Written by Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg
Directed by Ken Whittingham
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are… the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael: You know what? That’s a nice attitude, Ryan, I’m just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? …Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we’re all going to make. It’s not a pyramid scheme, it is a… it’s not even a scheme per se, it’s… [Jim draws a triangle around Michael’s diagram] … I have to go make a call.
Michael: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam: I said happy birthday.
Michael: Thank you! That’s really nice.
Jim: Hey. …Oh, happy birthday.
Michael: Ah, thank you sir.
Kevin: No. I’m still waiting.
Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael: Ohh, god.
Dwight: Birthday hug!
Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please.
Dwight: That suit is amazing.
Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually— no, Bulgaria.
Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.
Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They’ve been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the…
Michael: Don’t! Nope! Please, don’t want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight: Let’s get the party started. [Begins ‘raising the roof’]
Michael: Let’s get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]
Pam: One’s good.
Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I’m sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis: Where do we get those?
Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]
Pam: Michael wants a strippergram?
Dwight: Yes, but he doesn’t want to know when, or whom.
Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting.
Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Michael: Oh, great, put her through.
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hey, you.
Jan: I’m… returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today’s not my birthday, so…
Michael: Really? ‘Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: …Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael: Thanks. [grins]
Jan: Am I on camera?
Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] …You can take a five, if you want.
Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Kevin: They said this afternoon. They’re waiting on a second opinion.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Kelly: Second opinion on what?
Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.
Jim: Kelly, you know what…
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I… guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Oscar: It’s going to be okay.
Angela: You don’t know it’s going to be okay. Don’t give him false hope. …It’s probably nothing, though.
Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman’s pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a… is that alright?
Delivery Woman: Uh… s-sure.
Michael: [laughing] Okay. I’m so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.
Dwight: It’s ‘For the Longest Time,’ by William Joel. It’s you favorite song.
Michael: Yeah, well, it’s on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight: I probably care more than she does.
Michael: You’re making it worse. I bet Luke Perry’s friends don’t treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].
Jim: Sometime today.
Pam: Ohh… poor Kevin.
Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother’s vaginal canal, so… huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God.
Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael: Ohhh, no.
Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael’s birth moment. Kevin!
Oscar: …I’ll do it.
Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can’t… Ryan, come on. Let’s do this.
Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam: …I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim: Maybe, but… we’re gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and…
Dwight: On three, we’re going to hoist away! Ready?
Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]
Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it… please.
Oscar: It wasn’t me.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don’t make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight: F. Alright, what’s the damage?
Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine… sixty.
Michael: Get in here… everybody.
Dwight: Come and get it!
Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
Oscar: What is this?
Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael: The best.
Stanley: These are all the same?
Angela: Bologna? I don’t eat bologna.
Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Michael: Just the bread, it’s fresh baked.
Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.
Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it… is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.
Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you.
Dwight: Oh. I got it.
Angela: What are— it’s… the party planning committee.
Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can’t risk anything.
Dwight: What about that meeting… later… to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes… [whispering] but don’t expect any cookie.
Dwight: [whispering] But what if i’m hungry?
Angela: [whispering] No cookie.
Pam: You use fabric softener?
Jim: Yeah, you don’t?
Pam: No, I do.
Kevin: Hello? Hey.
Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy.
Michael: Are you done? …Good. Okay.
Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael: Uhhh… blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm… [blows out the candles]
Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps]
Michael: … I asked for trick candles.
Dwight: Pam was supposed to get ’em.
Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we’ll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven’t had a hug all day.
Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin’s waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael: … Aww, that… sucks, great. … Wow, that’s good timing. That’s… that’s, sorry, that’s terrible. Terrible news. That’s terrible… terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].
Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just… quit stalling.
Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim: Such a dork.
Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you…
Store Employee: Ma’am? Please don’t touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam: Oh I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Jim: How old are you?
Pam: I hate you.
Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter… also.
Toby: I don’t really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn’t even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn’t speak for everybody and I am your boss, I… think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I’ll just drive myself crazy.
Michael: Well, you’re pretty much driving everyone else here crazy… crazy with worry.
Jim: Well that’s an invasion of privacy, so, I’m going to tell Michael.
Dwight: Please, don’t.
Jim: You… owe me.
Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we’re going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your… birthday?
Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross.
Dwight: I’ll get someone to take it down.
Michael: No, it’s alright. It’s already up. Just leave it. Where’s Kevin? Come on! Let’s get our skate on!
Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Pam: No. [laughs]
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]
Pam: Who is that?
Jim: Is that Michael?
Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin… um, it’s pretty scary. And I’m thinking that uh, next time you’re in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim: …It’s something to think about.
Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin: No, not yet.
Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or…
Carol: Uhh, no, I… don’t just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael: Oh, these… all your kids?
Carol: No just the front two.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?
Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin’ now!
Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.
Michael: Oh… God… [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We’re gonna beat this, okay? We’re gonna… come here [hugs Kevin].
Michael: Okay, who’s this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight: Number one!!
Michael: Thank you… Dwight. That’s great. Thanks.
Pam: This is from all of us.
Michael: Oh! You didn’t need to do that. …Nightswept. This is… really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Michael: That’s not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]
Ryan: I won’t.
Michael: Good. Great.
Ryan: Okay, good. I think I’m gonna go.
Michael: No, I think you’re gonna stay.
Ryan: Hey. I got the information.
Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don’t tell me, tell them.
Ryan: [turns to camera] “The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.”
Michael: Oh, my God. That’s a piece of cake. That’s a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that’s good.
Ryan: [looking at camera] “There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.”
Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.
Ryan: “For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and…”
Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, “I have cancer.”
Ryan: “The skin is the largest organ of the body.”
Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.