Written by Jennifer Celotta
Directed by Greg Daniels
Dwight: Thanks, girl.
Kevin: [nods] Hey…
Pam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he’ll look up at me from his desk and he’ll just be someone else. Like he’ll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that’s supposed to be Phyllis. I can’t do it as good as he can.
Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I’m going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I’m gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don’t make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What’s the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let’s do it that way.
Michael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you’re totally harshing the office mellow.
Dwight: I can’t stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim: Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Dwight: I volunteered for this job.
Jim: And that’s not the same.
Dwight: It is my duty…
Jim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty.
Dwight: …to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael: [fake coughing] Narc!
Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Michael: I wasn’t attempting to compliment you.
Dwight: Well, you have…
Michael: Uuf, well…
Dwight: …because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have…
Michael: [shakes head] Okay…
Dwight: …and I am very proud of being a narc.
Michael: Why don’t you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where’s my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, ’cause I was half-baked. Smokin’ doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin’ doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim: Well, your office is behind you.
Michael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Oscar: No, I have not.
Dwight: Do you think it’s possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?
Oscar: Okay. I’m done with this.
Dwight: He sure left in a hurry.
Phyllis: Yes, it’s marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It’s labeled.
Dwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit.
Dwight: No, it’s marijuana.
Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me.
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That’s not how it works.
Jim: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I’m interviewing you.
Jim: No! You said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Dwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise]
Jim: Oh, um…[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC’ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly]
Stanley: Is that supposed to be me?
Jim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam: He does everyone in the office.
Pam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny.
Pam: Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Pam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]
Pam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Jim: [mouths] C’mon!
Pam: Sorry, that’s not my problem.
Jim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
Angela: I understand.
Dwight: Where were you yesterday after work?
Angela: [smiles knowingly]
Kevin: That is so good, Michael
Michael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who’s in trouble?
Michael: Waa… what? What are you talking about?
Dwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Oscar: Is that true, Toby?
Toby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Dwight: No you can’t do that.
Michael: I can do that, it is my office.
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great.
Kevin: I’m not taking Rogaine.
Dwight: Angela, what about you?
Angela: I don’t take any prescription drugs.
Dwight: You’re not on anything?
Angela: [Gives Dwight a knowing look]
Pam: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Kelly: We’re having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no]
Pam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, “Gee, thanks, Pam.”]
Kelly: So, I was looking so hot…
Phyllis: We don’t feel that way.
Angela: No, not at all.
Oscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Michael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, “Hey, you know what, he’s right? What he’s doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.”
Dwight: Thank you, Michael.
Stanley: Where did you get these facts?
Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley: They are not.
Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley: No, I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes it is.
Toby: No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can’t do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That’s not random.
Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I’m going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no]
Pam: Uh, hmmm.
Michael: Jim it’s okay. You can t… [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It’s okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he’s doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It’s okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths “I can’t” and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I’ve been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn’t planning on going to the bathroom and I don’t even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: I’m all better.
Dwight: What kind of filing?
Michael: Just forget it. Just the urine.
Dwight: That goes directly to the tester.
Michael: Just. I need your urine.
Dwight: Like in a cup?
Michael: Yes in a cup, we’re not animals, Dwight.
Dwight: For what purpose?
Michael: It’s none of your business.
Dwight: Then I refuse.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Dwight: Are you serious?
Michael: I need clean urine for the lady.
Dwight: But that’s illegal.
Michael: Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes
Dwight: Not my urine.
Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
Dwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
Michael: No, just look. Look. Just… just fill up the cup.
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You’re not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight: I know that. Don’t you think I know that?
Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I’d still like one.
Dwight: That’s great.
Michael: What’s wrong? Where’s your costume?
Dwight: It’s a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael: Why? Wha…
Dwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Jim: How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam: Ten minutes.
Michael: Yes, sir.
Dwight: That’s fantastic because I’ve always felt that the security here sucked .
Michael: So you wanna? Thanks.
Hank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.
Hank: Here’s your badge.
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun?
Hank: No, I don’t have a gun.
Dwight: Okay, I’ll have to bring in my bow staff.
Hank: I don’t think so.
Dwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael.
Michael: No. Oh. Uh…[awkwardly salutes]
Dwight: I need to go over some details with you.
Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you.
Dwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Dwight: Oh, God.
Pam: Do someone else.
Jim: Um, [gives Pam a look]
Pam: The eyebrow.
Stanley: And what did you say?
Phyllis: I said no.
Phyllis: You’re welcome.
Dwight: Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you’re up.
Dwight: Go ahead. Don’t lie.
Pam: I won’t. It’s just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?
Dwight: No, no, no. It’s okay. Go ahead.
Pam: I know that I shouldn’t have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.
Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.
Dwight: Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let’s go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.
Michael: Exactly. I know. It’s amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or…
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they’re really strong…
Michael: Shut… Shut it. No. Just… Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That… Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don’t! That’s, that’s… Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Phyllis: It’s not me, either.
Michael: No? okay, fine.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I’m gonna get going. I really don’t think I need to be in this meeting.
Michael: Okay, well, I really think that… [dial tone beeping]
Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers’ quarrel.
Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice!
Michael: Okay, let’s get personal for a second, shall we?
Dwight: just drink a lot of water.
Dwight: You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.
Michael: I don’t… Let’s just not talk about it, okay?
Kelly: But then we wouldn’t have any meetings.
Kelly: Okay. Bye, Toby.
Kelly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don’t have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay.
Meredith: Why would I be worried? I’m not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.
Jim: [telephone ringing] [shows note to camera “It’s OK. She’ll call back!”]
Sheriff: He’ll be up. Okay, sure. I’ll get someone down.
Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry.
Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I’m turning in my badge.
Sheriff: Where sis you get that?
Dwight: I got it here.
Sheriff: No. No, you didn’t. we didn’t give you this.
Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can’t wear this anymore.
Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.
Dwight: Oh, don’t worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff’s Department in any way I could.
Sheriff: Right, well… Why don’t you give me a couple examples of ways that you’ve helped us out?
Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance…
Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic…
Sheriff: Mace! You… You’ve been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?
Dwight: I’ve only had to use it once.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: I hate pizza.