Season 5 – Episode 21 “Michael Scott Paper Company”

Written by Justin Spitzer
Directed by Gene Stupnitsky
Original Air Date: April 9th, 2009

Michael: It’s Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. [tries to parallel park, hits car.] Okay. Not gonna make this one. [drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser]
Jim: LOVE the hair. [Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair]
Pam: Morning Michael!
Michael: Hello! They took away my parking space but they can’t take away my pride! [awkwardly climbs out of his car]
Michael: I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won’t cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!
Kelly: So. I thought we could take the customer on a… Then. Then we could…
Jim: You realize you’re not actually talking to me, right?
Kelly: And…
Charles: Hey Kelly?
Kelly: Yes? Charles, you wanted me?
Charles: Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. [New receptionist walks in]
Jim: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles’ office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says “You wanted me” enough, he will in fact want her. It’s not the worse plan she’s ever had.
Charles: Oh, and Kelly…
Kelly: Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?
Charles: Okay, I’m gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon.
Erin: If we’re changing names, can I be Erin? It’s my middle name.
Charles: Erin. Okay, that’s very pretty.
Kelly: Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!
Kevin: I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy’s name?
Michael: We are in the heart of it. [Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.] And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
Pam: What should we do now?
Michael: We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.
Michael: I don’t know I think we’ve done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I’ve updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.
Michael: I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. [He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.]
Pam: I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I’m receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it’s cold in there. Cause it’s technically a closet.
Andy: What do you think?
Dwight: Let me check. [Pulls out hunting scope] Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Andy: Thank you!
Dwight: Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.
Ryan: You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we’ll hang out Scranton style.
Michael: Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Ryan: Please don’t listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she’s like um, she’d probably be a Six in New York, but she’s like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It’s a small space.
Charles: Hey Jim can I get a, um-
Jim: Hi! [Awkward]
Charles: Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me.
Jim: Sure!
Charles: Yeah.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: What the hell’s a rundown?
Jim: When did you need that rundown by?
Charles: As soon as possible.
Jim: Okay.
Charles: Just get it right.
Jim: Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I’m gonna dive in. To the rundown. I’ll be exhausted ’cause it’s like a triathlon. [At door.] Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?
Erin: Oh.
Dwight: You know there’s a ghost in this office
Erin: Really?
Dwight: A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute.
Erin: Why was she in this building?
Dwight: Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor.
Erin: That’s crazy.
Dwight: Yeah isn’t it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop.
Erin: Oh my god!
Dwight: It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?
Erin: Hmm.
Dwight: That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you’re next. [Taps her shoulder]
Erin: Oh! [Dwight and Erin laugh.]
Dwight: Just kidding. You finding everything okay?
Erin: Yeah.
Dwight: Yeah?
Erin: Just got some ice.
Dwight: Erin [eerie voice] Erin…
Andy: Oh, this is awkward. [Andy and Erin ‘dance’ trying to get out of each other’s way]
Erin: Oops!
Andy: Uh oh! Oh! Oh! [Andy improvs musical verbage]
Erin: So I’ll see you guys around!
Dwight: Hey buddy.
Michael: Hey Ryan? [Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube] Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan: Pam’s better at that stuff
Pam: That is so insulting.
Ryan: How is it insulting to say that you’re good at something?
Pam: Because the thing you’re saying I’m good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan: I’m not judging it, it’s like … I could run GM but I couldn’t fix a car. It’s not saying one is better than the other.
Pam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
Ryan: What the hell? [Michael closed his laptop]
Michael: Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don’t make copies, I’m the boss. Got it? I make originals.
Ryan: Yeah I make originals too.
Pam: Shut up!
Michael: Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Pam: Really!
Ryan: Yeah!
Toby: Not much? What’s up with you? [from bathroom above] Nah it’s okay. I’m in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It’s so good. No, you gotta tune in, it’s as good as anything on HBO. [sound of pissing] Hey does blue go with tan?
Michael: Would someone just make the copy?
Toby: I have like, like a blue shirt? I don’t wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh.
Michael: Just make that copy okay?
Pam: Seriously? This is what’s so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?
Ryan: That’s me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand.
Pam: I don’t want to look at your friend Jasmine’s boobs all day.
Ryan: You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all.
Pam: Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?
Ryan: This is from the sun.
Pam: Oh yeah I bet.
Michael: They’re getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he’s too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.
Pam: Michael, we can hear you.
Michael: I’m on the phone, please. Mom, I’m gonna have to call you back. P’s being a giant B.
Pam: Okay it’s my turn.
Ryan: No don’t take that, give that back!
Pam: Give it back for what? What’re you gonna do with it?
Ryan: I’m gonna make a spreadsheet.
Pam: You’re gonna make another “spreadsheet.”
Ryan: Yeah!
Pam: Yeah exactly. It’s my turn.
Ryan: Go make a copy, secretary.
Pam: Come on! Ryan!
Michael: They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?
Dwight: Hey buddy, what are you up to?
Andy: Um, nerthing?
Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I’m assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis.
Andy: Pffft.
Dwight: Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
Andy: The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man.
Dwight: And I, yours. So I will cede her to you.
Andy: No, that’s ridiculous.
Dwight: No no no.
Andy: Look you’ve been here longer, and besides, I’m a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-
Dwight: Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, [They Hi-5 badly] Boom.
Michael: Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Pam: Definitely.
Michael: Okay. There are … 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Pam: We could work from home.
Ryan: Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education.
Michael: Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?
Pam: …. Corner idea?
Michael: No, you’re supposed to say, “Rock the house.”
Ryan: Rock the house!
Pam: How would we know that?
Jim: Hey dude, you know what a “rundown” is?
Oscar: Use it in a sentence.
Jim: “Uh, can you get this rundown for me?” [impersonating Charles]
Oscar: Try another sentence.
Jim: “This rundown better be really good”?
Oscar: I don’t know but it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Jim: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar: Why don’t you just ask him–
Jim: No. I can’t. It was like, hours ago.
Oscar: What have you been doing?
Kevin: Try it in another sentence.
Ryan: Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, “Hey cop, you like donuts?” then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. [Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.] I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I’m talking about it’s the one, the one with the awesome browser. [More bathroom noises] No, not that one.
Michael: That’s my corner.
Pam: I thought that was your corner.
Michael: No, this is where I work. I can’t relax in the same corner where I work.
Pam: So my corner’s the one with the copier?
Michael: Pam, I don’t make the rules. [Pam walks out.]
Ryan: Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don’t want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is.
Charles: You started on that rundown yet? [Looks at Jim’s screen.]
Jim: Oh, this is just something I’m taking a break with.
Charles: Oh.
Jim: I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now.
Charles: Okay, great.
Jim: Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you’re looking for ?
Charles: Just keep it simple.
Jim: Keeping it simple -that’s what I’m doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard.
Charles: You’re working hard? On this?
Jim: No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should.
Charles: Right. I mean why work harder than you should.
Jim: No, I….
Erin: Can I help you?
Pam: No thanks.
Jim: Hey!
Pam: Hey I’m here to see Charles.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Hey Charles.
Charles: Hey Pam.
Pam: I know you’re a very busy man so I’ll cut right to the chase. I’d like my old job back.
Charles: I don’t know what to tell you. The job’s been taken.
Pam: Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now.
Charles: Um.
Pam: Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people.
Charles: Yeah I know.
Pam: Personal shopper?
Charles: No.
Pam: Well it was great catching up with you. And I’ll see you around the building.
Charles: Okay.
Pam: I’m just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that’s okay. The air smells so good. I don’t remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable.
Michael: Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.
Stanley: I get it. [To Phyllis] You need to see more?
Phyllis: It’s really cute.
Michael: Thank you. You remember Ryan [Stanley laughs deeply] And Pam is around here somewhere.
Stanley: She’s upstairs talking to Charles.
Michael: What for?
Stanley: I don’t know. [They shrug and leave.]
Ryan: Are we staying til five?
Michael: Yes.
Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That’ll show ’em.
Michael: Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. [Flips a pancake. It’s about 8×11 inches] Young sir, would you like a free pancake?
Ryan: I’m texting. I don’t want to get my fingers sticky.
Michael: Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you’re the face of this company.
Michael: Hey Pam.
Pam: Hey.
Michael: You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Pam: Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff.
Michael: Yeah?
Pam: That’s as specific as I’d like to be.
Michael: Well, at least you’re still being honest with me.
Jim: There’s the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren’t prepared for.
Charles: Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Jim: Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?
Charles: Do I need to?
Jim: No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my…?
Charles: What’s that?
Jim: The one I have. I’ll use the one I have.
Jim: Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown.
Pam: We’re small, but we’re eager to make a name for ourselves.
Man: Do you have a card?
Pam: Nope, I don’t have a card, but I’ll do you one better. A little scrap of paper.
Creed: These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly.
Michael: These are shaped like paper.
Creed: Well I don’t even want these. [Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.]
Meredith: I’ll take them for my kid.
Erin: Country roads, take me home, to the place…[Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar] Sorry. I like that song. You’re good!
Dwight: You’re good.
Erin: Thank you.
Andy: That was great, but it’s just sort of, it’s still a little choppy like. But don’t worry, it’s hard, it took me a while too. It’s like [Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.]
Erin: Wow!
Andy: What? Oh my God you heard that I’m so embarrassed. I’m like so rusty.
Dwight: Oh it’s good, you’re coming along. It’s really technically proficient but really there’s no heart or soul in it.
Andy: Really?
[Dwight plays a hearty strum of the song, Andy stands and starts a banjo solo]
Dwight: Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven…
Dwight and Erin: West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River [Andy vocalizes]
Dwight: In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend
Dwight and Andy: Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. [Erin leaves]
Dwight: Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh
Toby: You have to stop. [bangs on glass window]
[Michael sits alone at the pancake table alone, the breeze blowing paper around.]
Michael: I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. [The phone rings] It is a disgusting sandwich. [It rings again.] And the reason I tell you this story. [phone] Pick up the phone.
Pam: Dunder Miff…Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we’d like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?
Ryan: Keep going. [Whispers]
Michael: Don’t tell them we have free delivery! [Also whispers]
Pam: We already offered free delivery!
Michael: They don’t know that!
Pam: Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do… just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!
Ryan: Write it down.
Michael: Give him a guarantee.
Pam: A guarantee of what?
Michael: Just say the word.
Pam: And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! ‘Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell.
Michael: Yes!
Pam: I made a sale!
Ryan: Oh!
Michael: You did!
Pam: Oh!
Michael: Oh yeah!
Ryan: We did it !
Michael: She did it!
Michael: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Dancing in the office]
Michael: Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don’t have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really [flushing] Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what’s important.
Andy: Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song.
Dwight: Cherry Pie, Warrant.
Andy: Better a cappella!
Dwight: No! Really?
Andy: Yeah. Name another.
Dwight: Enter Sandman, Metallica.
Andy: Better a cappella.
Dwight: Rebel Yell, Billy Idol
Andy: Aw!! Way better a cappella
Dwight: Really?
Andy: Yeah.