Season 6 – Episode 05 “Mafia”

Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by David Rogers
Original Air Date: October 15th, 2009
Transcribed by Dan

Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. “Mental” is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you’re mental, if you don’t have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby: Well the “fun” is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: [halfway out] Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can’t just go right to the selling, you need “small talk.” What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf.
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: Stock market.
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: Dave Matthews.
Michael: Yes, what else?
Creed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes…
Michael: No.
Meredith: The weekend!
Michael: Yeah! That’s good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let’s do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, “So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?”
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael: All right…
Meredith: He calls it an upper decker.
Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don’t know about business, I could fill a book with.
Ryan: Then do it.
Michael: What?
Ryan: Write a book.
Michael: [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I’m not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman…
Erin: [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He’s the person you should talk to.
Michael: Oh hi. I’m sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you’re supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is “creative space” and I thought this could be part of that.
Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Erin: You don’t have anything in the afternoon. It just says “free play.”
Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You’re seeing how the sausage gets made.
Grotti: Ah.
Michael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Grotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.
Michael: Mmhm.
Grotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility
Michael: Yep.
Grotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
Michael: Okay.
Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Kevin: Jim’s gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
Andy: What do you think?
Dwight: I think you’re right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Grotti: God forbid you… should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there’s injury.
Michael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Michael: Okay, well.
Grotti: I can be very very persistent.
Michael: Do your worst. [they shake hands]
Michael: [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.
Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Michael: Mmhm.
Andy: What happened in there?
Michael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight: Did he threaten you?
Michael: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
Michael: There is no such things as monsters.
Andy: He drives an SUV!
Dwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Oscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I’m in the mob?
Dwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Michael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it’s selling insurance, sometimes it’s waste management or sanitation.
Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Michael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Andy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I’ll burn your warehouse down!
Dwight: Exactly.
Michael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse… and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Oscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]
Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there’s not the usual balance between “sane and others.” Toby has mentally checked out since June. It’s a very dangerous time. The “coalition for reason” is extremely weak.
Toby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]
Michael: [over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Ryan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as ‘The Mafia.’
Michael: Okay.
Ryan: What you have are specific families. What’s the guy’s last name?
Michael: Um it is, Grotti.
Andy and Dwight: [groans] Oh no. Fabulous.
Oscar: What? What?
Andy: It’s John Gotti, you idiot!
Oscar: It’s, it’s a completely different name!
Phyllis: So he won’t get caught!
Andy: Yeah. It’s pretty close.
Oscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Dwight: No I disagree. “R” is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it “murder.” And not “muck-duck.”
Michael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight: Lock your door!
Michael: I’m not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]
Jim: Hello?
Oscar: Jim? It’s Oscar. I’m so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Oscar: It’s Michael, he thinks he’s being shaken down by the mob. I don’t know how you usually handle this.
Jim: Look, We’re in Puerto Rico, so-
Pam: Hey Oscar. It’s Pam. Hey. We’re on our honeymoon.
Oscar: Pam, I’m sorry–
Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar: You’re right. You’re right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye.
Michael: It’s Grotti. He’s following up.
Andy: Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Michael: [reads email] “I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.”
Dwight: That’s bad.
Michael: Yeah.
Dwight: That’s bad.
Michael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Andy: Yeah right! You heard him! He’s gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
Michael: Okay, I’m calling the police.
Andy: [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!
Dwight: He’s right. Cops can’t do anything until a crime has been reported.
Michael: All right.
Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!
Michael: Shh!
Dwight: You know what?
Michael: That’s not gonna happen.
Dwight: That’s an exaggeration.
Andy: That’s how it works!
Michael: What am I supposed to do here?
Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back
Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give ’em a taste of cat food pretty soon they’ll be back for the whole cat.
Andy: Dwight…
Dwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
Michael: I don’t know, I don’t know about that.
Andy: Wait let’s hear him out, this is interesting.
Dwight: Here’s what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can’t be openly violent.
Andy: Okay.
Dwight: Let him know you’re not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you’re stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Andy: [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I’d like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael: Hold on, hold on! Just-
Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.
Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I’m not going alone.
Andy: Well you’re gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We’ll be right beside you.
Andy: What?
Michael: [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who’s Pat?
Andy: Well if I’m gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I’m a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight: Do you know how to use it?
Andy: To change tires, no. But it’s metal, I can hit somebody with it.
Michael: Let’s go, come on. [whispers] God!
Andy: Should I change?
Dwight: You’re wearing loafers!
Michael: Forget it! Forget it!
Michael: [Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!
Andy: Well then I can’t use it. I’m just gonna hide it.
Dwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Andy: Oh! God! [smacks roaches]
Michael: Oh my God!
Dwight: You’ll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Michael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.
Michael: Hello.
Grotti: Mr. Scott.
Michael: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti.
Andy: Hi.
Dwight: Hello.
Grotti: So, you got this table?
Michael: Yes.
Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can’t-decide-what-it-is type of thing.
Michael: Well.
Grotti: Waitress, we’re gonna sit over here.
Waitress: That’s fine.
Michael: Okay.
Kevin: [answers phone] Hello.
Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I’m calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We’ve detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh man, do you think it was stolen?
Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Um, yes. [looks at Jim’s pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA
Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Kevin: Six-six-five-zero.
Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You’re obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes I am.
Rep: I’m going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No. That… I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Rep: Very funny sir. We’ll get a new card out to you right away.
Kevin: No-
Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you!
Kevin: Shoot.
Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.
Dwight: Oh he’s not that nice.
Michael: That’s not true.
Andy: Hmm. Very true.
Michael: Okay shut up.
Waitress: Have you decided?
Grotti: Yeah, I’ll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir?
Michael: I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress: The… what?
Michael: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don’t really know what that is.
Andy: [with Soprano’s inflection] You know, gabba-gool.
Michael: I don’t, I don’t have to have that.
Dwight: What he’s trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.
Michael: Guys, guys-
Waitress: I don’t really think that we have that.
Michael: That’s okay.
Dwight: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.
Waitress: Okay.
Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim’s credit cards?
Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar: This constitutes identity fraud.
Kevin: Oh God. I wouldn’t last in jail Oscar. I’m not like you.
Oscar: What’s that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don’t know about jail? Oh you would love jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail?
Kevin: Because… You would love it.
Michael: I don’t think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there’s a plan here for you.
Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you?
Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can’t happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it.
Woman: [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy: Yeeeeah.
Woman: My battery is dead, I’ve got my kid, can you please help?
Andy: Yes I can.
Michael: No, no no, no. Come on. I’m sorry, we’re having our salad.
Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!
Andy: Okay!
Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Michael: Hey, do you need any help?
Grotti: I’m sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.
Michael: He’s a good mechanic.
Grotti: Where were we?
Michael: I don’t…
Dwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
Michael: Okay, okay okay.
Dwight: So we’re choosing…
Michael: Yep, all right.
Dwight: Check out Dental?
Michael: Put it down.
Andy: Black goes on the red. With the… If we… Positive… Mo- it being a motor drive, it’s probably down.
Kid: He seems bad at this.
Andy: You want to do this junior? I didn’t think so. Sorry. It’s kind of a long day at the… mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman: What?!?
Andy: So your car’s totaled. Uh, you’re just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He’s great. But uh, I can’t do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]
Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I’ll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?
Andy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn’t give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that’s what I’m afraid of.
Grotti: Aren’t you a mechanic? Why wouldn’t you put oil in the car?
Andy: It was before, my tech- my technical training.
Dwight: Don’t do it!
Andy: Do it.
Dwight: Don’t.
Andy: Just do it.
Michael: Okay.
Grotti: Look Mike, I don’t know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: I don’t understand, why would you buy a policy?
Michael: It’s just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
Andy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I’m proud of you.
Michael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
Dwight: It wasn’t a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael: It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight: Do you know what “snap decision” means?
Michael: Yes!
Dwight: It means like this. [snaps fingers]
Michael: Just get in the car.
Jim: Hello?
Michael: Jim?
Jim: Michael?
Michael: Oh thank God.
Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we’re on a catamaran.
Michael: It wasn’t easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I’m in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim: That sounds bad.
Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I’m turning to you my friend.
Jim: I’m gonna help you through it all right?
Michael: Okay!
Jim: All you’re gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to–
Michael: Jim? Are you?
Jim: And then you’ll be saved.
Michael: What? Wait, I didn’t hear a thing you just said.
Jim: Just [drops] and then you’ll be saved.
Michael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
Jim: A- ah–
Michael: No! Oh my God!
Jim: And you’ll be saved.
Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you’re saying! I can’t understand you!
Jim: I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don’t call again.
Michael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.
Michael: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can’t afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
Oscar: Just- no. No.
Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.
Dwight: We have let Michael down, and it’s 85 percent your fault.
Andy: He’s alive. So you’re welcome.
Dwight: Not on the inside he’s not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.
Andy: Yeah, some of that existed before.
Dwight: Not the living in fear, that’s new.
Andy: You’re right, that is new.
Dwight: Yes. He’s got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy: Well I don’t see that happening.
Dwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy: Are you saying-
Dwight: Yeah…
Andy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael’s brain?
Dwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy’s not mafia!
Andy: That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Dwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael: No. He’s not. He’s just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don’t understand how this works.
Andy: No, Michael. What we’re trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who’s a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight: It’s true, he’s clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn’t on the take. Turns out he’s a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.
Andy: Class act. Boy scout.
Michael: But Grotti acts like he’s mafia though.
Andy: He’s trying to intimidate you to close sales. He’s just a pushy salesman.
Dwight: And he made us all look like chumps!
Michael: [grunts]
Michael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.
Grotti: This is Grotti.
Michael: This is Scott.
Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I’m finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Grotti: I, I thought you’d be pleased.
Michael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I’m actually kind of PO’d.
Grotti: What?
Michael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Grotti: I don’t get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
Andy: Whoa. Okay.
Michael: You suck!
Dwight: Okay that’s-
Michael: And I’m not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight: That’s good, let’s wrap it up.
Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don’t you give me a call?
Michael: Doubt it. [disconnects call]
Dwight and Andy: [relaxing] Oh man.
Michael: What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?
Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you’re gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!
Michael: No. What do you mean?
Dwight: We just told you he wasn’t mafia, so you wouldn’t be scared.
Michael: What?
Dwight: You successfully backed down the mob!
Andy: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Michael: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I’m not.
Michael: So I looked him in the eye and I said, “Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they’re already dead.” I said something like that.
Dwight: Very close.
Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael: Erin?
Erin: Yes?
Michael: Coffee?
Erin: Okay.
Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it’s not Stop and Shop, I send it back.
Erin: Okay.
Michael: Large. If it’s a medium I send it back. If it’s an extra large I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael: Go. Any questions?
Pam: [on phone] Are you kidding me?
Kevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there?
Pam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can’t handle the fact that you’re calling us here!
Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I’ll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.
Pam: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin: Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye.
Kevin: They have no idea what happened.