Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Miguel Arteta
Michael: Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly: It’s not a dress. It’s a kurta.
Michael: [laughing] OK.
Pam: Really you do. I love the material.
Kelly: I know.
Michael: How come you didn’t get me one?
Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you want to make Appletini’s and watch ‘Sex and the City’ at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.
Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Dwight: Maybe you’ve got mono.
Pam: Maybe. I just …I don’t really have anyone to go with.
Kelly: Well, go with Dwight. He’s single, too. Right?
Dwight: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.
Roy: I don’t know. Who’s… uh, who’s going?
Kevin: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?
Angela: Don’t go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do… sign me up… because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Stanley: I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa.
Michael: Wha? Really? You should! It’s fun.
Kelly: Um… Diwali is awesome… and there’s food… and there’s going to be dancing… and… Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um…
Michael: Um… why don’t you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
Kelly: Oh, um… I don’t know. It’s really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela: [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What’s her story?
Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight: Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I’ll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil…
Michael: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn’t ‘Lord of the Rings’.
Jim: Thank you.
Dwight: I see dead people.
Michael: Okay. Spoiler… alert.
Dwight: He was dead the whole time.
Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What’s the… oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from?
Karen: Oh. Did you shake it?
Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.
Jim: ‘Scuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It’s very Sam and Diane.
Andy: From ‘Cheers’.
Creed: I have. That’s the ‘Union of the Monkey’.
Meredith: Oh, that’s what they call it.
Kevin: This is the best meeting we’ve ever had.
Michael: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn’t all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she’s right. This isn’t appropriate. Why don’t I take these.
Michael: No, You’re not going to collect them.
Michael: No. This is delightful, charming culture.
Josh: And Karen? Let’s keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Karen: Got it.
Jim: What’s that?
Andy: I said are you ready TO PARTY!
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it. It’s a disease! I’ve told you.
Michael: [points at woman] What does that look like to you?
Carol: An Indian woman in a sari.
Michael: No one’s even going to notice.
Kevin: Nice outfit.
Michael: Hey, Kevin. It’s a costume. Why don’t you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.
Angela: I’m a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Server: It’s all vegetarian.
Angela: I’ll just have some bread. You used your hands.
Carol: What? Too spicy?
Michael: No. These s’mores are disgusting.
Carol: They’re not s’mores. They’re samosas.
Michael: Do you think they have any s’mores?
Girls: [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi]
Kelly: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan: They said something about Zach Braff.
Kelly: Don’t even listen to them. They’re so…
Ryan: No, you don’t…
Kelly’s Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.
Kelly: Uh… excuse me. I want to get a…
Kelly’s Mom: He’s a perfect match.
Andy: One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim: Oh, Holy Mother of God.
Andy: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um…
Kelly’s Father: Yes.
Kelly’s Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael: Oh! She’s not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um… no, we’re not married… yet!
Kelly’s Mom: She is very fair.
Michael: She is. Very fair and very kind. So… um… tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It’s still very cool. Ok. Thanks!
Michael: I’m going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I’m just going to get this for a sec… just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um… everyone? I’m sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah… Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um… okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you’re all thinking ‘who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?’ Well, I’m not crazy. Maybe I’m crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Carol: Oh, Michael.
Michael: What do you say?
Carol: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael: I didn’t hear you. [laughs]
Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private?
Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Okay.
Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, well, but I … I feel like I’ve known you many lifetimes. Maybe I’m Hindu after all. Okay, I’m not Hindu, but… Carol. Carol, I just… I feel like… I just like you so much.
Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?
Michael: Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don’t I come with you. Cause I’ve got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carol: Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael: All right. Good night.
Kelly’s Mom: So you’re saving money…
Kelly’s Mom: …to start a family and home.
Ryan: Oh, um… or travel. And,um… and buy an Xbox.
Kelly’s Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Young Man: Is it? He’s really outgoing, huh?
Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?
Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun.
Pam: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela: I have to watch our shoes so they don’t get stolen. Who were you texting?
Pam: No one.
Karen: Andy, no acappella.
Andy: [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.
Andy and Jim: [sing] There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
Andy: Wait, wait.
Andy and Jim: [sing] the less I seek my source…
Karen: Oh, come on, guys. Please.
Andy and Jim: [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
Karen: It’s not good.
Andy and Jim: [sing] fi-i-i-ine!
Andy: TUNA! Are you kidding me!!
Pam: Here. [hands drink]
Michael: That’s so spicy.
Michael: Oh. You waiting for a call?
Pam: Uh… no.
Michael: Wow. Pam. When Carol said ‘No.’ tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though.
Michael: Yeah. Uuuuh… well.
Pam: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
Michael: We’re so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]
Pam: What are you doing?
Michael: What are you doing?
Pam: I’m rejecting your…
Michael: I’m… what? I didn’t
Michael: [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home?
Pam: If you sit in the back.
Jim: Can I have a ride, man? I… uh… I have my bike.
Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You’re welcome to share it though. It’s a roomy twin.
Karen: Hey dummy, get in the car!
Jim: I’m a drunk driver.
Karen: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just… uh… get in the car.
Jim: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.
Karen: Yeah, you can’t.
Jim: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that’s all right.
Karen: Sure. Here’s your bag. Just don’t puke on anything. You okay?
Jim: So good.
Pam: You say one more word; I’m stopping the car.
Crowd: [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]
Kelly: Um, well, basically, it’s like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there’s a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?
Michael: Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.
Kelly: Like, an Indian Halloween?
Michael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?
Pam: [on phone] Michael, you’re on with Jan.
Michael: Hello, Jan.
Jan: Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?
Michael: Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.
Jan: What is Diwali?
Michael: What is Diwali?
Michael: You don’t know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I’m surprised. It’s the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you’d be familiar with it. It’s the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It’s like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween—
Michael: —rolled into one.
Michael: I bet you’re not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in…
Kelly: Um, customer service.
Michael: … customer service is a Hindu person.
Jan: Yes, of course, I know Kelly.
Jan: I thought she was Muslim.
Kelly: What? I’m not Muslim!
Jan: Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea.
Michael: You do?
Jan: Yes, of course. It’s important to celebrate our company’s rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event—
Michael: Oh, I dunno about that.
Jan: —or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself.
Michael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much.
Jan: Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric—
Michael: [hangs up]
Kelly: She’s so wonderful.
Michael: Yeah, you should see her naked.
Mrs. Kapoor: No Police cover.
Kevin: No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and… Better yet, I’ll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It’ll save us both on postage.
Mr. Kapoor: [nods]
Ryan: Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan.
Carol: Hi, I’m Carol.
Ryan: Hi, nice to meet you.
Carol: The wavy brown hair and blue eyes.
Carol: Michael talks about you… a lot.
Carol: Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right?
Ryan: Wow, um… Sorry you had to…
Dwight: Does Michael talk about me a lot?
Carol: [pause] Yes.
Dwight: He does? What does he say.
Carol: He says… “I love him.” He loves you.
Jim: Nope, I got eel.
Karen: [looking for Jim’s sushi] Eel… eel.
Andy: Didn’t see that coming.
Pam: Your shirt is buttoned wrong.
Michael: So, any questions?