Written by Michael Schur
Directed by Paul Feig
Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?
Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don’t you take a couple hours. The office is yours. “Home Alone,” “Risky Business.” Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ryan: I’m just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.
Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.
Dwight: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they’d throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People’d obey the law, there’d be less troublemakers.
Pam: Sometimes when he’s not here, I try to throw stuff in it.
Jim: No way. Let’s do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh.
Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Jim: Perfect. [misses]
Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Dwight: Uh huh.
Michael: Sign the papers at the condo.
Dwight: You have your lawyer there?
Michael: Uh, I don’t need one.
Dwight: Can I be your representative?
Michael: I don’t need a representative.
Dwight: I think I should be there.
Michael: No, No.
Dwight: I’m good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Michael: No. Dwight. I’m fine.
Dwight: Please, I’m always the guy you rely on at work.
Michael: Well, this isn’t about work. This is closing on a condo, it’s completely personal.
Dwight: So you’re taking a personal day?
Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Dwight: Please, I’ll make you proud.
Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight: Yes! As your representative?
Michael: As my associate.
Dwight: Same thing.
Michael: No it is not.
Pam: You headed out?
Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don’t you have everybody work on their expense reports and I’d like them in by the end of the day.
Michael: Very good.
Pam: Have a great time.
Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael: Good. The Small Business Man?
Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
Pam: [shakes head]
Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don’t just read Cracked. Thank you.
Michael: Ok. See you soon.
Michael: I don’t know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down.
Michael: What? No, Dwight. It’s fifty degrees outside. Don’t… please…
Dwight: But then no one can see us.
Michael: I… Just… Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator.
Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Oscar: Yeah. It’s a terrible system, I know.
Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean?
Jim: Wait a minute, what is this?
Oscar: It’s a scoreboard.
Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael’s out.
Kevin: Or when we’re bored.
Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.
Kevin: We’re bored a lot.
Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Kevin: We call it Hate Ball.
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.
Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin: Sometimes we play “Who can put the most M&M’s in their mouth?”
Angela: You play that.
Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.
Dwight: Which one’s yours?
Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back… wait… [turns around] no, it’s this one, right here. Home, sweet home.
Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He’d always get rolled over by something.
Bill: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Nice to meet you too.
Dwight: This is smaller than your old place.
Michael: Yeah, small. I’m buying it and I’m not renting it. So, it’s still an upgrade. He doesn’t know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.
Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.
Bill: It’s very safe. It’s very clean. Also, it’s very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carol: It’s a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: Oh. Good. That’s good. It’s good to be accommodating of that.
Dwight: Let’s go check out the master bedroom.
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It’s called “work hard so my kids can go to college.”
Jim: Fair enough.
Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea.
Michael: I’m putting my bed right over here.
Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.
Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee.
Dwight: Warrantees don’t cover it, plus they’re a rip-off.
Michael: Well then I won’t get a warrantee.
Dwight: Shh Shh.
Michael: So that’s the problem, is solved. What?
Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.
Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they’re also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.
Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael: Uh… Ten year.
Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.
Michael: What? Wha? You said ten.
Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.
Dwight: Ho, thirty years.
Michael: Ok, ok, ok.
Dwight: Wow, you’ll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.
Dwight: Forget about retiring when you’re 65. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that’s where the nurse can live.
Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Dwight: Well, this is it.
Carol: Whenever you’re ready.
Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
Carol: Actually yes.
Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.
Michael: Um. I’m going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Dwight: We’ll be here waiting for you.
Michael: Oh, man.
Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]
Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.
Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.
Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.
Phyllis: I’ll do it.
Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk.
Michael: …know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and…
Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carol: Who told you that?
Michael: As far as I can tell, I’m the best-looking person here.
Michael: No, no, no.
Carol: That’s some extra income for you.
Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs]
Pam: Go! Go! Go!
Oscar: Pair of shoes!
Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It’s Phyllis!
Pam: It’s Phyllis!
Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
Dwight: You didn’t have to…
Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you’ve really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.
Michael: I’m thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we’ll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you’re, you know, you’re gone.
Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It’s a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.
Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Angela: I’m sure.
Pam: Come on Angela, don’t you have a game?
Angela: I have one, yes.
Pam: Well, let’s play, what is it?
Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Pam: We’re friends.
Jim: Very nicely done. I think that’s H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.
Michael: We take separate cars.
Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael: Why would we do that?
Dwight: Just for fun?
Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I’m sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I’m … Ok.
Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan: I did.
Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal.
Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Pam: Automatic voicemail.
Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work!
Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet]
Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it.
Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight: People love beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight: Everybody loves beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I’d love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.
Dwight: Let’s get this roof going.
Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight’s arm]
Crowd: Go! Go! Go!
Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys?
Dwight: What is going on?
Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer’s still going? Er?
Dwight: That’s my stopwatch.
Pam: I have 59 voicemails.
Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?
Jim: Okay, today. 5 o’clock. Closing Ceremonies.
Jim: Notify the athletes.
Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What’s going… What’s going on?
Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It’s very cool. It’s a three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Michael: You know.
Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.
Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You’re on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]
Michael: I don’t really know what to say. Um, I’m not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.
Michael: Get up here, Dwight.
Dwight: Silver medal.
Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim: Um… ‘Cause your condo’s in America.
Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves.
Jim: Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It’s important, so…
Pam: Okay. What? What is this?
Jim: I found Dwight’s wallet in the parking lot.
Pam: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
Jim: I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don’t know what to do. What do you think?
Pam: I know. I know what to do.
Jim: Okay, what?
Pam: Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it.
Dwight: What did you do to it?
Dwight: I’m serious. What did you do to it?
Pam: Dwight, I swear, we didn’t do anything.
Dwight: Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel… card.
Kevin: All right.
Angela: It’s not an office expense.
Kevin: Yes, thank you.
Angela: Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket.
Oscar: Remember last year he slipped by with “Stripes.” He rented “Stripes,” he had it for a week.
Oscar: And that got through, so maybe he’s thinking he can do that from now on.
Kevin: Please, please. Please.
Michael: Oh, okay. I’ll tell you. Let’s see here. Three bedroom, two bath…
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Nice.
Michael: …contemporary townhouse. Two car parking…
Dwight: [talking over Michael] Yes.
Michael: …wall-to-wall carpets…
Dwight: [talking over Michael] God, what a steal.
Michael: …all fixtures included. Yes, this is… This is looking good.
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it does.
Dwight: Have you seen it?
Dwight: Does it have a deck?
Michael: I think it has a… Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck.
Pam: Okay. How about skeet Schruteing?
Jim: Did you just come up with that?
Jim: That is good. That’s it. That’s what it is.
Pam: Thank you.
Jim: Wow. [cup tinkles]
Pam: Oh, oh.
Jim: Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam.
Dwight: It’s time.
Michael: Are we ready?
Dwight: That’s it.
Michael: Are we gonna do it?
Dwight: Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.
Michael: Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station.
Dwight: Same thing.
Dwight: Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.
Michael: Oh, anything bad?
Dwight: Two charges of loitering,
Dwight: one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.
Dwight: Do you own a gun?
Dwight: I’d think about it.
Michael: I don’t need a gun.
Michael: Hello! How are you? I’m, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we’re going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what’s the vibe? What’s the vibe of this place?
Man: Uh, I don’t know. It’s pretty quiet.
Michael: Oh… That’s gonna change. [laughing]
Michael: Because I loves to party and I’m gonna be partying my butt out at this place.
Man: Okay, but there’s an 11:00 noise curfew.
Dwight: Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott’s associate.
Man: Who is Mr. Scott?
Dwight: Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?
Michael: Here’s a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool.
Toby: Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball…
Toby: …and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape.
Jim: Oh, okay. Oh, do… that’s what the tape is for. I didn’t know.
Toby: Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left.
Michael: Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?
Carol: Hello, hi. Hey, Michael.
Michael: Good to see you.
Phyllis: What do you mean?
Jim: Um, like stapler tennis or something like that.
Dwight: Seal it off.
Michael: What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?
Dwight: Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.
Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight.
Dwight: Seal it off with drywall so you don’t hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.
Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids’ room.
Dwight: Kids? You don’t even have a girlfriend.
Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I’m gonna get married and I’m gonna have kids.
Dwight: Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?
Michael: I’m not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.
Dwight: Just a possibility.
Michael: No, it’s not. Just shut up.
Dwight: If you fall in love with her.
Michael: You’re an ass. Shut it.
Dwight: I smell mold.
Michael: No, you don’t.
Michael: This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks.