Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Paul Feig
Pam: Hey… Happy Halloween. Jan called.
Michael: Ohh… OK.
Sherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson’s office.
Michael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Sherri: Oh, she’s in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Michael: Well, I’m gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it’s best to wait till the end of the day.
Sherri: I just need the name of who you’re planning to let go.
Michael: I don’t know… yet. I will have to call her back.
Sherri: I know she wanted the name.
Michael: Okay… Sherri?
Michael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael: I’ll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri.
Sherri: Hey, I’m still here.
Michael: Okay! I’m sorry.
Sherri: Hanging up now.
Pam: [entering] You wanted me?
Pam: [notices Michael’s costume] Papier-mache?
Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael: Because it’s very scary stuff.
Pam: I think it’s gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael: You’re worried about the party? There’s a man’s life at stake here.
Pam: So it’s a man?
Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance… and who you think deserved to be fired – who would that be?
Pam: I just answer the phone.
Michael: And… sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam: You’re costume is fantastic! [laughs]
Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]
Pam: Oh no, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay…
Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.
Jim: I’m a three hole punch version of Jim. ‘Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis: That’s great!
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Dwight: Yeah, well look… [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?
Phyllis: What are you? A monk?
Dwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Michael: You guys excited about the party?
Michael: It’s gonna be fun.
Michael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy… look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar: What are you implying?
Michael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Angela: You know, I don’t know. We put them all up last night.
Michael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I’ll approve the overages. Sound good?
Michael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I’m going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I’m going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela: But we don’t keep two sets of books.
Michael: Well, that’s not what I’m saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
Kelly: Why is that?
Michael: “Bend It Like Beckham.”
Kelly: Oh, like … the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don’t really play soccer or anything.
Michael: Well, I don’t really have two heads. So…
Jim: Okay, okay…
Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority
Pam: But that doesn’t sound good.
Jim: Okay, okay. Um, how ’bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types]
Jim: Um. He sticks to his guns.
Angela: … that has three people…
Angela: … doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh.
Kevin: Yeah. Oh.
Dwight: Jim. Definitely.
Michael: No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: You’re right, I didn’t even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that’s actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No, not me.
Michael: Yeah… I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I’m not saying that’s what he said.
Dwight: I know that’s what he said.
Michael: [listening to his head] What?
Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: Are you kidding?
Dwight: Quiet, you.
Michael: I agree. He’d land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet.
Pam: No, I made brownies.
Pam: … What?
Angela: I’m just trying to figure out why you’re sabotaging things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.
Dwight: As Assistant Regional Manager…
Stanley: To the.
Dwight: Look! I’ve got some bad news. You’re fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I’m serious, Stanley. It’s over. I’m sorry.
Stanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You’re fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
Dwight: He wouldn’t listen to me
Michael: Ahh, come on.
Dwight: If you want to fire him, you’re going to have to tell him yourself.
Michael: I don’t wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I’m certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just… [waves Dwight away]
Ryan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just…
Oscar: Oh. [fixes his dress]
Jim: Um… it’s in Maryland.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it’s definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe… maybe I will. [starts walking away]
Michael: Oh, God.
Dwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Dwight: And I turned it down.
Michael: What?! That would’ve solved all my problems.
Dwight: Out of loyalty to this company…
Michael: Oh, you idiot.
Dwight: … so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael: If you left, I wouldn’t have to fire anybody.
Dwight: But then you wouldn’t have me here.
Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would’ve worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Dwight: It’s in Maryland.
Michael: You can call. Can you call ’em?
Dwight: I can’t. I… I suppose I coul… no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Michael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim’s talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?
Jim: Um… yes.
Michael: Help. Me.
Jim: I’m sorry?
Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael: No, no, no. That’s just the first thing… came… in head.
Jim: We should switch seats in order to…
Michael: Yes, that’s a good idea.
Jim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I’m really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it’s purely budgetary. It’s not personal…
Michael: Aaaahh! I’m gonna kill myself!
Michael: I’m going to kill myself, and it’s your fault!
Jim: That’s an overreaction.
Michael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they’re saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Jim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you…
Michael: I… this is Creed.
Michael: I’m improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]
Jim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Michael: And I’m very angry, and I want…
Jim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here.
Michael: I’m gonna kill you. I’m going to kill you for firing me.
Jim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth…
Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just… yeah.
Jim: It wasn’t me.
Pam: Oh. That was like crazy. ‘Cause I was…
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Could I talk to you for a second?
Creed: What are you telling me?
Michael: I… we’re gonna have to… You… you want something better.
Creed: No, I don’t. I wanna stay right here.
Michael: No, you wanna leave.
Creed: No, I wanna stay here.
Michael: Why… why are you making this so hard?
Creed: Um, I think there’s a misunderstanding, Michael.
Michael: I think you’re right.
Creed: Can I go?
Michael: No, of course you can’t go. We haven’t even started this horrible process of… okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you’re a great guy, and I like you, you’re… you’re, goodbye.
Creed: Let’s fight it.
Creed: Let’s call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Michael: What old days? What are you talking about?
Creed: Did you start the paperwork yet?
Michael: It’s right here on the desk, yeah.
Creed: You don’t have to do this, Michael.
Michael: I can’t, I can’t…
Creed: Undo it!
Michael: I can’t change anything. This is the way…
Creed: No, you have the power to undo it.
Michael: I don’t… okay, just listen.
Creed: Michael, undo it!
Creed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He’s terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Michael: Okay, well… I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you’re always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Creed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You’re they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you’d see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You’re a fine man.
Creed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one’s gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
Michael: Well, he…
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.
Michael: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael: Huh. No! I can’t, no. I can’t go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That’s why I’m being fired?
Devon: So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and…
Devon: This is unbelievable!
Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Michael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili’s. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
Devon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I’m going to be at Poor Richard’s. And the rest of you can go to hell!
Angela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party?
Jim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on.
Michael: He… Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
Kid: I’m a bumble bee.
Michael: You look great! And you’re a princess?
Kid: A fairy princess.
Michael: A fairy princess. You’re very… .
Kid: I’m a lion.
Michael: You’re a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your… Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that’s all yours. That’s all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.
Michael: Of course. You’re always working hard.
Michael: Keep it up. And there’s Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do.
Stanley: Something wrong, Michael?
Michael: No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything’s great. Just keep living your lives. Everything’s gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people.
Jim: What’s up, Hef?
Michael: What? What?
Toby: Michael, do you have the name of the employee you’re letting go? I’d like to start working on out-placement.
Michael: Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it’s you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can’t say that I’m sorry. It’s a relief.
Toby: I don’t report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York.
Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you’re not doing your job. Why don’t you just resign?
Toby: They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative.
Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.
Toby: I know, Michael.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office.
Michael: You know what? That’s my foot.
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: Ass, ass, ass…
Michael: You guys…
Vance Refrigeration Worker #2: …ass, ass, ass, ass, ass…
Vance Refrigeration Worker #1: Hi, Mom!
Hank the Security Guard: Who is it?
Michael: I don’t know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?
Hank the Security Guard: Building.
Michael: Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready.
Hank the Security Guard: You’re on your own.
Stanley: Yeah, We’re not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision.
Michael: Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]
Toby: Michael, it’s almost 5:00.
Michael: Leave me alone, okay?
Creed: No, no. I had some, thanks.
Michael: [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?
Creed: Fifteen years, I think.
Michael: Yeah, that’s right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.
Creed: Oh, no. I need the money.
Creed: What do you mean, “Why?”
Michael: It’s just that you never got married and you live in an apartment.
Creed: I don’t know. I got nephews.
Creed: Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?
Michael: Just trying to be your friend.
Creed: Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all.
Michael: Of course, I did. I always… Yes, I do.
Creed: Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?
Michael: Are you pulling my leg or…
Michael: You have no clue why I’ve asked you in here?
Creed: I do not.
Michael: Oh, here we go. This… um, here’s the deal.
Michael: His name was Devon.
Jan: Excuse me?
Michael: The human being man’s name was Devon.
Jan: Devon. The… Oh, is this the man that you…
Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.
Jan: The person that you fired, Michael?
Michael: Yes, it is.
Jan: Is that what you’re… Okay. Oh, you sound a little… A little upset.
Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.
Jan: Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know… I know how hard that was.
Michael: Do you? I don’t think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.
Jan: Well, I’m glad you did it, Michael.
Michael: [talking over Jan] You’re glad?
Jan: And so, good job. Good job.
Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?
Jan: Yeah. Good job.
Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I’m gonna give myself a pat on the back.
Jan: [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes.
Michael: There. I’m doing it. Right there. Great.
Creed: You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael’s really incredible at making decisions.
Michael: [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
Dwight: Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.
Michael: You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved.