulously] But seriously. It’s your job to give us those leads.
Michael: Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don’t. Not even Sabre owns this place. It’s a rental. I’m kind of sick of the attitude around here. I’m sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim… I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]
Stanley: We need those leads, Michael. It’s our job Michael. Michael!
Gabe: [on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just – imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
Gabe: Michael, I don’t want to incentivise murder. But – we’ve tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff –
Michael: They act like I have no power.
Gabe: But you do. You are in charge –
Miichael: Thank you.
Gabe: – of supporting the sales staff. You are required to hand out those leads, Michael.
Michael: Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
Gabe: Okay, good.
Michael: Exactly that.
Gabe: Good.
Michael: Exactly that.
Gabe: Why do you keep repeating – [Michael hangs up]
Michael: Hello. May I have everyone’s attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I’m going to give the leads to… King Creed! [hands him a lead]
Phyllis: What are you –
Michael: – and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead]
Stanley: They aren’t salespeople!
Michael: And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar’s shoulder].
Phyllis: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Michael: I’m giving them the leads, Phyllis.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Hey.
Jim: So I’m going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one’s going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Alright. So why don’t you just give me my share of the leads, and I’ll start making some calls?
Michael: Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]
Jim: Hey, alright.
Michael: Alright.
Jim: Ahh, these aren’t leads. What are they?
Michael: Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don’t respect the father who doesn’t respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim: I don’t think you understand –
Michael: I do understand it.
Jim: [holds up card] This one’s a map.
Michael: Or is it?
Angela: Oh, how the tables have turned. I see you got my e-mail.
Phyllis: Are you gonna give me the leads or not?
Angela: I’ll give you the leads. But you know what? It’s going to cost you some clerical work [hands her a mountain of paperwork]
Phyllis: What are these for?
Angela: It doesn’t matter. Fill them out. All of them. Then when you’re done, you can watch me shred them.
Kelly: I want to watch the Kardashians! I don’t want to watch boring –
Ryan: It’s my –
Stanley: The Kardashians is a good show.
Ryan: No it’s – how would he even know the Kardashians?
Kelly: It’s about a family. A real-life family.
Ryan: No, Stanley, do you –
Pam: [over phone] Hey baby, what’s up?
Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim: Oh my god, I couldn’t envy you more.
Jim: Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is. Having two babies [holds up index cards] – that’s just unfair.
Jim: How about this one – ‘When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place.’
Pam: He means his mopey place, it’s under that streetlamp that he thinks was in Casablanca.
Jim: I love you.
Michael: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: ‘Now that’s Italian!’] Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing [cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues] Some people shouldn’t be in this business.
Andy: Hey. I guess you probably won’t give me your leads since I’m a jerk salesman.
Erin: Yeah. I basically wish you were dead. [grins] I hid the leads.
Andy: Where?
Erin: [mimes zipping mouth and throwing away key, Andy begins to walk away] Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. [Andy hovers his hands above her chest] Hotter. Pretty hot. Lower.
Andy: Are you…
Erin: Lower.
Andy: Are you sure?
Erin: Lower [tilts head toward her desk, then flips over her keyboard, revealing the leads. Andy scratches his head, recovering]
Dwight: What are you doing, idiot? [Jim is crouched down, peering under a car]
Jim: Michael’s stupid scavenger hunt.
Dwight: Scavenger hunt? Here. I can solve it. Give it. [grabs card] ‘The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president.’
Jim: [taps car] Lincoln.
Dwight: The prankster is getting pranked. Ha ha.
Jim: [holds up the retrieved lead] It involves you too.
Dwight: The leads are in?
Dwight: Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me when the leads came in.
Michael: Well, bigshot, ‘If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes’.
Dwight: Kevin! Damnit [runs over to Kevin’s desk] Kevin, give me those leads. Where are they? C’mon –
Kevin: You are never going to find them.
Dwight: Really.
Kevin: I’m going to enjoy this.
Dwight: [begins to strangle him] Gimme the leads. Where are my leads?
Kevin: [muffled] I’m still enjoying it.
Dwight: Where are they?
Kevin: Turn the trash. Turn the trash.
Dwight: Turn the trash [releases him – Kevin coughs] It’s code. Alright, Meredith, take off your dress.
Meredith: [stands up and reaches for her buttons] Okey-dokey.
Kevin: No, dear god, no, it’s in the trash can. In the kitchen.
Meredith: It’s coming off anyway.
Dwight: [dashes to kitchen, overturns the trash can, tastes the bin liner] Clean sack.
Kevin: What –
Erin: I emptied it in the dumpster. With Toby’s baba ganoush.
Toby: If we don’t patronise the only Syrian restaurant in town, there’ll be nothing left but pan pizzas and make-your-own salads.
Dwight: [dives into dumpster, rattling noises then he emerges] It’s empty!
Michael: Wait. What day is today?
Kevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So, Friday.
Michael: Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait!
Michael: Okay. You know what, let’s just go to the dump, start looking – Ryan, c’mon, shotgun in my car –
Phyllis: Michael, why would we all go to the dump?
Michael: Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, ‘Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they’re now in the city dump.”
Stanley: Not your staff, Michael. You.
Michael: Well, that’s not the way it’s going t sound. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll go to the dump, we’ll look around, then we’ll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you –
Toby: Does it have to be pizza? Could go for a, falafel?
Michael: Really?
Angela: I’m not going. You did this, not us.
Michael: Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories!
Darryl: That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go.
Michael: You can.
Darryl: I can’t. You know that.
Michael: Okay fine, I get it. I’ll just go by myself.
Dwight: I’ll go, Michael. You’ll just screw it up.
Dwight: [looks around dump] This place has gone to hell.
Michael: You know, Dwight, there was a time when you’d be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Dwight: Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Michael: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don’t believe me, look in my gutters.
Kelly: [to Oscar] You’re adorable. You need to go for it. [Jim enters the break room] I’m going to be, like, mad at you if you don’t –
Jim: Phew! Can’t wait for this day to be over.
Kelly: Why?
Jim: Just all the – drama.
Kelly: What drama?
Jim: Between the – us and you guys. It’s unnecessary, right?
Kelly: So unnecessary.
Jim: Oh, good, phew, thank god you said that.
Kelly: I mean, if the salesmen weren’t acting like such a bunch of stuck-up losers, then this day wouldn’t be so bad – did you ever think of that?
Jim: I have new baby pictures.
Kelly: Don’t use your cute baby to make us like you.
Jim: She’s wearing a onesie [holds out his cell phone, Oscar leans in but Kelly grabs his arm]
Stanley: If we act nice now, then we’re rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Jim: Didn’t we kind of start it?
Phyllis: I think you’re remembering that wrong?
Andy: Yeah.
Phyllis: I don’t know about this. I mean, I think we should hold our ground. The company’s changed, and if they don’t like it, they can leave. I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India.
Jim: Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable, and may be heading for something bad?
Andy: All those who agree, say aye [all present – Stanley, Andy and Phyllis – raise their hands] All those opposed –
Jim: I don’t think we need opposed.
Michael: [kicking through rubbish at the dump] You’ve changed, man.
Dwight: Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?
Michael: Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Dwight: Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
Michael: No, I’m talking about your personality, Dwight.
Dwight: When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I’d assistant managed him –
Michael: Assistant to the managed him –
Dwight: Oh, that’s low! I would be number two right now at Home Depot!
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you – you, going nowhere.
Michael: You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Dwight: I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs.
Michael: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend – I shouldn’t have been hanging out watching karate movies with you –
Dwight: Kung-fu movies!
Michael: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies –
Dwight: Nice babies you’re making with the floozies at the bars.
Michael: That’s my wife you’re talking about, man.
Dwight: Your made-up wife? Who doesn’t exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!
Michael: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.
Dwight: Don’t do it [lobs something at Michael]
Michael: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!
Dwight: No! [lunges for a large wooden spool]
Michael: Don’t even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]
Dwight: [kicks spool] Stop it, get out! That’s my spool.
Phyllis: What’s the least we can do to make this okay?
Jim: I’ll text Pam. She’s really good at this stuff.
Andy: And I’ll text Erin. She’s really good at this stuff too.
Phyllis: I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
Stanley: That is a dangerous precedent.
Jim: Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods.
Phyllis: Oh, if they don’t have an iPod by now they really don’t want one.
Jim: Alright. Then we’re back to cash. And I got to say, if giving a small percentage of our commissions is going to smooth all this over, I’m for it.
Phyllis: Okay, fine. Cash it is.
Andy: Erin just texted me back. ‘People love shells from far-away beaches”.
Michael: Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god.
Dwight: Oh [half-heartedly throws something]
Michael: We’re never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub]
Dwight: [surveys the mountains of trash surrounding them] Wow. Amazing, isn’t it. No other animal on earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.
Phyllis: So how about, guys, one percent commission a month instead of two, what do you –
Jim: No, we agreed, two percent for the quarter. Okay [others enter] Hey everybody!
Meredith: [stares at the table filled with treats] Nice spread. We get it. You eat like royalty.
Jim: No, no – this is a representation of how we feel. And how we feel is: really sorry.
Andy: Yeah. We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Phyllis: Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing. So… [Jim gestures for her to continue]
Oscar: Way to go, guys. This was an integrity move.
Kevin: Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Angela: Do you have any pastries without fruit?
Jim: Yes! We do. [opens box] Eclairs.
Stanley: [enters room] Well, you better be happy, taking two percent of our –
Jim: – two percent milk! What I forgot for the coffee.
Phyllis: Our treats, Stanley, they’ve accepted our simple offer of treats. Nothing more.
Stanley: [beams] This is – nice! [pats Oscar’s shoulder] All of us back together.
Michael: This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out?
Dwight: Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who’d like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?
Michael: Yeah, she does – she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?
Dwight: Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]
Michael: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That’s it. And the caption would read:
Dwight: Hope – grows.
Michael: In the dump.
Dwight: [drives into office parking lot, honking horn. Enormous purple object strapped to the roof of their car] Woo hoo!
Stanley: Good news that you found our leads?
Michael: No! Better!
Dwight: We have an awesome bean bag chair that’s perfect for the break room. [reaches out the window and pats it]
Phyllis: Yuck. I’m not going to sit on that disgusting seat.
Dwight: Yeah, damn right you’re not. ‘Cause it’s for me and Michael only [they both cheer and high-five]
Andy: [at dump] It’s freezing out here.
Erin: [strips off jacket] Go on. I have warm blood. [tries to drape her small jacket across Andy’s back]
Andy: Oh wow, thank you. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met. [Andy and Erin kiss]