Written by Caroline Williams
Directed by Ken Whittingham
Dwight: What do you think?
Dwight: Inbwit? Yes.
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: I don’t know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]
Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let’s bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.
Stanley: A toaster, you?
Karen: A toaster.
Angela: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela: Thank you. Don’t linger. Break left. Left!
Karen: Yeah. P and R?
Jim: Phyllis and Robert.
Karen: Ah, of course.
Phyllis: Thanks, Michael. That’s sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael: How you doin’? You excited.
Phyllis: Yes, very.
Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Michael: You’re probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It’s okay, if you did. It’s a very natural reaction. It’s your wedding. And you’re nervous…
Phyllis: That wasn’t me.
Michael: Okay… umm… I’m sure that Bob… Wow. That is… that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah… Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis: I thought it was…
Michael: Here, let me…
Phyllis: Michael… No.
Michael: Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis: I don’t need your… thank you. No, Michael please… I just need some time alone.
Michael: [in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!
Michael: Long story short: Jeff’s dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said ‘boo’.
Jim: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight: No way.
Jim: Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight: Of course I saw it.
Dwight: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won’t have to get her a gift.
Toby: At the gym.
Kevin: Riiight. The gym. [snickers]
Meredith: I thought you’re not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly: I know but there was an emergency.
Michael: [whispers to father] That’s ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]
Dwight: It’s a miracle.
Crowd: [generalized clapping]
Michael: This is bull****!
Phyllis: I do.
Michael: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest: And do you, Bob…
Michael: Oh, shiii…
Priest: … take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance: I do.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!
Phyllis: Thanks Angela.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I’ll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
Phyllis: I don’t have that, Dwight.
Dwight: Dammit, Phyllis!
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well… this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh… um… no. That’s… um… That’s actually fine
Kelly: There’s no way it’s fine. I’m sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that’s a lot of good ideas. Thanks
Uncle Al: Who?
Dwight: The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al: Oh, I… I don’t… I’m not sure.
Dwight: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let’s move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al: Oh!
Phyllis: It’s beautiful. Why don’t you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael: I’m already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis: It’s fish.
Michael: I will take care of that.
Roy: I know I normally don’t notice these kind of things but uh… This wedding’s really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam: You’re kidding me, right?
Roy: I know you’re probably not going to remember this, right? But um… Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy: I uh guess I wasn’t really too involved in the planning.
Roy: Sorry about that.
Pam: It’s okay.
Roy: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
Crowd: [cheering and clapping]
Unknown: She is.
Michael: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I’m going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster’s Dictionary defines “wedding” as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Michael Scott, Phyllis’ boss. To quote from The Princess Bride “Mawige…
Bob Vance: Oh okay. That’s enough.
Michael: is a guy that…
Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me…
Michael: he works… Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn’t say anything when Phyllis’ dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance: Give me the microphone.
Michael: No. I’m not going to…
Bob Vance: Give me… Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael: Ok. All right.
Bob Vance: You’re out of here!
Michael: Oh. Yeah. You’re out of here! You’re… Yeah. I hate you!
Jim: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam: Oh… I’m pacing myself.
Jim: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam: No. I’m such a dorky dancer.
Jim: I know. It’s very cute.
Dwight: I can’t let you in, Michael.
Michael: Dwight, just…
Dwight: No, it’s Bob and Phyllis’ orders.
Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I’m not even going to dance one song.
Dwight: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I’m sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Pam: Yeah, that’s weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy: I know. Uh… I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don’t want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn’t know!
Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
Phyllis: You found Uncle Al!
Michael: Yeah. Yeah. He’s kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: You’re… You’re welcome.