Written by B.J. Novak
Directed by Harold Ramis
Pam: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy: Drew. I’m Drew now.
Pam: Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy: Apology not… accepted. Because it wasn’t even necessary in the first place. [laughs]
Jim: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy: Good. Drew.
Jim: What’s that?
Andy: Dr— You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I’m not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can’t control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Andy: Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How’s it goin’ man?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Ok, tell him that’s not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy: You guys…
Dwight: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim: [half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that’s too far.
Dwight: Damn you.
Darryl: Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can, and I have.
Darryl: No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe, you don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, “her” is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Ah, fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Andy: It’s on!
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail’er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin: Five bucks says it’s over 50.
Jim: You really wanna bet?
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Guy: How many?
Jim: Ok, you’re on.
Darryl: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin: [mouths] Damn…
Darryl: [in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful…
Jim: No, don’t worry about it. We’ll just got double or nothin’.
Kevin: On what?
Jim: I don’t know, we’ll figure somethin’ out.
Oscar: What are you guys talkin’ about?
Darryl: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Michael: Yes, yes. But it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world… if somebody…
Darry: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael: It’s a big red trash compactor!
Lonny: What are you—
Darryl: It’s not a trash compactor! It’s a baler!
Lonny: Don’t disrespect the baler!
Michael: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. … Only on the rarest of occasions…
Darryl: No do not touch it!
Michael: …would I go near—
Darryl: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Toby: Ok, um, one thing that you’re gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It’s recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you’re gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and…
Toby: Um, yeah. You’re computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it’s also recommended that you step away for about… about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Wow, that is… that time really adds up. That’s like… a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
Michael: Ok, you know what? You’re making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby: Well, that’ll work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let’s see. “Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.”
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain’t it?
Michael: Ok guys, you know what? I didn’t— I didn’t interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl: Actually, you did.
Michael: Yes. Okay, let’s do another one. This is a good one. “A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute—“
Michael: Yes. “Which can contribute to heart disease.” Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny: That’s called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: Mmmm, no, no, it’s… sedentary…
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That’s, that’s fat butt disease. That’s what you suffer from?
Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah? I bet you’d like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn’t you?
Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?
Darryl: Alright, we outta here.
Michael: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I—
Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Mike. It’s serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin’ on your biscuit. Never havin’ to risk it.
Michael: Okay. … What, Nerf isn’t cool anymore?
Oscar: Really, ten? That’s your guess? You’re a professional accountant.
Jim: There’s like ten green ones.
Jim: I’m gonna say fifty.
Jim: Oh, don’t be that person.
Kevin: That is lame.
Karen: It’s a strategy!
Pam: It’s called being smart.
Karen: Thank you.
Kevin: Oh, geeze.
Jim: Kev’s out.
Kevin: Damn it.
Pam: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins!
Everyone: Oooh! [Jim claps]
Kevin: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim: Okay, okay.
Kevin: No, constantly. Like, for years.
Pam: I don’t understand the question.
Michael: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Michael: I— I— Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin’ fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that…
Pam: It’s really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael: Yeah… you are… ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don’t go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight… and you know science.
Pam: So, you’re okay?
Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?
Michael: I don’t know, I don’t know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression—
Michael: Nn— Depression.
Dwight: A quilt. Depression quilt?
Micheal: No time to sew a quilt. … I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
Ryan: I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money]
Kelly: You’re such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Michael: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or…
Dwight: We measured it once…
Michael: Go buy some watermelons.
Pam: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hello. [Jim replaces Creed’s apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato]
Kevin: Here you go. [hands money]
Michael: Let’s do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight: [drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds]
Michael: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh… crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it’s Stanley’s, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight: Got it.
Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight: We’re not allowed to use the baler.
Michael: Have Pa–adge do it, or… the sea monster.
Dwight: I’m on it!
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need… I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Michael: Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael: I don’t know if I wanna do this.
Dwight: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we’re not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight: That’s right! Doing! Totally doing! It’s rock n’ roll!
Michael: Rock n’ roll!
Michael: That’s right! I am not thinking.
Dwight: [imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near!
Michael: Yes! Yeah!
Dwight: [singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin’ off the roof!
Dwight: [singing] Bouncin’ on the bouncy bounce! Show ’em who’s boss!
Dwight: [singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]
Andy: Whoa! What’s the situation?
Dwight: [hesitates] Un-shun. I think he’s suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Ok, when’s the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It’s gorgeous. Let’s go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No really, it’s, it’s very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight: Everybody’s gonna be fine in exactly what they’re wearing, let’s go! Let’s go!
Michael: [on the roof] My life! Oh, my life…
Dwight: [on megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong?!
Michael: Everything’s wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight: Don’t do anything rash!
Michael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight: I didn’t… [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn’t think you needed them for this part.
Michael: Okay… that’s…
Dwight: you said to just…
Michael: That’s the whole point, dummy.
Dwight: Okay, I’m on it!
Jim: I’d say like… 10,000 to 1?
Kevin: Okay, I’d like ten bucks on those odds.
Michael: Oooooh, my life!
Dwight: Michael! What’s wrong?
Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight: Depressed? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Michael: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Jim: Oh, excuse me. It’s my… favorite part.
Ryan: At least we’re outside.
Jim: Oh my God, there is a castle.
Dwight: No, there’s nothing to see over there, people! There’s nothing to see. …They found the castle, Michael.
Michael: Damn it.
Jim: Oh. He’s going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
Pam: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael: What is it?
Pam: Come down and… open it and you’ll see.
Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight: Okay, uh… I don’t see anything. She might be bluffing.
Pam: Dwight, what are you—
Dwight: Oh… It’s uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they’re only available in Japan.
Michael: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you’re gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael: You told me, that I lead a… cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael: What do I have to live for?
Darryl: A lot… of things. Uh, you, uh… What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I— I ain’t that strong. And I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.
Kelly: Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible?
Kevin: They are the worst. Who’s this Drew chick?
Phyllis: Drew isn’t a girl… She’s Andy.
Andy: Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I’m so angry, argh I want to hit something. [laughs] Totally kidin’ guys.
Andy: Ahhh… Is that the last of it?
Kevin: I’m sorry.
Andy: It’s OK. I can’t always have what I want, but I can always want what I have.
Kevin: Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? ‘Cause that’s what we have.
Andy: Is it fresh? [winks]
Kevin: Are you going to beat me up?
Andy: Umm… [draws back arm] No. [laughs]
Pam: I thought I’d stay and answer the phones.
Michael: Don’t worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life… Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it.
Dwight: Come on.
Michael: Field Trip.
Dwight: Step lively. Single file everybody.
Michael: Like we’re going to the science museum.
Dwight: Let’s single…
Michael: Learn by touching.
Dwight: Single… OK.
Michael: I’ve been told that I’m a tactile learner.
Dwight: Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy.
Ryan: Totally, we should both work out.
Kelly: Screw you.
Michael: Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you…
Larry: Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl?
Darryl: Summing up.
Michael: Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.
Michael: But it was not a fair fight.
Dwight: No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome?
Michael: It was the warehouse guys…
Michael: … Dwight, they embarrassed us…
Michael: … because they had a much scarier safety presentation.
Dwight: Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please.
Michael: Yeah, Drew.
Andy: Yes bosses.
Michael: You know Drew, why don’t you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?
Dwight: OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready… Go! One Mississ… OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ… correct… ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi… e. Right here.
Michael: OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.
Karen: That’s three times in ten minutes.
Stanley: Where’s my five dollars?
Phyllis: You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha.
Michael: I’m going to wait. I don’t want to say this twice, it’s too painful and I’m too depressed.
Creed: [talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I’ve seen this too many times.
Kelly: Give me that thing, I want to try.
Jim: Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries.
Kelly: I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I’m so adorable.
Angela: I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there’s stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four.
Dwight: OK, if he’s not down by four, I’ll get the papers up to him.
Angela: OK, it’s three forty eight.
Jim: OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this.
Ryan: Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing.
Jim: Come on.
Stanley: Don’t play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about.
Jim: Come on. He’ll listen to you.
Everyone: Come on Ryan.
Angela: Let’s do it.
Dwight: Come on pretty boy.
Ryan: Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career.
Michael: I will miss you the most Ryan.
Ryan: Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don’t get it.
Andy: Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don’t jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.
Andy: Up to you.
Jim: No no no!
Andy: If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.
Jim: OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy]
Andy: Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it!
Dwight: It’s only leased, and it’s got rust damage, he’ll never get his deposit back.