Written by Michael Schur
Directed by Greg Daniels
Delivery man: Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.]
Phyllis: Isn’t he sweet?
Meredith: Yeah. Wow.
Dwight: And you want me to come with you.
Michael: Nope. The opposite of that.
Dwight: I will stay here and run things on this end.
Michael: Ok, good.
Dwight: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you’re in New York?
Michael: I probably will, why do you ask?
Dwight: Well… It’s Valentine’s Day, and you guys, you know…
Michael: What is your problem?
Pam: That’s OK.
Oscar: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Michael: Dude, I’m gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!
Jim: I dunno, it’s on your desk.
Dwight: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?
Jim: It was there when I sat down.
Dwight: [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine’s Day. [pulls out bobble head] It’s me. I’m the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh!
Kelly: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.
Jim: OH, that’s great. I’m really happy for [starts to walk away]
Kelly: And it was so funny ’cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn’t making a move, so in my head I was like “Ryan, what’s taking you so long?” And then he kissed me. And I didn’t know what to say.
Kelly: So I said, “Ryan, what took you so long?” And I just said that to him, can you believe that?
Kelly: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I’m embarrassed.
Jim: No, don’t be.
Kelly: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe.
Jim: I bet.
Kelly: So nervous, but now — now I have a boyfriend.
Jim: Alright. [Kelly squeals]
Pam: Guess what?
Phyllis: Really, Oh, they’re from Bob again.
Pam: That’s great. [Meredith scowls]
Angela: Really? I wouldn’t know anything about that, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Dwight: Oh I did. I did.
Angela: I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day.
Dwight: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.
Angela: Really? Well, I hope I do.
Delivery man: Phyllis Lapin.
Pam: OH, Holy God!
Delivery man: It’s from Bob.
Kevin: Man, that thing’s bigger than I am.
Delivery man: No, it’s not.
Kevin: Oh zip it.
Josh: Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake]
Michael: Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam.
Josh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.
Michael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]
Craig: What’s up buddy?
Michael: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?
Craig: Guilty, yeah.
Michael: So what’s going on? What I miss?
Josh: Not much, they’re uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we’re just waiting for the presentations.
Michael: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and… [awkward silence]
Pam: You can’t fire me, Dwight, just ’cause Michael’s not here.
Dwight: No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room]
Dwight: [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn’t get anything for this particular person – who shall remain nameless – is that she’s not really the kind of person you’d think would be into Valentine’s Day. She’s kind of…
Pam: Tightly wound?
Dwight: (smirking) Exactly.
Pam: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean, like a ham?
Pam: No, not like a ham. It’s about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight: Ok, I get it.
Pam: That you remember her.
Dwight: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]
Craig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said “You gotta fire four people,” and I was just like, “What?” Ya know?
Josh: Did you?
Craig: No, I just ignored her. She’s the worse.
Josh: She is our boss.
Craig: She ain’t my boss dude. I don’t work for that bitch.
Michael: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that’s not. Cool it.
Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Michael: Maybe because she’s my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She’s… we hooked up and…
Josh: You hooked up with Jan?
Michael: You know, months ago, just once, It’s, just stupid. Just forget it,
Josh: Yeah, let’s change the subject.
Michael: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Take it slow. ‘Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need… [Ryan walks in]
Kelly: [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so… do you want to… do something tonight? Or…
Jim: [under breath] Oh, no, not while I’m here.
Kelly: I mean, I know it’s Valentine’s Day, or whatever, but there’s totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So…
Ryan: I can’t tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Kelly: OK, That’s cool. I completely understand.
Ryan: Cool. Cool. OK.
David: David [to Josh and shakes hands]
Josh: Nice to meet you.
Jan: And Michael Scott, Scranton.
David: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan?
Jan: Fine Michael. Thank you.
David: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company’s financial strengths. All I’d like to do today is to…
David: Thanks very much.
Josh: Thank you.
David: OK, Michael.
Michael: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.]
Michael: Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that’s the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we’re not just in the paper business, we’re in the people business. Let’s meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley’s dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark’s of the foundation of the business we’re hoping to build our bases on.
Michael: Yes, thank you.
David: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch’s performance, so do you have that information as well?
Michael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm… [hands over report]
Pam: [delivering plant to Oscar’s desk] Oscar.
Angela: Nothing for me?
Pam: [walks away] Join the club.
Kevin: Whose it from? [to Oscar]
Oscar: My mom. [puts card in pocket]
Jim: You know what? Here’s the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It’d be great, but he isn’t.
Kelly: Yeah, it would be so great if he was.
Jim: Well, he’s not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight.
Kelly: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves]
Jan: OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig,
Craig: Yeah. Here’s the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on… like report or whatnot.
Jan: Um, I’m sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?
Craig: I was under the impression this was, more of like… a meet and greet type deal.
David: So, does that mean you don’t have the numbers on your branch?
Craig: That is correct, yes.
Jan: Craig, you realize that we’re trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?
Craig: Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
Jan: Well, the point is, is that doesn’t exactly bode well for your branch.
Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn’t get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.]
Jan: NO, NO I’m not, I’m not, I just… I just don’t know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we’re all gonna get fired.
Michael: No you’re not.
Jan: Yeah, Michael – the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can’t believe that you told everybody and we didn’t even sleep together.
Michael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So…
Jan: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It’s over. Do you understand?
Michael: Yes. I’m sorry. I will fix this. I’ll talk to him. I’ll talk to David.
Jan: Surely, you cannot be serious?
Michael: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley. Airplane.
Roy: You almost ready to go?
Pam: I guess, yeah.
Roy: What’s wrong?
Pam: Nothing, it’s just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy: What, you’re mad at me?
Pam: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you’d get me something for Valentine’s Day.
Roy: Well, Valentine’s Day isn’t over. Let’s get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life.
Michael: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here’s the deal. It’s my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]
David: You made a joke?
Michael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]
David: Well I don’t need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss…
Michael: I know. It was borderline at best and… And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I’m really sorry. It will never happen again.
Jan: Uh, that’s fine. Let’s just forget it.
David: Good. [Michael leaves office]
Jim: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day.
Pam: Bye. [Jim leaves]
Phyllis: Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.]
Pam: Night Phyllis.
Michael: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Jan: Oh, no, it’s OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine’s Day.
Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]
Kevin: Not really, my fiance is out of town.
Pam: Where is she?
Kevin: I’m not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn’t tell me.
Creed: Okay, you take it easy, ace.
Oscar: Here you go, Creed.
Creed: Hey, thanks, ace.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: So, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?
Pam: I’m gonna spend it with my fiance.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Okay.
Pam: What are you guys doing?
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He’s gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2]
Dwight: Okay, okay. That’s enough.
Dwight: Come on, break this up.
Michael: Great. Thank you.
Receptionist: All right.
Dwight: None of your business. I’m writing something.
Jim: You’re writing something?
Dwight: Forget it. I’ll look it up myself.
Dwight: No, you know what? You do it.
Jim: No, I’m not gonna do that.
Dwight: Uh, yes, I’m in charge. You have to. Look it up.
Jim: But I know how to spell it.
Dwight: So tell me.
Jim: Only if you tell me what you’re writing.
Dwight: Forget it. I’ll do it. But you’re getting written up.
Jim: So now you’re writing two things?
Oscar: That’s great, man.
Michael: You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing.