Season 6 – Episode 01 “Gossip”

Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Paul Lieberstein
Original Air Date: September 17th, 2009
Transcribed by Nate

Michael: [enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour!
Dwight & Andy: [rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera]
Andy: Parkour!
Dwight: [walking on Pam’s desk, then Jim’s desk] Extreme! Parkour!
Jim: This… is Parkour. [turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video] Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It’s pretty impressive. [Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office] The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
Dwight: [stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women’s bathroom]
Dwight & Andy: [approaching elevator, as Michael films] Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight: Andy! Leapfrog! [Andy leapfrogs Dwight]
Andy: Do me! Do me!
Dwight: Yeah! [Dwight jumps on Andy’s back, riding him like a horse] Parkour! Parkour!
Andy: Ow! Get off! Get off!
Dwight: Okay.
Andy & Michael: [walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour!
Dwight: [crouching beside car] Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! [Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera]
Michael: [standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.
Andy: Here it is, here it is… truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, [camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster] 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can.
Michael & Dwight: [in unison] Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!
Andy: [to Michael’s camera] Hardcore Parkour!
Michael: Parkoooooour!
Dwight: Let’s do it!
Andy: [leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box]
Michael & Dwight: [look down, appearing shocked and concerned]
Andy: [inside refrigerator box, sounding injured] Parkour!
Dwight: [on telephone] Good. Excellent. Thank you.
Female Intern: [hands Dwight a cup of water] There you go. Is there anything else I can do?
Dwight: [chugs water, throws away cup] Yes. Umm… see those files behind Kevin’s desk?
Female Intern: [nods] Mm hmm.
Dwight: Go put them all in random order.
Female intern: [confused] Mm-kay.
Dwight: Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order.
Pam: This is the last day of our summer interns. It’s been nice. We haven’t had interns for a while, ever since Michael’s Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown gathered around Kelly’s desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn’t do anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie’s back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program.
Meredith: [to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern] Think she did him?
Oscar: I bet there’s something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer.
Kelly: If they get married before I do, I’m going to kill myself.
Michael: [entering break room] Who’s getting married?
Pam: Nobody.
Michael: If somebody doesn’t tell me, I’m gonna start screaming.
Kelly: It’s Eric and Megan.
Michael: Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.
Phyllis: They’re not getting married. It’s just talk.
Michael: Did everybody know about this but me?
Phyllis: There’s nothing to know, it’s just gossip.
Michael: [shaking head disgustedly] Okay… okay. [leaves room]
Pam: [talking head with Jim] We haven’t told anyone I’m pregnant.
Jim: Well, with her being unmarried… knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day.
Pam: Yeah, we don’t want them at the wedding thinking Jim’s being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum.
Jim: Wait, there’s not gonna be a shotgun?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: No shotgun… ’cause that changes everything.
Pam: Can’t back out now, Halpert.
Jim: What are you gonna do about it? There’s no shotgun, so… free at last, free at last!
Pam: No, keep it up.
Michael: [approaches Dwight’s desk] You’ll never guess what I know.
Dwight: [typing] Okay, let me finish this thought.
Michael: Eric likes Megan.
Dwight: [still typing] He most definitely does. He’s been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well.
Michael: [annoyed] How do you know this?
Dwight: [still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it’s because of my low cheekbones. And… boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can’t I guess?
Michael: I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it’s not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn’t exist. Or that the sport doesn’t exist? I should’ve known. Poopball?
Michael: [to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said “The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.”
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael: I’m talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Maurie: At Tink’s?
Michael: Yes
Maurie: How’d you know about that?
Michael: Well…
Maurie: Did Stanley tell you?
Michael: [confused] Stanley was on your group date?
Maurie: No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn’t wave back.
Michael: [laughs] Does anybody else know about this?
Maurie: No.
Michael: [laughs, looks to camera excitedly]
Michael: There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]
Michael: So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?
Dwight, Jim & Pam: [stare blankly at Michael]
Michael: Nothing? Well I got a little somethin’ somethin’. I don’t know if I should say…
Pam: Just keep it to yourself then.
Michael: Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Dwight: Stanley’s way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio.
Michael: Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.
Phyllis: Teri’s out of town, Michael.
Michael: Who?
Phyllis: Teri, Stanley’s wife. She’s at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts.
Michael: [starts to speak, says nothing, walks away]
Michael: [entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Maurie: What are you talking about?
Michael: Stanley’s wife is out of town.
Maurie: He was with somebody.
Eric: He was definitely with somebody.
Michael: Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
Eric: [chuckles]
Michael: [upset] I don’t get it!
Eric: If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.
Michael: Drugs?
Eric: Making out.
Michael: [fumbling for words] Mmm… okay. Uhh… hmm… okay. Never mind. Carry on.
Michael: [approaching Kelly’s desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir.
Kelly: WHAT??
Michael: I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody’s attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.
Michael: [motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out “S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter.
Kevin: Q.
Michael: No… no. He’s holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What’s that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven’t you guessed?
Kevin: T.
Michael: T! Yes! Yes! That is a “T”, and there’s another one right there. Just sound that out. You’re almost there.
Michael: [opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin’, big guy? Up to no good?
Stanley: I’m meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?
Michael: No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I’m casting a movie and I’m looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?
Stanley: Goodbye. [walks away]
Michael: Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
Jim: [approaching Michael] You have to stop this.
Michael: [giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley’s having an affair?
Jim: I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people.
Michael: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it’s really sad because everybody thinks you’re a loser…
Jim: Do you know if it’s true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life.
Michael: [stares at Jim silently, then walks away]
Michael: [in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley’s car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?
Stanley: [as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?
Michael: So It’s not true. Okay, well… ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just… racial profiling gossip.
Stanley: [hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.
Michael: [nodding] So stupid!
Stanley: It’s just that… Teri’s been traveling a lot…
Michael: I know, I know.
Stanley: And it’s been lonely.
Michael: Oh, I bet.
Stanley: Cynthia’s been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill… I didn’t…
Michael: Wait, hold, hold, hold… so it IS true?
Stanley: Yeah, but Michael, I’m going to go break it off. That’s where I’m headed right now. I swear.
Michael: Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they’re going on sales calls and then go someplace else? ‘Cause that’s not cool.
Stanley: I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please.
Michael: [muttering] I’m not saying… a damn thing.
Stanley: I’m counting on you, Michael.
Michael: [looking afraid] You can count on me.
Stanley: [sighs]
Michael: [entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good.
Kevin: I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat.
Michael: Did you hear about Angela? That’s pretty weird.
Kevin: Yeah… what do you mean exactly?
Michael: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno’s on the turnpike.
Kevin: Reeeeally.
Michael: Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright?
Michael: How do you un-tell something? You can’t. You can’t put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that’s been said is untrue, including “Stanley is having an affair.” It’s like the end of Spartacus. I’ve seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don’t know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.
Erin: Kelly has an eating disorder?
Michael: Yeah.
Erin: She always eats my lunch.
Michael: Anorexia. She’s an anorexatic.
Erin: We should do something.
Michael: Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.
Michael: [to Kelly] I’m worried about Erin, because she’s not a very good worker. I don’t know how long she’s gonna last here.
Kelly: Really?
Michael: Yeah. So… and Andy is gay.
Kelly: Andy Bernard??
Michael: Mm hmm.
Michael: [whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Meredith: Really?
Michael: Yeah!
Meredith: She’s gonna hate being a mom.
Andy: [making a cup of tea in kitchen area]
Kevin: [looks at Andy and giggles]
Andy: What?
Kevin: [still giggling] Tea.
Andy: So?
Kevin: You would.
Andy: [laughing] I like tea!
Kevin: [sarcastically] Oh, I bet you like it.
Andy: Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!
Kevin: Do you like it as much as you like mens’ butts?
Andy: WHAT??
Kevin: Because you’re gay.
Andy: [serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?
Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence… a little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it’s not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder.
Andy: [to Oscar in break room] Did you hear the rumor about me? That I’m gay?
Oscar: [nodding] I did. Yes.
Andy: And?
Oscar: What?
Andy: Do you think it’s true? Do you think that I’m… gay?
Oscar: Are you attracted to other men?
Andy: [scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I’m at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it… felt like.
Oscar: [stares at Andy incredulously]
Andy: Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he’s like really aggressive?
Oscar: If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still… need to get to you?
Andy: It’s not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it’s like, not a fantasy, it’s just… it’s just a scenario.
Oscar: Wow. I wish… I wish I could help you. I don’t… you might be gay. You might be gay.
Oscar: What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can’t possibly fall to me.
Phyllis: How far along is Pam?
Meredith: A few months, that’s why they’re rushing the wedding.
Michael: [whispering] Guys, guys… you can’t believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It’s just… there’s no stalking it. It’s a weird day for false facts. Let it go.
Michael: [with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff… who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
Dwight: [giving envelopes to interns] Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I’ve attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night.
Eric: Why would we call you at night?
Dwight: [grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground] Well now you can’t call me at all. Problem solved.
Jim: [to Eric] You’re gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs.
Dwight: Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. [interns do nothing] One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you [looks directly at Megan] will make a great mother. It’s up to you to choose which you want to be.
Erin: [eating cake with Kelly] I am so happy you’re eating again.
Kelly: [mouth full of cake] Me too!
Andy: [to Jim] Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?
Jim: Oh, I don’t really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though.
Andy: Women friends?
Jim: Yep.
Andy: Not guy friends?
Jim: Are you… interested in her guy friends?
Andy: No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: But off the record, I’m kinda confused.
Jim: Really.
Andy: Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like…
Jim: Well you gotta figure this out.
Andy: Yeah, right?
Jim: Yeah!
Andy: How?
Jim: You gotta have sex with a woman.
Andy: Right-o.
Jim: And a man.
Andy: Ohh…
Jim: And then compare.
Andy: Alright. [looks around uneasily] Well hey…
Jim: Yep.
Andy: Congratulations to you.
Jim: On what?
Andy: [chuckles] Come on… little baby Tuna. Little junior toro.
Jim: [looks around room nervously]
Angela: [to Pam] Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?
Pam: What?
Angela: Want me to say it again?
Pam: Why did that come into your brain?
Jim: [grabs Pam by the arm] Can I talk to you for a second?
Jim: [whispering to Pam in corner of room] So, they know.
Pam: Who did you tell?
Jim: I didn’t tell anyone! Who did you tell?
Pam: Nobody!
Creed: [approaching Jim and Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don’t, and if it gets out, they won’t let me scuba.
Creed: If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?
Oscar: [to Andy] What? You think I’m the voice of the Taco Bell dog?
Toby: [to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?
Jim: Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?
Everyone: [in unison] Yes.
Michael: [entering conference room] Yeah, yeah… you know what? Let’s discredit these rumors.
Jim: Yeah, sure, but… who’s been saying all that stuff?
Michael: That’s not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn’t listen to any of that crap.
Pam: Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let’s pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning.
Kevin: I need to do mine first. Who’s been saying that there’s another person inside of me, working me with controls?
Creed: I heard that from… Andy.
Andy: I heard it from Erin.
Erin: I heard it from Michael.
Michael: [quietly leaves room]
Pam: [approaching Michael at elevators] Michael? [to others] He’s over here!
Pam: [to Michael] Where are you going?
Michael: Nowhere.
Dwight: Michael… [leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers] You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? [Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open]
Pam: Don’t get on it. [Michael inches toward elevator]
Jim: Michael, don’t.
Pam: Don’t… get… on. Do not.
Jim: Michael…
Kevin: Stay.
Pam: Step away.
Creed: Come on, boss.
Michael: [reluctantly exits elevator]
Michael: [to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up.
Everyone: [sighs in unison]
Andy: Even the fact that I’m gay?
Michael: Yes.
Andy: [relieved] Yes!
Michael: But guys, I’m a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I’m a J. Crew model.
Angela: No. We heard that about Jim.
Michael: Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Angela: How is that a bad rumor?
Michael: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they’re very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It’s set our industry back quite a bit.
Oscar: Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley’s affair, me being a spokesdog…
Stanley: [pissed off] You told everyone I was having an affair?
Michael: Okay, okay… here’s the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn’t want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.
Kelly: Well then, what’s the one true rumor?
Phyllis: We have a right to know.
Andy: Michael… am I gay?
Michael: [sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person’s life, is that…
Jim: [interrupting] That Pam’s pregnant.
Angela: I knew it!
Kevin: I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought “Oh, she has a new bra with padding.” But then I thought “Pam doesn’t need padding.” It just didn’t add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thank you.
Phyllis: Congratulations!
Erin: That’s really great, you guys.
Ryan: Don’t vaccinate it.
Dwight: Who’s the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: How far along?
Jim: Four months.
Creed: Who’s the OB/GYN?
Pam: Stop. Don’t. Just…
Michael: Alright, alright… you know, this is not the truth, and you can’t fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair.
Jim: Nope.
Michael: Yes. Jim…
Jim: [arm around Pam] Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it.
Pam: Yes.
Jim: If everyone would like to see proof.
Pam: Okay. [leaves room]
Kelly: Are we just gonna wait here? [Pam returns, displays sonogram]
Everyone: [gasps, then cheers]
Kelly: It’s true!
Michael: Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael]
Pam: [talking head with Jim] It’s clear why we were trying not to tell people. That’s clear now. [Jim nods, looking at floor]
Michael: [to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy?
Jim & Pam: [look at each other uncertainly]
Michael: A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should’ve told me.
Pam: [exchanges looks with Jim] You’re right. We should’ve realized that you are an equal part of this.
Michael: [phone rings, hits speaker button]
Erin: Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call.
Michael: [gasps]
Pam: [in disbelief] You called Stanley’s wife?
Michael: Oh, oh… yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh… oh God.
Jim: Don’t take it.
Michael: No, I have to take it, or it’ll seem suspicious.
Pam: If you talk to her, you’re gonna tell her about Stanley, and that’s gonna seem more suspicious.
Michael: No, no, I can do this.
Jim: You can’t do this.
Michael: Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won’t talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.
Jim: That sounds terrible.
Pam: Michael, please don’t.
Michael: [picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified]
Jim: [gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay]
Michael: Hold on a second, Cynthia.
Jim: [hangs up Michael’s phone, leaves room]
Michael: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael’s office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael’s Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So… you can’t stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don’t think you should ever try.
Maurie: [talking head with Eric and Megan] I learned that a company can describe their internship as “full of exciting experiences,” even if that’s a lie. There’s no regulation.
Megan: I learned that half these people’s email password is “password.”
Eric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Megan: I thought it was 500.
Eric: Oh… I guess I didn’t learn anything.
Maurie: I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you “Jet Li” all summer.
Megan: [raises hand] Julia Stiles.
Eric: [raises hand] Alan Thicke.