Written by Jennifer Celotta
Directed by Roger Nygard
Ryan: Uh, no thanks, I’m good.
Michael: Oh, it’s okay, I’m going down.
Ryan: Um… Yeah, absolutely.
Michael: All right, I’ll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]
Dwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo!
Michael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go.
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: You’re welcome.
Dwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael: Don’t mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley’s desk]
Dwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!
Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael: There’s coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
Ryan and others: Yeah. Yes, it’s better. It’s great.
Michael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]
Michael: [sighs] All right.
Michael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?
Jan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend.
Michael: Oh, wow.
Kelly: Oh, Michael, that’s such terrible news! You must feel so sad.
Michael: Yes, I am. It’s very sad. Because he was my boss.
Phyllis: That’s a shame. Ed was a good guy.
Michael: That’s right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I’ll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.
Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Pam: Is there anything I can do?
Michael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It’s… pssssh… . He was almost 70. Circle of life.
Michael: [holds out arms to Pam]
Pam: Oh. Okay.
Michael: Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Pam: [extricating herself] Okay.
Karen: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.
Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim: Oh yeah, definitely.
Andy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Josh: Thank you, everyone.
Jim: What’s up?
Karen: Uh, nothing. They’re just out of Herr’s chips.
Karen: But don’t worry about it. My snack food doesn’t fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim: Mmm, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we’re not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.
Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin’.
Creed: About what?
Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you’re gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my God.
Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You’re thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?
Dwight: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: You said you didn’t know how to say it.
Michael: I didn’t… he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that’s when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Angela: I do not wanna talk about this.
Jan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael: You really don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.
Jan: Well, what would you suggest?
Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue.
Jan: Of Ed?
Jan: [scoffs] I’m not sure that’s realistic.
Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.
Jan: No, that’s not—
Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move…
Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Dwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jan: What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan: You know what, Michael? I’ve really tried with you today…
Michael: Mm hm.
Jan: …and I have to get back to work.
Michael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael: But Ed truck can’t because he is—
Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up]
Dwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can’t chase us.
Michael: That’s perfect.
Karen: Okay, great. I think that’s enough. Can I get back to work now?
Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Karen: Yeah, all day.
Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What’s the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there’s no game. We’re just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Jim: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your… butt?
Phyllis: Okay that’s enough.
Stanley: We do not wanna hear about this.
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn’t wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can’t stop picturing it. He leaves work, he’s on his way home… wham! His cappa is detated from his head!
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.
Michael: Well, you know what? There’s something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!
Roy: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.
Michael: Okay, fine. Hurry back.
Roy: [as they leave] There’s nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the “grief counseling” session.
Pam: Oh. I would like a break.
Roy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?
Pam: I think so. I don’t know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.
Roy: [laughs] Well, you’re not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.
Karen: [laughing] Six?
Pam: You waited for me?
Michael: Yeah. Pam, you’re a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Okay, why don’t you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.
Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]
Michael: Okay… I’m going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let’s see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that’s okay.
Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all… took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so…
Michael: Wait a second. That’s Weekend at Bernie’s. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball.
Michael: All right, we’re starting over.
Stanley: No, I’m done.
Michael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Angela: We really have a lot of work to do right now.
Michael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]
Toby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death’s just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.
Michael: How do you know?
Michael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby: It was obvious…
Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn’t. You’re not a veterinarian. You don’t know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]
Dwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael …
Michael: [seeing bird] Oh, God!
Dwight: [in disgust] Oh…
Michael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on …
Dwight: Poor little fella.
Michael: Oh shhhh–oot!
Dwight: He is a goner.
Michael: No, he’s not.
Michael: No, he’s not. [cradling bird next to face]
Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael: Well, you can’t get diseases from a bird!
Michael: We don’t know if it’s dead.
Kelly: Ugh, no that thing is dead.
Dwight: You want me to flush him?
Meredith: I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.
Michael: No, no, no! That’s enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him.
Karen: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr’s. Non? Ah… merci quand meme. Au revoir.
Jim: Sounded good.
Michael: It’s okay. It’s okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh… yes, I know, I know. It’s been a tough day, but it’s good to let it show.
Kelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight?
Michael: What are… What are you doing?
Dwight: What? No, this is about the right size.
Michael: No, God, no it’s not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?
Pam: Is it for the bird?
Pam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box]
Dwight: Oh, thank you.
Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral…
Dwight: Yes, please.
Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Pam: Do you have it with you?
Dwight: Always. [runs off]
Jim: Where’d I find what?
Kelly: You told us we had to.
Michael: Dwight, do you have the box?
Pam: Actually, I have it.
Michael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That’s… that’s very nice.
Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, “Not much. It’s just a bird.” But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it’s that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.
Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don’t think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight: He’s not a songbird.
Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can’t help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn’t mean he was alone. Because I’m sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela: [quickly] Amen.
Dwight: [begins playing recorder]
Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within… on the wings of love …
Jim: Umm… sure.
Hannah: [shows picture] Here he is.
Jim: [chuckles] He’s so cute.
Hannah: And here’s his first bath. Warning: contains nudity.
Jim: That’s okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it’s not. I’m sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him?
Hannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids.
Jim: Sounds good.
Michael: Oh, wow. He…
Jan: Yeah. And I know… I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know.
Michael: Does his family know?
Jan: Yes, they know, Michael.
Michael: But I’m the first in the office?
Jan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects.
Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that…
Michael: …’Cause I’m the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]
Kevin: …ces. [chuckles]
Michael: What was that, Kevin?
Michael: No, you said something, didn’t you?
Kevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there’s, like, two pieces of him.
Michael: You think that’s funny.
Kevin: No. [chuckles]
Michael: You are disgusting.
Dwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He’s trained as a grief counselor.
Michael: No, that can’t be right.
Toby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don’t think that’s what they need right now.
Michael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn’t it?
Roy: So how’s your day going?
Pam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I’ve never met.
Roy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here.
Pam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess.
Roy: [laughs] Cool, all right.
Kevin: Not really.
Michael: You’re ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice.
Toby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today?
Stanley: I’m having trouble getting my work done today.
Toby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I’m always available if anyone would like to talk.
Michael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I’ve ever met.
Toby: Michael, I’m sorry…
Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We’re gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we’re going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?
Angela: Okay. I don’t think Kevin should take his shoes off.
Pam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month.
Roy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn’t wait. I’ll bring in a picture if you…
Pam: Yeah, I’d love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, “Congratulations.”
Pam: I should probably head back in.
Pam: But, umm, thanks for the break.
Roy: No problem.
Dwight: Ow! God!
Michael: Okay, give it to me. You don’t know what you’re doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]
Man: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there?
Michael: Nothing. Let’s just… all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?