Written by Steve Carell
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam: It’s a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.
Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun, and besides, I’m a roulette expert.
Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Dwight: How would you do that?
Jim: Mind control.
Dwight: [laughs] You can’t be serious. Are you serious?
Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight: I don’t believe you. Continue.
Jim: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight: [scoffs] That’s ridiculous. You know what? Uh… Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]
Dwight: Oh, my God.
Jan: [on phone] Yeah, but… Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael: Top 80 percent!
Jan: You know that I’m very serious here.
Michael: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Michael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we’re having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.
Jan: [laughs] I think you can handle it.
Michael: Oh, come on. Come on.
Jan: I think so, Michael…
Michael: You know, it’d be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.
Jan: Goodbye, Michael.
Oscar: Again? We do that every year.
Michael: Well, they need our money. They don’t have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar: It’d be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don’t like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.
Michael: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim: That doesn’t exist anymore.
Michael: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.
Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Michael: That’s a dog.
Pam: No, that’s Afghan.
Michael: That’s a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
Pam: Oh, nothing.
Jim: “Till Death Do Us Rock.”
Pam: They’re wedding bands.
Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he’s concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don’t hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they’re all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam: There’s a KISS cover band in here.
Jim: Let’s do it.
Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael: It’s Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl: Except my warehouse.
Michael: Well, actually, it’s my warehouse.
Dwight: Actually, it’s owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.
Michael: Why are you here?
Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael: Not. I said, not that.
Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That’s ironic.
Michael: That you are afraid.
Darryl: Why? ‘Cause I’m from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin’ flicka.
Darryl: [sighs] Dinkin’ flicka.
Pam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.
Pam: Have three stages, yeah.
Jim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity.
Jim: Let’s take a look. Nice.
Pam: Oh, wait. That’s Kevin. On the drums.
Pam: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim: Oh, my God, that’s Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he’s the drummer and the singer.
Pam: Oh, my…
Jim: Yeah, you haven’t seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I’m gonna call the label, we’re gonna…
Pam: No! No!
Jim: No, Pam, you’re gonna lose him to another wedding.
Pam: No, come back! No, no, no!
Pam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you.
Pam: Carol Stills.
Michael: Do I know a Carol Stills?
Pam: Your realtor.
Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam: It’s still me.
Carol: [on phone] Hello, Michael?
Michael: Hi, Carol. How you doing?
Carol: I’m great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.
Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It’s okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.
Carol: Oh, good, I’m glad. Can I drop it over later?
Michael: Actually, I’m sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael: Yeah, it’ll be good. You know what? Why don’t you come by? Bring the papers, I’ll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.
Carol: To the casino thing?
Michael: Yeah. It’ll be fun. What do you…[phone rings] What do you…
Michael: Oh, I’m sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?
Pam: Michael, Jan’s on line two.
Michael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam: It’s still me. Uh, Jan, here’s Michael.
Michael: Hey, Jan. How you doing?
Jan: You know, I… I thought about it and you are right.
Michael: I am?
Jan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Incidentally, what is the charity?
Jan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight.
Michael: Okay, sounds great.
Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just…
Carol: No problemo.
Carol: To answer your question…
Carol: I’d love to go.
Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn’t be a problem.
Michael: Problem. Good.
Carol: And I’ll bring the papers, too.
Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great.
Carol: I’ll see you tonight.
Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Roy: Yeah! That’s great.
Michael: Hey, hey.
Michael: Hey, Carol.
Michael: You look great.
Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.
Michael: Oh, well… Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That’s how we do it in the paper biz. It’s European and… Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]
Dwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
Carol: Drink would be good.
Billy: No, I’m fine. Thank’s sweetheart.
Billy’s Girlfriend: Okay.
Michael: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That’s my girlfriend.
Michael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili’s. She was my waitress.
Michael: Chili’s is great.
Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let’s get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold’em. Good luck, everybody. That’s at least four red chips to you, sir.
Michael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands]
Michael: What are… That’s insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn’t that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don’t be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I’m sorry. He can’t, sir. He’s gone all-in.
Michael: Okay, all right, whatever.
Dealer: Flip them.
Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]
Michael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren’t involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Michael: Look, okay, I think we’re all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.
Jan: What are you… Just… Wait, what’re you talking about?
Carol: What does that mean?
Michael: After you said you weren’t coming, I invited Carol to come and I don’t think that I did anything wrong.
Jan: No. No, you didn’t. Hi, I’m Jan. I’m Michael’s boss.
Carol: Hi, hi.
Jan: Does anyone want a drink?
Carol: No, I’m good.
Jan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael]
Dwight: Hey, hey.
Michael: Hey. What…
Dwight: Jan’s here.
Kevin: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight: Let’s go.
Billy: It’s all on you, baby. Let’s go.
Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.
Angela: Then roll an eight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Angela: Good luck, Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling]
Kevin: Dwight, let’s keep it going. Let’s keep it going. Let’s go.
Oscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride.
Dwight: Give me the dice!
Pam: “Yeah, right,” what?
Jim: What was this? [Makes face]
Pam: [Laughs] I have good cards.
Pam: Mhmm, And I’m gonna take you all-in.
Jim: Wow. I think you’re bluffing.
Kevin: Yeah, I think she’s full of it.
Jim: Oh. Three nines.
Kevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim: Thank you very much. It was fun.
Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That’s a long drive.
Jan: Well, it’s part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So… Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been…
Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess.
Jan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.
Carol: Well, I’m having a nice time.
Jan: Oh, me too. Me too.
Jim: So, that’s still going on, huh? You and Kelly?
Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!
Dwight: Come on, shooter!
Michael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!
Carol: All right.
Michael: So close. So close.
Dwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson?
Dwight: Super 8?
Jan: No, I…
Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western?
Jan: I didn’t… I don’t know…
Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
Phyllis: Okay, let’s do it.
Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey.
Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn’t matter, it’s just fun to play.
Kevin: Three queens.
Dwight: Nice, very nice.
Phyllis: I have an ace.
Oscar: No, that’s a flush.
Dwight: Oh, man!
Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush!
Phyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?
Kevin: I do not want to talk about it.
Roy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock.
Roy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?
Kevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?
Roy: Whatever. I’m in charge of the music.
Kevin: Dude, you will not be sorry.
Roy: Sweet. All right.
Kevin: All right.
Jim: No, thanks. You having fun?
Jan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.
Jim: Yeah, we all really…
Jan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed
Jim: Well, I think you look great.
Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael?
Jim: Yeah, why did you?
Jan: It was very late, Jim. Very… Very late and… Have you given any more thought to the transfer?
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Jan: Good. Have you told anyone?
Jan: Well, you should.
Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.
Pam: It’s okay. I’ll see you at home.
Roy: Okay. Hey, don’t try to lose too much money, all right?
Roy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?
Jim: Okay, will do.
Roy: See you.
Pam: Bye! Hey.
Jim: Hey, how’s it going?
Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I…
Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I’m feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just… I’m in love with you.
Jim: I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I um… I… I can’t.
Pam: You have no idea…
Jim: Don’t do that.
Pam: …what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can’t. I’m really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It’s probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Michael: Hey, okay.
Jan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud.
Michael: Thank you.
Jan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks.
Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming.
Jan: Nice to meet you.
Carol: You, too.
Jan: And you guys have a good time together.
Michael: Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Michael: Good night. She’s a good boss.
Carol: She seems really nice.
Michael: Oh, she’s great.
Dwight: Do you need anything?
Dwight: Should I get water or donuts?
Dwight: Come on, let’s go. Take a seat.
Oscar: What’s going on, Michael?
Michael: I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors.
Dwight: Office Depot!
Michael: Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]
Dwight: The planet Caprica.
Michael: Where the hell is that?
Dwight: It’s from Battlestar Galactica.
Michael: Okay, all right.
Stanley: I am going back to my desk…
Michael: No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective.
Michael: We already have that. So…
Michael: No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey’s good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun.
Michael: Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn’t so hard. All right, here we go. “Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons.”
Dwight: Yeah, get them, Creed!
Michael: “One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an…” Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we’re… Okay, we’re starting over.
Darryl: Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that?
Michael: Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money.
Michael: Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company’s doing fine.
Darryl: Mike, we’re not shipping as much as we did last year.
Michael: Hey. Okay. You know what? Don’t even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don’t think about it.
Meredith: Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I’ve had sex with.
Meredith’s Vet: I’m your vet.
Meredith: Oh, right.
Meredith’s Vet: And we had sex in the parking lot.