Season 3 – Episode 04 “Grief Counseling”

Michael: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Ryan: Uh, no thanks, I’m good.
Michael: Oh, it’s okay, I’m going down.
Ryan: Um… Yeah, absolutely.
Michael: All right, I’ll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]
Dwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo!
Michael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go.
Dwight: Awesome!
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: You’re welcome.
Dwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael: Don’t mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley’s desk]
Dwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!
Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael: There’s coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
Ryan and others: Yeah. Yes, it’s better. It’s great.
Michael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]

Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Pam: [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar?
Michael: [sighs] All right.

Jan: [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.
Michael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?
Jan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend.
Michael: Oh, wow.

Michael: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died.
Kelly: Oh, Michael, that’s such terrible news! You must feel so sad.
Michael: Yes, I am. It’s very sad. Because he was my boss.
Phyllis: That’s a shame. Ed was a good guy.
Michael: That’s right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I’ll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.

Michael: So did you hear the news?
Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: Is there anything I can do?
Michael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It’s… pssssh… . He was almost 70. Circle of life.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael: [holds out arms to Pam]
Pam: Oh. Okay.
Michael: Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Pam: [extricating herself] Okay.

Josh: What’s going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?
Karen: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.
Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim: Oh yeah, definitely.
Andy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Josh: Thank you, everyone.

Karen: [at vending machine] Dammit.
Jim: What’s up?
Karen: Uh, nothing. They’re just out of Herr’s chips.
Jim: Oh.
Karen: But don’t worry about it. My snack food doesn’t fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim: Mmm, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we’re not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Creed: It’s a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin’.
Creed: About what?
Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you’re gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my God.
Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You’re thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I’m sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.

Michael: [clears throat] So, I’m not exactly sure how to say this…
Dwight: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: You said you didn’t know how to say it.
Michael: I didn’t… he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that’s when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.

Dwight: Hey.
Angela: Hi.
Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Angela: I do not wanna talk about this.

Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Michael: I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
Jan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael: You really don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.
Jan: Well, what would you suggest?
Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue.
Jan: Of Ed?
Michael: Yeah.
Jan: [scoffs] I’m not sure that’s realistic.
Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.
Jan: No, that’s not—
Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move…
Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Life-size.
Dwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jan: What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan: You know what, Michael? I’ve really tried with you today…
Michael: Mm hm.
Jan: …and I have to get back to work.
Michael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael: But Ed truck can’t because he is—
Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up]
Michael: DEAD.
Dwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can’t chase us.
Michael: That’s perfect.

Jim: Okay, that is a “no” on the on the West Side Market.
Karen: Okay, great. I think that’s enough. Can I get back to work now?
Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Yeah, all day.
Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What’s the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there’s no game. We’re just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Karen: Mm.
Jim: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your… butt?

Michael: Oohh… can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay that’s enough.
Michael: What?
Stanley: We do not wanna hear about this.
Michael: Well, you know what? I didn’t wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can’t stop picturing it. He leaves work, he’s on his way home… wham! His cappa is detated from his head!
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.
Michael: Well, you know what? There’s something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!

Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.

Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And… it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears… and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer… and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone… and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly… terribly alone.
Roy: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.
Michael: Okay, fine. Hurry back.
Roy: [as they leave] There’s nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the “grief counseling” session.
Pam: Oh. I would like a break.

Roy: How are you likin’ the new car?
Pam: Great.
Roy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?
Pam: I think so. I don’t know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.
Roy: [laughs] Well, you’re not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.

Jim: [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr’s salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven’t … . yeah. You have ’em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number… six. Wait, no. I’ll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen].
Karen: [laughing] Six?

Michael: [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um…
Pam: You waited for me?
Michael: Yeah. Pam, you’re a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: Okay, why don’t you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope.
Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back]
Michael: Okay… I’m going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam: Let’s see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that’s okay.
Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all… took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so…
Michael: Wait a second. That’s Weekend at Bernie’s. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis: Well, there is a ball.
Michael: All right, we’re starting over.
Stanley: No, I’m done.
Michael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Angela: We really have a lot of work to do right now.
Michael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]
Toby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death’s just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.
Michael: How do you know?
Toby: What?
Michael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby: It was obvious…
Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn’t. You’re not a veterinarian. You don’t know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]
Dwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael …
Michael: [seeing bird] Oh, God!
Dwight: [in disgust] Oh…
Michael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on …
Dwight: Poor little fella.
Michael: Oh shhhh–oot!
Dwight: He is a goner.
Michael: No, he’s not.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: No, he’s not. [cradling bird next to face]
Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael: Well, you can’t get diseases from a bird!

Angela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!
Michael: We don’t know if it’s dead.
Kelly: Ugh, no that thing is dead.
Dwight: You want me to flush him?

Michael: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Meredith: I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.
Angela: But…
Michael: No, no, no! That’s enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him.

Karen: I’m calling a supermarket in Montreal.
Jim: Nice!
Karen: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr’s. Non? Ah… merci quand meme. Au revoir.
Jim: Sounded good.
Karen: Thanks.

Kelly: [crying]
Michael: It’s okay. It’s okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh… yes, I know, I know. It’s been a tough day, but it’s good to let it show.
Kelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight?

Dwight: [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh… gah!
Michael: What are… What are you doing?
Dwight: What? No, this is about the right size.
Michael: No, God, no it’s not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?

Dwight: I’m sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

Dwight: I need a box. I need a box. A small box… not too confining.
Pam: Is it for the bird?
Dwight: Yeah.
Pam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box]
Dwight: Oh, thank you.
Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral…
Dwight: Yes, please.
Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight: Excellent.
Pam: Do you have it with you?
Dwight: Always. [runs off]

Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.

Karen: [spotting Herr’s chips on her desk] Where’d you find them?
Jim: Where’d I find what?

Jim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.

Michael: Glad you could all make it.
Kelly: You told us we had to.
Michael: Dwight, do you have the box?
Pam: Actually, I have it.
Michael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That’s… that’s very nice.

Ryan: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking “I’m a little too old for this.” And I was five.

Pam: I’d also like to say a few words if that’s okay.
Michael: Yes.
Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, “Not much. It’s just a bird.” But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it’s that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.
Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don’t think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight: He’s not a songbird.
Michael: Shhh.
Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can’t help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn’t mean he was alone. Because I’m sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela: [quickly] Amen.
Dwight: [begins playing recorder]
Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within… on the wings of love …

Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Dwight: Let’s get back to work.