Written by Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Jim: That is weird.
Dwight: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Jim: Ok, well, you’re the one who lost the desk.
Dwight: I didn’t lose my desk.
Jim: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight: Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim: I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Jim: Colder… warmer… little warmer… there you go, ooh, warmer… warmer… warmer… warmer… warmer … cold, cold, cold, back up… ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Dwight: [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute.
Jim: [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Dwight: Jim, I’ve given you this information, like, twenty times.
Jim: I know.
Dwight: It’s by the ream?
Jim: Uh, yeah, ream.
Dwight: …now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Jim: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Dwight: Wash your hands, Kevin.
Dwight: [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it’s Sempai…
Jim: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I’m going to uh, find it and then I’ll call you back, thanks.
Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques-… Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Jim: Was that your mom?
Dwight: No, that was my Sensei.
Jim: Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim: Assistant to the Sensei, that’s pretty cool.
Dwight: Assistant Sensei.
Pam: I don’t really have any control over that Stanley.
Ryan: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Michael: Uhh, yes, I did, here’s the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Ryan: Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael’s office]
Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Pam: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Michael: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.
Pam: It’s just last year you…
Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren’t they Pam?
Pam: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That’s pretty good. Um, actually, I’m sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan: Updating emergency contacts.
Pam: Well, is that really a priority?
Michael: Is it a priority? Oh I don’t know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People’s legs are crushed under rubble. “Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can’t because we don’t have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn’t a priority.” Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That’s the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Michael: Catch-22. Yes. Why don’t you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what’s your cell?
Ryan: What’s her address? [Ryan’s cell phone rings]
Jim: 117 Mount Bergin St.
Michael: [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan: Do you mean Neverland?
Michael: This is Tito.
Michael: Calling from… [Ryan hangs up]
Jim: You making this up as you go along, aren’t you?
Pam: I am just following the website.
Jim: Well, at least I don’t have cavities.
Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Ryan: [looks to see who is calling but doesn’t pick up]
Michael: [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan’s attention] Pick up.
Michael: [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.
Dwight: Impossible. The way they’re programmed… You’re mocking me.
Jim: No I’m not.
Dwight: Look, I’m going to offer you a little piece of advice. I’m not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim: Oh, that’s not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don’t ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight’s purple belt]
Dwight: Ok, give that back to me.
Jim: Ok, say please.
Dwight: No. That is not a toy.
Jim: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.
Dwight: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
Pam: Could you practice on the forms?
Jim: Ok, Roy?
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn’t count.
Jim: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, I don’t think that would happen.
Dwight: Because we’re friends.
Michael: Because I would kick his ass.
Jim: Well, Dwight’s a purple belt, so…
Michael: So? I’ve beaten up black belts.
Jim: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I’m just lucky I got out.
Toby: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is ‘Becker’ now.
Toby: You don’t need to write ‘ex’.
Jim: Sounds tough. When you’re a Jet, [starts snapping] you’re a Jet all the way, right?
Michael: You were a Jet?
Angela: Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t’s and dot some i’s. Alright, I’m going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That’s my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.
Jim: I can’t. I just got a manicure.
Michael: Oh, queer… [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That’s a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?
Michael: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented ‘Armageddon’…
Michael: … he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year’s Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.
Michael: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Dwight: Ok, I’ll punch you.
Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Michael: Fuuuaaaahhhhh… oohhhhh!
Michael: Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you.
Pam: I don’t know.
Jim: Ok, I’ll buy you a bag of chips.
Pam: French Onion?
Dwight: [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it.
Michael: [Pam knocks on his door] Go away.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael: I haven’t signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Pam: He’s a purple belt. That’s really high.
Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That’s ridiculous. I could murder him.
Pam: It’s just out there, you…
Michael: Oh, so that’s what they are saying?
Michael: Ok, alright, where is Dwight?
Jim: Uh, Kitchen.
Kelly: Wow, that’s actually pretty cool Dwight.
Dwight: Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Michael: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Dwight: I didn’t sucker punch you, Michael.
Michael: No, Really?
Dwight: In case you remember, I was defending my honor… like a samurai.
Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Dwight: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Dwight: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Michael: You know what? You’re just lucky that we are at work right now.
Jim: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight’s dojo?
Michael: No, they must have class.
Dwight: No, it’s free during the day. It’s fine.
Dwight: I’ve got the key.
Michael: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Any word on those time cards?
Michael: I’ve got an idea: why don’t you leave right now. Why don’t you walk away from the room, ‘kay? Fine. We’ll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.
Ira: Uh, no, it’s not.
Michael: I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Ira: Actually, it’s a symbol for eternal discipline.
Jim: Your love line- I’m just kidding. I can’t see anything.
Pam: Well, look closer.
Jim: [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok.
Pam: Once point for me.
Jim: [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up.
Pam: Oh, you’re dead.
Jim: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.
Pam: Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey…
Dwight: Yes, Sensei!
Michael: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn’t have any rules. Maybe one – no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
Ira: Shi mate!
Dwight: Hiii! [kicks Michael]
Ira: Alright, break.
Michael: What the hell was that?
Ira: Dwight – awarded a point.
Dwight: Eat it!
Michael: Alright, that’s the way you want it.
Dwight: Two more.
Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.
Kevin: Sweep the leg.
Michael: I’m comin’ atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Michael: I got his pants.
Dwight: It was my pants.
Ira: No points for pants.
Michael: Dwight, you have… No, you have something… God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]
Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Ira: Ok, break. Break.
Dwight: No holding.
Michael: You can’t see. You can’t see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]
Dwight: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Michael: Open your mouth.
Dwight: No, Michael!
Michael: [knock at the door] Yeah… uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?
Dwight: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan: Ok, to what?
Dwight: Just put “The Hospital.” Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves]
Michael: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.
Jim: Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam’s desk] Have a good weekend.
Pam: Yeah, you too.
Ryan: I have the emergency contacts.
Michael: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I’ll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?
Ryan: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.
Michael: If you’re doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Ryan: Yeah, alright, I’ll um, see you Monday.
Michael: Alright, bye.
Angela: Michael, did you finish yet?
Michael: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Dwight: I’m busy.
Michael: Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time.
Stanley: Michael, can’t your conversation wait till Monday.
Toby: We want to go home.
Michael: Well, you don’t even have anyone to go home to, Toby.
Pam: The shipping place closes in a half hour.
Michael: I know, but I’ve been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it’d might help me out. What do you say? Let’s gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.
Stanley: I don’t care.
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Michael, I don’t know…
Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn’t be offering it if I didn’t think you could handle it.
Dwight: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Michael: No, no, title change only.
Dwight: I’ll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let’s not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight: Just a formality.
Michael: Absolutely but not really.
Dwight: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael: Yes you do.
Dwight: Thank you, Sensei.
Michael: And, ditto.
Master: Dwight, you can’t use your pager in here, I told you.
Dwight: Okay, I just…
Dwight: It’s a sales call.
Master: Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups!
Dwight: I can… Yes, sensei.
Dwight: No problem.
Jim: I don’t know. He looks pretty scrappy.
Dwight: Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn’t be a fair fight.
Jim: True. Meredith.
Dwight: No women or children. Unless provoked.
Jim: Okay. Roy.
Dwight: Warehouse guy. Doesn’t count.
Jim: Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I don’t think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I’m just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: I’ve never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.
Dwight: You just said it. You just said it.
Michael: No, that’s not how I meant it.
Dwight: Die. You just… You said it.
Michael: Shut up, Dwight.
Oscar: Signed what?
Angela: Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl?
Oscar: Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl.
Kevin: Don’t look at me. [smiles at camera]
Angela: I don’t know why I write my name on things.
Meredith: I’m still recovering from last night. But maybe.
Master: You’re gonna have to take them off. It’s a sign of respect.
Michael: Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin’. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]
Master: Here’s your gear. Please put this on.
Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?
Alyssa: Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight.
Master: [to camera] That’s Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals.
Stanley: Hi, Michael.
Michael: Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn’t much of a fight, actually.
Stanley: No. Are those purchase orders signed?
Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.
Stanley: Huh? What?
Michael: I went medieval on his heinie.
Stanley: Are those purchase orders signed?
Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don’t tell you how to do your job, do I? He…
Stanley: Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don’t get these purchase orders…
Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That’s not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.
Pam: This is what you had Ryan do.
Michael: Yes, under my tutelage.
Pam: Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?
Michael: If you didn’t badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.