Written by B.J. Novak
Directed by Dennie Gordon
Michael: [knocks] Hey, what’s going on?
Jan: Michael… I thought we agreed you wouldn’t be here.
Michael: Yeah… I… You know what… I… I… I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan: What are you doing?
Michael: Hold… Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today’s woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads…
Michael: No, just uh… you have come a long way, baby. But I just… just want to keep it within reason.
Michael: They did this up in Albany…
Jan: You are not allowed in this session.
Michael: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so…
Jan: Now you’re really not allowed in this session.
Michael: Well, I’m their boss, so I feel like…
Jan: I’m your boss.
Michael: [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or…
Jan: We’re fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please.
Jan: Yes, Pam?
Pam: Michael’s still at the door.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they’re going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Michael: That’s what I’m talking about!
Jan: I don’t know what you’re doing here, Michael,
Michael: Just having a little ‘guys in the workplace’ thing.
Jan: … but it’s very destructive.
Michael: Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
Michael: We have nowhere else Jan. This…
Dwight: We could do it in the warehouse.
Jan: Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.
Michael: OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There’s another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there’s another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man’s work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.
Jan: Please? Thank you. very much.
Darryl: My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Michael: You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There’s Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And… uh, she’s our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.
Michael: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina… Roy…
Roy: I don’t understand.
Michael: Roy and Pam. It’s a Ram. It’s a Ram thing.
Kevin: [talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he’ll try to beat you up.
Jim: Thanks for the head’s up, Kev.
Kevin: I’ve got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.
Meredith: Hi. I’m Meredith and I’m an alch… good at supplier relations.
Jan: Great. Phyllis?
Phyllis: I’m good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that.
Angela: [disbelieving] Really?
Phyllis: I don’t know. I thought that I wasn’t going to be asked that…
Jan: No. Okay. Stop. Go on…
Angela: I’ve seen some of your spreadsheets.
Phyllis: Really? I thought they were pretty…
Jim: Oh, no, no. No.
Roy: No, it’s cool, because I know you’re a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so… you know. We’re cool, right?
Jim: Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.
Roy: You know, it’s great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She’s not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home.
Jim: Yeah. I like talking to her too.
Roy: So, we’re cool, right?
Jim: Yes. Yeah.
Roy: All right.
Jim: Yep. Cool, man.
Kevin: [blows a sigh of relief]
Michael: Oh… well… okay… yeah, you know what? I don’t think… You.. You’re… My job sucks compared to this. I don’t think you’d like it up there.
Darryl: The experience…
Michael: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Jan: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith: Four and a half.
Kelly: I’ll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Jan: Great! Uh-huh?
Kelly: I want an SUV… with three rows of seats.
Women: [general murmuring of agreement]
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Michael: Hey, you’re going to, going to hurt yourself.
Michael: Stand clear.
Darryl: Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.
Michael: I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m fine.
Darryl: Look, would ya… look.
Michael: Oh, oh, oh! We’ll get somebody to clean that up.
Darryl: We’re the ones that got to clean that up!
Lonny: Dammit, Michael!
Michael: We ought to have this thing serviced.
Madge: Hey, do you want me to go?
Michael: No, why? Why would I… ? You could…
Madge: I’ll go.
Michael: Stay or…
Meredith: Oh, that’s part of my dream too.
Kelly: Oh, me too.
Jan: Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?
Pam: Well… I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it… stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um… More seriously though, a husband that I love… Roy. And I love to draw. And I… I did a little in college and I’d still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.
Phyllis: She’s real good.
Jan: You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.
Pam: Well… I have a job right now, so I can’t really take time off…
Jan: Well, it’s only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I’m sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.
Pam: Well… it’s just that the weekends aren’t good because, um…
Jan: There are always a million reasons not to do something.
Darryl: My priority is safety.
Darryl: So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.
Michael: OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh…
Darryl: Uh uh uh. Don’t shush me.
Michael: I… That was just…
Darryl: That bothers me too.
Michael: I was breathing.
Roy: Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
Michael: I hate shushing. You know, that’s the thing! What the… ok… what is our beef as human men.
Lonny: You know that’s a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?
Michael: OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That’s what guys do… and we love it.
Guy: I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement]
Darryl: I hate that too.
Kevin: That sucks so much.
Guy: It totally sucks.
Dwight: Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like “Gas ain’t free!”
Lonny: Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We’re not millionaires.
Michael: I feel you.
Darryl: No, you don’t. You don’t feel us. How can you? You know what?
Dwight: Not literally.
Darryl: You say we’re the same, but we get compensated very differently.
Darryl: We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder
Michael: Ah, you do. So…
Darryl: But we get paid a lot less.
Roy: Like next to no benefits.
Michael: I know. God! What is that?
Michael: It blows. It blows, man. Gah…
Darryl: You know this would not happen if we had a union.
Roy: That’s what I’m talking about.
Michael: No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.
Darryl: That’s what we need.
Guy: You know you’re right.
Darryl: Man, see… That’s what I’ve been sayin’, man. We need to do this finally.
Michael: You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union… of guys.
Darryl: It’s more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker’s Union?
Roy: In my truck.
Darryl: Man, hook you up.
Men: [generalized clapping]
Guy: Come on, man.
Michael: Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
Darryl: Union! Union, yeah.
Michael: The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Darryl: Are you with us Mike?
Darryl: Welcome to the warehouse.
Group chant: Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi…
Michael: [knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna… Can I help you? Um… I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points…
Jan: What? A union! What…
Michael: Don’t get hysterical.
Jan: I’m not…
Jan: The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think… the… pros… are… here?
Michael: Don’t talk to me that way please. Just… they’re going to want to hear this from you.
Jan: You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out.
Michael: But we’re bonding down there!
Jan: That’s too bad.
Michael: I mean I just don’t want to have to tell them something they’re not going to want to hear.
Jan: I don’t want to…
Michael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we’ve been through…
Jan: Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael: We have a history…
Michael: …between us.
Jan: Don’t say another word.
Michael: I won’t
Jan: Get yourself down stairs.
Michael: I’m just saying we have something… Ok. Whatever.
Stanley: This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs.
Jan: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait… that should mean better, that doesn’t make sense.
Kelly: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
Jan: Excuse me?
Kelly: I mean that’s a baseball term, right?
Jan: I don’t know what Michael was talking about. I don’t know.
Jan: [in the background] Kelly, I don’t know what Michael’s talking about.
Kelly: [in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term…
Pam: How’s it going down there?
Jim: It’s a complete… well, actually it’s exactly what you’d expect, so… How are the girls?
Pam: Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.
Jim: Did you really?
Pam: No. [laughs]
Pam: Um… but hey? Something kind of cool. There’s this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great.
Jim: Nice. Well, what’s it all about?
Jim: I think you should do it. That’s great!
Pam: It’s really cool.
Jan: I’m divorced.
Phyllis: That must have been hard.
Jan: It was. Yes.
Kelly: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that’s why you did that thing with Michael.
Jan: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Phyllis: Mmmm, I think we’re all okay with the balance we’ve struck.
Angela: At least you don’t have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Jan: Okay. Let’s take five. I think we can all use five.
Kelly: How can someone so beautiful be so sad?
Jan: Did you take care of the situation?
Michael: Yuh, yuh, yes! I… I have essentially…
Jan: Excuse me.
Michael: I have essentially. Yes. I’ve taken some…
Jan: Excuse me. I’ve been told there’s been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he’s not a friend of yours because he didn’t tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to… to Michael.
Pam: How did you know?
Jim: Why not?
Pam: Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.
Jim: Come on.
Pam: Roy’s right. There’s no guarantee it’s going to lead to anything anyway.
Jim: Roy said that.
Pam: What? You have something you want to say?
Jim: You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?
Pam: Oh, excuse me! I’m fine with my choices!
Jim: You are?
Darryl: This is not a good idea right here.
Michael: You did uh… okay.
All the Men: Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah.
Michael: Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship.
Darryl: Hey Michael. This ain’t over.
Pam: You did?
Michael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I’m a little overwhelmed.
Michael: There’s a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Michael: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]
Pam: How about that one?
Michael: No, no. [blues piano playing]
Jim: Oh, that one was good.
Michael: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, “I am so lame.” Know which one I want? There’s one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It’s like… [imitating jackhammer] You know what I’m talking about?
Jim: Do you mean vibrate?
Dwight: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.
Dwight: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!
Michael: What are you guys talking about?
Dwight and Roy: [at the same time] Guns.
Roy: How’s that union stuff coming?
Michael: Working on it.
Michael: All right.
Darryl: That’s my office.