Written by Justin Spitzer
Directed by Julian Farino
Dwight: Tape recorder.
Jim: For what?
Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he’s asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it’s the six month commitment.
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what’re you doing?
Jim: You’re not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I’m not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that’s making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He’s got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley’s neck?!
Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby’s bonnet.
Dwight: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly…
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you’re right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can’t see… You can’t see my stomach.
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis’ head with a chainsaw! … Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and… [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that’s nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Michael: Just relax, OK? I’ll get to all of it later.
Pam: It’s kind of serious.
Michael: Aren’t you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says “Hey mon,” everybody says “Hey mon” back.
Stanley: Oh, Michael, I’m glad you’re here.
Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley: They said I should talk to you.
Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I’m gonna…
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers… mon.
Pam: That’s good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]
Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It’s kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah… Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam: But you can’t today, we’re doing inventory.
Michael: Inventory’s at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn’t do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That’s impossible.
Michael: The Jamaicans don’t have a word for “impossible.”
Jim: Yep, it’s English, it’s “impossible.”
Angela: Michael, there’s no way we can do it in time.
Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]
Everybody: What? Where?
Pam: On the left.
Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael: No, no, no. No, that’s a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Packer: You took the ice queen? I don’t buy it.
Michael: Well I’m looking at a photo, right now. And I’m telling ‘ya, could be in Maxim.
Packer: They wouldn’t give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael: Oh no?
Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at… [reading computer screen] [email protected] Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh.
Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?
Roy: He’s in the office.
Michael: OK, Hey, man, how’s it going?
Darryl: All right, what’s up Mike?
Michael: That’s great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not “packaging.” Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl: Mike, I’m very busy down here. [eats chicken]
Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend.
Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.
Pam: You OK?
Pam: You sure?
Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I’m just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?
Dwight: Who’s the target?
Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is “Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.”
Dwight: What’s it of?
Michael: Not important.
Dwight: Unless you’re willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael: OK, forget it.
Dwight: OK, I accept it.
Jim: Hmm, what?
Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim: Yeah, I guess.
Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
Pam: Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell… which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]
Michael: Not now, not ever.
Toby: About you and Jan.
Michael: Aww, none of your business.
Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you’ve entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife… we don’t talk now.
Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: All right, if you’re having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby: All right, thanks Michael.
Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?
Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I’m not here. Tell… tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam: He’ll call you back. OK, great.
Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?
Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight: No, it’s… involves the photograph.
Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!
Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe…
Jim: Urkel Grue.
Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let’s be professional, all right?
Pam: What are you doing out here?
Michael: Island living. You know?
Pam: Jan called. She’s coming in later to talk to you.
Michael: Did she say what it’s about?
Pam: That’s all she said.
Andy: Ole ole – ole ole… Ole ole – ole ole. People in the party – hot hot hot [playing conch shell]
Karen: You sure?
Michael: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight: There were. A lot of them.
Michael: All right.
Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day’s Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don’t worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen: Yeah, but… thanks. Seriously.
Pam: What? No, it’s not… it’s nothing.
Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It’s hot in here.
Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don’t need to stay here.
Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?
Kevin: Hi Jan, you look… tan.
Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin: Yeah. How was it?
Jan: Very sunny. Family’s important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael: OK, yup.
Jan: In the last year, I’ve gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not… communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael: I… I… Yes.
Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means… lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Michael: OK, yeah.
Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am… attracted to you. I, I don’t know why, I… but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that’s what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I…
Jan: This is the point, OK? You’re wrong for me. In… In… every way. But I still find myself wanting to… be with you.
Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan: Good, good.
Michael: So, umm… thanks for coming by. So, I, uh…
Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you… for taking the time…
Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate – [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael: Jan, you… complete… me.
Jan: Oh, God.
Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.
Michael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.
Dwight: While you were gone…
Michael: Me had an i-rey time.
Dwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up.
Michael: Dwight, please, please.
Dwight: He turned over my…
Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let’s don’t… Don’t harsh my mellow, mon.
Michael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.
Andy: I give thanks, mon.
Michael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]
Angela: No, I didn’t.
Michael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.
Pam: That’s okay.
Michael: I’m just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!
Michael: [laughs] Try it on.
Michael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don’t think I did.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I’m just kidding. It’s coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.
Creed: You want some?
Kevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that’s fun.
Michael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I’m sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I’m sure he would like to take a day off. I’m sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.
Jim: [raises hand] Are you stoned?
Jim: In the picture, are you high?
Michael: Oh, that’s red eye.
Jim: Is that not what happens when you’re high?
Kevin: You look like you have the munchies.
Kelly: I have the munchies. I’m gonna get some of those chocolate wafers.
Michael: Hey, can we just focus?
Stanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through.
Phyllis: But I won’t be able to do inventory without it.
Stanley: Then you won’t be able to do inventory.
Michael: Okay. Well, Jan’s email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.
Dwight: Try Dwight.
Michael: Her passwords aren’t going to be Dwight, Dwight. That’s stupid. Okay.
Jan: Oh yeah, Arizona’s beautiful. Yeah. It’s great to… great to see my sister.
Jan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don’t… I don’t normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it’s Scottsdale… I was visiting my sister and…
Jim: Oh, loves it.
Pam: Okay. This one is the same price but it’s got…
Jim: Green walls.
Pam: I think that’s mold.
Jim: Ooh… fancy.
Ryan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we’re supposed to.
Roy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me.
Kelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine.
Dwight: Please, I can double your pace.
Andy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?
Dwight: Let’s go.
Andy: One, two, three, go!
Jim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice.
Andy: Get out of my way, Jim!
Dwight: Jim, move!
Andy: Dang it.
Dwight: Two at a time!
Andy: Those aren’t straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You’re disqualified.
Stanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why?
Michael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don’t remember in which direction.
Stanley: So it’s either worth $15 bucks or $65,000.
Michael: Yes, good luck with that.
Kevin: Oh, so you’ve been to a real luau.
Angela: I tried. We didn’t have time.
Creed: I don’t know what to tell you.