Written by Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg, and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Greg Daniels
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael: Sorry, oh wow, that’s so rude. I’m sorry, I can’t control him.
Jim: Yeah, you can.
Michael: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim: For this?
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael’s new friend.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael: Oh, that is gross.
Pam: Who is ‘Long Tim’?
Michael: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim: Oh well, ‘Yoy’ should bring in ‘Long Tim’ in one day. Shouldn’t he?
Pam: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim: Yeah. Right?
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Pam: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin: … Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
Dwight: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela: Thank you. [Puts candy back] I… I don’t want those.
Andy: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Hmmm, well… let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don’t know. Michael Scott.
Andy: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We’re the same age and I’ll pick… Karen.
Karen: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Michael: You can’t pass. You’ve got to pick somebody.
Stanley: … I’ll take the kid.
Dwight: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim: Yup. I’ll trade.
Michael: Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Dwight: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Andy: He does your laundry?
Michael: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the “Amazing Race.” [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait, “Amazing Race” like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael: No, we’re just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this “Amazing Race”?
Michael: It’s just… brrrrrr… It’s “Amazing Race,” Phyllis. Okay? We’re in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let’s do it.
Dwight: Come on!!
Phyllis: Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis’ keys under the car.]
Michael: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Phyllis: Do you have a pole?
Karen: Let’s go get a broom.
Dwight: Uh, yeah. It’s the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
Michael: Ugh… that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
Angela: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam: Ok. Sure.
Stanley: You want the lead?
Ryan: Yeah, if you don’t mind.
Stanley: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Jim: You still do that thing?
Dwight: Leave the keys!
Michael: [Walks out of the Ladies’ Restroom] Let’s go. The men’s room was disgusting.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with… [Jim slaps Dwight]
Angela: This friend of mine – let’s call her Noelle – she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman – we’ll call him Kurt – he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That’s… I don’t know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam: That’s great.
Angela: Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?
Michael: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It’s in the Hamptons. My dad’s got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow’s nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael: You know what? Let’s get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don’t work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It’s in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We’ve had some problems in the past.
Michael: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Andy: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael: Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy’s shoulder] Stop it.
Michael: Ah, no. Don’t worry about it.
Andy: I really ‘Schruted’ it.
Andy: ‘Schruted’ it. It’s just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you ‘Schruted’ it. I don’t know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don’t know. Who knows how words are formed.
Karen: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, how’s Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she’s great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
Stanley: Ah, Julius, how’s it goin’?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Stanley: So good to see you too. I’d like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Stanley: I’m gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan: Um… [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Man: ‘Kay. ‘Kay.
Dwight: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Jim: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight: [On Phone] One…
Jim: We have discount prices on ink cartridges…
Jim: And, also, any forms that you are going to need…
Jim: We can custom make them.
Kevin: How much did you win?
Kevin: I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night.
Pam: Cool. Congratulations.
Kevin: Thanks, so sweet.
Jim: Sure, that’s true we can’t compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It’s very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight: Erm, that’s one of the ‘Big guys.’ Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it’s Jim.
Kelly: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you … . [Jim hangs up]
Dwight: Here is my card. It’s got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don’t celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Angela: That’s great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens.
Angela: I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Hmm. I don’t think so. But thanks. My building manager… is… You understand.
Angela: Well then. Have a nice day.
Phyllis: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen: Thank you.
Phyllis: I’m so glad you’re with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen: That’s nice.
Phyllis: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Michael: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael: He didn’t say.
Andy: That’s weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That’s not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.
Jim: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim: We should go on a double date.
Dwight: No thank you.
Michael: I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Andy: Oh, doggie.
Jim: Sure. Look at you!
Pam: No, thanks. I had some already.
Jim: All right.
Pam: Oh, but, hey, Jim.
Pam: I won an art contest today.
Jim: No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]
Jim: Which one was it?
Pam: I sent in one of my watercolors.
Pam: It was the new one I did.
Karen: You ready Jim?
Jim: Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?
Jim: Big deal.
Michael: Where were you this morning?
Dwight: I overslept. Damn rooster didn’t crow.
Michael: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight: I am not a liar.
Michael: You are lying right now.
Andy: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight: Stay out of this, you!
Michael: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That’s what she said.
Michael: Don’t. Don’t you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Angela: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight: That’s not the worst thing in the world. I’ll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won’t be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight: Well, I don’t have a lot of choices.
Karen: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim: Pam? Did I ever have a ‘thing’ for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen: I moved here from Connecticut…
Jim: Yeah. Ok, here’s the … I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn’t feel the same way. So, it didn’t amount to anything, and I left. I’m really glad you’re here. ‘Kay?
Michael: Good luck.
Karen: What happened on your sales call?