Written by B. J. Novak
Directed by Jason Reitman
Original Air Date: October 25, 2007
Phyllis: Dancing babies!
Michael: Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
Jim: Nobody tell him!
Andy: What? No, why?
Jim: You got it, you’re so close!
Andy: [singing] Break me off a piece of that… huh huh huh… br- applesauce.
Jim: Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don’t think…
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car.
Jim: Nope.
Andy: Football cream. Grr!
Michael: Okay, it’s football cream. It’s football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Pam: I’m taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo.
Michael: Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.
Ad guy 1: Hey, how ya doin’?
Michael: Michael Scott.
Ad guy 2: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Regional manager.
Ad guy 2: Hey Michael, nice to meet you
Michael: Excited to talk ideas.
Ad guy 1: Let’s do it, man.
Michael: You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
Ad guy 1: That sounds great.
Michael: I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The ‘Nard Dog. Who let the ‘Nard Dog out?
Andy: Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!
Michael: He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Andy: It’s true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got ‘Nard dogged!
Michael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?
Michael: Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
Michael: These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Kevin: [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear!
Michael: Who else?
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn’t have points or scores, it doesn’t have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh it has losers.
Ad guy 1: Okay I can tell that your time is valuable—
Michael: Actually I don’t get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so…
Ad guy 1: That all sounds really, really ambitious.
Michael: Yeah, I know.
Ad guy 1: Why don’t we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?
Michael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]
Michael: That’s what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa.
Ad guy 1: That’s what we came up with.
Michael: Well we can do better than that.
Ad guy 2: Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually.
Ad guy 1: Yeah, it’s the last five seconds where we have some leeway.
Michael: The waving?
Ad guy 1: Well, no, no. You don’t have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative.
Dwight: We cannot talk about this… because, someone might hear us.
Andy: We’ll use code names.
Dwight: Angela can stay the same, but we’ll change Andy to Dwight.
Andy: That’s not different enough.
Dwight: Dwike?
Ryan: Hello?
Michael: [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I’m a donkey! I’m a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I’m just kidding. It’s me. Hello Ry.
Ryan: What?
Michael: Okay, calm down. I have a small problem.
Ryan: I told you not to call about small problems.
Michael: Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don’t like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
Ryan: That’s good. They’re creative, you’re not.
Michael: I’m creative, Ryan.
Ryan: It’s not part of your job, it’s like, maybe you can cook but it doesn’t mean you should start a restaurant.
Michael: Well actually I can’t cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike’s Cereal Shack. I’m thinking we’ll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Ryan: Okay, I’m not really interested in that right now. I’m delegating creativity to creative professionals. It’s a different skills set. Look, I wasn’t good at sales, right?
Michael: Yeah!
Ryan: But I’m good at managing people who do sales .
Michael: Are you? I don’t think you’re doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.
Ad guy 2: Okay, when should we come back?
Michael: How about never hundred hours, sir.
Ad guy 2: We were sent here to help out.
Ad guy 1: Okay I’m not going to argue with this guy. Let’s go. Good luck dude.
Michael: Hey thanks. Thank you.
Michael: Yeah, I’m glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
Ryan: I’m on Michael.
Michael: What’s up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it’s ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we’ll do it on my dime.
David Wallace: This is weird.
Michael: I’m willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
David Wallace: Okay, I’ll see it tomorrow.
Michael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Well they’re wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically?
Michael: Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Phyllis: Okay.
Andy: Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?
Creed: She’s crazy hot.
Andy: Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she’s Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?
Angela: That’s not happening.
Michael: Line it up Phyllis.
Creed: Get her Phyll.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
Michael: Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought… I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Darryl: What’s rap?
Michael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I’ll make you a mix.
Darryl: Great.
Pam: No talk, I’m animating.
Jim: Why don’t we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what’s going on here. [pulls up Dwight’s game] Okay, this is Dwight’s Second Life. He’s on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It’s called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.
Pam: Are you serious?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: Oh my God, he’s really in pain.
Jim: [sighs]
Pam: Who’s that?
Jim: Oh, it’s just my avatar guy. Whatever.
Pam: He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?
Jim: Not much, it’s just for tracking Dwight so—
Pam: Right… you’re a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too.
Jim: Yep.
Pam: You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar.
Jim: I… why don’t we go back to this animation.
Pam: No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim.
Jim: Ah, show me how this works.
Pam: Oh boy.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
Darryl: Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
Michael: Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
Darryl: You’re right, it’s better than you! It’s us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin.
Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
Michael: No, I hate it! I hate it! …I don’t hate it, I just don’t like it at all. And it’s terrible.
Darryl: You’re on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]
Michael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
Darryl: You just said you hated it.
Michael: No. I said I hate the, the style.
Michael: Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy: Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon.
Michael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don’t get this, if we don’t nail it, we’re going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
Phyllis: [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton’s book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn’t supposed to take no for an answer.
Michael: That’a girl.
Phyllis: So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends.
Michael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?
Phyllis: [sobbing] No.
Michael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]
Pam: Maybe, but it’s not good enough for me yet.
Jim: Okay. Do you want me to stay?
Pam: No no, you can go home. I’m good.
Meredith: You comin’?
Jim: I, ah…
Meredith: Piss or get off the pot!
Jim: Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I’m sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: You’re welcome.
Dwight: Andy, I can’t hear this right now.
Andy: No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven’t really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We’re makin’ out, I’m kissin’ her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she’s not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she’s like, “Oh D, oh D.”
Dwight: She called you D?
Andy: Yeah. D for Andy.
Dwight: Oh D.
Andy: Oh D.
Dwight: [whispers] Oh D.
Andy: Oh D!
Both: Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D!
Pam: [on phone] Yes?
Michael: Pam, please clear my phone lines.
Pam: Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear.
Michael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God…I better call.
Bartender: Hey it seemed like a big hit.
Michael: No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It’s not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real.
Jim: Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam]
Bartender: Really?
Jim: I just thought you should—
Bartender: The animation was cool.
Pam: Thanks.
Bartender: Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?
Jim: Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam]
Michael: That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!
Toby: Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it’ll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael]
Michael: There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad.
Toby: I spent three years in advertising before I came here.
Michael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that’s them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: About dressing your best today?
Pam: Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos.
Michael: Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it.
Pam: Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]
Michael: Okay, good. Good.
Ad guy 1: Sure.
Ad guy 2: Right.
Michael: And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim’s desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don’t you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean.
Jim: Okay.
Michael: So do, um, do sad, do the sad face.
Jim: I don’t want –
Michael: No, that’s skeptical. Do sad.
Jim: Mmm…
Michael: That’s, that’s a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That’s annoyed. Well, he doesn’t do very well under pressure.
Ad guy 1: [shakes head] Yeah… no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men]
Michael: And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let’s get this movin’. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]
Jim: All right! [sitting down behind Michael’s desk] I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing, but…
Michael: You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free.
Jim: Yup.
Michael: Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate…
Jim: Right.
Michael: …and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.
Jim: Mmmhmm. Why don’t you start by telling me what you got.
Michael: We start on a single blank sheet of paper.
Jim: Love it.
Michael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.
Jim: Mm, can’t do that.
Michael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman’s womb.
Jim: Definitely can’t do that.
Michael: Bull[censored] man!
Jim: You know what?
Michael: This is bull[censored]!
Jim: Okay, Scott, why don’t you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial.
Michael: Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk]
Jim: I’m just doing my job, man.
Michael: If you don’t let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!
Jim: Good! Fine! I’ve got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee… [dialing phone]
Michael: No! No! Jim, Jim, don’t, don’t…
Jim: What? What?
Michael: No, I can do it.
Jim: What?
Michael: I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don’t. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it.
Jim: Okay, make a commercial.
Michael: [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?
Jim: Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]
Everyone: [applause]
Michael: I can’t hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be…
Dwight: We had already applauded.
Michael: Okay, okay. Who could do music?
Pam: How about Darryl?
Michael: Actually, I’m a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a… celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano.