Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by Joss Whedon
Kevin: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Kevin: I almost died. I… I went into this skid—
Michael: Pop quiz.
Michael: Why is today a special day?
Kevin: I almost died.
Michael: Today’s a special day, because I am being honored as a… visiting… professor, special lecturer, emeritus… how did you, how did you…
Ryan: You will be a guest speaker… in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael: In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Dwight: “Don’t be an idiot.” Changed my life.
Michael: A lot of times, at a… school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan: Y-You understand nobody’s graduating.
Michael: Yeah, I know, I know. I’m just saying if they did throw their hats I’ve got a great line for that: “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.” … That was a pretty good line.
Ryan: …It doesn’t apply.
Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you’re such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!
Ryan: Quit it!
Michael: We have fun.
Pam: Okay, just so you know, it’s just the students from my class in a little studio.
Roy: I-I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Pam: You too.
Pam: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly: Oh my God. You’re so in love now.
Pam: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly: Oh, art show!
Pam: I mean, it’s not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly: …Oh… yeah. Definitely… I’ll be there. For sure.
College Student: ….Dude.
Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: Solving a mystery, if that’s quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo–BAT! BAAAT! BAT!
Karen: Oh my God!
Dwight: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley: Goooood bye.
Angela: [on ground] … Please don’t let that stupid thing near me…
Ryan: …Dunder-Mifflin can’t compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off…
Michael: I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he looks like he’s really into it.
Dwight: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.
Jim: I’m sorry what did you say? So wierd…
Dwight: What? What’s so wierd?
Jim: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There’s no mark. I feel so… tingly… so strangely powerful… [shrugs] Oh well.
Michael: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone’s textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have… a book… that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you’re inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.
Karen: Oh, what happened?
Jim: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It’s white hot.
Karen: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim: What? … No. It burned me. I… bizarre.
Dwight: No… no. One crisis at a time.
Pam: Oh! No, you should go.
Toby: Well, it’s important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.
Michael: …And products!
Ryan: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
Michael: Well… okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael: We can’t overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]
Jim: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen: What glare?
Jim: The glare off Angela’s crucifix? It’s blinding.
Dwight: –to use sudden violence.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?
Michael: …I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you’ll come back.
Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael: …We don’t want them back, ’cause they’re… stupid.
Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael: Nice try, how’s your Pollack-says-what index?
Business Student #3: …What?
Michael: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?
Business Student #1: By your own employee’s calculation you’ll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
Michael: …Wait, Ryan said that?
Creed: Animals can’t feel pain.
Kelly: Don’t hurt that bat, Creed! It’s a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight: Flush him towards the door. On my go… NOW!
Kelly: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin: [locks bat in break room] I… am a hero!
Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael: David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1: But there’s five Goliaths, there’s… Staples, Officemax…
Michael: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators… mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we’re learning in business school?
Business Student #1: But in the big picture…
Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can’t you understand that? No, you can’t. You’re too young. Ryan… has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he’s a tease. Well you know what? He doesn’t know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!
Michael: Business is always personal. It’s the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan: Pack my–?
Michael: You heard me, pack your things.
Creed: Good night, Mary Beth!
Dwight: Animal control? I’ve been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim: Cool. Okay. I’m gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades… there’s just so much sun in here… bye Dwight.
Dwight: Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
Pam: Called ‘Impressions.’
Pam: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Woman: Maybe one day.
Pam: I hope so.
Pam: I still need… you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?
Pam: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: Hey Pam.
Roy: How ’bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That’s… pretty cool, huh?
Meredith: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight: Hold still, woman!
Meredith: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight: …[captures bat in bag] … You’re welcome.
Pam: Yeah, I’ll just, I’ll drive myself home.
Roy: To my place?
Pam: Maybe, I’m a little tired.
Roy: Your art.. was the prettiest art of… all art.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving… to the annex.
Ryan: To the annex? Where… Kelly is?
Michael: A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people. … People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar: It’s her first try.
Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh’s first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar: Well, those aren’t Pam’s strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That’s why this is… motel art.
Michael: Pam-casso! Sorry I’m late, I had to race across town.
Pam: Oh, Michael.
Michael: Wow! You did these… freehand?
Michael: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] … How much?
Pam: What do you mean?
Michael: I don’t see a… price.
Pam: Um… you wanna buy it?
Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there’s my… window, and there’s my car! That your car?
Michael: That is our building… and we sell paper. … I am really proud of you.
Pam: [hugs Michael] … Thank you.
Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael: …Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam: No thank you.
Ryan: It’s only temporary, okay? Don’t get excited.
Kelly: I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t…
Michael: Wow! That’s a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.
Jim: Those are the books that sum up the other books.
Michael: So no?
Jim: What are you reading?
Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I’ve kept a diary of all my sales.
Jim: Oh, that could be interesting.
Michael: No, it’s just mileage mostly, but there’s one chapter that I call wisdoms. I’m going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.
Jim: [clears throat] I am ready.
Michael: Don’t do what I say, say what I do.
Michael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.
Jim: Hmm… Five.
Michael: This… You know this is a scale of one to ten?
Michael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that?
Jim: No, I got it.
Stanley: She’s on her honeymoon. She won’t be back for six weeks.
Creed: I’ll wait. [sighs]
Angela: Don’t Meredith.
Meredith: You ready?
Oscar: You know I don’t like to participate in the…
Meredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis’s wedding?
Oscar: Really, it’s just that I don’t like to participate…
Meredith: Grow up.
Oscar: It’s just… I’m sorry… It’s gossip, and I don’t think it’s healthy.
Meredith: Get over yourself.
Oscar: Well, I’m not going to get over myself… it’s wrong.
Meredith: Because Roy use to… [long censor beep]… with the rice… [long censor beep]… [laughs]
Oscar: [laughs] That’s disgusting.
Meredith: [still laughing] I know.
Ryan: Michael it’s not… It’s not…
Michael: That’s, yep a little flimsy. Umm… OK… Ahh… Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.
Michael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise…ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on… rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.
Student 2: Just following up on that first question…
Michael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.
Student 2: OK.
Student 2: New question.
Michael: Very good.
Student 2: In the digital age…
Student 2: … email…
Michael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time… Yes.
Student 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share.
Michael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.
Meredith: [comes out of the bathroom… screams… runs back into the bathroom]
Dwight: You want rabies? Be my guest.
Kevin: Your name looks really nice.
Kelly: Hope she’s OK.
Angela: Just goes to show the power of prayer.
Kelly: You prayed for this?
Angela: In a general sense.
Pam: Yeah, that’d be nice.
Kenny: There’ll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it’s fair I only pay a third.
Pam: Yeah that seems fair.