Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Charles McDougall
Kevin: ‘Cause I’m in a band. We really rock.
Phyllis: Yeah, pretty stationery.
Pam: Oh, thanks!
Angela: I didn’t get mine yet.
I.D. Photographer: Off.
Phyllis: Okay… [removes glasses]
Dwight: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis: [leaving the room] Excuse me.
Dwight: Clown paint.
Ryan: Thank you.
Michael: That is… who makes that?
Ryan: Um, I don’t…
Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan: Um… let’s um, let’s keep our clothes.
Michael: [walking into the Conference room] What’s the dealio?
Toby: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer’s back there today.
Michael: What’s the problem?
Toby: It’s just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar: Since Christmas.
Michael: So what, you’re having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Toby: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Toby: It’s like if you write someone a letter, when you’re really angry… they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So…
Michael: Okay… what?
Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael: Yeah, well… that’s not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part… assuming we don’t get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
Angela: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar: What’s the next one?
Michael: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You… you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is – win/win or whatever?
Michael: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar: I don’t like looking at it. It’s creepy, and in bad taste, and it’s just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It’s kitsch. It’s the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I’m talking about the…
Michael: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let’s see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Michael: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.
Angela: That’s… no…
Michael: Okay… well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela: How about, I leave it up?
Oscar: How ’bout, she takes it down?
Pam: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win – make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose – take the poster down, compromise – Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is… make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Angela: But, it…
Michael: [claps his hands twice] It is done!
Creed: Great. [gets up and leaves]
Angela: Oh. Thanks.
Toby: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]
Michael: Are those all the other complains?
Michael: I would like to see those please.
Toby: I… I can’t do that.
Michael: You can’t do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby: That… [shakes head and places hand over the file]
Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby’s resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right… is that it?
Toby: [sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It’s all Dwight’s.
Dwight: Oh, he’s sure. Just shoot.
Photographer: [shoots twice]
Michael: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
Angela: You already did me.
Michael: That’s what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela… you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does “redacted” mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked “redacted”… ?
Toby: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight: Whoa.. wha… wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam: [notices Angela’s intense concern] Um… let’s move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let’s do it! And [looks through the file]… okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam: Wait, what did it say?
Michael: Uh… [reading]”Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn’t she do that at home?” [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don’t we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?
Ryan: My voicemail’s really spotty… sometimes…
Kelly: I didn’t file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby: To your HR representative.
Kelly: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby: Fine, I’ll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know.
Michael: [crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin’ progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?
Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Jim: And I didn’t tell anyone because I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I’m not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight: Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Pam: [gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael: [still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Anglea: I didn’t do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it’s inaudible]
Pam: I find that hard to believe… considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
Stanley: I didn’t say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.]
Michael: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela’s giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael: And… also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley: We sit close.
Michael: Oh… ok.
Jim: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she’s just trying to be friends.
Pam: Don’t take her side.
Jim: [sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam: I don’t know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim: You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Angela: Yes, that’s the problem.
Phyllis: I guess so…
Michael: Okay, well… all settled, then.
Phyllis: [whispering to Angela] I don’t like you.
Kevin: I accept your decision!
Dwight: That doesn’t make any sense.
Jim: Well, it saves time, you know. ‘Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer: [to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat…
Dwight: And my middle name is ‘Kurt’, not ‘Fart’.
Jim: What did I write?
Toby: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Dwight: What box?!
Stanley: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays… [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box]
Michael: Uh. Dwight.
Dwight: Ah… agh… dgh… Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael: Okay! Calm down.
Dwight: No! You calm down! Who’s side is Toby on? Who’s side are you on?
Michael: Hey, hey!
Dwight: Him or me?
Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Dwight: Either he goes, or I go.
Dwight: You choose!
Dwight: One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out]
Michael: Oh… kay…
Dwight: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Dwight: I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael: [picks up Dwight’s I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you’re a security threat?
Dwight: You have till five.
Michael: Okay… you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
Dwight: It’s a good market. Higher volume.
Jim: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight: I have a girlfriend…
Jim: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
Dwight: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael: Maybe, I haven’t decided yet. Let’s get to work.
Dwight: I want an answer by tomorrow.
Michael: Good. Okay.
Photographer: I can’t. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael: Well… that’s… what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer: You mean digital?
Michael: It’ll take like two seconds.
Photographer: 20 bucks.
Michael: Ugh… All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Stanley: You gotta be kiddin’ me.
Michael: Come on, everybody.
Dwight: Come on, let’s go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar… andale! Let’s go.
Michael: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer: Alright, I’m just gonna take it on three… whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]
Michael: Good, let’s check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We’ll take one more.
Photographer: That’ll be another 20.
Pam: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael: [off camera] You just press the button.
Jim: No, Pam.
Pam: [looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It’s about the Save The Date.
Jim: Pam, it wasn’t her.
Jim: I’m the one who complained about you.
Jim: I… I didn’t know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting.
Michael: [off camera] Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim: You know, it was one day.
Michael: [off camera] That’s terrible.
Jim: And I took it right back. It was like…
Phyllis: Oh, dear.
Michael: [off camera] Let’s pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay… we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]
Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.
Jim: Oh, thanks.
Jim: I don’t know.
Dwight: Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?
Jim: Dwight, I really think someone’s probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it.
Dwight: A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It’s not a prank.
Jim: Probably is.
Dwight: Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim’s cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.
Pam: [telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it’s the Sheriff. He said that it’s really important. It’s regarding your desk. I’ll transfer.
Dwight: Oh, no, no, don’t! I can’t… [groans] [telephone ringing]
Jim: Just cut through it, man, it’s no big deal.
Dwight: This is why I’m a Volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy and you’re not.
Jim: That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it’s a murder.
Dwight: No, there’s no blood.
Jim: Maybe poison?
Jim: My God!
Dwight: [exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight’s phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What’s your 20?
Ryan: I know.
Michael: On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.
Dwight: He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.
Photographer: So there were no death threats?
Dwight: Let me see your ID.
Pam: That’s not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?
Photographer: Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?
Dwight: I gave her a higher clearance than you.
Jim: What does Level Red mean?
Dwight: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. [laughing maniacally]
Kevin: No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah.
Dwight: I’m done talking. I am a Schrute. We don’t back down.
Phyllis: You’re arrogant and pompous, and I don’t like you.
Dwight: Yes, sir.
Hank the Security Guard: Good morning. Okay, go ahead.
Dwight: Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on… God!