Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Victor Nelli, Jr.
Jim: Oh, nothing.
Jim: Oh, nothing.
Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus…?
Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Pam: It was great.
Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
Michael: Wow! What happened in there?
Pam: I don’t know.
Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is… what is that?
Pam: [looking at pile on Michel’s carpet] Oh… I don’t know.
Michael: Is it a bird?
Pam: No, I don’t think it’s a bird.
Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could… right in the middle of the carpet.
Kevin: What’s goin’ on?
Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.
Kevin: [taking a look] I don’t think that’s vomit.
Michael: Check it out.
Michael: Check it out. Don’t be a wuss, just get… no, I’m not holding your coffee.
Kevin: Oh, that’s ridiculous.
Michael: What is it?
Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door]
Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is.
Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I … I … I gotta get outta here. I can’t hold my breath that long.
Pam: Open the door up!
Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
Toby: That’s no burst pipe.
Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then?
Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin’ soup?
Dwight: [coughing] It’s still stinky.
Michael: That is worse.
Dwight: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.
Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?
Pam: A little.
Jim: Good! What’s goin’ on here?
Pam: [giggles at Roy]
Michael: [sitting at Jim’s desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael: Oh… It’s …
Jim: But there’s definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah …
Jim: …which I guess I’ll be taking.
Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don’t mind sharing.
Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I’ll be in the back.
Kelly: Are you moving back here?
Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael’s at my desk.
Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim: Allergy to… the desk?
Kelly: [shaking head] Weird.
Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha… the old bullpen.
Michael: Don’t ape me.
Michael: This is great.
Michael: The pressures of my office are insane.
Dwight: [agreeing] Mm.
Michael: I just… you couldn’t understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.
Dwight: No way!
Dwight: And who had your office?
Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Dwight: I thought he was out on the road.
Michael: He was, but, uh… that desk was empty. He’d come in and sit there sometimes.
Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can’t wait until I’m off the phone with a customer?
Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay.
Michael: Charley horse!
Michael: Charley horse!
Creed: You shouldn’t have hit me, Michael.
Michael: Oh, okay. Gah.
Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim: It’s the lever on the side.
Ryan: That’s what I told him. Thanks. [leaves]
Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim: No, I don’t think I can…
Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He’s so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I’m too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please…
Dwight: [whispering] Michael.
Michael: Let’s send up Accounting.
Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
Oscar: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Ahem. What’s up?
Oscar: Hey, Dwight.
Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants’ files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!
Dwight: Yeah! [laughing]
Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]
Dwight: Should we help ’em pick up their stuff?
Michael: No, no, no, no. We don’t do that. We don’t do that.
Michael: Watch out, Pam. You’re next!
Pam: You’re gonna throw my things on the ground?
Dwight: Jethro Tull…
Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don’t. Don’t.
Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael: All right.
Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller?
Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.
Pam: Yeah, right.
Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President’s Day or something.
Pam: Yeah, that’s right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.
Angela: We haven’t finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Michael: I’m just walking around.
Angela: Were you?
Michael: Well, yeah.
Oscar: It’s just that we’re really swamped over here, Michael.
Michael: Oh, and I’m not? Why would you say that? Because I’m having fun? You guys just are workin’ for the weekend, aren’t you? I’m workin’ for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I’m gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I’m going to … [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] … I’m gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim’s clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let’s see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis: You’re gonna compete against us?
Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
Dwight: It is so on!
Michael: God, this is gonna be fun.
Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What… What’s that? Whatcha doing?
Michael: [stops dance] Nothing.
Roy: [laughing] I think he’s dancing.
Michael: No. Just …
Darryl: That was definitely not dancing.
Michael: You know what, guys? It’s none of your concern. It was official business, so just…
Darryl: Paper business.
Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done?
Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]
Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael’s earshot]
Pam: That doesn’t seem fair.
Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I’ll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just… I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight: But you’re the one who picked today.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talkin’ about.
Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I… you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we’d be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished.
Pam: What’s our punishment?
Michael: You’re all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring]
Ryan: What’s up?
Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It’s actually little awkward.
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don’t know. Depends if you like a little junk in … [notices camera] Umm… She’s really cool.
Jim: Are you interested in her?
Ryan: Yeah, totally.
Ryan: Did she say something?
Jim: She said lots of things.
Ryan: Do you know if she’s looking for a long-term thing or if she’d be cool just hangin’ out?
Jim: I have no idea.
Ryan: Can you find out?
Jim: Yeah. Sure.
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How’s he doing?
Michael: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: [sighs] I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don’t wanna be up there right now.
Ed: So, what’s the problem with my pension?
Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You’re good. It was clerical. You’re good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed: Well, what was done?
Michael: I didn’t get a good look at… it, but it smells horrible.
Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed: You can’t expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael: Well… s-sure I can.
Ed: No. They’ll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed: I’m not sure that ever happens.
Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed: Why can’t your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I’m looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin’?
Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael: Uh… no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Packer: Left it in the middle of your office.
Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy: You mean the thing?
Packer: [laughs uproariously]
Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh!
Packer: Special delivery!
Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you’re… you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar… Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!
Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It’s Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael’s there and it’s horrible. Anyway, I’m bored. Come back!
Kelly: That hotel, it looks so romantic.
Jim: Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing.
Kelly: I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually.
Jim: Just give me one second. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.
Jim: So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right?
Jim: And then you just changed desks, right?
Jim: To one without a cubicle.
Jim: So, you just couldn’t take it anymore, huh?
Toby: What are you talking about?
Jim: So, that’s how it’s gonna be.
Dwight: [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So…
Stanley: …cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye.
Phyllis: 20 cartons of it’s coming, on it’s way.
Michael: What’s going on? Anything here?
Michael: Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or…
Stanley: A sale.
Michael: Ah. Small?
Stanley: Just big.
Michael: Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or…
Michael: What was that?
Michael: You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you?
Dwight: You’re the one who trained me, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?
Dwight: You most certainly did not.
Michael: No, I did not.
Dwight: What can I do better?
Michael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke.
Dwight: I’m not good at jokes.
Michael: Do you know a joke?
Dwight: My cousin Mose told me a joke.
Michael: Call a client right now.
Michael: And tell him the joke.
Dwight: I will.
Michael: Strike while the iron’s hot. A joke always works.
Dwight: [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please.
Michael: Just sell it.
Dwight: [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I’m calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can’t think? A nun who has a beet for a head. … No, I’m Catholic, too.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: [on the phone] I understand.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I…
Michael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line.
Dwight: [on the phone] Humor works in…
Michael: The old one two. Let’s do it.
Dwight: [on the phone] …crazy ways. I’m going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It’s Howard Gruber.
Michael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he’s a little… Little dim. He’s the janitor’s brother, so…
Dwight: That’s not true.
Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can’t even find their way to work? That is Dwight.
Dwight: [whispering] He’s my best customer.
Michael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper.
Dwight: But that’s my sale. This is my sale, Michael!
Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I’m glad it timed out that way.
Darryl: Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo’fo, mo’fo.
Roy: You ready?
Darryl: Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you’ve got to drink.
Angela: You could out-sell Michael any day.