Season 3 – Episode 13 “The Return”

Written by Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg, and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Greg Daniels

Dwight: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it’s very exciting.
Dwight: For your convenience, I’ve broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.
Dwight: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.
Dwight: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Dwight: [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it’s fine for the time being. Oops. Break’s over.
Andy: [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays “Rockin’ Robin”]
Jim: Is that you singing?
Andy: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim: Nice job.
Andy: Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]
Jim: You gonna answer it?
Andy: I called it myself. I just thought you’d get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim: Yikes.
Andy: Side note. I’d just like to say I’m thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim: Thank you.
Andy: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you’re younger and have less experience. So here’s to the future… Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna…
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Michael: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy: The cost of doing business.
Michael: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman…
Andy: Was the top salesman…
Michael: I said ‘was’.
Andy: [chuckles] Addition by subtraction.
Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy: Mmmm. Yeah you’re right.
Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody’s spirits.
Oscar: Hey, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar: Oh, that’s very funny.
Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar: [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.
Angela: Oscar.
Andy: Hey, boss.
Michael: Hey, what’s up.
Andy: Noooothin’. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael: Yep.
Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my “Lost” on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael: I don’t know. Maybe.
Andy: Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?
Michael: Bathroom.
Andy: Oh, well, I’m going to the kitchen, I’ll walk with you.
Andy: [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin’ a lot of face time with the boss.
Angela: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar: The one of all women?
Angela: Yeah.
Oscar: Because I’m gay?
Angela: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I’ve thought about certain things. And I’m sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I’ll join. I’d love to. That’s — thank you.
Angela: Thank you. [sniffles]
Kevin: Can I join too?
Angela: Never.
Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight: [scoffs] Child’s play. Give me something hard to sell.
Michael: Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh, that wasn’t the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Andy: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael: Yeah, do you?
Andy: Absolutely.
Michael: What did I say?
Andy: You said… [makes gibberish noises]
Michael: Huh.
Andy: Which is like, “Right on.” And Pam was like “blah blah blah” and you were like “Yeah, psht.” Nailed it.
Michael: Oh, no.
Andy: Oh, no.
MIchael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy… just… there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Oscar: I really have no preference. We don’t even have to have a party.
Michael: No, hey, hey. Don’t be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.
Oscar: Michael —
Michael: No, no, no. I mean, not because you’re gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar’s Mexicanity. So Phyllis… I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don’t you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let’s get him one.
Dwight: Need any help?
Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I’m just looking.
Dwight: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady: Okay. [moves away]
Andy: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli — ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!
Jim: Hey.
Karen: Hey.
Jim: So Andy is in rare form today.
Karen: Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim: Encourage him? I’m the victim, okay? He’s fishing for me. We’ve got to do something.
Karen: Look, I’ve got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I’m sorry. I can’t.
Jim: Fine. Party pooper.
Michael: Who’s that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Andy: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! [“displays” Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]
Jim: Hey, Ryan?
Ryan: What?
Jim: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan: Yeah, me too.
Michael: Hey guys. How’s the workload on all of Dwight’s old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: No.
Michael: Don’t – don’t do that. That’s not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis: No. Sorry.
Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
Paris: Really comin’ down out there. Commute’s gonna be hell.
Dwight: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So um, where were you workin’ before this?
Dwight: Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight: [scoffs] Paper company. They’re only one of Staples’ top competitors in the area.
Paris: I never heard of ’em.
Dwight: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: You gonna be like that, huh?
Paris: I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter.
Andy: [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam: Oh, I’m kind of in the middle of — yes please.
Jim: Okay, good. Stay right here.
Andy: [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim: [hands Pam Andy’s phone] Are there any messages?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: So weird.
Pam: [takes the phone] Hmm.
Michael: Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela: Yeah.
Andy: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim: No.
Andy: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Pam: Angela?
Angela: Oh. [hands Pam tape]
Pam: Is everything okay?
Angela: No.
Andy: What’s going on?
Jim: What are you talking about?
Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim: You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling.
Andy: Maybe you’re in the ceiling!
Jim: Okay.
Andy: [trying to look in Phyllis’s desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don’t trust you, Phyllis!
Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela: Yes.
Michael: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy.
Michael: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael: Um.
Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football – Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we’ll hit the tiz-own.
Michael: No. I don’t want to do any of that.
Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You’re going to drive me crazy.
Andy: Fine. I’ll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy’s phone rings] Excuse me. And I’m also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it’s funny to steal someone’s personal property and hide it from them. Here’s a little newsflash! It’s not funny! In fact, it’s pretty freakin’ unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That… was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam: Yeah.
Andy: Sure? Okay.
Dwight: [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It’s your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael: Hey.
Dwight: Hey.
Michael: What’s up?
Dwight: Same old.
Michael: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Dwight: Oh my God, she told you?
Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight: Accepted.
Michael: How’s this place treating you?
Dwight: [scoffs] The boss isn’t funny.
Michael: Oh, well.
Dwight: I don’t get to wear my ties.
Michael: No. I’m sure.
Dwight: So?
Michael: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight: I don’t want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael: We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.
Jim: [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that’s half-inch drywall.
Pam: I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]
Jim: [imitating Andy] “It’s not freakin’ funny!”
Angela: Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar: Actually, yeah. I didn’t think I would, but turns out — [Angela walks away] it’s great.
Michael: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present… Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everybody: Yay. [scattered appalause]
Angela: Welcome back.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You’re gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?
Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to “Welcome Back Oscar” sign]
Michael: Guilty.
Creed: Oh… Where did you get this stuff?
Meredith: Gerty’s.
Creed: Which aisle?
Meredith: I don’t remember.
Creed: Well, draw me a map, mama.
Michael: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
Pam: No, I will not.
Michael: So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Oscar: It reminds me a lot of the ‘Three Amigos’ with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Michael: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that’s– thanks so much.
Jim: Hey.
Karen: [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim: [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes.
Michael: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he’s handing it to him]
Dwight: Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don’t need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]
Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don’t worry about old Andy Bernard. I’ll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.
Andy: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be… Marcy!
Marcy: That’s right, it’s so good to meet you.
Andy: It’s so good to meet you!
Marcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?
Andy: Yeah.