Written by Paul Lieberstein & Michael Schur
Directed by Ken Kwapis
David: [confused] Oh, Michael?
Michael: Are we all set?
David: Isn’t our interview tomorrow?
Michael: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I’d drop in and say hello.
David: You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?
Michael: Thought I’d catch a show.
David: In the middle of a work day?
Michael: Naaah. You know what? Since I’m here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.
Michael: Um, how many people are you interviewing?
David: We’re only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.
Michael: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?
David: I don’t think so.
Michael: Great. One more… question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
David: I believe we put you in charge.
Michael: Ah, great. No further questions.
David: Okay, Michael.
David: I’m really looking forward to our interview.
Michael: And I’m really looking forward to working with you.
Jim: Hey, Kev.
Kevin: What’s different about you? You look worse.
Jim: Thank you.
Meredith: You got a haircut. It’s sexy, hot.
Meredith: Turn around.
Jim: No way.
Meredith: Do it!
Andy: Blup-dup-do. What’s up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim: [exhales loudly] Andy…
Andy: What is it, Big Haircut?
Andy: Sorry, I can’t hear you Big Haircut.
Jim: Thanks, Pam.
Dwight: You wanted to see me?
Michael: Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: But that’s my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don’t screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you.
Michael: Okay. Uh…
Dwight: [cries harder] Thank you, Michael.
Michael: Uh, okay.
Dwight: [sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much.
Michael: Stop crying.
Dwight: [sobbing] Thank you.
Pam: Um, about the beach…
Karen: It’s okay, we all say things without thinking.
Pam: Oh, no it’s not that, I’ve actually been thinking that for a long time, and I’m glad I said it. I just… I’m sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen: [confused] Oh. Okay.
Jim: Ahhh… just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let’s do it.
Michael: Why so you can do it?
Karen: [looks annoyed]
Michael: No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger…
Michael: Moon each other.
Jim: Ah, we’re gonna go tonight, but we’re gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael: All right.
Jim: All right.
Michael: Your loss.
Karen: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael: Cruise control.
Jim: Yeah, I’m not going to talk about this now.
Kevin: Pam is taller.
Jim: You sure?
Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Kevin: I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim: Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else?
Kevin: Well I mean Pam’s face is really pretty too. It’s a very tough call.
Jim: Hm. Really tough call.
Jim: You know what? Why don’t you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got.
Kevin: Will do.
Jim: All right. [smiles]
Pam: Wow, very funny.
Stanley: I’ve never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam.
Meredith: You know what? Don’t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Kevin: Do you think it’s gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?
Michael: No. Not at all. I haven’t talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me.
Oscar: Maybe you should talk to her? Before…
Michael: No, no, no. You know what? It’s a done deal. I basically have the job already. There’s nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.
Oscar: I’m sorry, that just doesn’t make sense.
Michael: Yes, I…
Angela: Wha? Who gave you that advice?
Kevin: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo…
Michael: I have to buy another place.
Angela: But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]
Oscar: You’re not sure that you have the job.
Michael: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.
Angela: No Dwight, I don’t care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight: No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I’m taking his job.
Angela: [smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.
Jim: Oh hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It’s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You’re not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I’m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Dwight: Yes you will.
Pam: He’s from that company in Pitts…
Jan: [walks through front door] Michael.
Michael: Why… are you here?
Jan: Uh, how are you?
Michael: I’m good. How are you, Janet? It’s good to see you.
Jan: I’m great. Uh, can we, can we talk… privately… for a minute?
Michael: Why privately?
Jan: I just, [quietly] I uh… I don’t uh… I, I don’t, I don’t like the way that we left things.
Michael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don’t you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.
Pam: What do you want me to do?
Michael: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam: What about Meredith?
Michael: No. She’s an alternate.
Jan: Been good.
Jan: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail.
Michael: Weird. Yeah, I didn’t get both of your messages.
Karen: ‘Cause of Jan again?
Karen: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim’s and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?
Pam: Uh, sure.
Pam: I really hope you get the job.
Karen: Thanks. [looks suspicious]
Jan: To kinda clear my mind.
Michael: Sound good. Sounds fun.
Jan: It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I’ll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time.
Jan: I’ve made some big changes in my life and… I miss you. I want us to get back together.
Michael: Would you excuse me for a second?
Jan: Ohh… [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]
Phyllis: What are you gonna do?
Michael: I don’t know, that’s why you’re here, help me. Please…
Karen: Do you want to get back together with her?
Michael: No, no. What do I do?
Pam: Just don’t get back together with her.
Michael: What if she makes me?
Angela: How can she make you get back together with her?
Michael: She made me do a lot of things I didn’t wanna do.
Pam: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.
Michael: I wasn’t.
Pam: You’re so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.
Michael: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m gonna go in there and tell her that we can’t be together.
Karen: Do it.
Michael: I’m in a very good place right now. Thank you.
Jim: Yeah, bigger actually.
Pam: [whispers] That’s crazy!
Pam: [mouths] Wow!
Karen: [moves to block Jim from Pam’s eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?
Jim: She could put the cup right there.
Karen: I know!
Jan: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.
Michael: First got priorities.
Jan: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation…
Michael: Let’s get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]
Andy: Saving the best for first!
Karen: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!
Dwight: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.
Oscar: Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]
Dwight: What did I say!?
Pam: [to Jim] Good luck.
Andy: White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy: You make a chair, but you don’t sit on it.
Dwight: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don’t wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.
Andy: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight: You’re not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn’t you say?
Andy: Damn it!
Dwight: This interview is over. I’ll let you know.
Jim: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or…
Karen: Oh, you know I’m gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend’s house.
Jim: Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?
Karen: No, I’m sorry I should have been clearer. It’s for me.
Karen: ‘Cause I’m going to get the job.
Michael: Wait, wait. Check one more time.
Jan: Oh, okay.
Michael: Very good [Jan nods]
Jan: Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?
Michael: Yes, indeed.
Jan: Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye.
Pam: What happened?
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan’s was bigger.
Jim: Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?
Karen: How often do you come here?
Jim: Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip.
Karen: I think you’ll really enjoy this, adult Jim.
Karen: That wasn’t him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was]
Jim: Oh do you mean when I get the job?
Karen: Well, if you get the job then I’d move here with you. Would you move with me? I’m not stupid. I was at the beach. We won’t have a future in Scranton. There’s one too many people there.
Jim: You mean Kevin?
Karen: Exactly. But you get it, right? Can’t stay there.
Jim: Yeah, I do. C’mon. [they hold hands and cross street]
Karen: Uh, no, we’re good. Thanks.
Michael: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody’s names. If you need to know somebody’s name, just ask me.
Jim: [points at bearded man] Who’s that?
Michael: That is Beardy.
Jim: I’m gonna introduce myself.
Michael: No, no, no, just… that’s not his real name. That’s just what I call him, so…
Andy: Hail to the chief!
Dwight: My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
Andy: My first order of business: accept.
Dwight: As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael’s World’s Best Boss mug]
Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant.
Michael: Jan in yet?
Hunter: I think she’s comin’ in… later.
Michael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?
Michael: Just say, “I want to squeeze them.” It’s code. She’ll know what it means.
Michael: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the “motorboat” noise] “Brbrbrbrbr!” also?
Pam: Thank you.
Dwight: I had to make Andy my number two. It’s political, complicated, you wouldn’t understand. I want you… to be Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.
Pam: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title… to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam: Okay. So… you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Mmmmmm, let’s call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight: Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely, I do.
David: Michael, good to see you!
Michael: Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
David: Oh, great. I’ve been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn’t lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael: Why don’t I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually… strengths.
David: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael: Thank you.
David: Very good.
Oscar: Oh, Michael’s not going anywhere.
Pam: Then who do you think will get the job?
Kevin: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Phyllis: I think it’s gonna be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he’s qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn’t qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.
Oscar: [laughs] Mm. Yeah.
Pam: [raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Dwight: Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.
Oscar: So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
Dwight: Just… zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group’s time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Dwight: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Kevin: [raises hand] Do we have to?
Dwight: Yes! Michael is gone. There’s a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is “me.” Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!
Michael: I’ve never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, “Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We’re GRRRRRRRRRREAT!” I don’t know, could be good. Or, uh, “Super Duper Paper. It’s super duper.” I don’t know, something like that.
David: Thanks for comin’ in, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
David: It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Michael: It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn’t already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So… I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
David: You’re back together.
Michael: Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her… or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that’s not sexual, just… we’re all professionals.
David: Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position… the job you’re applying for… is Jan’s job.
Michael: I don’t understand. So, we’re gonna tag team it?
David: No, we’re letting Jan go.
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Trees.
Dwight: Trees! And where do trees grow?
Kevin: [at the same time as Dwight] Forest.
Dwight: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say… is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head “no”] Wrong! It’s nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous… state?
Dwight: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley: I don’t want it.
Dwight: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Stanley: Make it 100.
Dwight: We— Don’t you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Andy: That’s it!
Andy: Class is canceled, everybody out!
Dwight: No wait, what are you doing?!
Andy: I’m punishing them.
Dwight: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Everyone: [grumbling, getting loud]
Pam: HEY! COME ON! Let’s listen to Dwight’s presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]
Oscar: What— What are you winking for?
Dwight: Zip your lid!
David: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but…
David: …what do you think about Michael Scott?
Karen: He’s a very nice man. And he’s very well suited for the job he has now.
David: This is off the record.
Karen: He would be disaster.
Jan: How was your interview?
Michael: Pretty good.
Michael: Could have gone better I guess.
Jan: Oh. [they kiss] I’ll put in a good word for you.
Michael: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Michael: Daaah, let’s just run away together. Let’s just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would… be fine. We’d have fun.
Jan: What’s… what’s the matter? What… what happened in there?
Michael: I can’t tell you.
Jan: Tell me what?
David: Jan, this isn’t the time, we’re in an interview—
Jan: You’re firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David: Frankly, it’s overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
David: Recently, you don’t even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you’re visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to—
Jan: [opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these?
Michael: Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan—
Jan: No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!
David: It’s not.
David: It’s not.
Jan: ‘Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.
David: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael: Hey! You’re unstable!
Michael: No— We’re all unstable.
Jan: Okay, you know what? I’m just not leaving. I’m not leaving. Not leaving.
Michael: David, I did not tell her.
Dwight: It’s like outerspace without the stars, it’s so black. [laughs]
Andy: This is gonna look so awesome!
Dwight: It’s so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here… is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!
Andy: [laughs] Totally!
Jan: Good luck with your band.
Hunter: Oh, thank—
Jan: Don’t let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored].
Michael: So, I am gonna… give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.
David: Actually, Michael, I think we’re gonna take it in another direction.
Michael: Good, I’m glad we’re on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
David: No, we’re not giving you the job.
Michael: You know what? That… is actually good… because, um, I don’t think I could take… my girlfriend’s job. That’s not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?
David: I do.
Michael: Good. Very good. I’m glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.
Michael: Good. That’s all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them… excellent candidates.
Jim: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.
Karen: Don’t! She’s nuts! [they laugh]
Jim: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don’t have to stay, if you don’t want.
Karen: Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so…
Karen: Just call me when you’re done.
Karen: Good luck, Halpert.
Jim: Thank you.
Receptionist: [phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure.
Michael: I know. I know, I’m sorry about that. That was terrible.
Jan: Oh, just… No, actually I think it’s good, you know? It’s fine, actually, I do. I really think it’s great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so… [laughs]
Michael: Well, it’s… [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don’t cry, it’s gonna be OK.
Jan: [sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It’s just… I’m sorry. It’s just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?
Michael: [whispers] I don’t know. [normal volume] Well I guess… you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
Jan: Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really!
Pam: How’d it go?
Michael: No. No, Pam. I’m baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon.
Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael: That’s stupid.
Dwight: It was Andy’s idea.
Michael: You shouldn’t have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I’m baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee.
Ryan: I don’t do that stuff anymore.
Michael: No, it’s for me, bimbo. Kids.
Pam: Did… Karen get the job?
Michael: [to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin’ on that coffee.
Pam: Dwight, hello.
Dwight: I wanted to thank you… for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute]
Jim: I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh]
David: Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You’re clearly a very bright guy.
David: Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet—
Jim: I’m sorry, wait, so is the question “How’d I get to be so awesome?” [laughs] Because, I don’t have an answer for you. [laughs]
David: Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?
Jim: Yes, absolutely.
David: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out…
Jim: Oh, no, absolutely.
David: …that’s a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he’s probably the only person you’re not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads “Jim, Don’t forget us when you’re famous! Pam” It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up…
Jim: [hands David his papers] There you go.
David: How do you think you function here in New York?
Jim: [not thinking clearly because of Pam’s note] What’s that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there’s just a [sic] energy… New York has, uh… Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that’s a… bonus.
David: You’ve been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam’s note] What have you liked most about that place?
Jim: [thinks] The friendships.
David: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So… long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Pam: Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh]
Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford… was because… I wanted to be… not here.
Pam: I know.
Jim: And even though… I came back, I just, I feel like I’ve never really… come back.
Pam: Well, I wish you would.
Jim: Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Jim: All right. Then… it’s a date.
Pam: [to camera, tearing up, smiling] I’m sorry, what was the question?
Ryan: [on phone, smiling] I’m excited too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: [still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done.
Kelly: What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera]
Michael: Well, [clears throat] I’ve actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it’s the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.
David: A… multivitamin?
Michael: Well, I don’t know what it’s gonna be called, but… my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future… is me.
Michael: Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that… I couldn’t take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is… my home. And home is where the hardest.
Oscar: Home is where the heart is.
Michael: Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they’d help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!
Pam: Mmm-hmm. [nods]
Kelly: But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn’t feel the same way, and then he’ll be gone.
Pam: Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam’s shoulder] Oh.
Kelly: Pam, he’s just not that into you.
Pam: Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me.
Kelly: No, seriously Pam, wake up.
Andy: When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi…
Dwight: Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?
Andy: It is the source of all energy on this planet.
Dwight: Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens.
Andy: Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.
Dwight: Inventor of the cotton gin.
Andy: Eli Edison.
Dwight: Talk me through an appendectomy.
Andy: Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn’t burst and spread toxic…icity everywhere.
Dwight: Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] …the wound.
Andy: Re-suture. Sutures, yes.
Dwight: When is the Paleolithic Age?
Andy: 17 B.C.
Dwight: What is a scented candle?