Written by Justin Spitzer & Brent Forrester
Directed by Randall Einhorn
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: Well that’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought—
Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not— What is going on— What are you doing?!
Jim: … MICHAEL!
Dwight: Oh, that’s funny. MICHAEL!
Jim: [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn’t be more sorry about this.
Phyllis: [on phone] I know, I know. We’re all trying to get to the bottom of this.
Stanley: [on phone] I am upset. Don’t I sound upset?
Michael: [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we’re going to recalling all of that paper.
Michael: Crisis Management Squad.
Ryan: F and C, doubletime?
Michael: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael: To save time, Jim.
Karen: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Michael: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Michael: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Oscar: That’s really not our job.
Michael: Midnight, Oscar! Don’t worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Angela: Kelly’s training us?
Jim: Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
Michael: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
Jim: All right.
Michael: I want you to bring a partner.
Ryan: I’ll go.
Michael: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who’s actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
Andy: [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I’m definitely gonna go alone.
Michael: No, no. I need two men on this. That’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight: Yes! You are entering the “No Spin Zone!”
Pam: We’re having a press conference?
Michael: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Dwight: Not! [scoffs]
Jim: Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Michael: Here is your headline. “Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done.” Okay? Battle stations everybody, let’s go, go, go, go, go, go!
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say “Customer Service, this is Kelly!” Except don’t say “Kelly,” say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin: Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate?
Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely!
Kevin: [in accent] ‘ello, mate!
Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Jim: What’s that?
Andy: Hand me that water. I always say “Beer me.” Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how’s what’s-her-name?
Jim: You know her name.
Andy: Who, Karen? Yeah, she’s only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How’s the apartment hangin’?
Jim: It’s fine.
Andy: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
Jim: What about music? Do you have any music?
Andy: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa–
Jim: I was thinkin’ about more like a CD, or… a CD.
Andy: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.
Jim: Did that really need to be said?
Andy: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it’s just about the music of the conversation.
Jim: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Andy: No, she’s a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Jim: Which one… is she?
Andy: The one in the green hoodie.
Andy: I wonder if she’s, like, a… a guidance counselor, or something?
Jim: No, I don’t think so.
Andy: She’s like, probably a tutor.
Andy: She probably a t–
Dwight: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.
Chad Lite: Hi, uh—
Dwight: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, “Lighter Side of Life.”
Dwight: And “Breaking Corporate News.”
Chad Lite: And obits.
Dwight: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You’ve been granted level three security clearance.
Chad Lite: Oh…
Dwight: Don’t get too excited, that’s out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I’d like uh, uh—
Dwight: [shuts door on him] Great.
Jim: Andy— Ohh…
Andy: What are you doing here?
Andy: Are you a student here?
Jamie: Oh… yeah…
Andy: You never told me you were in high-school!
Jamie: This is weird. I… gotta go to Spanish.
Andy: OH MY GOD!
Jim: Oh my God.
Andy: I had no idea.
Jim: Well… that’s not gonna hold up in court.
Andy: Huh… We didn’t do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Oscar: [on phone] Really, Dixon City? …Carbondale.
Angela: [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don’t see how that’s our fault. And I’ve already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don’t know what you want from me. [hangs up]
Kelly: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?
Dwight: Emergency dentist appointment.
Creed: Now I’m told she told her manager she had the flu. I’m a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Barbara: Hello, I’m looking for Michael Scott.
Dwight: [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this.
Michael: So, let us consider this matter ended.
Barbara: Well it isn’t ended. I’m… I’m very angry. I— I could have lost business.
Michael: I know, I know you’re angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Barbara: I don’t accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Michael: Well, we are extremely sorry.
Barbara: I don’t accept.
Jim: All right.
Jim: Not important. Because you’re not dating her. Because it’s a felony.
Andy: But who was that guy?
Jim: Probably another high-school student.
School Official: We teach our students that character counts.
Jim: And you should.
School Official: But—
Andy: [scoffs] Pfft. You don’t teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
Jim: Andy… is having a real rough day today.
Andy: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words—
Jim: “Good luck.”
Andy: That’s not what I had in mind.
Angela: [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That’s nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He’s upset about the watermark.
Kelly: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we’re doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you’re sorry.
Angela: [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We’re fixing it. And you already got your money back…
Kelly: And you’re sorry.
Angela: …and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette’s or something!
Barbara: Well, it— it doesn’t help, because it already happened to me.
Michael: The watermark… it’s a one time thing.
Barbara: I don’t care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Michael: Well… [exhales] OK, well… Um, wasn’t really my fault. The guys at the papermill—
Barbara: You’re the head—
Michael: The guys at the papermill— No no no!
Barbara: You’re the head of the company!
Michael: I’m the head of the company?!
Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility—
Michael: No, I’m a regional manager—
Barbara: And so you should lose your job!
Michael: No— my— OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Michael: That’s insane. We’ll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Dwight: It’s non-transferable…
Michael: Doesn’t matter. Out please!
Barbara: I’m calling the Better Business Bureau.
Michael: Yeah, well I’m calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that?
Chad Lite: Everything.
Pam: It’s just the Scranton Times…
Michael: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then… YouTube gets a hold of it…
Pam: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Michael: You’re right. It will blow over. But it’s not… going to take… a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?
Dwight: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael: That’s how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight: I’m just saying…
Michael: I know.
Dwight: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael: I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael: Do you think you’re taking it a little… literally, Dwight? And now we’re wasting tape. I’m gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Michael: So I’ll know where—
Michael: I’m asking Pam to do it, please.
Michael: OK, ready?
Kevin: [thinks] Eleven.
Angela: Yeah, well you didn’t know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Kevin: Yeah, well at least I didn’t suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
Oscar: [laughs] Yes. [air high five]
Angela: You two are apes.
Oscar: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
Angela: I’m sorry… that you’re both morons.
Kevin: Oh, but you still said “I’m sorry.”
Angela: I called you morons.
Kevin: Still said it.
Oscar: Still said it, so… [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five]
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That’s… they always give an ultimatum.
Michael: Good, cut?
Pam: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Michael: Thought so too.
Andy: I don’t care.
Jim: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you’ll be all right.
Jim: [singing the intro to The Lion King’s “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Andy: You know what— I don’t—
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Andy: [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Andy: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh…
Pam: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight: [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Karen: Hey, Dwight, lookin’ sharp.
Dwight: Yeah, that’s cause I’m… you’re boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you’re my girlfriend?
Jim: Do you?
Karen: I’m good. Thanks.
Jim: [Dwight imitates the “Jim face”] Look at that.
Dwight: I’m Jim Halpert. [more horrible “Jim faces”]
Jim: Spot on.
Dwight: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.
Oscar: We do a lot more than that.
Kelly: Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don’t like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer phone calls.
Kelly: The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you’re sorry. Do that and you’ll be fine. Make sense?
Kelly: Okay, role-playing time!
Angela: Alright, I think I’m trained.
Kevin: Ooh, can I be a pirate?
Chad Lite: Hello.
Chad Lite: Excuse me. You’re Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s.
Creed: I am indeed. How’d you know that?
Chad Lite: I wrote your obituary.
Creed: Oh, oh that’s right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand].
Jim: Oh, my God! Wow.
Andy: I had no idea.
Jim: Then you did nothing wrong. We should go.
Andy: How could I not have realized?
Jim: She looks older.
Andy: Yeah, she does, doesn’t she?
Andy: She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She’s a real Renaissance woman.
Jim: Or a high school girl. Let’s go [mouths ‘wow’ to the camera].
Jim: What’s that?
Andy: That’s what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation.
Jim: Oh. You don’t have to tell me this.
Andy: She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she’s going to.
Jim: You shouldn’t be talking about that.
Andy: I threw in some scratch tickets, ’cause generous guy, and next thing you know we’re making out in the woods.
Jim: Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods.
Andy: No, we were really making out in the woods.
Jim: No, can’t help you now.
Andy: I gotta go talk to her.
Jim: No. D-
Barbara Allen: No, we’re not.
Michael: I’m sorry.
Barbara Allen: Well, okay. But I don’t accept.
Dwight: [whispering] Say you’re sorry times infinity…
Dwight: …’cause there’s no comeback for that.
Michael: All right. We are infinitely sorry.
Barbara Allen: I’m still furious.
Michael: You understand? You… you get this check.
Barbara Allen: Mmm.
Andy: Yeah. I’m Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I’d like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken.
Jamie: Get out of here, Andy.
Andy: Who’s this guy?
Jamie: My boyfriend.
Andy: You’re such a liar.
Spanish Teacher: Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay?
Andy: Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes.
Jim: Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away.
Spanish Teacher: What?
Kelly: Why can’t you just say you’re sorry and make them feel better?
Angela: I’m not gonna lie and say I’m sorry when the company didn’t do anything wrong. That’s immoral, and this is ridiculous.
Oscar: Would you, please? Please.
Kelly: Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you’re old enough to be my mother.
Angela: What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you’re a slut and everyone thinks so.
Kelly: Well, you’re fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela.
Angela: Gladly. I quit.
Andy: Dude, there she is. Don’t look, don’t look. She’s sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me.
Jim: Don’t do it.
Andy: What is your problem, man? Can’t you support a bro? That’s why you don’t have any friends, Tuna. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just, I need…
Jim: That’s okay.
Andy: …your help. I love her.
Andy: Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?
Jim: No, that’s your conscience. Listen to it.
Andy: Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She’s really into White Russians and whippets.
Jamie: Yeah. I only have a minute.
Jim: [sits down next to Denise] So, high school.
Denise: Do you have a cigarette?
Jim: Oh, I don’t smoke. Sorry.
Denise: There’s nothing to do in this town.
Jim: You should take up a musical instrument.
Denise: Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie?
Jim: Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He’s a jerk, right?
Denise: He’s dead. Hey, do you have any weed?
Jim: No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking?
Denise: How old are you?
Jim: How old do you think I am?
Jim: [shakes head]
Denise: Are you someone’s dad here?
Jim: Not that I know of.
Denise: Ew. What kind of car do you have?
Jim: I drive a Saab station wagon.
Denise: My dad just gave me his old Lexus.
Jim: Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy?
Creed: No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She’s a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable.
Dwight: You’re right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down.
Dwight: Final touch-ups.
Michael: Okay. Am I shiny?
Michael: Okay. We good? Okay, that’s enough Aqua Net.
Dwight: I don’t know…
Michael: [clears throat] Stop it.
Angela: Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn’t called you stupid.
Kelly: Do you think I’m a slut?
Angela: No, but some of your outfits are not appr-
Kelly: Apology accepted! [hugs Angela]
Angela: I didn’t apologize.
Kelly: We’re like best friends now!
Angela: We’re not.
Kelly: I’ll text you!
Kelly: Bye, Angela!
Creed: Just doing my job, guys.