Season 3 – Episode 17 “Cocktails”

Written by Paul Leiberstein
Directed by J.J. Abrams

Michael: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Dwight: Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be…
Michael: And now, the chains.
Michael: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It’s um, it’s really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.
Michael: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic… And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don’t see how he can.
Dwight: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
Michael: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
Jim: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can’t get out, you don’t want anyone to help you?
Michael: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
Pam: So we shouldn’t help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let’s just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]
Michael: AHHHH!
Kevin: Is everything ok, Michael?
Michael: Yes.
Michael: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician’s code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key…
Michael: Alright.
Dwight: [trumpet sounds]
Michael: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm? Like, are they friends?
Dwight: It’s early bird gets the worm.
Michael: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No, no.
Dwight: Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great.
Michael: “Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?” Well, tonight is so special because my boss’s boss’s boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it’s kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.
Michael: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Jim: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael: Sure? Might be a good idea.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Jim: Thanks.
Michael: Play some games?
Jim: Oh. Um. I think we’re good.
Michael: I spy?
Jim: Yeah.
Jim: Why don’t I wanna go? Didn’t expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don’t know any of these people. It’s an obligation. I don’t like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?
Dwight: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael: Oh, sure. Really didn’t give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you.
Jan: Michael?
Michael: Hey, Buttercup.
Jan: Hi.
Michael: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15…
Jan: Let’s just blow this party off.
Michael: That’s what she said.
Jan: Am I on speaker phone?
Michael: Uh, yes you are.
Jan: Is anybody else in the…
Dwight: Hello, Jan.
Jan: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.
Michael: No problem. [doesn’t turn off speakerphone]
Jan: Ok. Let’s just go to a motel…
Michael: Ok.
Jan: …and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Michael: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I…
Jan: Still on speaker?
Michael: Ummm… I don’t know.
Jan: Are camera’s there?
Michael: Maybe.
Jan: See you soon.
Michael: Ok.
Dwight: Talk to you later, Jan.
Michael: Alright. Bye.
Pam: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard’s for happy hour. You should come.
Roy: I can’t. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski’s and kinda took a bath, so… we’re going to go get hammered.
Pam: Ok, well, we’re going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I’m serious! If you’re going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.
Roy: Ok.
Pam: I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol’ Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.
Michael: Beauty. Thank you sir!
Dwight: Salad.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: You dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
Dwight: Wait. I don’t think yours will fit me.
Michael: I don’t care. Oh, wow. Here. Don’t put my jacket. Don’t give me that.
Dwight: That would have been really embarrassing.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: Crisis averted.
Michael: Ok.
Pam: Oh, that duck is so cute.
Kevin: Hey Pam.
Pam: Hey guys.
Kevin: Oscar. Angela.
Michael: Hi.
Michael: Actually, it’s polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.
Michael: Oh, um, potato salad.
Dwight: It’s from both of us.
Michael: No, it’s not.
Rachel: Wonderful, let’s, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.
Michael: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.
Michael: It’s been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah.
Kelly: Oh my God, when is it?
Kevin: It’s complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
Roy: Hey.
Pam: Hey. You made it.
Roy: You said it was important, so… How’s it going?
Kenny: What’s up, Pam.
Pam: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.
Roy: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?
Everyone: Yeah.
Roy: Yeah? Get you a drink.
Kenny: Thanks man.
Angela: No thank you, Roy.
Dwight: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.
Michael: What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan: I’m sure that it’s catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It’s a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael: Awesome. I’m going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Jan: You realize this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company.
Michael: Over our love.
Jan: I’ve never told you that I love you.
Michael: You don’t have to, Jan. This contract says it all.
Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.
Jan: What’s this over the “i”?
Michael: It’s a heart.
Jan: Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Michael: I love this woman!
Jan: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.
Dwight: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dan Gore: No.
Dwight: No? Then you are an idiot.
Rachel: Hello Michael.
Michael: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It’s weird. So…
David: Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?
David: Of course I do.
Jan: From the Scranton Branch.
Michael: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Jan: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.
Rachel: Excuse me.
Michael: Ok.
Pam: [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.
Bartender: Oh, sorry.
Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.
Karen: I’m the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.
Michael: Yeah, but you’re great now, right? We’re all great. Aren’t we great?
Jan: We’re good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?
Rachel: Can I get anyone anything, or?
Michael: I could go for an appeteaser.
Jan: Martini please.
Michael: Bagel bites or something.
Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, wow. That’s not appropriate.
Dwight: I’m just…
David: I don’t know
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight: These old colonials are great, when they’re sound. I’d love to take a look around.
Rachel: I’ll show you around.
Dwight: Cool, let’s start with the banisters.
Karen: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?
Jim: Yep.
Karen: That’s Drake. And just so you know, I don’t want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.
Jim: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.
Karen: And it didn’t end well.
Jim: Gotcha. Alright.
David: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.
Michael: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]
Jan: You ok?
Michael: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David: Sure.
Michael: How about some Splenda?
Roy: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.
Kenny: Where?
Roy: On this side.
Kevin: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly’s hands]
Ryan: I think I heard it on Roy’s side.
Kevin: No, it is here.
Ryan: [tapping Meredith and Kelly’s hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Kevin: Good thing you didn’t listen to me.
Ryan: Yeah, close one.
Roy: [points at one of Stanley’s hands and one of Pam’s] Not here. Not here. It’s either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley’s hand].
Kenny: YES!
Pam: Nice job.
Roy: I can read you like a book.
Pam: Oh yeah?
Roy: You can’t keep anything from me.
Student 1: Hey Creed.
Creed: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Student 2: You’re the man buddy.
Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff’s station.
Dwight: Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What’s in here? [Opens door].
Rachel: Uh, that’s a guest room.
Dwight: Just the one window?
Rachel: [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You’ll have to excuse me.
Dwight: Are those real pearls?
Rachel: Uh, yes.
Dwight: [tests smoke detector] Good.
Jim: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.
Karen: Well, if you’re wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it’s because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.
Jim: Oh. Hadn’t noticed.
Karen: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I’m glad it didn’t make you uncomfortable.
Jim: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.
Michael: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
Jan: It’s nice.
Michael: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael: Oh yeah, they don’t allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis… there. But it’s fun. It’s an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
Jim: Oh.
Michael: Crazy.
Jan: I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Michael: Ok. Excuse me. What’s going on? What is it?
Jan: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]
Michael: What are you doing?
Jan: Don’t you know what I’m doing?
Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. What… What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan: Shut up.
Michael: What has gotten into you?
Jan: Come on.
Michael: No, no, no.
Jan: What?
Michael: Come on, let’s go back to the party.
Jan: Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael: Don’t take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: No, no, no, means please don’t. Please.
Jan: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael: I’m not going to slam you up against the wall.
Jan: Oh, please.
Michael: You’re acting inappropriate. Jan.
Jan: Oh, I’m acting inappropriate? Get out.
Toby: Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal]
Pam: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
Toby: I was…
Pam: Hey, don’t you have a daughter?
Toby: [takes duck back] Yes.
Dwight: Oh good, you’re up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Child: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. It’s got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
Child: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?
David: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.
Jim: You stay here and have fun, because I’m going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Ok. Oh, um, don’t mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me.
Karen: I so got you.
Jim: So, none of them?
Karen: Of course not. I mean, you’re kind of like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Oh my God, it’s so easy. Fun.
Jim: Ok.
Karen: Hey Jan.
Jan: Not too good.
Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael’s homemade potato salad?
Michael: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It’s funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It’s just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
David: What’s ah, what’s with Jan and Michael?
Jim: I don’t know. Where to begin? My ball.
Dwight: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
Roy: What?
Pam: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy: That’s awesome. That’s what I want.
Pam: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can’t be any secrets between us.
Roy: I didn’t do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn’t at all.
Pam: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy: What?
Pam: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy: Jim came on to you?
Pam: Just listen.
Roy: No, I am listening! That’s the problem I am listening!
Pam: Don’t yell!
Roy: Don’t yell?!
Pam: This is over.
Roy: Yeah, you’re right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!
Kenny: Damn jet skis!
Michael: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle…
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael: You didn’t have any of the potato salad did you?
Jan: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael: Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan: Please don’t cry.
Michael: I’m not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don’t you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.
Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Jan: I didn’t mean it. I was…
Michael: Whatever.
Jan: Tired. I’m tired. And I didn’t eat enough. And, and, that’s all. That was it.
Michael: That’s all, you didn’t mean it?
Jan: That’s all. I didn’t mean it. That’s all. I’m just saying I didn’t mean it.
Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Ok.
Dwight: Don’t break up you guys, you’re great together.
Roy: Are they going to call the cops?
Kenny: No, I paid them off.
Roy: Jet ski money?
Kenny: All of it.
Roy: I’m gonna kill Jim Halpert.
Deleted Scene 1

Karen: I think it’s great that Jim’s invited. It’s important to have contact with the New York execs, or they’ll think everyone here is like Mi…chael.

Deleted Scene 2

Roy: [Points to Pam’s painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that.
Pam: [laughs]
Roy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I’ve seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know.

Deleted Scene 3

Ryan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard’s?
Toby: I don’t know, you?
Ryan: Maybe.
Kelly: I’m going and so are both of you. We’re all going.
Ryan: Hey, isn’t there some rule against inter-office dating?
Toby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you.
Kelly: I hear whispering.

Deleted Scene 4

Jim: Ok, so promise that you’ll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar.
Pam: Yes boss.
Karen: See ya Pam.

Deleted Scene 5

Kevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn’t think you guys would come.
Angela: Why wouldn’t we come?
Kevin: Because of reasons…
Kevin: Are there carbs in vodka?
Waiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: Hey
Waiter: Another vodka?
Meredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers.
Kevin: Sup?
Waiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How’d I do?
Stanley: Hmm, come here much?
Oscar: These wings are all fat and bone.
Angela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]

Deleted Scene 6

Dwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?
Rachel: I don’t know that. I’m sure the architect passed away many years ago.
Dwight: How convenient.

Deleted Scene 7

Jan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I’ve made some decisions that I’m not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I’m old enough to have a mature relationship, and that’s what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes.

Deleted Scene 8

Melissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan.
Ryan: Hey.
Melissa: How are you doing? I’ve, I’ve missed you.
Ryan: I’ve missed you too…
Melissa: Don’t you remember me?
Ryan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?
Melissa: No.
Kelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?
Ryan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin.
Melissa: No.
Stanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!
Melissa: Daddy.
Stanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?
Ryan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened.
Stanley: No, no, no, no.
Ryan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work.
Stanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I’ll snatch your spine out your back.

Deleted Scene 9

Dwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it’s not the Discovery. You play soccer?

Deleted Scene 10

Michael: What a weird day. I don’t understand it, but you don’t get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I’ll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they’re the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.