Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Greg Daniels
Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert.
Jim: Oh, I can’t because I keep them hidden. I don’t want to look at them and get cocky.
Michael: Oh, that’s a good idea.
Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
Stanley: I don’t know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Michael: Oh, no you di-int.
Stanley: I think I did.
Michael: W-why did you…
Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Michael: Yes we should. I… you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.
Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! …it’s a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
[Dwight starts playing the tune of “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega on his recorder]
Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing…
[Somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard]
Michael: [in video]…a little bit of Phyllis everywhere…
Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It’s great.
Michael: [on video] …a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers… …a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of…
Phyllis: Live and learn.
Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn’t. I swear.
Kelly: Yeah, it was.
Pam: We’re not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight: So who are we laughing at?
Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote.
Dwight: Who? Dave Barry?
Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies’ room wall.
Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam: Um, it’s kind of private.
Phyllis: [whispering] It’s about Michael.
Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you’ll be punished less.
Pam: Okay, now I’m laughing at you.
Jan: [on speaker phone] It’s a, it’s, it’s a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Michael: Wuh… Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So…
Jan: No, we don’t approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so… we’re not paying for this.
[Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office]
Michael: [to camera] Could you…?
Jan: Are you there Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I’m here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
[Michael closes the blinds]
[The camera tries to find a crack in the blinds]
Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean…
[The camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening]
Michael: …come on, Jan!
[The camera goes to a side of Michael’s office where the blinds are still partially open]
Michael: You’re dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan: Really? I’m dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is…
Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…
Jan: And you had a luau….
Michael: …it happens once every billion years.
Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan: Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense.
Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!!
[The door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis]
Dwight: No, no, no, no…
Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Dwight: …no, no, no, no, it’s not what you think.
Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Dwight: No, why were you in there?!
Phyllis: You are a pervert!
Dwight: What were you doing in there?
Phyllis: You, are, a pervert!
Dwight: I am not.
Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]
[Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim]
[Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed]
Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That’s what I have to say. Ah, Roy’s accepting.
Roy: [on video] Yes.
Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you’d like to say, on Pam’s behalf?
Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we’ll see you next year.
Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
Jim: No, it’s hilarious, you’re right. I just think, um, “world’s longest engagement”, um, we’re all expecting it, you know?
Michael: That’s why it’s funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don’t get married, it gets funnier.
Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.
Dwight: We are going to have two men’s rooms.
Phyllis: But where would we…go?
Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to…
Pam: …Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Michael: Okay, well, that’s just ridiculous, so just don’t, I-I don’t have time for this right now.
Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions…
Michael: Just don’t, don’t talk-
Dwight: …for people’s behavior.
Michael: Don’t talk-
Dwight: And it’s-
Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes!
Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let’s make this the best Dundies ever.
Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever.
[Quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight]
Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I’m not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!
[The music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight]
Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord.
Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we’re going to be doing separate checks.
Stanley: You said, we could bring our families.
Michael: I did. And why didn’t ya Stanley?
Stanley: I did, my wife’s name is Terri.
Michael: Well, I’m looking forward to meeting Terri.
Stanley: It’s this person who’s hand I’m holding Michael.
[Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, “OHHH, YEAHHHH.”]
Dwight: Really? We don’t have any girls from HR.
Michael: No, that…for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off…
Michael: …when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
Michael: No! [under his breath] God.
Roy: Yeah, let’s get out of here.
Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.
Michael: …the “Busiest Beaver” award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
[Everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way]
Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis: This says “Bushiest Beaver”.
Michael: What? I told them busiest…idiots.
Phyllis: It’s, it’s fine.
Michael: Well, we’ll fix it up. You don’t have to display that.
Pam: …because that’s what happens every time!
Roy: …talking about? He’s a jackass every year.
Roy: [Put’s his hand on Pam’s arm] Come on, we’re going to Poor Richard’s.
Pam: [Breaks Roy’s grip] No, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to.
Roy: Pam. Go.
Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I’m gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.
Pam: I’ll just get a ride home from Angela.
Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
[The camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief]
Michael: Right? You know wat I’m talking ’bout.
[Cut to Pam still drinking the beer]
Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The “Hottest in the Office” award goes to… …Ryan the temp!
Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] “Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.” Here you go.
Pam: No, no. ‘Cause the ice melts and then it’s like second drink! [laughs]
Jim: Second drink?
Kelly: “Spicy Curry”, what’s that mean?
Michael: Um, not everything means something, it’s just a joke.
Kelly: Yeah, but why’d you give it to me?
Michael: I don’t know, it’s just…
Kelly: This is a bowler-
Michael: I know. It’s ju- they didn’t have any more businessmen. So…
Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael: Just sit down Kelly.
Guy at bar: Sing it Elton.
Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo’ mama’s house.
Guy At Bar: Sing ’em a song dude.
Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we’re just having a little office party, so if you want, uh…
Michael: [Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
[The guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder]
Guy At Bar: You suck man!
Michael: Let’s cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]
Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I’m just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um…thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the “Don’t Go in There After Me” award. It’s for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So…
Michael: [give Kevin his award]There you go.
Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev.
[More people start clapping]
Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven’t gotten one yet!
Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.
Pam: More Dundies!
Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Everybody: Dundies! Dundies!
Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we’ll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Michael: You know you did.
Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don’t…
[Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh]
Stanley: So, I don’t know what to think about this award. But at least I didn’t get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling]
[Cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realization]
Michael: …I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
[Cut to Jim’s reaction of scared expectation]
Michael: It is the “Whitest Sneakers” award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award.
[Quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder]
Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn’t have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let’s give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.
[Dwight stands up, but nobody claps]
Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.
[Quick cut to Jim, he’s doesn’t know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin]
Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.
[Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding]
Jim: I don’t know, what?
[Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool]
Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk!
Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It’s okay, I’m a sheriff’s deputy.
Jim: He’s a volunteer.
Dwight: Don’t get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Jim: Dwight come on, come-
Dwight: It’s okay, I’m going to use my shirt.
[Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck]
Pam: Dwight, get off me!
[A Chili’s employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt]
Employee: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.
Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can’t-
Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jim: Whoa, careful, careful.
Dwight: Watch your step.
Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn’t a concussion.
Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
Jim: No you don’t.
Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
[Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realizes she’s on camera]
Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.
Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let’s get you home, you’re drunk.
[Jim opens the door for her]
Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.
Michael: What do we know about him? He’s an accountant.
Jim: He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He’s a bowler.
Michael: [talking over Jim] He’s fat. The fat accountant award.
Jim: Well, you seem to have this under control.
Dwight: Michael, I need to talk to you.
Michael: Here he is.
Dwight: I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies’ room wall.
Michael: Really? What did they say? “For a good time, call Michael Scott”?
Jim: Good one.
Dwight: Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe.
Michael: Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why…
Michael: I mean, you just come in and you’re just negative…
Michael: …and you just walk negatively.
Michael: Do you want me to find out what it says?
Dwight: By any means necessary?
Michael: What does that even mean? What are you… What are you talking about?
Dwight: It’s the ladies’ room.
Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don’t tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.
Michael: Thank you. You won’t regret this, Michael.
Jim: What award would you like to give Dwight?
Michael: I hadn’t planned on including him.
Angela: I don’t talk about what goes on in the restroom.
Dwight: I’m not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what’s written about Michael.
Angela: I don’t says those kinds of things out loud. It’s inappropriate.
Dwight: Okay, I’ll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?
Kelly: No, we were just hoping you wouldn’t do those characters, like last time.
Michael: Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He’s my most popular character.
Oscar: I think many people find that character slightly racist.
Michael: Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me.
Oscar: Look, I’m just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits.
Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what… Why do you care?
Dwight: No, no, no.
Phyllis: You can’t be in here!
Dwight: It’s not what you think.
Phyllis: Shut up. You’re a freak!
Dwight: I’m on official business.
Phyllis: You are…
Dwight: This is Dunder Mifflin…
Phyllis: I’m telling Michael.
Dwight: No. Phyllis, you’re not…
Phyllis: I’m telling Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no. No.
Phyllis: Michael, Michael.
Dwight: Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She’s out of her mind.
Phyllis: Dwight was in the ladies’ room and he was looking at me.
Dwight: That is not true.
Phyllis: He was looking at me in the ladies’ room.
Dwight: That’s totally unfair. I was just in the ladies’ room in order to spy.
Michael: Dwight, you’ve hit a new low here.
Phyllis: That’s what I said. He was spying in the ladies’ room.
Dwight: What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, “Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.” I’m not even attracted to you.
Michael: That is a good point.
Phyllis: Write him up or I’ll take it to Jan.
Michael: Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely.
Michael: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you’re in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good.
Phyllis: All right.
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: The Dundies!
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You’re all my homies
Dwight: You know me.
Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?
Dwight: Yeah, you know me.
Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies
Roy: Well. You’re not goona get longest engagement, man, ’cause we got that locked up.
Kevin: I wonder what I’ll get. I brought my fiance.
Michael: He’s hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?
Toby: Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on.
Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.
Toby: It wasn’t a vote. You decided.
Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn’t even about what Ryan thinks. It’s about you. It’s about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.
Toby: Okay, that is not true.
Michael: Yes, it is true.
Toby: ‘Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you.
Michael: Okay, I don’t have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade…
Waitress: We don’t have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino…
Dwight: No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.
Waitress: [shakes head ‘no’]
Dwight: Fosters in the big can.
Waitress: [shakes head ‘no’ again]
Dwight: Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.
Pam: I am fine.
Jim: Dwight, this is crazy.
Dwight: Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move.
Jim: Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight: I’m sorry.
Pam: [laughing] I am fine.
Dwight: Jim, don’t interfere.
Manager: You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Dwight: Can you give me a second, sir.
Pam: Dwight, let me up.
Manager: Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now.
Dwight: I am a Sheriff’s Deputy.
Manager: That’s fine.
Dwight: I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested.
Jim: The other volunteers.
Dwight: Pam, are you all right?
Pam: I’m fine.
Manager: Sir, sir.
Dwight: How many fingers am I holding up?
Pam: You’re holding up three fingers.
Dwight: All right. Are you okay?
Manager: Put your clothes on, right now.
Dwight: I will. I will. You need to calm down.
Manager: Right now.
Manager: You and your party really need to leave right now.
Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili’s?
Manager: You know what? Don’t worry about it.
Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili’s Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.
Manager: That’s fine.