Written by B.J. Novak
Directed by Ken Kwapis
Michael: Any emails today?
Jim: Um… I don’t think so.
Michael: No? Um… Check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh! There it is!
Jim: Um… ‘Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.’
Michael: [laughs uncontrollably]
Jim: Well done.
Michael: That’s funny! That’s funny. Not offensive. Uh… because it’s nature. Educational.
Dwight: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael: Um, I…
Dwight: Consider it?
Michael: Yeah… maybe. Maybe. Well, we’ll see. Because I… I don’t know if it’s… [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!
Michael: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer: [makes laser gun noises]
Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What’s up, Halpert?
Michael: Uh oh.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don’t know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here’s the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer: We’re talking blonde incompetent.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute… talking.
Michael: Well, to be fair… blondes, brunettes, you know, there’s a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer: They are women, right?
Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn’t say it! I didn’t say it!
Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Michael: Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um… Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]
Todd Packer: [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let’s go.
Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: Except pass that breathalyzer.
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Pam: You are?
Jim: Oh yeah?
Jim: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
Michael: Forward it like it’s hot. Forward it like it’s hot. “Old School”.
Michael: Yes, Toby?
Toby: Um… I need to talk to you in your office. It’ll just take two seconds.
Michael: Um… literally two seconds?
Michael: No, no, Toby. No.
Toby: It’s really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael: It is a big deal. It’s a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer…
Toby: Just to refresh you… .
Toby: on our policy.
Michael: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s a joke.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I’ll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can’t wait to see how you handle it.
Darryl: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael: Um, yeah, no, well… I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl: Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where’d you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy: Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy: Oh!
Michael: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know… a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the… good thing you don’t have a lot of business to start with.
Michael: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy: Hey, hey, hey.
Roy: So you don’t have the biggest package. Don’t feel bad.
Michael: I don’t feel bad.
Darryl: [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad.
Michael: No, I don’t.
Roy: You look like you feel bad.
Roy: Little package!
Michael: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package!
Michael: Thank you.
Roy: You look good.
Darryl: Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys: [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]
Pam: Um… I just wanted to say that… Just, my Mom’s coming in today.
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.
Toby: Great point.
Pam: Thank you.
Toby: Um… in fact, basic rule of thumb, let’s just act everyday like Pam’s Mom’s coming in. All right. That’s it. Um… if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
Michael: Hi, is it over?
Toby: Uh, yes!
Toby: I can go over it with you.
Michael: I know, I know. It’s good. It is not over. It is not over til it’s over.
Toby: It’s over.
Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn’t because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we’re losing? Seriously?
Angela: Email forwards.
Michael: Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you’ll have bad luck.
Michael: Give me a break. Umm… Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl’s outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls’ school. I am taking it down right now.
Meredith: Um… what about office romance?
Toby: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let’s just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Michael: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn’t that hot.
Michael: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby: Ok, you know, Michael…
Michael: What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be…
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby: Okay, I’m lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then let’s act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be… Okay! We’ll use the doll. Pam. Pam?
Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um… we have to watch, uh, Toby’s video that he’s showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim: No, thanks. I’m good.
Michael: That’s what she said. Pam?
Pam: Uh… my mother’s coming.
Michael: That’s what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but… Okay. Well, suit yourself.
Toby: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Dwight: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Dwight: Good. Good. And…
Toby: I should get back to work.
Video: [Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead]
Roy: Natural redhead.
Actor: Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl: Oh, Mi… ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That’s that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is…
Roy: That’s her?
Darryl: Yes, this is the one.
Darryl: You remember? Yes!
Roy: At the party?
Warehouse guy: You banged her?
Darryl: Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
Michael: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we’re watching that Corporate gave us… Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
Pam: I don’t have any DUI’s so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude’s thong? Probably.
Mr. O’Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael: Well, it’s probably because you don’t get ’em.
Michael: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can’t say anything.
Jan: Well, that… that’s true in a way. You can’t say anything.
Michael: Where’s the line? Where’s the line, Jan.
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I’ve seen the video.
Toby: [to Jan] He talked the whole time.
Michael: No, I didn’t. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]
Jim: Does that include ‘That’s What She Said’?
Michael: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…
Michael: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael: [laughing] Come on.
Jan: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael: Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
Jan: Mike… Michael. Please. I… I… really.
Michael: It’s… That’s…
Jan: That’s not my sense of humor.
Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O’Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Michael: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker’s comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: [to Albiny] ‘Scuse me, I’m sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O’Malley is your lawyer.
Jan: Mr. O’Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael: So I’m not in trouble?
Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael: I know. We’ll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
Pam: [ecstatic] Oh my god!
Pam’s Mom: Finally made it!
Pam: Yeah. I’m in charge of this whole area.
Pam’s Mom: Oh, my goodness. That’s great.
Pam’s Mom: Oh, right! I remember…
Pam: But then I moved it.
Pam’s Mom: with the picture.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I uh… I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So…
Pam’s Mom: Sure.
Pam: So this is like, um, an organization station…
Pam’s Mom: [to Roy] Oooooh!
Pam’s Mom: Well, there he is!
Roy: How are ya?
Pam’s Mom: Hi, handsome!
Roy: You look great!
Pam’s Mom: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam: Well, you know… actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it’s okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Pam’s Mom: Oh, I don’t believe that.
Roy: Okay, I’m going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Pam’s Mom: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy: All right, I’ll see ya.
Pam’s Mom: So which one is Jim?
Pam’s Mom: I just wanted to know.
Pam’s Mom: All right. Okay.
Pam: Ten minutes.
Pam’s Mom: Okay.
Pam: Then we can go to dinner.
Pam’s Mom: I’ll make myself busy.
Michael: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?
Michael: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin: Packer said it.
Michael: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I’m the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: I don’t know about that.
Phyllis: We’re in the same High School class.
Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September’s a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There’s a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean where my desk is?
Michael: Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn’t they?
Michael: They didn’t get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C’mere, c’mere, c’mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis: Michael! Come on!
Phyllis: You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to…
Michael: I’m not worried.
Phyllis: …report you to HR.
Michael: You know what? The only thing I’m worried about… is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
Pam: Good morning, Michael.
Michael: What’s going on?
Pam: Nothing. You look nice today.
Pam: You look real thin.
Michael: I don’t get what you mean.
Pam: You just… You look good. Your shirt looks… You look real good.
Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does… Does that mean I’m like thin weird or thin handsome or… [laughing]
Pam: Thin handsome, Michael.
Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]
Jim: What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life.
Oscar: I saw it.
Kevin: You can see her…
Angela: It’s fake.
Kevin: How do you know?
Angela: She wouldn’t do that. She’s a Senator.
Pam: We’re not dating.
Michael: No, but I’m saying hypothetically if we were dating…
Pam: We’re not dating, I’m engaged.
Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.
Pam: I would say no.
Michael: You say yes, and we go out.
Pam: I would drown myself.
Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.
Pam: I know we’re having that harassment thing this afternoon.
Pam: Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick.
Pam: Yeah. I realize that might be harassment.
Jim: Yes, it is harassment and I’m going to be suing the winking face. I’ve hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon.
Jim: Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]