Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Charles McDougall
Dwight: They are either going to say yes… or no.
Michael: Could go either way. We don’t know what they are going to say.
Dwight: Think it through.
Michael: Have to think it through. Because if they say no…
Jim: Can we not?
Michael: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don’t like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.
Jim: Still want that.
Michael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys… Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
Dwight: Fumble! Yaaah!
Michael: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Michael: You all right Ryan?
Jim: Cugino’s pizza.
Dwight: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?
Pam: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Pam: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Phyllis: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?
Pam: Oh! I… uh… yeah. Um… I’ll uh show them to you later.
Jim: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.
Pam: Ok, cool.
Dwight: Ha! I don’t get it.
Michael: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Dwight: Well, it’s not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um… And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.
Michael: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Michael: That’s because you’re incapable of doing it because you don’t know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there’s no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight: Oh, okay.
Michael: But I can teach you enough so that you don’t embarrass me or the company.
Dwight: Okay, deal! I’ll do whatever you say. No questions asked.
Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Dwight: I’ll try and think of one. When…
Michael: Don’t. Don’t try and think of a question to humor me. Just… try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Jim: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?
Dwight: Saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael: It’s a joke, Dwight. It’s not a Sex Ed class.
Dwight: But I’m right?
Michael: Yeah, you’re right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman… is boobs!
Dwight: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Michael: I do. Both of them.
Dwight: Could I have a copy of one of them?
Michael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn’t matter what you say. It just matters that you’re saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.
Michael: [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations.
Dwight: That is so great about the bonus!
Michael: No, no! It’s not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They’ll eat it up. They’re a great audience.
Phyllis: It’s unbelievable!
Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell is going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael: He’s kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don’t know why because it wasn’t funny… and it was just horrible.
Stanley: You said we were getting bonuses.
Michael: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let’s go. Let’s do it.
Stanley: Cancel wallpaper.
Pam: You mean Toastmasters?
Michael: Pam! I’m public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam: Yeah, the bride doesn’t really do… Have you ever been to a wedding?
Jim: Can I go?
Michael: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Jim: So. Uh… I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I’m going yet. It’s kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
Kevin: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim: What is that?
Kevin: It’s like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.
Toby: Been to Amsterdam.
Michael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That’s not a toast. You’re not standing up.
Toby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam.
Jim: When did you go there?
Toby: Umm… After my divorce. Yeah.
Jim: Really for like how long?
Toby: Uh, about a week. Er… .um… .maybe a month. I uh can’t…
Creed: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.
Jim: Where do I want to go?
Creed: I’d send you to Hong Kong.
Dwight: Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn’t working. Because um I’m not nervous in front of them. They’re my subordinates.
Jim: No. We’re not.
Dwight: Uh, yes you are. I’m Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim: Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight: Michael, can you explain?
Michael: Well, it’s mostly made up. So…
Dwight: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So… no… just leave me alone.
Jim: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Dwight: Oh please! You’re not taking any trip.
Jim: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
Dwight: You did?
Jim: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you’ve got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
Dwight: Yes. I am.
Jim: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Dwight: Which is?
Jim: You’ve got to wave your arms and you’ve got to pound your fists. Many times. It’s supposed to emphasize your point.
Dwight: I’ll glance at it.
Angela: The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Dwight: Thank you, Angela.
Pam: Roy has a connection. It’s nicer than you think.
Ryan: You’re inviting Jim?
Pam: Of course. He’s one of my closest friends.
Kevin: I’ve never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Angela: Well, I’ve seen you take enough for the both of us.
Crowd: [polite clapping]
Michael: Dwight, they called your name.
Speaker: Dwight, how we doing?
Dwight: No, I can’t… I ca…
Michael: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I’m going to cover for you. [shouts] All right!
Michael: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Kelly: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I’ve always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Ryan: Actually, I don’t see myself ever getting married.
Pam: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It’s obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just…
Ryan: I know what I said.
Michael: Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
Dwight: [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we’ve been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime’s struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you’ll understand that it is a privilege to fight!
Dwight: WE ARE WARRIORS!
Crowd: [clapping and cheering]
Dwight: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!
Crowd: [clapping and cheering]
Dwight: [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes!
Jim: Maybe. Thanks.
Ryan: You really think you’re going to go?
Jim: Yeah. I’m definitely going.
Ryan: Nice. Send me a postcard.
Dwight: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty – to change their perception. I say salesmen… and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is…
Crowd: [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping]
Jim: I’m going. I’m a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that… um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
Pam: That’s awesome. Where are you staying?
Jim: I don’t know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but…
Pam: When are you leaving?
Jim: I’m… leaving on June 8th.
Jim: Yeah. And I’m really sorry about that, I just…
Pam: Oh yeah. That’s too bad.
Jim: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Pam: It’s ok. I got it.
Michael: I got thirsty. How’d it go?
Dwight: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
Michael: You would not believe what happened here.
Dwight: What? Something happened?
Michael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Michael: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like ‘I don’t have my ID, please give me one.’ And he was like ‘I can’t do that. I can’t serve you.’
Dwight: Con artist.
Michael: She might have been. So she says ‘Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I’ll show you my ID.’ She hasn’t come back yet. She’s probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Dwight: [imitating ’80s rock]
Michael: That’s it? You’re going to end with “etcetera”? Okay, what’s this big organizational system that…
Dwight: Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?
Michael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.
Dwight: It is?
Michael: It’s your delivery…
Dwight: What is?
Michael: Our biggest worry.
Dwight: I don’t follow.
Michael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That’s why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]
Dwight: Oh, God!
Michael: See, I have your attention now, don’t I? You’re scared, but now you’re ready to learn.
Michael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We’ll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.
Dwight: [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar…
Meredith: Please don’t tell a sailor joke.
Dwight: Oh, why not?
Phyllis: Her nephew’s in Iraq.
Michael: Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.
Pam: Yes, but they are both in danger.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? We need to… All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let’s go.
Phyllis: What are we supposed to talk about?
Michael: Anything your heart desires.
Phyllis: I would like to toast to the good fortune I’ve been having lately…
Michael: [shouting] Louder!
Phyllis: I, uh, I met a man and I’m totally in love, and that’s a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts…
Michael: Good. Good, good, good. That’s good. Now see, that’s not so hard, right? All right. Who’s next? Who are we going to… Ryan. Ryan’s next.
Ryan: Why am I next? I thought we’d go in order?
Michael: Don’t be shy, shy boy. Don’t be shy. Get up there.
Ryan: Well… A lot of you know that I’m in business school. And while I’m learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I’ll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else.
Dwight: All right.
Stanley: Way to go, Ryan!
Michael: Stop! Stop! Stop! That’s, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It’s certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so…
Pam: The ones that say “love” on them?
Ryan: The ones that say “39 cents.”
Pam: Oh. Doesn’t matter.
Ryan: I didn’t think it did.
Pam: As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start.
Ryan: Kelly’s helping?
Pam: Is that okay?
Ryan: Yeah, sure.
Dwight: Oh, no, I don’t think this is it.
Michael: Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.
Dwight: Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I’m so in love with her.
Michael: You’re weird.
Dwight: No, no, no. It’s totally normal, ’cause she’s not a Cylon or anything. She’s just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode.
Michael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don’t know. There we go.