Season 5 – Episode 26 “Company Picnic”

Written by Ken Kwapis
Directed by Jennifer Celotta & Paul Lieberstein
Original Air Date: May 14th, 2009
Transcribed by Katie

Erin: [phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin… He’s not available right now… Uh huh… Yes… Sure, I’ll give him the message when he gets up– gets back.
Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we’re all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about… ten minutes.
Jim: [whispering] Okay, I’m gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?
Pam: [whispering] I can do it.
Dwight: [whispering] What do you need from me?
Dwight: Normally I don’t condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don’t know. [laughs heartily] No, I’m kidding. He’s just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
Michael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]
Dwight: [changing the clock in Michael’s car] Like clockwork.
Jim: [silently counting] Three, two, one… [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly]
Michael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What’s so funny?
Pam: You had to be there.
Michael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let’s all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
Michael: See you later!
Dwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah!
Jim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this?
Pam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh]
Pam: Oh, don’t get us wrong, we like picnics.
Jim: Come on, who doesn’t like a picnic?
Pam: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam: No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam: Yeah, you don’t grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance.
Jim: Well…
Dwight: I’m gonna say 30.
Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
Dwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
Rolph: Woah. Homemade?
Dwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]
Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
Kevin: Michael, isn’t that Holly?
Michael: We’re just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Holly: Oh no, I see they’re letting just anybody in here.
Michael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that’s right.
Holly: All right.
Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.
Holly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?
Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.
AJ: Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Holly: Lemonade sounds great.
Michael: Okay.
AJ: I’d love an iced tea, actually.
Michael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I’m kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: “Holly, you and I are soup snakes.” The-and the reason is… because… in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn’t make any sense. We’re soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
Charles: Jim. Pam.
Jim: Hey, how are you?
Pam: Hey Charles.
Charles: Nice day, huh?
Jim: Yeah.
Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]
Jim: I don’t get it. He’s not even my boss anymore.
Pam: Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Jim: No, I shouldn’t have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.
Dwight: Listen up everyone! I’ve gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim’s whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?
Jim: Well, I could’ve died, so… I looked it up online afterwards.
Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!
Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?
Dwight: Why? I don’t understand.
Andy: If-
Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.
Andy: Uh… [laughs sheepishly]
Dwight: I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna do you one better. I’m gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.
Andy: That’s…
Dwight: Sly dog.
Andy: … not what I meant.
Dwight: Come on, folks!
Michael: What is up with you two, Holly?
Holly: Um, not much.
AJ: We’re designing a house.
Michael: Cool. For who?
AJ: For us.
Michael: Wow… I’m designing a chair. It’s part of your pants. You sit down, you’re supported.
Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]
AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I’m a size 34 waist.
Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
Holly: Okay, yeah.
AJ: You guys are really gonna do this?
Michael: You bet your fat ass we are.
Michael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.
Michael: That’s right.
Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!
Michael: Newspapers for sale!
Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I’m concerned you might be in danger.
Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.
Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You’re doing great, by the way.
Erin: Thanks.
Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]
Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!
Andy: Are you blind?!
Dwight: I could’ve gotten that, idiot!
Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!
Dwight: It’s not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let’s focus! Come on, you’re better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!
Phyllis: We’ve been out here for a while. I don’t need this.
Dwight: [grunts in frustration]
Dwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand’s on the net.
Woman: So what?
Dwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you’re right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?
Pam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What?
Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high… and in high school… maybe a little in college… and went to volleyball camp most summers.
Pam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win!
Jim: Nice job, Beesly.
Dwight: Yes! We advance to the next round!
Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven.
Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]
Michael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
Holly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?
Michael: [watching her eat] What?
Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or…
Michael: Um, no, I just thought we’d wing it. That cool?
Holly: Crystal cool.
Dwight: [playing volleyball] Hit it Andy!
Andy: Bump! I bumped it!
Kevin: Set!
Dwight: Don’t set it to yourself!
Kevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah!
Phyllis: Ow, my ankle!
Dwight: What happened?
Phyllis: I… twisted it.
Dwight: You weren’t even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!
Angela: I can play.
Rolph: Is there a… Meredith here?
Meredith: Yeah! Man in!
Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me?
Rolph: I don’t hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend’s heart. Let’s go!
Michael: We could do a movie… sort of thing.
Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
Michael: Oh!
Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time… fix their parents. [both laugh]
Michael: Could we get a Delorean?
Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.
Michael: Oh! [to the theme of “Jaws”] Dun-der. Dun-der…
Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der…
Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]
Holly: Oh… We haven’t found our great idea yet.
Michael: No. No.
Holly: Oh.
Michael: We’re circling it.
Holly: Hmm…
David: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We’re still going to crush you though!
Charles: Yes we are!
Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They’re gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]
Rolph: It’s true!
Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
Toby: Really, really funny.
Kendall: Really funny.
Dwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug]
Oscar: Settle down gentlemen.
Pam: Good game!
David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.
Michael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it’s a sketch now.
David: Okay, introducing Scranton’s Michael Scott performing with Nashua’s Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]
Michael: And now, presenting…
Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]
Michael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]
Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?
Michael: Yes, I am.
Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?
Michael: Ohh, I’m thinking… I’m going to say… B, tour of Dartmouth College.
Holly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]
Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Holly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you’ll get in?
Michael: Yeah, I’m definitely getting in. I’m a shoo-in.
Holly: I’m Robert Dunder.
Michael: I’m Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience’s response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]
Holly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!
Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Holly: That is correct!
Michael: Yes!
Stanley: I usually don’t enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.
Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!
Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
Holly: That is correct!
Man from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about?
Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael’s fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!
Michael: David Wallace told me!!
Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?
David: Uh, okay everyone, we’re at a picnic today…
Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?
Holly: They didn’t know?
Michael: [whispers] I guess not.
David: I’m sorry, this certainly wasn’t the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.
Woman from Buffalo: And?
David: We’re- we’re closing the Buffalo branch.
Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ve got to be kidding me! We’re the best branch in the company! I can’t believe it. [Michael and Holly bow]
David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?
Michael: Well… I didn’t know they didn’t know.
David: What about the fact that they’re here today? What about that? That didn’t throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, “oh, this would be really funny.”
Michael: Thank you.
David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, “is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?”
Michael: Well, he’s just thinking about his own gifts.
Meredith: Maybe we shouldn’t play due to the circumstances.
Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.
Pam: How do you figure?
Dwight: Because if we don’t play, then the other team wins.
Oscar: Dwight’s right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.
Pam: Let’s do this.
Andy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]
Charles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I’ve been up for a while.
Kevin: It’s six to six. It’s a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]
Angela: Kevin! Now it’s seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
Rolph: Here’s an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore.
Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.
Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-
Dwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-
Rolph: No way! You don’t mean that!
Dwight: Rolph, leave it alone!
Erin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!
Pam: [running for the ball] I got it!
Dwight: Pam!
Pam: [falls] Oof!
Jim: You all right?
Pam: Yep. No, no, no, I’m fine.
Jim: You sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Hey, easy, easy…
Charles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.
Pam: No, no, it’s fine. Just gimme a second.
Charles: I don’t know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?
David: Yeah.
Jim: All right, you know what? You’re just trying to get rid of our best player.
Charles: Oh, Jim, you’re putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance’s health.
Jim: No, uh-
Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let’s go, it’s our ball. Let’s go!
Charles: Yeah, I don’t think we can let you play with that foot.
Dwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I’ll stall ’em.
Charles: I guess that’s it for you, Jim.
Jim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let’s do this.
Pam: We’ll be back!
Dwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I’ll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods]
Michael: Probably shouldn’t have mentioned Buffalo.
Holly: Hindsight.
Michael: Should’ve had hindsight.
Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?
Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good.
Holly: There weren’t any laughs.
Michael: No, it was a tough audience.
Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.
Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Holly: Well, I’m glad we did it.
Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year’s sketch.
Holly: I can’t wait.
Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she’s with the nurse right now, so you’ll have to stall a little longer… No, don’t send in the subs yet… Dwight, I don’t know. Think of something!
Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.
Pam: How long will that take?
Nurse: Oh, shouldn’t be too bad, it’s a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you’re pregnant…
Pam: I’m sorry, can we just hurry this up? I’ve got a game to get back to.
Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was “do you have a game to get back to.”
Holly: What’d you think?
AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but…
Michael: Well you guys should hit the road before… I close down another branch.
Holly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you.
Michael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ.
AJ: Michael. [they shake hands]
Michael: I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and… Maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s gonna take a long time… And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.
David: Dwight, come on now, it’s time to put in the subs.
Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won’t make it back. Okay?
Dwight: Okay. Fine.
Charles: All right! Come on.
Dwight: Except, you know what? It’s not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?
Andy: Dwight.
Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?
David: Dwight.
Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please?
David: Okay.
Dwight: Eight?
Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we’re so close! Just buy us a few more minutes… Well, they just called me in for an update, so I’ll call you right back… Okay… Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh… send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]