Written by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky
Directed by Dennie Gordon
Pam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God.
Michael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where’s the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Michael: What’s up-dog?
Jim: Nothin’ much what’s up with you?
Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that’s brilliant!
Stanley: I’m on the phone.
Ryan: What’s that?
Michael: I don’t know, nothin’, what’s up with you?
Michael: [low] No, damn it!
Michael: What does what mean?
Kevin: The thing you just said?
Michael: Just forget it.
Dwight: What’s up-dog?
Michael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin’ how ya doing?
Dwight: Good. How are you doing?
Jim: [mouthing] So close.
Michael: [low] Damn it.
Dwight: Empty mind.
Michael: No, that’s not… no, that’s not what I was going to say.
Angela: He’s out sick.
Dwight: That’s unacceptable.
Angela: I agree it’s unacceptable. [longing look]
Kevin: Whhh… What are you guys doing?
Dwight: Oscar is out sick.
Michael: On a Friday? [Dwight nods]
Michael: I will do all the talking.
Dwight: Ok, let him know that I’m here.
Michael: What difference does it make whether your here?
Michael: Hi, Oscar its Michael.
Dwight: And Dwight.
Michael: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?
Oscar: Yeah I think I came down with the flu.
Michael: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it’s cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Oscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.
Dwight: Ask him his symptoms. I’m on Web M.D.
Michael: What are your symptoms?
Oscar: I have the chills.
Michael: Umm, hmmm.
Oscar: I feel nauseous and my heads killing.
Dwight: Checks out.
Oscar: Michael is there anything you need from me? I’d like to go back to bed.
Michael: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you’re still sick. So have a great long weekend.
Oscar: I’ll just be sleep— [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish]
Dwight: Ok. First impressions?
Michael: He sounded sick.
Dwight: Which is exactly how you’d wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Michael: That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight: Question? May I investigate?
Michael: Yeah. Drop what you’re doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can’t function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Kelly: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?
Kelly: Listen, you don’t have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?
Pam: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don’t know, like loose with big curls and…
Kelly: You’d look like an angel. I’m seriously going to cry.
Michael: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don’t you wear your hair like that all the time. It’s much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you.
Michael: Hey Jim-bag.
Jim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That… was… personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.
Jim: Umm, hmm.
Michael: Who else knows?
Jim: Alright. Great. Thank you.
Michael: [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us…
Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight: Do you think? Or do you know?
Ryan: I think.
Dwight: [low] Oh God, here.
Jim: I’m going with grape.
Michael: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?
Jim: Which one?
Michael: Any of em? So, uh, what’s the 411? Any news on the “P” situation?
Jim: I don’t know what you mean.
Michael: P-A-M. P-A
Jim: Uh, uh, ok.
Michael: No it’s okay, we’re talking code.
Stanley: What is?
Michael: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Jim: I’m going to take off actually.
Michael: Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding?
Michael: [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You’re going to hate it.
Jim: Tony the tiger. You don’t hear that much any more.
Michael: Not so much.
Dwight: Ok, what is going on here?
Dwight: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight: Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Jim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Dwight: Is that true?
Michael: Um, I don’t know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
Dwight: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
Dwight: I can tell. I won’t let you down.
Michael: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin’ for lunch?
Jim: I don’t know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
Michael: Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim’s desk], no way, no. Why don’t, why don’t I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Jim: No, that’s alright, thank you though. It’s, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.
Michael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some ‘za. Talk about you know who.
Jim: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let’s go out. That was a good idea. Let’s go out.
Michael: I know just he place.
Dana: Hey I’m Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
Michael: We’re not worthy. We’re not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
Jim: Nope we’re not brothers.
Michael: I’m his boss actually. And I treat him well. I’m taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Jim: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.
Dana: And for you?
Michael: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?
Dana: Oh, it’s great. It’s served with our world famous wing sauce.
Michael: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]
Dana: Is that what you really want?
Michael: No, I’m gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Pam: That’s a communal bowl.
Dwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don’t know.
Dwight: Sniffling how?
Pam: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?
Pam: Ok, it was the second one.
Dwight: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn’t so hard now was it?
Jim: Uh, I really don’t want to talk about it.
Michael: Is it her boobs, or…
Jim: Um, she’s easy to talk to I guess and she’s got a really good sense of humor.
Michael: Never get’s any of my jokes.
Jim: What about you?
Michael: Her boobs, definitely.
Jim: Wow, that’s not what I meant.
Dana: Here you go.
Michael: Oh, thank you.
Dana: And I understand we have a birthday today.
Michael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Dana: Ready girls? Front side.
Hooter’s Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about. Whoo, hoo!
Jim: Thank you.
Michael: Woo! Yeah!
Jim: Thanks, thanks Dana.
Michael: Thank you very much.
Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature.
Pam: I hate you.
Michael: Just go to his house and see if he’s sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Dwight: Including prep time?
Michael: Just do it.
Kevin: Michael is that a wig?
Michael: No. It’s… I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Angela: This is from Hooters.
Michael: Yeah, it’s a business lunch.
Angela: Did Toby approve this?
Michael: No he did not. I don’t need his permission.
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Toby: I’m not processing this.
Michael: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?
Toby: He seems fine to me.
Michael: You’re not his friend, you don’t know. He is in love with a girl he works with who’s engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?
Angela: It’s nobody’s business, Phyllis. Roy.
Creed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?
Kevin: Well she’s the… Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Michael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam… and me.
Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.
Jim: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam: Big day.
Jim: Big day.
Jim: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It’s so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Jim: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.
Jim: And seriously, it’s totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.
Pam: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Jim: Oh you did?
Pam: No, I mean, just ’cause we like got along so well.
Jim: No, no, you saw through me, great.
Pam: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?
Jim: Oh yeah, yeah… hope that’s okay.
Pam: Mmm, hmm.
Jim: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.
Gil: Who’s this?
Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight: How bout this. I don’t tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Michael: I know, I know, I know.
Jim: Umm, what happened?
Michael: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just… I know. I’m just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn’t affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.
Jim: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it’s, you know what. It’s not a big deal.
Michael: Ok, I’m fine, no I know, I’m good, I’m good, it’s just.
Jim: Look its one day, everything’s gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?
Michael: Yeah I’m good.
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No, that was mandatory.
Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Michael: Yeah I’m fine. Look, about you and Jim.
Pam: Oh, no, that’s, you don’t have to.
Michael: No, I feel it’s my responsibility as your boss slash friend.
Pam: No, really, it’s okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.
Michael: It wasn’t that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I’m done. That’s it. I’m out.
Pam: No thanks. You got a package.
Michael: Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs]
Dwight: He totally misses,
Michael: No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that’s much harder to do.
Dwight: Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This’ll be much harder.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I don’t want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael’s desk]
Michael: All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie.
Dwight: Jack Nicholas.
Michael: It’s a celebrity tournament.
Dwight: [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]
Michael: Do you see it?
Dwight: Oh, man, it’s really back there.
Michael: Do you feel it?
Dwight: Yeah. I can barely…
Michael: [mug falls off Michel’s desk and smashes on the floor] God… damn it, Dwight! That’s great.
Dwight: Should I clean out my desk?
Michael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won’t be necessary.
Dwight: If they’re the worker bees, you’re the Queen bee.
Michael: No, I am the King bee,
Dwight: Queen’s higher.
Michael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee.
Michael: Keep. I will finish that later.
Ryan: It’s from ’99.
Michael: Yeah, I know when it’s from, Ryan.
Ryan: 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.” Michael wrote, “Judd?”
Ryan: Everything seems pretty much under control.
Dwight: Yeah. Well, I’d hate to see it blow up in your face.
Ryan: How would…
Dwight: Let’s table that. So, temp… You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar.
Ryan: Not really.
Dwight: Getting defensive?
Dwight: You seem a little nervous. You shouldn’t be.
Michael: Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday.
Jim: Wow. Thanks.
Michael: You’re welcome.
Jim: No, you what, seriously, you should have it.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it’ll be hysterical.
Jim: Oh, tomorrow, that’s gonna be tough ’cause I already laid out my outfit, so…
Michael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You’d better try it on, make sure it fits.