Season 2 – Episode 19 “Michael’s Birthday”

Written by Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg
Directed by Ken Whittingham

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are… the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael: You know what? That’s a nice attitude, Ryan, I’m just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? …Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we’re all going to make. It’s not a pyramid scheme, it is a… it’s not even a scheme per se, it’s… [Jim draws a triangle around Michael’s diagram] … I have to go make a call.

Pam: Happy birthday Michael.
Michael: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam: I said happy birthday.
Michael: Thank you! That’s really nice.

Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don’t know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.

Michael: What’s up?
Jim: Hey. …Oh, happy birthday.
Michael: Ah, thank you sir.

Meredith: Did you hear anything yet?
Kevin: No. I’m still waiting.

Michael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah.
Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael: Ohh, god.
Dwight: Birthday hug!
Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please.
Dwight: That suit is amazing.
Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually— no, Bulgaria.
Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.
Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They’ve been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the…
Michael: Don’t! Nope! Please, don’t want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight: Let’s get the party started. [Begins ‘raising the roof’]
Michael: Let’s get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]

Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?
Pam: One’s good.
Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I’m sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis: Where do we get those?
Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]
Pam: Michael wants a strippergram?
Dwight: Yes, but he doesn’t want to know when, or whom.
Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting.

Michael: [answering phone] Yeah?
Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Michael: Oh, great, put her through.
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Michael: Hey, you.
Jan: I’m… returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan: Well, today’s not my birthday, so…
Michael: Really? ‘Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan: …Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael: Thanks. [grins]
Jan: Am I on camera?
Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] …You can take a five, if you want.

Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Michael: Thanks.

Jim: Man, I’m so sorry. When do you find out?
Kevin: They said this afternoon. They’re waiting on a second opinion.
Jim: Oh, okay.
Kelly: Second opinion on what?
Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.
Jim: Kelly, you know what…

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister’s.

Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I… guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Mmm.

Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin: Right.
Oscar: It’s going to be okay.
Angela: You don’t know it’s going to be okay. Don’t give him false hope. …It’s probably nothing, though.

Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman’s pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a… is that alright?
Delivery Woman: Uh… s-sure.
Michael: [laughing] Okay. I’m so nervous.
Pam: I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.

Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids… and… I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me… for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Michael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Dwight: It’s ‘For the Longest Time,’ by William Joel. It’s you favorite song.
Michael: Yeah, well, it’s on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight: I probably care more than she does.
Michael: You’re making it worse. I bet Luke Perry’s friends don’t treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].

Pam: When does he hear?
Jim: Sometime today.
Pam: Ohh… poor Kevin.

Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would… probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And… I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. …It would be a pretty busy week.

Dwight: Uh, that’s a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back… order… [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!
Michael: What?
Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother’s vaginal canal, so… huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God.
Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael: Ohhh, no.
Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael’s birth moment. Kevin!
Oscar: …I’ll do it.
Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can’t… Ryan, come on. Let’s do this.
Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam: …I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim: Maybe, but… we’re gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and…
Dwight: On three, we’re going to hoist away! Ready?
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael: Thank you.
Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]
Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it… please.
Dwight: Oscar…
Oscar: It wasn’t me.

Dwight: Okay, that is not an eight foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don’t make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight: F. Alright, what’s the damage?
Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine… sixty.

Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because… I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight: Here they come.
Michael: Get in here… everybody.
Dwight: Come and get it!
Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
Oscar: What is this?
Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael: The best.
Stanley: These are all the same?
Michael: Yes.
Angela: Bologna? I don’t eat bologna.
Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Angela: No.
Michael: Just the bread, it’s fresh baked.
Angela: No.
Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.

Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn’t even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So… That was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um… a party pack of M&M’s, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won’t get that back.
Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it… is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.

Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer].
Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you.
Dwight: Oh. I got it.
Angela: What are— it’s… the party planning committee.
Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can’t risk anything.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight: What about that meeting… later… to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes… [whispering] but don’t expect any cookie.
Dwight: [whispering] But what if i’m hungry?
Angela: [whispering] No cookie.

Jim: [puts fabric softener into cart] …What?
Pam: You use fabric softener?
Jim: Yeah, you don’t?
Pam: No, I do.
Jim: …Okay.

Office Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin’s phone rings] Happy birthday… [everyone but Dwight stops] …tooo youuuu.
Kevin: Hello? Hey.
Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy.
Michael: Are you done? …Good. Okay.
Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael: Uhhh… blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm… [blows out the candles]
Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps]
Michael: … I asked for trick candles.
Dwight: Pam was supposed to get ’em.
Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we’ll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven’t had a hug all day.
Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin’s waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael: … Aww, that… sucks, great. … Wow, that’s good timing. That’s… that’s, sorry, that’s terrible. Terrible news. That’s terrible… terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].

Pam: [checking watch] We should probably head back.
Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just… quit stalling.
Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim: Such a dork.
Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you…
Store Employee: Ma’am? Please don’t touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam: Oh I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Jim: How old are you?
Pam: I hate you.

Toby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee’s plan? Our health plan is s… just… it’s terrible.
Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter… also.
Toby: I don’t really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn’t even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn’t speak for everybody and I am your boss, I… think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin: If I go home now, I’ll just drive myself crazy.
Michael: Well, you’re pretty much driving everyone else here crazy… crazy with worry.

Dwight: Where have you been? And don’t say the bathroom, ’cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim: Well that’s an invasion of privacy, so, I’m going to tell Michael.
Dwight: Please, don’t.
Jim: You… owe me.
Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we’re going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your… birthday?
Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross.

Michael: [sees ‘Happy Birthday Michael Scott!’ poster at skating rink] That should not be there.
Dwight: I’ll get someone to take it down.
Michael: No, it’s alright. It’s already up. Just leave it. Where’s Kevin? Come on! Let’s get our skate on!

Kelly: Don’t be scared! You’re good! You’re good!
Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Jim: Think you can let go?
Pam: No. [laughs]
Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]
Dwight: YEAH!
Pam: Who is that?
Jim: Is that Michael?

Michael: Yeah, I’ve been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you’re on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Pam: I got it.
Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin… um, it’s pretty scary. And I’m thinking that uh, next time you’re in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim: …It’s something to think about.

Kevin: I can’t relax about it, you know?
Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin: No, not yet.
Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Alright.
Carol: Michael?
Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or…
Carol: Uhh, no, I… don’t just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael: Oh, these… all your kids?
Carol: No just the front two.
Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?
Carol: Sure.
Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin’ now!

Michael: Push. Good! That’s great. You got it. [Kevin’s phone rings] Excuse me.
Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative.
Michael: Oh… God… [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We’re gonna beat this, okay? We’re gonna… come here [hugs Kevin].

Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.

Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.
Michael: Okay, who’s this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight: Number one!!
Michael: Thank you… Dwight. That’s great. Thanks.
Pam: Michael?
Michael: Yeah.
Pam: This is from all of us.
Michael: Oh! You didn’t need to do that. …Nightswept. This is… really amazing. Thank you. I love it.

Pam: Michael’s birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don’t know… It was a good day.

Deleted Scenes

Deleted Scene 1 Jim: Michael’s birthday. It’s pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that’s when we get our work done.

Deleted Scene 2 Dwight: Let’s get the party started.
Michael: That’s not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]

Dwight: Michael’s birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he’s also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he’s ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it’s my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment.

Deleted Scene 3 Michael: Okay, here’s the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, “Hey, it’s my birthday. Celebrate me.” A great boss will say, “Hey, it’s my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.”

Deleted Scene 4 Michael: Good. You know, Ryan, you didn’t have to get me a present.
Ryan: I won’t.
Michael: Good. Great.
Ryan: Okay, good. I think I’m gonna go.
Michael: No, I think you’re gonna stay.

Deleted Scene 5 Michael: On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister’s Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today.

Deleted Scene 6 Kevin: Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away]

Dwight: To think that a man’s skin could turn on him. It’s brilliant, ’cause you’d never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all.

Deleted Scene 7 Michael: [knock on door] Mmm-hmm.
Ryan: Hey. I got the information.
Michael: Oh, good. Okay. Don’t tell me, tell them.
Ryan: [turns to camera] “The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.”
Michael: Oh, my God. That’s a piece of cake. That’s a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that’s good.
Ryan: [looking at camera] “There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.”
Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.
Ryan: “For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and…”
Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, “I have cancer.”
Ryan: “The skin is the largest organ of the body.”
Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.

Deleted Scene 8 Angela: I’m not afraid of dying. I know where I’m going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony.