Written by Michael Schur
Directed by Charles McDougall
Michael: Here we are.
Dwight: Go. Push!
Michael: Oh god.
Michael: No, no, turn it around.
Dwight: Really shove it.
Michael: You’ll break it.
Dwight: Shove it through! Break it!
Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don’t break the branches, Dwight.
Michael: All right.
Dwight: I got a splinter.
Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?
Dwight: I’ve got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.]
Michael: Merry Christmas!
Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?
Michael: A, that’s what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That’s what Christmas is all about.
Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
Angela: We’ll see.
Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
Pam: You do realize that we can’t serve liquor at the party.
Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.
Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck.
Kevin: Do we have one?
Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.
Michael: You wanna be Santa?
Michael: Have you ever seen Santa?
Darryl: Yeah, I’ve seen Santa.
Darryl: Who cares?
Michael: Well, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work.
Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf.
Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features.
Jim: I think I did a pretty good job.
Michael: Yeah? Who did you have?
Jim: Well, I can’t tell you cause it’s a secret.
Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Jim: Well, there’s a $20 limit, right? So .. ?
Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
Jim: That’s great. Well don’t tell me who it is, cause I can ..
Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
Stanley: I know how to plug something in.
Dwight: I want to do it.
Michael: All right, let’s count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree]
Michael: Not great.
Phyllis: I’m sorry, everybody.
Pam: I think the tree looks nice.
Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let’s do Secret Santa.
Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat.
Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me.
Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ..
Dwight: Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Let’s keep it moving on. Jim.
Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag]
Creed: That’s from me.
Jim: Great. Where did you get it?
Creed: I don’t know. It was so long ago.
Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It’s awesome.
Jim: There’s a little more to it.
Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present]
Michael: No, don’t!
Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod.
Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
Ryan: Wasn’t there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Michael: You don’t know that.
Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on.
Michael: I did?
Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn’t matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on.
Phyllis: I knitted it for you.
Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]
Dwight: We don’t do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person’s gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else’s gift or choose a new gift.
Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael: Well, I call it fun!
Oscar: Why are we doing this?
Michael: Because it’s better. Because it’s more special.
Angela: It sounds mean.
Michael: Shut it. No, it’s not. Okay, just give it a shot.
Meredith: I’ll take the teapot.
Jim: Oh, shouldn’t we … I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael: Yankee Swap! That’s what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam: I’ll take the iPod.
Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don’t have a choice?
Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.
Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift – a nameplate saying ‘Kelly’] That was meant for Kelly.
Ryan: Yeah, I figured.
Michael: I think this is going great.
Toby: Well, it’s for Angela, so ..
Kelly: That’s like, the creepiest thing that I’ve ever seen.
Dwight: Angela, you’re up.
Angela: I’ll take the poster. Some people like these.
Kelly: I will steal the iPod.
Oscar: I’ll take the … teapot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let’s go.
Meredith: I really want the iPod.
Dwight: It’s already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It’s beautiful.
Meredith: I’ll take the oven mitt.
Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes!
Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod.
Kevin: I want the foot bath.
Pam: I want the iPod.
Kelly: Damn it.
Jim: Sure you don’t want the teapot?
Pam: Well, I mean, it’s an iPod. But ..
Pam: Sorry, I ..
Jim: No. No. Definitely. It’s ..
Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.
Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim: Got to be kidding me.
Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it’s a success and I’m the one who ended up with Dwight’s stupid paintball pellets.
Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
Michael: Well, I didn’t. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
Oscar: You got a bonus check?
Pam: How much?
Michael: It wasn’t. It wasn’t that much. It was $3,000.
Stanley: All right, I’m done now.
Michael: All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.
Dwight: No trades.
Jim: Come on, it’s a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight: “A real man makes his own luck.” Billy Zane. Titanic.
Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight: No. I want it. I’m going to use it.
Jim: You don’t even drink tea.
Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..
JIm: Okay ..
Dwight: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]
Pam: I know. It’s totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don’t have to. I’m gonna save a ton of money.
Pam: So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy: I don’t know. Probably like, a sweater or something.
Angela: What is that?
Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Meredith: We can drink?
Toby: We’re really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it’s a party. Come on. If I can’t throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Meredith: Me. Please.
Michael: Go, here we go!
Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I’m done.
Roy: It’s possible. I can’t believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.
Darryl: I had to. I needed defense.
Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He’s the best back in the league.
Darryl: It’s defense.
Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it.
Darryl: It is worth it.
Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait.
Ryan: We’re running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Angela: There should be some ..
Michael: No, no, no, no. We’ll find some, don’t leave the party.
Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Ryan: Oh, no.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan: I really did not do anything.
Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.
Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]
Jim: But ..
Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..
Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
Jim: I didn’t think you were going to get that one. I really didn’t.
Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn’t go to Ryan, you are the guy I’d want it to go to.
Dwight: Thank you.
Michael: You’re welcome.
Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!
Michael: No way. Oh, you’re kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Todd Packer: [rapping] What’s up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]
Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky.
Michael: Oh, let’s fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby’s gonna fix you up.
Darryl: That’s okay, Mike.
Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Darryl: All right. Thanks, man.
Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas.
Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that?
Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing?
Kelly: I don’t know.
Dwight: You shouldn’t do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We’re going to Poor Richard’s. Who’s in?
Oscar: I’m in.
Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard’s?
Michael: Yeah, that sounds good.
Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let’s head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Oscar: Towards me. That’s good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I’m good. I’m good, I’m good.
Creed: Okay, okay. [gasping]
Dwight: Okay, well, you didn’t tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list.
Pam: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Do I look like I’m kidding? [Pam shakes her head ‘no’] Phyllis, stag, I assume.
Phyllis: I’m bringing someone.
Pam: Just let us open up the presents, Dwight.
Dwight: Absolutely… not.
Michael: Well, thank God you didn’t steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn.
Oscar: I’ll take the tea pot.
Meredith: Damn it.
Kelly: So, I guess, you really didn’t want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea.
Oscar: No, I just like tea.
Oscar: Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower.
Oscar: I guess I’ll take the last gift. Cool.
Pam: It was supposed to be for Meredith, ’cause she said she likes my drawings.
Meredith: Thanks. I wish I could’ve had it. Do you wanna trade?
Michael: Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]
Kelly: Yes, totally, ’cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway.
Toby: Really? You were gonna throw out a book?
Kevin: [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah.
Toby: Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed’s old coat out of a bag] Sorry.
Ryan: I didn’t want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy.
Ryan: Yeah, Christmas.
Creed: Your shower radio.
Oscar: You like music at least?
Creed: I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the ’70s.
Oscar: You’re kidding. What was your DJ name?
Creed: Whacky-weed Creed.