Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Dwight: Hello. Jim?
Jim: What’s up, buddy?
Dwight: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim: Wow, that’s weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that’s pretty good.
Dwight: Yeah, well, I’m not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you’re friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim: Who, Steve?
Dwight: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.
Pam: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want… Oh, it’s a pencil cup.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. That’s my pencil cup.
Pam: Um, I don’t think so, I just bought it.
Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you’re going to hand it over to me.
Pam: I love these.
Dwight: Okay, fine. Where’s my wallet?
Jim: Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight: But I don’t have any…
Jim: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.
Dwight: [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five…
Dwight: Good morning, Michael.
Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael: Ah! Ha ha ha!
Jim: “It’s time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.”
Pam: A ski mask and a swimsuit.
Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam: And brush our teeth.
Michael: Stanley! Bo banley.
Stanley: I need to know…
Michael: Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley: What we’re doing.
Michael: Be my mo manley.
Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush.
Stanley: Is this an overnight?
Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn’t it?
Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she’s not coming in tomorrow?
Michael: Maybe, I don’t know.
Stanley: Not maybe. Yes or no.
Michael: Well, no. But… okay, don’t spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley: In January?
Michael: It’s cheaper.
Meredith: All right!
Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael: No. This is mandatory. But don’t worry, you know what? You’re gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan: I’m already in business school.
Michael: Well, this…
Kelly: Wait, Michael?
Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael: To throw you off the scent.
Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly: I took the tags off already.
Michael: Well, that’s not my fault, okay? Just.. we’re not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you’re all thinking, “Who is this smart little cookie?” Her name is Brenda… something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let’s not get hung up on the furnace. This just… it’s the sales… I see the sales department down there. They’re in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Jim: I’m not really sure what movie you’re talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Pam: I think you’re thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Michael: No, I’m Leo DiCaprio! Come on!
Michael: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They’re happy down there in the furnace room. And they’re dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they’re singing their ethnic songs, and… actually, that might be warehouse.
Michael: The… no, no. No, I didn’t… okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I’m saying is… leadership. We’ll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight: Aye aye, Captain.
Captain Jack: Actually, I’m the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael: I’d rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I’m also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Captain Jack: Okay! So…
Michael: Okay! So…
Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers.
Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.
Michael: But don’t worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it’s very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We’re gonna get it going in just a few minutes here…
Michael: I’m your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna…
Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don’t mind…
Michael: Rock it!
Captain Jack: Please, okay?
Michael: If the boat’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’!
Captain Jack: Michael.
Captain Jack: Your company’s employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael: We’re all gonna have a good time tonight!
Captain Jack: Why don’t you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep.
Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader?
Roy: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!
Katy: That’s hilarious.
Jim: It’s not hilarious, but…
Roy: Where did you go to school?
Katy: Bishop O’Hara.
Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You… you really look familiar. Did you… you cheered for them, didn’t you?
Jim: Um, no.
Katy: Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We’re the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Roy: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!
Brenda: Yeah. Everybody’s really nice.
Michael: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation?
Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so… right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we’re doing the limbo! That’s right, partiers, it’s time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael: So, okay.
Dwight: Limbo, whoo!
Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who’s it gonna be?
Captain Jack: Okay…
Dwight: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh… usually it’s a woman.
Dwight: I’m stronger.
Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
Michael: But before that, I have to do my presentation.
Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest!
Michael: All right, we’ll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!
Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight: I can’t. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!
Roy: Whoo! Who’s next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!
Pam: No, I’m not going to do that.
Roy: Come on!
Darryl: That’s what I’m talking about!
Pam: Hey, why don’t we find like a quieter place to hang out?
Roy: I’ve just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl!
Jim: Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Pam: Sometimes I just don’t get Roy.
Pam: I mean, I don’t know. So… what’s it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim: Oh, um… [A long silence.]
Pam: I’m cold.
Michael: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Captain Jack: Women and children.
Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Captain Jack: That’s a stupid analogy.
Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don’t know anything about leadership.
Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Dwight: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He’s let me steer the ship for the last hour.
Pam: Uh, I’ve been engaged for three years, and there’s no end in sight. So… you don’t wanna ask my advice.
Jim: Um… let’s see, uh… The customer. Because the customer is king.
Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Captain Jack: He’s just sucking up!
Roy: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?
Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn’t thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.
Roy: No, it was Captain Jack.
Michael: Well… could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!
Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!
Michael: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael: Then I’ll give you away!
Pam: No, thank you.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim: I don’t know. Let’s break up.
Katy: Whoa. What?
Michael: Captain Jack is a fart face. I’m on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It’s time to be boss. It’s time to motivate. Let’s blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We’re going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it’s my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren’t enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It’s a scary… it’s a…
Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Michael: It’s a predicament, and it’s something that each and every one of us has to think about.
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it’s nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn’t count.
Jim: That’s… great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so…
Michael: Really? You’re kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan…
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She’s really funny, and she’s warm. And she’s just… well, anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don’t give up.
Jim: She’s engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain’t married.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
Michael: It’s a fake wheel, dummy.
Kelly: Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag.
Oscar: Where do you guys think we’re going?
Kelly: Definitely some place you can swim.
Phyllis: Maybe Florida.
Kelly: Did you hear something?
Jan: Hello, Michael.
Jan: Can we come in?
Michael: Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jan: Thank you very much.
Michael: Have a seat.
Michael: Oh, every man’s dream.
Jan: Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?
Michael: Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it’s a booze cruise, but it… There’s more to the story than that. It…
Jan: A booze cruise? What do you mean?
Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme…
Jan: Michael, we discussed the IRS’s regulations.
Michael: Yeah, I don’t even know why I said booze cruise. I don’t even think there’s booze on the boat.
Jan: Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible.
Michael: Of course.
Jan: We discussed that.
Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people’s lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.
Jan: Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training.
Jan: I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches.
Michael: Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That’s… You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
Michael: Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Brenda: I mean, no.
Jan: Okay, you know, I’m gonna go now, and…
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Good luck, Brenda.
Michael: I’ll see you later.
Jan: Okay, see you later. And try to be professional.
Michael: I’ll call you later.
Jan: No, that’s all right.
Michael: That’s like…
Jan: You call me if you need anything, Brenda.
Michael: I’ll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.
Oscar: I don’t know what the categories are of workers on a boat.
Michael: I’m not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And…
Dwight: Oh, oh, can I be the first mate?
Michael: No, I’m first mate. You’re second mate. I’m first mate, as the captain.
Pam: How about the anchor?
Michael: Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well… [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he’s awful.
Brenda: Yeah, I know Toby from Jan’s birthday.
Toby: Hey, Brenda.
Michael: Oh, hey, Toby. So… It’s an analogy.
Toby: I got lost.
Captain Jack: We can go back.
Michael: No, no, no. That’s his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!
Toby: I guess I shouldn’t have stopped for dinner.
Captain Jack: Perch, bass.
Dwight: You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard…
Captain Jack: I haven’t heard that, Dwight.
Dwight: If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, and you can count on me.
Captain Jack: That’s good to know, Dwight. Thanks.
Michael: Your problem now, Captain Jack.
Ryan: At home, not on a boat?
Michael: Flash cards.
Ryan: Flash cards. Doesn’t really help me right now because I’m on a boat.
Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.
Michael: That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let’s, uh,… Let’s rock. Let’s rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay… I’m hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?
Creed: Do you want me to give it a shot? Just…
Michael: You know what? I don’t think it’s in…
Michael: That’s not in tune. I don’t know if you can…
Creed: I don’t know, let’s try.
Michael: …make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don’t know. It is a defective ax, my friend.
Creed: All right.
Michael: Good luck.
Creed: Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well]
Angela: I think you’ve had enough.
Darryl: What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right.
Roy: Yes, I have. [kisses Pam]
Roy: Should have done it a long time ago.
Pam: Yes, you should have.
Roy: I do what’s right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe.
Pam: Love you.
Jim: No, I really don’t want to.
Katy: Jim, come on, don’t be shy.
Katy: Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on…
Michael: Yeah! Toast!
Katy: Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!
Roy: Come on.
Jim: Thanks, Katy. Um, didn’t really prepare anything to say. We’re all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she’s awesome. And…
Dwight: Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution?
Michael: That’s my line! That’s my line, That’s… I always say that at weddings. So I’ll just think of something else to say. I… [band starts playing]
Stanley: [storms out of Michael’s office] Well, we’re not going to Florida.
Phyllis: Oh. Someplace with a pool, then?
Stanley: [gives Phyllis a look]