Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Joss Whedon
Original Air Date: November 1st, 2007
Rolando: Karen? He’s on line one.
Karen: Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How’s Scranton?
Dwight: He looks like your twin.
Michael: This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
Dwight: I will know.
Michael: But, you will not tell anyone.
Dwight: I won’t need to because we’ll be together playing hooky. Yeah.
Michael: Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We’re going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Stanley: I don’t understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here.
Michael: Just go out, and come back in.
Stanley: I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I’m going to take it.
Michael: No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Jim: Oh, I don’t think that is what’s happening.
Michael: Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it’s because of my sales record.
Michael: That could not possibly be it.
Michael: Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so… Tell me why you’re really leaving.
Michael: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-
Michael: Pssh, kay.
Oscar: To be Edwardian. His best work.
Pam: Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don’t forget the flatware.
Oscar: Sure thing Pam, can’t wait.
Pam: Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Pam: Some people.
Michael: Fillipellers, how’s it hanging?
Michael: To the left?
Karen: Listen, I-
Michael: To the right?
Michael: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Karen: You called me.
Michael: Yes, listen, um… You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
Karen: I’m pretty sure his family’s coming with him.
Michael: No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I’m going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen: Toby’s not a salesperson.
Michael: You can train him. He’s very very smart, and funny, and charming… You know, I can’t do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um… Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I’m going to poach one of yours.
Karen: Oooh. Good-bye Michael.
Michael: Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up]
Michael: Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
Ben: Hi Michael.
Michael: I’m going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I’m a genie in a bottle, and I’m going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
Ben: Aren’t you the guy that hit the woman with your car?
Michael: [to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that’s not as grabby.
Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn’t everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?
Michael: No, I fired them, and your next. … So what do you say?
Michael: Jim, we’re getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
Jim: So what are you going to do?
Michael: What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that’s what we’re going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples.
Jim: Did they?
Michael: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we’re going to crush this sale. We’re going to prove, what the hell is that music?
Pam: It’s Vivaldi, for Finer Things.
Michael: That’s the problem, that’s the problem. We need rock n’ roll Pam, rock n’ roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh… My… God, that’s why people are leaving. I- I have no words.
Michael: What? What? We did?
Dwight and Michael: Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael: Look at his face! Look at his face!
Jim: What are we doing?
Dwight: Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah.
Michael: What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
Dwight: Well, gee, Jim, I don’t know, I guess there’s no sales call today.
Michael: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we’re doing.
Jim: We’re going to Utica?
Jim: I’m not going to Utica right now.
Michael: Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim.
Michael: We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
Michael and Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!
Michael: In your face
Jim: I can’t believe you guys. I’m not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.
Michael: Are you calling Karen?
Jim: No, I’m not calling Karen.
Dwight: He’s lying.
Michael: Yep, get it.
Jim: What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!
Dwight: [throws Jim’s cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha!
Jim: Are you kidding me?
Dwight: No communication with the outside world Jim.
Michael: It had to be done, it had to be done.
Jim: Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother’s new baby on it, so…
Dwight: Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot.
Michael: Hey Dwight, he found it.
Jim: You know what? I’m just going to call a cab from here.
Michael: Alright, you’re going to miss the best prank ever.
Jim: Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?
Michael: Do you really wanna know?
Jim: Oh, God. [hangs up phone]
Michael: Follow me, come here. Here’s what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight: Or real bombs.
Michael: No, no, not real bombs.
Dwight: Yeah, come on, it will be so badass.
Michael: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don’t know.
Michael: It could be badass. Yeah, it will.
Jim: No, no absolutely we are not doing this.
Dwight: Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it’s going to be so badass.
Jim: Are you kidding me? We’ve been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?
Michael: Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
Michael: I can’t imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is…
Jim: Okay, you know what?
Jim: Why don’t we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?
Michael: Okay, I will start. Um, “A.” [singing] “A” my name is Alan, and my wife’s name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell… Damn it! What do we sell? Um…
Jim: It doesn’t matter.
Michael: I’m trying to think of what we could sell.
Jim: Doesn’t matter.
Michael: Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound… The air-conditioning leaking or something?
Jim: That doesn’t make sense, couldn’t be.
Michael: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight: I’m peeing in this empty can.
Jim: Oh my God!
Michael: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!
Dwight: Well you said that we couldn’t make anymore stops, and I really had to go.
Jim: Michael, watch the road!
Dwight: Hey, you’re making me spray!
Michael: I’ll kill you man!
Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over!
Michael: That is just so disgusting!
Jim: Pull over, pull over!
Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid!
Toby: I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic.
Pam: And spend time with George Emerson. That’s what I would do. I mean it’s the best male protagonist we’ve read, right?
Andy: [joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Andy: Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin’ delicious Pam.
Pam: Uh, I’m sorry Andy, but this is a closed club.
Toby: Alright, just know that you’re not in the Finer Things Club.
Andy: Why can’t I be in the club?
Dwight: Believe it.
Michael: Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Jim: No, Michael. I’m not leaving the car.
Michael: Yeah, Dwight, here’s how it’s going to go down. You and I-
Jim: Guy’s going by. Shh.
Michael: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
Dwight: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk.
Jim: No, no, you won’t do that. Nope.
Dwight: Then I’ll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?
Dwight: Okay, Jim.
Jim: Oh my God, that’s her! That’s her, go, go, go.
Dwight: Let’s move! Move, move, move, move!
Jim: Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we’ve ever done.
Kevin: Damn it!
Pam: It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh…
Kevin: Damn it! [banging machine]
Pam: Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer.
Oscar: Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background]
Pam: Very brave choice also, I thought.
Oscar: And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um… What are you microwaving!?
Pam: Why don’t you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.
Stanley: Yep, looks that way.
Andy: I’m gonna miss you man, you’ve been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.
Dwight: [from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs.
Dwight: I’m breathing heavily.
Jim: Okay, you know what? You don’t need to be updating me as much as you’re updating me.
Michael: There’s a guy, there’s a guy.
Dwight: There’s a security guard coming by. Hello, we’re warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
Michael: Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
Dwight: I can see the security guard’s eyes.
Jim: No, no, don’t do anything to them.
Dwight: I have to do something to his eyes.
Michael: We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim: Isn’t that thing huge?
Michael: It’s enormous, but it’s got wheels. We’re wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim: No, that is a terrible idea, don’t do this.
Michael: Aha! [crashing]
Dwight: My hip bone!
Michael: We’re wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us.
Dwight: Don’t leave us!
Michael: Save yourself!
Dwight: Don’t leave us, help us, we need help Jim!
Jim: Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-
Michael: Dwight, you gotta move!
Jim: Damn it guys!
Michael: Dwight, could you move over a little bit.
Dwight: I’m losing control of my bladder.
Jim: Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!
Dwight: Did you say Karen?
Michael: Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.
Jim: No, I’m not doing that.
Michael: Just say you wanna get back together.
Jim: No, I’m not doing that!
Michael: It doesn’t have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.
Jim: Hey Karen.
Jim: First of all, hi.
Karen: What are you doing here?
Jim: You good? I’m just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so…
Dwight: Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.
Jim: Copy that.
Dwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I’m taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: [whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley’s head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave]
Karen: Jim, hang on a second?
Karen: So you’re still doing this kind of stuff, huh?
Jim: Yeah, trying to quit though.
Karen: If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult.
Jim: Oh no, I didn’t want to see you. Not that I’m not happy seeing you, right now, I’m just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I’d say it was equal. So, good to see you…
Jim: I mean, it’s just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn’t want to see… you…
Karen: Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That’s great, that’s so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you.
Jim: [slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I’m going to go because of, um, traffic.
Karen: Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm.
Jim: I… will… [gives up and walks away]
Stanley: Michael? A word?
Michael: Of course.
Stanley: I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job.
Pam: I’m so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility.
Jim: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?
Pam: [nods head yes]
Andy: Oh-oh, come on!
Oscar: Okay, did you get it out of your system.
Jim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read.
Toby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim: No, that wasn’t fun.
Toby: Did you even read it?
Jim: Of course I read it.
Oscar: How does it end?
Toby: Who was the main character?
Jim: Angela. Nope. The ashes.
Pam: [mouths “I’m sorry” to Oscar]
Oscar: Okay, that’s enough, uh. Thanks, Andy.
Andy: Mmmhmm. [leaves]
Toby: He’s gonna ruin everything.
Pam: Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills.
Oscar: Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books.
Toby: I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don’t want it to change.
Jim: Well, you’re driving, right?
Michael: Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you.
Jim: Mmm… I’d prefer to sit in back.
Dwight: Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.
Michael: No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You’re gonna sit in the back left where I don’t have to see your ugly moongob.
Dwight: Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I’m not going.
Michael: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Dwight, you’re handsome. You’re a very handsome man, get in the car.
Jim: Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it.
Pam: Wait, you’re going along with this now?
Jim: I have to. Pam, if I’m not there, someone’s going to go to jail. Or die.
Pam: Right. And, you wouldn’t be able to talk to Karen.
Jim: Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it.
Pam: A little bit.
Jim: Well, yeah I don’t want to see her get physically harmed, that’s for sure.
Pam: Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much?
Jim: All right, I’m gonna go now.
Pam: Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!
Jim: Okay, I will. [idiot voice]
Dwight: [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray]
Michael: Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I’m being crushed.
Dwight: Pam is down for anything.
Jim: You embarrassed me.
Michael: You embarrassed us.
Dwight: Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.