Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Jeffrey Blitz
Original Air Date: February 1st, 2008
Angela: Did you bring your jerky in again?
Dwight: [clears throat]
Pam: [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!
Andy: Whoa, fire!
Dwight: Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
Pam: The phones are dead.
Dwight: Oh, how did that happen?
Kevin: It’s out in the hall.
Dwight: No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct.
Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm.
Dwight: What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?
Michael: Stay [bleep] calm!
Dwight: Wait, wait, wait.
Michael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!
Dwight: No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.
Michael: What does warm mean?
Everyone: [groaning] Oh my God.
Dwight: Not a viable option.
Pam: Try a different door.
Dwight: Okay, what’s next?
Michael: Don’t run.
Dwight: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle?
Andy: It– it’s warm.
Dwight: Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]
Jim: Back door.
Dwight: Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!
Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.
Stanley: Leave it woman!
Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can…
Oscar: Ah! My hand! That’s hot!
Andy: Aah! This ones hot too!
Michael: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself.
Dwight: Okay, let’s go.
Everyone: [shouting] Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way!
Dwight: Calm, please
Andy: Get out of the way!
Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Andy: Move it!
Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth?
Angela: [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It’s okay. Shh shhh.
Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people.
Dwight: What’s next?
Oscar: Stay alive! I’m getting help!
Angela: Pull me up!
Oscar: You’re too heavy!
Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh– save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!
Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]
Pam: What do we do?
Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.
Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]
Angela: What is that? What is that?
Andy: The fire’s shooting at us!
Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!
Andy: Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!
Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! [Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling]
Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]
Michael: [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!
Stanley: I’m about to die!
Dwight: [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation.
Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It’s not real Stanley. Don’t have a heart attack.
Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him mouth to mouth.
Jim: No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this!
Michael: He’s going to swallow is tongue.
Jim: No. Michael. Michael.
Michael: Open your mouth. Come on. Don’t swallow it.
Jim: [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Leave me al–
Andy: You’re choking him!
Michael: Saving him!
Dwight: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
David Wallace: You could have burned down the whole building.
Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Lawyer: Did you shout, “Fire!”, causing a panic?
Dwight: Yes I shouted “fire!”. I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what– heeded–
Michael: Hed. Hedded
Dwight: When no one hedded–
Michael: Take hedded of.
Dwight: N-no one would take hedded of my instructions.
Michael: Heed. Heed.
Dwight: So, you–
Michael: Take heed of.
Dwight: And, well, I don’t see my co-workers–
Michael: Take heed of.
Dwight: Hee-heeding this right now.
Michael: Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No, we are mad.
Michael: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace: No, we’re not.
Michael: I am not a mind reader, David.
David: Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you.
Michel: Can you shove down? Instead… shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer.
Michael: And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn’t like.
David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?
Michael: Do you?
David Wallace: Michael?
Michael: You talking to me?
David Wallace: Yeah.
Michael: [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man’s life is in my hands.
Dwight: Don’t you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?
Dwight: I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.
Michael: That’s not gonna happen. I’m taking over as safety man.
Dwight: What? You?
Dwight: Come on.
Michael: I’m a smart guy. I’ll figure it out.
Dwight: That’s preposterous.
Michael: No, I will.
Stanley: Thank you, Michael.
Stanley: [flashback] No way. Uh-uh.
Stanley: [flashback] Are you from another planet?
Stanley: [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it.
Stanley: [flashback] Did I stutter?
Stanley: [flashback] I’m done. Goodbye.
Andy: [in a British accent] A throne for your highness.
Stanley: I’m not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael: No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
Michael: Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means “always be closing.”
Dwight: This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.
Michael: Shut it. Shut it.
CPR Trainer: It’s been 20 seconds.
Kevin: Call it.
CPR Trainer: Would you like to try next?
Dwight: Absolutely I would not.
Michael: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Oh, I don’t know.
Phyllis: That’s not a good idea, Michael.
Michael: Come on.
Phyllis: He needs to rest.
Michael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael: And you’re okay with that?
Stanley: I’m okay with the logic of it.
Michael: Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let’s do this.
Michael: This is you we’re talking about.
Michael: Okay, okay. I’ll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right.
CPR Trainer: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that’s not part of it.
Michael: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would want to live with no legs.
Michael: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don’t do anything.
Rose: All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute .
Michael: okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How’s that gonna help you?
Michael: I will divide and then count to it.
Rose: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?
Michael: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Rose: No, it’s–Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Michael: Okay, I got it.
Creed: [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That’s how I know you.
Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Michael: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah…
Andy: Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it’s alright, it’s okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do!
Andy: Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Everyone: [muttering] Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Rose: Yeah, okay. You didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him.
Dwight: Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose: I have no idea.
Dwight: Anyone else?
Phyllis: We bury him?
Dwight: Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael: He is an organ donor.
Dwight: He is.
Dwight: Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go.
Angela: Oh my God! Dwight!
Angela: What are you– [people are yelling] What are you doing?
Dwight: We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart.
Stanley: I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down.
Michael: Hey, Stanley.
Michael: Are you okay?
Angela: Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own]
Stanley: Oh my God!
Stanley: Oh my God!
Dwight: I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.
David Wallace: We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Jim: And we don’t know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Jessica Alba: This is Sam.
Sam: Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday.
Lily: Please– Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let’s play Bridge. You can be my partner.
Sam: Alright… Lily.
Andy: Hmm? Who? Sam?
Jim: I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they’re saying to everyone else, then–
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let’s hear it.
Dwight: [clears throat] “I state my regret.”
Jim: You couldn’t of memorized that?
Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It’s not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Sam: I uh, I’m sorry I didn’t uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?
Lily: I want you to stay.
Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie’s mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite.
Lily: Get that done already.
Sam: I know but if I get it in deeper…
Andy: Yeah… but… eh… breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don’t think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?
Pam: So he doesn’t share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter’s fiance?
Andy: You guys, they’re making out.
Pam: Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?
Jim: Mmm… nope, we mostly just talked about cereal.
Pam: I dunno. I mean, maybe he’ll talk to you about some of this stuff ’cause he can’t really talk to me about it.
Pam: You’re good to talk to.
Jim: [laughs] I’m ok, I’m not, great, and um… [nods]
Jim: Don’t open your eyes.
Pam: What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh…
Michael: And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Meredith: Chunky monkey.
Michael: Too expensive.
Michael: Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley: It’s my bio-feedback machine..
Michael: Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael: You have stress?
Michael: During our relaxation exercise?
Phyllis: Let me get you some water.
Michael: No no, I’ll help you. I’ll help you up. Here we go.
Stanley: No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up]
Michael: Let me getcha.
Stanley: Would ya, would ya step back please
Michael: Ok, alright.
Stanley: Please. A little further.
Michael: Ok. [beeping slows down]
Stanley: That’s better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]
Michael: Ok… I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh… Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what HE said! Right guys, ’cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley’s monitor now] Let’s give this a shot.
Michael: Hellloo… [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]
Kevin: Michael, I think you’re what’s stressing everybody out.
Pam: After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment.
Jim: Oh my God. Pam, I don’t know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I’m so sorry, I don’t know. I’ll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away]
Dwight: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Dwight: Speaking of which… [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight’s formal apology]
Michael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man… Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.
Kelly: A vacation.
Michael: What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c’mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You’ve seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody’s laughing, and everybody’s hugging each other…
Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Michael: Si senor.
Oscar: That’s offensive.
Michael: It’s not! It’s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, or I’m a womanizer… fair game. Whatever. I don’t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.
Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter.
Dwight: That was the last signature I needed.
Michael: Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you’re here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and… ah… whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok… lower the mic for the midget.
Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here’s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]
Group: Michael Scott! [laughter]
Michael: Hey Hey, I don’t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!
Michael: You’re so lucky! Good one… [clapping]
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
Michael: Pow pow pow… [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping]
Michael: I know where this is goin’.
Jim: Do ya?
Jim: Ok. Remember Spider face?
Jim: OK. ‘Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael: Spite her – ok [laughter]
Jim: Yeah… yep.
Michael: Oh, stop it Dwight.
Dwight: Michael is your superior.
Michael: No no no no no no!
Dwight: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.
Michael: Dwight your’e supposed to do it this way.
Dwight: Ok, no, they don’t understand who they have…
Michael: That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot.
Dwight: You’re interrupting me. I’m trying to get your back.
Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot?
Dwight: Don’t you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing]
Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]
Michael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.
Michael: We are, we are a family.
Darryl: Ok, so um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there.
Michael: Oh very funny.
Darryl: What’s his name?
Michael: Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy?
Darryl: Roy left years ago. What’s his name?
Michael: I don’t believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael: Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic…
Darryl: What’s his name?
Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again]
Michael: Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn’t tiny, its average, so… get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um… [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um… [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum]
Oscar: Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Kevin: I’m almost done.
Oscar: That reeks, and I’m trying to eat.
Dwight: Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim: Yep. You’re being replaced.
Pam: I think he meant personal day.
Dwight: Oh, that’s quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis: I hope he’s ok, I feel bad.
Creed: Give it up, he’s dead.
Jim: He just sent a text…
Creed: What’s a text?
Phyllis: Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box]
Dwight: [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it.
Sam: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don’t care how much time we have left. I don’t care what my friends say! And I don’t care what your mom thinks! Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy’s crying, “I’m All Out of Love” starts playing] Lilly. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up. Lilly… Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Andy: [through tears] Sam! Sam!
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he’s never felt that with my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You ok?
Pam: Yeah. [they hug]
Dwight: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Jim: Are you alright?
Oscar: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement]
Michael: I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Michael: Well I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you’re teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where’s Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are… [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you’re gay.
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation]