Season 5 – Episode 16 “Blood Drive”

Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by Randall Einhorn
Original Air Date: March 5th, 2009

Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I’m from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam: I’m sorry, he’s not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He’s never around when I come by.
Pam: Shoot.
Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I’d like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine.
Phone Salesman: How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he’ll be here.
Pam: That is a great idea.
Phone Salesman: Great.
Pam: [while leafing through Michael’s appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let’s see, he’s really…
Jim: [approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?
Pam: There he is!
Phone Salesman: Oh, hi! Great.
Jim: Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don’t need a new system though. Happy with ours.
Michael: [coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you?
Jim: Jimbo!
Michael: …Jim.
Jim: [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!
Michael: Ayyyy!
Pam: Ayyyy!
Michael: Ayyyy!
Jim: Ayyyy!
Dwight: [running from his desk] Ayyyy!
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!
Phone Salesman: Ok. I’m, uh, I’ll be going.
Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight: Ayyyy!
Michael: [laughing] What was that?
Pam: That was funny.
Michael: That was funny. Let’s go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!
Michael: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
Kevin: I miss Stacy.
Michael: Yeah, I hear ya. It’s been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you’re hurting…
Kevin: I can’t even imagine.
Pam: This is our first and only Valentine’s Day as fiances.
Jim: You’re only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but.
Pam: Really, Jim? On Cupid’s birthday?
Jim: Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She’s fine.
Kelly: So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.
Michael: Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam’s desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They’re very pretty and I wouldn’t want them to fall. [Kevin groans]
Michael: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine’s Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
Michael: Pam, really, they’re back?
Pam: I can’t see them when they’re on the floor
Jim: They’re for her to look at, Michael.
Michael: Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim: Yes, let’s have a word.
Michael: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim: Oh, I’m sorry.
Michael: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it’s creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim: I understand that.
Dwight: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest–
Jim: We do.
Michael: –that none of us can be a part of–
Pam: You can’t be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael: [gesturing Pam to be quiet] –then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine’s Day party.
Jim: That sounds fun.
Michael: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart’s convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
Dwight: Having trouble finding a vein?
Blood Drive Worker: Yup, a little.
Dwight: How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm]
Dwight: I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat]
Michael: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that’s a big needle, that —
Blood Drive Worker: You’re gonna need to lie down right over here.
Michael: Okay. Hello.
Blood Girl: Hi, I cant talk right now. I’m sorry.
Michael: Oh, OK.
Blood Girl: Whew, I’m really nervous.
Michael: Yeah, me too.
Blood Girl: Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Michael: Oh, well, that’s fine.
Blood Girl: Whew, it’s better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
Michael: Yeah, can I point something out to you?
Blood Girl: Sure.
Michael: You’re actually talking a lot.
Blood Girl: Sorry, it’s the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Michael: Okay, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker: Alright, here we go.
Michael: Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]
Blood Drive Worker: Just relax.
Michael: Yup, I’m good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch.
Blood Girl: Oh, that’s gross.
Michael: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Blood Girl: God, stop. Stop it.
Phyllis: Hey, why don’t you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We’ll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob.
Pam: What do you think?
Jim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren’t gonna sweep themselves.
Pam: We’re in.
Michael: Yick.
Blood Girl: What?
Michael: I looked at the bag.
Blood Girl: Ew.
Michael: I looked straight at the bag.
Blood Girl: That’s not good.
Michael: Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don’t have blood in them?
Blood Girl: Well, ok… bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad.
Michael: That was mean.
Blood Girl: Um, a hat.
Michael: A hat.
Blood Girl: A hat with no blood in it?
Michael: That is full of soup.
Blood Girl: You’re cute.
Michael: What?
Blood Drive Worker: You’re done.
Michael: Oh, already.
Blood Girl: Ah, we did it!
Michael: Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don’t think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]
Blood Girl: Is he OK?
Michael: [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]
Hank: What?
Michael: Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
Blood Drive Worker: Oh. She left.
Michael: OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that’s hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I’m gonna return her glove.
Blood Drive Worker: I’m sorry sir we can’t give out that information. [Michael sighs]
Meredith: [seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing?
Kelly: Decorating.
Meredith: I’ll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it’s just a stupid baby.
Kelly: Yeah, thanks.
Phyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis: I know
Bob: I honestly don’t know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis: He’s talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim: Oh yeah, I understood.
Michael: Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don’t need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let’s, who else? Oscar.
Oscar: I don’t think so.
Michael: Come on, I’m sure there’s something you need to get off your chest.
Oscar: I can’t.
Michael: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I’m sure whatever you did it wasn’t your fault. OK well, who else?
Bob: Everyone here who’s bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so]
Jim: No way, a 280?
Pam: Wow, that’s impressive.
Phyllis: Okay. Now everyone here who’s bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim: Yikes.
Phyllis: Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly]
Jim: No. Bob, no. No!
Pam: What?
Bob: One time. You love bringing up that one time, don’t you?
Phyllis: Yes I do.
Pam: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim: That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim: But! That girl must’ve had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam: No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob: Oh yeah. You can always model ladies’ jewelry.
Jim: Nobody asked, Bob!
Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela: Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but…
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael: Moron, if he was there wouldn’t be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn’t gay. [everyone groans]
Michael: Really sad.
Oscar: I’m not done yet.
Michael: Oh my God.
Kevin: A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says “I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.” [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised]
Michael: Well then it’s a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Angela: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela: I guess I have. Huh.
Michael: Alright who’s next? Where’s Andy?
Oscar: He’s on one of his honeymoons.
Michael: What?
Oscar: He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he’s just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he’s hot air ballooning and later he’s got a couple’s massage.
Kevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said “Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!” and she said that we’re done.
Michael: You know what guys? I don’t think we need to do this.
Dwight: You’re right. OK everyone, back to work.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine’s, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There’s a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight: A net? a giant net?
Michael: No. Not a giant net.
Dwight: What do you have in mind?
Michael: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Dwight: Oh God, that’s a terrible idea.
Michael: Old fashioned meet market —
Dwight: No.
Michael: — I don’t think it is.
Dwight: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you’re not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You’re like the guy who invented the seat belt.
Michael: These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say “I’m in love I was hit by cupid’s sparrow.” Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: Hey. No movement.
Michael: Ah, still early.
Dwight: Eh, its not that early.
Michael: [sighs] So how you holding up?
Dwight: I’m ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side.
Michael: No. No, I meant about being single today.
Dwight: Oh. Meh.
Michael: Meh, exactly. Eh.
Dwight: Eh.
Michael: Oh, here we go.
Dwight: Hello.
Michael: Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead]
Dwight: Dwight K. Schrute. Why don’t you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight.
Michael: Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I’m Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Lynn: Oh, hi! I’m Lynn.
Michael: Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
Kevin: Hello.
Lynn: Hi.
Michael: [after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from?
Kevin: I’m from here!
Michael: Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better.
Kevin: Thank you, Michael.
Dwight: I can untie any knot. I’m serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.
Blonde: I- I- believe you.
Dwight: You shouldn’t believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today.
Blonde: Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.
Dwight: You must use a lot of paper.
Blonde: Oh God tons of it .
Pam: What’s the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?
Jim: I think if you ordered hot food you’re allowed to eat.
Pam: Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They’ve been in there for like ten minutes.
Jim: Look at that. Bob ordered hot food.
Pam: Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries.
Jim: We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom]
Kevin: At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It’s really cool.
Lynn: That does sound cool.
Kevin: I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected]
Kevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So… fast.
Michael: So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Eric: I am.
Michael: Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that’s sort of a repair. Alright, I’ll let you guys talk.
Michael: It’s going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that’s what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it’s not too late.
Dwight: …and the kind of discounts we’re talking about are not… hold on – Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?
Michael: No reason.
Dwight: Is somebody after you?
Oscar: Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?
Dwight: Hey, it just takes one!
Michael: Nobody’s after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
Kelly: You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic.
Michael: It’s not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it’s like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don’t add up.
Oscar: It’s possible.
Kelly: She could be.
Michael: Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Kelly: Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly]
Jim: Here they come.
Pam: [looking up from her pilfering of Bob’s food] What?
Jim: No, just kidding. Seriously though, that’s enough.
Pam: Well, you should cover it with the broccoli.
Jim: Oh great, I have to cover?
Pam: Do you think they dined and dashed?
Jim: Well they didn’t dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed.
Pam: I thought we were having a nice time.
Jim: We were.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [emerging from the Men’s room] Empty.
Pam: [exiting the Ladies’ room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate]
Jim: Oh boy.
Pam: My God.
Jim: OK.
Girl: Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl]
Michael: Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Bob: OK then.
Jim: So…
Bob: Where were we?
Phyllis: [out of breath] Bowling.
Pam: Yep, that, yeah.
Bob: You didn’t eat much there Jimbo.
Jim: Oh initially I did.
Bob: Want some meat?
Phyllis: Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though.
Bob: Forgot.
Phyllis: Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob’s meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera]
Kevin: Hey, I’m sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.
Lynn: That’s really sweaty.
Kevin: Are you on email?
Lynn: Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card]
Kevin: Cool. Bye.
Lynn: Bye, Kevin.
Kevin: Good Valentine’s.
Dwight: So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you.
Blonde: OK. [Blonde stands up to leave]
Dwight: OK, what’s up?
Blonde: Look, I’m gonna go…
Dwight: Oh-oh-oh before you go, I’d just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign–
Blonde: Look, we already have a paper supplier.
Dwight: OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!
Michael: Hey, you don’t deserve her.
Dwight: Thanks, Michael.
Michael: Hey, if anybody wants to go…
Oscar: We can stay a little longer.
Michael: Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks.
Kelly: Michael, it’s time.
Michael: You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I’m gonna soldier on a little bit.
Oscar: Come on, we’ll all go.
Michael: [after some encouragement] OK.
Michael: Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I’ve even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it’s not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it’s about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There’s a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.
Stanley: Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I’m still feeling woozy.
Blood Drive Worker: Of course. [noticing Stanley’s arm] That’s weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we’ve been using Band-Aids.
Stanley: [backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids.
Phyllis: Damn.