Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Greg Daniels
Jim: No. They’re in the conference room.
Pam: Wait, are those Michael’s Levis?
Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?
Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody’s really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals…
Michael: I changed it. To Chili’s.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, “Oh, I’m doing business at the Radisson”. It’s kind of snooty. So.
Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael: Here’s the thing. Chili’s is the new golf course. It’s where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan: It said that.
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What is going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Ok, that’s a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Umm… it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it’s not your fiance. [laughs]
Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.
Jan: Michael, shouldn’t take more than an hour.
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don’t get very much work done when I’m not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That’s not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I’m not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we’re gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn’t matter, it’s an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios!
Michael: Uh, I’ll drive.
Jan: Oh, no, that’s alright. I wanna leave straight from there.
Michael: It’s just a couple blocks away, so… boy, you really don’t know Scranton, do you?
Jan: I know Scranton.
Michael: At all!
Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Jan: If it’s a couple blocks away-
Michael: Dar de dar.
Jan: Why would we need a signal?
Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael: Well, I… it could be either of us.
Jan: You’re gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan: Just Jan Levinson.
Michael: No Gould?
Jan: No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian: No, not long.
Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened?
Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I’m so sorry. Excuse me.
Michael: Wow, you’re kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?
Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?
Michael: When did this happen?
Jan: We’re in a meeting.
Hostess: This way, please.
Michael: Alright, after you.
Christian: Thank you.
Michael: [mouths “Wow” to the camera]
Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-
Michael: Awesome blossom.
Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Michael: Ok, it’s done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it’s done.
Michael: I heard a-
Jan: If you have a-
Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Jan: Christian, you don’t have to listen to this.
Christian: It’s ok, I like jokes.
Jan: Just the one.
Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it’s just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm… let’s see… choo choo choo.
Michael: Pam, it’s Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam: Ok. There’s a transcript between a naval ship-
Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam: Sure. There’s a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn’t really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that’s funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
Everyone: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Alright, let’s get this started. I’m gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Phyllis: That’s the character’s name?
Jim: Oh yeah-
Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight: You took something that doesn’t belong to you.
Dwight: Brought it in here-
Jim: Do you want to play-
Dwight: Made copies of it-
Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can’t match.
Christian: Well, we are out to save money.
Jan: What’s the bottom line?
Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
Jan: I don’t think Christian has time for that.
Christian: I have time.
Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]
Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Michael: [singing] Chili’s baby back ribs…
Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages.
Dwight: Not now!
Phyllis: They’re important.
Dwight: Ok, what are they?
Phyllis: First message is: “I love you”. That’s from me.
Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy]
Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Roy: [looks around conference room] You’re joking right?
Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow!
Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan: I forget it, brutha.
Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you’re disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who’s Dwigt?
Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Dwight: Uh, you don’t speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Jim: That’s actually a good idea. We’ll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry?
Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael: Oh, so you’re not gonna play? She’s not playing.
Christian: It’s not fair.
Michael: She’s not playing the game.
Jan: We’d been fighting for a while-
Michael: Check please.
Jan: He didn’t want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian: You didn’t.
Jan: I was stupid.
Michael and Christian: No.
Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian: That’s right.
Michael: You know?
Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael: It’s true.
Christian: You said “World, this is my blood! It’s red, just like yours. So love me!”
Pam: For the bugs.
Jim: Nice. That’s excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam: Yes… nice! I can’t remember the last time someone made me dinner.
Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin’. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It’s home, you know? I know the challenges this county’s up against. Here’s the thing about those discount suppliers. They don’t care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we’re all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian: I know.
Michael: It’s bad.
Christian: It’s terrible.
Michael: It, you know what, it really is.
Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh]
Christian: I don’t know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they’re expecting me to make cuts.
Michael: Well, corporate’s gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
Pam: What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim: Travel. I’ve been looking forward to it. It’s gonna be… really nice. Gonna find myself.
Pam: [points to Jim’s iPod] You have new music?
Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely.
Jan: Bye… thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!
Michael: We did it!
Jan: We got it!
Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let’s go.
Jan: Let’s go.
Michael: Goin’. Ok. Where we goin’? Doesn’t matter. Goin’ to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould.
Dwight: Did you do her?
Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
Dwight: And she is your boss.
Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don’t think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all?
Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam: Oh, I don’t know… [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan’s cell.
Jim: No way.
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Pam: Oh, really?
Pam: Why might some say that?
Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.
Pam: Uh hmm.
Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael’s movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam: We didn’t dance.
Jim: You’re right, we didn’t dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.
Pam: Swaying isn’t dancing.
Jim: Least I didn’t leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam: I have some faxes to get out.
Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I-
Michael: Doctor David Friendly’s Egg Yolk Diet. It’s, it’s kind of unique. It’s just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don’t just have the egg yolks, it’s not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it’s just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don’t even, I don’t even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It’s perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this… I, well, the melon baller was my idea.
Michael: [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?
Michael: Uh huh.
Jan: And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I’ve also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m.
Michael: I have a conflict with that.
Jan: What do you mean?
Michael: Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies.
Jan: Michael. I need you to take this seriously.
Michael: I can’t get out of it!
Michael: Ok, alright.
Jan: Are you hearing me?
Michael: I’m hearing you, meeting confirmed.
Jan: This is a very important-
Michael: Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.
Jan: [sighs] I’ll see you in ten minutes.
Michael: 42897. Ok.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I don’t know, I think I was just staring at my desk.
Jim: Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go.
Pam: Yeah, do you mind leaving?
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: It’s very important.
Jim: Uh hmm.
Pam: Thank you.
Stanley: I’m sorry, Phyllis. No, I don’t think they’ll get the account.
Dwight: A kick and a chop are two totally different things.
Jim: Well, it’s just a movie, Dwigt.
Dwight: It doesn’t make any sense.
Oscar: Yeah, now it doesn’t make any sense.
Ryan: Don’t jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes!
Jim: Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head.
Pam: Oh! So close to retirement.
Jim: Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute.
Ryan: Is that it?
Jim: Yup, I guess so.
Phyllis: Does he die?
Pam: I sincerely doubt it.
Angela: I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie.