Written by Steve Carell
Directed by Paul Feig
Original Air Date: November 8th, 2007
Meredith: I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen.
Toby: Oh, it wasn’t camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in]
Toby: Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come.
Phyllis: Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs]
Toby: Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s’mores, that I finally had to say, “No more s’mores, no more s’mores.” [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room]
Michael: [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Toby: Michael wasn’t invited.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely, yes.
Michael: Oh, you wanna go today?
Michael: How often can you actually donate blood?
Jim: Is there a limit?
Michael: Your body only has a certain amount.
Jim: Well, is that it? Or?
Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.
Jim: How so?
Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s’mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]
Jim: What’s that?
Michael: Hello, I’m Broken Mountain. You know, here’s the thing. That’s not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself—
Michael: In the wilderness. It’s not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It’s one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
Jim: Not gonna change.
Michael: I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
Jim: I thought we had that looked at.
Michael: I’m sick of it Jim. I’m sick of this place.
Dwight: [winks] I’m on it. [leaves room]
Michael: OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what…
Dwight: Let’s see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael’s desk]
Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.
Pam: Do you want me to ask where you’re going?
Michael: Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Michael: Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
Jim: Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Michael: Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Jim: OK, great.
Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.
Michael: When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
Jim: That’d be great.
Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.
Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead.
Dwight: First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.
Dwight: And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
Michael: You… you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK.
Dwight: What are you doing?
Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can’t retrace my steps. I don’t know what streets we’ve been— [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?
Dwight: It would be better if you were unconscious.
Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Dwight: Do you want to do this right or not?
Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
Jim: Oh, wasn’t it just someone’s birthday?
Angela: Yes. Kelly’s was last week, remember?
Jim: I do remember, yeah.
Angela: It’s birthday month. Creed’s is today. Oscar’s is week after next. Meredith’s is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers…
Jim: You know what, I have an idea. Why don’t we just do one big shared party?
Kelly: Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding]
Oscar: Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs]
Phyllis: Oh! [Michael laughs]
Angela: I don’t like it. [Angela leaves]
Pam: Wow! You’re shaking things up a bit, huh?
Jim: It’s a pretty good idea, don’t you think?
Pam: Do you think it’s a good idea?
Jim: No… I think it’s a great idea.
Pam: [smiles] Hmm.
Michael: Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out.
Dwight: [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow]
Jim: Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way?
Oscar: [picks up and reads memo] “Let’s be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let’s celebrate birthday month in style today.” This is really cool.
Jim: Right? I was just thinking…
Oscar: No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Jim: Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes]
Michael: What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just —
Dwight: I’m just —
Dwight: Spin. I’m trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael’s blindfold off] Behold.
Michael: Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight: Here’s your knife. Here’s your duct tape.
Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]
Dwight: Good luck, Michael.
Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]
Jim: What’s that?
Meredith: I really prefer devils food cake.
Jim: Oh, sure.
Jim: OK. [Meredith leaves]
Pam: Wow! That was easy.
Jim: Yeah, people like me I guess.
Creed: [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim.
Jim: Well I think Meredith was just —
Creed: Screw Meredith, I don’t think it’s fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Jim: Everybody’s birthday.
Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim: What do you want?
Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim: You want a birthday pie?
Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim: Well, I’m gonna to talk to Angela and we’re gonna see what we can do about a pie.
Creed: I don’t care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
Jim: It will be Angela.
Creed: You tell her it’s for Creed. She’ll know what that means.
Andy: Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Not your birthday.
Andy: Well, I’m just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale.
Jim: Alright, I’ll look into it, but the answer’s no.
Andy: Wow, OK, harsh. Just don’t expect me to show up.
Jim: Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Andy: Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk]
Jim: Alright. [Andy rolls back]
Andy: Pizza rolls.
Jim: OK, I’m gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael’s office] to do some work. So I will be in here.
Andy: Mushroom caps.
Kevin: Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.
Oscar: Why don’t you just have an apple?
Stanley: Why don’t you mind your business?
Creed: Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn’t care.
Oscar: Probably went to his head.
Creed: Yeah. [Jim enters room]
Oscar: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey guys, what’re we talking about?
Creed: Nothing! Nothing going on. We’re talking about nothing. C’mon gang.
Toby: Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea.
Jim: Oh, thanks man.
Jim: Is there anything —
Toby: My birthday was two months ago.
Jim: Oh, OK.
Toby: There was no party.
Toby: Well, it… there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Jim: I remember that.
Toby: I don’t know, I just thought you could include me.
Toby: I just though you could add me. I don’t see the harm in that.
Angela: No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can’t just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps.
Toby: I’m allergic to mushrooms.
Jim: That’s a bummer. OK, then we need to…[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? ‘Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Pam: [raises hand] Conference room?
Jim: Yes, conference room in five minutes… No. No. We’re gonna solve it right here. We’re actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn’t do it.
Angela: What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?’
Kevin: Oh, I’ll take ’em.
Creed: Well nobody’s touching my cobbler.
Phyllis: [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Dwight: Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael’s mouth]
Michael: Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want — OK, alright. Yeah, don’t do that. You’re gonna break something.
Michael: What up?
Jim: Sure glad you’re back.
Michael: You are relieved.
Jim: You have no idea.
Michael: So what did I miss?
Jim: Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Jim: So, terrible idea.
Michael: Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
Jim: You did do it?
Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you’ll figure it out.
Jim: Well, I don’t think I’ll be here in ten years.
Michael: That’s what I said. That’s what she said.
Jim: That’s what who said?
Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Jim: That’s what she said.
Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.
Pam: Oh, it’s Creed’s birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?
Michael: Pam, are you my friend?
Pam: Oh, no.
Michael: We have been friends forever, right?
Pam: Yes, I have been working with you forever.
Michael: Hypothetically… would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.
Pam: I don’t think so.
Pam: I do.
Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?
Michael: Thank you for your honesty.
Pam: You’re welcome. Open or closed?
Michael: Split the difference. Hey… mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?
Michael: Can you send Dwight in here?
Pam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in]
Dwight: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael’s desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?
Dwight: I’m on it.
Jim: How much time do I have?
Dwight: Jim, Michael’s office.
Pam: Couple minutes, give or take.
Dwight: Now, Jim!
Dwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.
Michael: All right, Dexter, just give me the knife.
Dwight: Don’t you want a sheath for that?
Michael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right.
Dwight: Anything else? Flint…
Michael: MmMmm. All I need…
Michael: No, Dwight!
Dwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp…
Michael: I’m telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.
Michael: [holding up knife] What is this called again?