Written by Mindy Kaling
Directed by Amy Heckerling
Transcribed by Susan
Jan: What did I just say?
Michael: You just said, let me uh… check my notes. You just said…
Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!
Jan: I’m not going to do that Michael.
Jan: We’ve created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Uh, huh.
Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.
Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That’s cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan: Uh, yes. Yes you can.
Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that’ve been promoted to…
Jan: No, Michael. No. You can’t win this prize.
Michael: I didn’t mean me!
Michael: It’s illegal. Can’t do that. Next best thing.
Michael: Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That’s just stupid.
Pam: Uh, Michael?
Pam: Hey, there’s a…
Michael: Burger with cheese!
Pam: There’s a person here…
Michael: And fries!
Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead.
Pam: There’s a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.
Pam: Okay, I told her you’d talk to her.
Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I’m busy. So just tell her to go away.
Michael: [exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I’ll talk to her.
Michael: All right girls break it up, you’re being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight: Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael: Don’t say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?
Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you’re like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.
[Pam looks embarassed at Michael – Katy looks sympathetically at Pam]
Michael: Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I’m against violence in the workplace.
Dwight: So am I.
Michael: Nobody cares what you think.
Dwight: Doesn’t matter.
Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don’t allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It’s yours. All day.
Katy: Wow, thanks.
Pam: There’s an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
Michael: Well, lets put ’em in the hallway. Give ’em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.
[Katy unpacks her handbags]
Michael: So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don’t hesitate to ask. I’m right here.
Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
Michael: Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the ‘bucks.
Michael: It’s like a slang for Starbucks. They’re all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don’t have the good stuff here.
Katy: Regular coffee is fine.
Michael: Nah, it’s not. it’s spppplllibbb
Katy: No really it is.
Michael: No, here’s the thing. Y’know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they’re always putting up walls and I’m always tearing ’em down, just breakin’ down barriers, that’s what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?
Katy: Bring it on.
Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.
Kevin: She’s prettier than you though.
Pam: That’s a very rude thing to say, Kevin.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: I have an idea. Why don’t I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?
Katy: Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um…
Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?
Ryan: I’m installing File Share on all the computers.
Michael: Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?
Oscar: I’m on the phone.
Michael: Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
Katy: That was on Sesame Street.
Michael: I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he’d never heard that before he worked here?
Katy: No, I don’t believe that.
Michael: I know, it’s unbelievable.
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O’Hara?
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool. What year were you there?
Michael: Toby’s divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby: A girl.
Michael: Oh that so – that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby’s desk] Oh, she’s cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.
Jim: Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy: Why don’t you get on that?
Jim: She’s not really my type.
Roy: What are you gay?
Jim: Hmmm, I don’t think so. Nope.
Kevin: What is your type?
Jim: [glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.
Roy: That’s disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Roy: [Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn’t dating Pam.
Pam: We’re not dating, we’re engaged.
Roy: Engaged, yeah.
Dwight: Hmmm… she’s been talking to Michael a lot.
Jim: So, what? You’re Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Jim: Well, you know what Dwight? He’s your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss.
Dwight: That’s true.
Jim: Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You’re both um, salesmen. I mean that’s something right there.
Dwight: True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Jim: It’s all gold.
Dwight: What’s that?
Jim: You buy a purse.
Dwight: I don’t want a purse. Purses are for girls.
Jim: Dwight, that’s not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?
Jim: Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them.
Dwight: Like those?
Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
Dwight: Okay, I’m just going to use the bathroom, and then I’m going…
Jim: No. You don’t need the bathroom. You’ve got it. Go.
Jim: [mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name’s Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?
Pam: [mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Jim: Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.
Jim: Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh… This is the prettiest one of all.
Jim: I’m going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?
Pam: Oh, God. It’s sad. It’s so sad.
Jim: [whispering] Here he comes, shhh…
Jim: [gives Dwight a thumbs-up – mouths the word] Good.
Pam: [smiles in agreement]
Jim: He did pick a good one.
Pam: You’re horrible.
Pam: Yeah, what’s that?
Pam: I’m engaged. So…
Katy: Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Pam: I wished, right?
Michael: Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how’s that uh, coffee from earlier?
Michael: Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?
[Pam sheepishly hands Katy the purse and leaves]
Katy: [whispers] Sorry.
Katy: [to Pam] Come back…
Michael: Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones.
Katy: Is that from Starbucks?
Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Katy: Wow. Is that for the office?
Michael: Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not prying this out of my hands, but don’t tempt me because I’ll give it to you!
Katy: I wouldn’t think of it.
Katy: Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.
Michael: Oh, oh! God. I’m sorry. Is there…?
Katy: Oh no, it’s um…
Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Michael: Seriously. No, really.
Katy: No. I really don’t want to inconvenience you.
Michael: God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I’m out of here at five sharp.
Katy: At five?
Michael: I can go earlier. ‘Cause I’m the boss. You know, whatever. I’m out of here slaves.
Katy: Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay.
Michael: Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o’clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Katy: Okay. Cool.
Michael: Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath – looks at camera] Yeah, okay.
Dwight: It’s actually better this way.
Michael: No it’s not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I’m onto—
Dwight: Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it’s against the rules and everything. Because…
Michael: No, no, no it’s not against the rules. She’s not a permanent employee so it’s not.
Dwight: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.
Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
Michael: She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Michael: Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot…
Dwight: Please. Please, I am your inferior and I’m asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?
Michael: No. I cannot promise you that.
Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won’t promise me?
Michael: Listen, Dwight.
Dwight: Do you love her?
Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. I don’t know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]
Katy: Oh, thank you.
Michael: You’re welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office?
Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.
Michael: Very easy to clean.
[Stanley walks out]
Michael: Okay. Like he’s going to win anyway, right? [laughs]
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael: Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin’. Just checkin’, double checkin’, checkin’ on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and…
Pam: So, can I..? [points to the door]
Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?
Jim: He’s a grown man
Pam: That’s what he said.
Jim: That’s sad. Or it’s innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]
Roy: What’s up?
Pam: [not looking at Roy] Hi.
Roy: Are you still mad at me?
Roy: Come on [begins to tickle Pam]
Pam: Cut it out.
Roy: Come on, you mad at me?
Pam: Stop it. [laughing]
Roy: Are you still mad at me now?
Pam: [giggling] Cut it out.
Roy: Are you mad at me now?
Pam: Stop. [giggling]
Roy: Huh? huh? Come on… Come on, Pammy I was just kidding.
Pam: [breathless] Stop, I can’t breathe.
Roy: I was just kidding. You know I didn’t mean it. I can’t…
Angela: I don’t like to necessarily touch things. I’m just… I’m shopping.
Katy: Oh no, it’s fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It’s really uh, kind of festive. It’s got a lot of personality.
Angela: Yeah, uh no.
Dwight: Hey, how’s it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?
Katy: I don’t think so I’m really busy.
Dwight: It will just take a second.
Katy: I can’t.
Dwight: Just for a minute.
Katy: I really can’t.
Dwight: Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Dwight: Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?
[Dejected, Dwight walks out slowly]
Katy: What colors do you like?
Angela: Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.
Michael: Would you like to help me with a special project?
Ryan: I would love to.
Ryan: You don’t want to recycle them?
Michael: Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Ryan: Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]
Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: Uh, what flavor?
Michael: Blue’s not a flavor.
Ryan: It says flavor: Blue Blast.
Michael: Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you.
Jim: I’m Jim, by the way.
Katy: I’m Katy.
Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you.
Katy: You sit out there, don’t you?
Jim: I do. That’s what I’m best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let’s talk about purses.
Katy: Okay, um…
Jim: Katy but you know what, don’t try to sell me one. Okay, seriously ’cause I’m just here to learn.
Katy: Okay. [laughs]
Jim: Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can…
Ryan: No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept.
Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I’m not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.
Ryan: Well, it’s empty.
Michael: Not it’s not, there’s some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out.
Ryan: Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
Michael: That’s over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: [Under his breath] Still.
Pam: I’m bored.
Jim: Thank you for choosing me.
Pam: No, I’m kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?
Jim: Ah, well I think I’m gonna see Katy.
Pam: What are you guys going to do?
Jim: Oh, man I don’t know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam: That’s great.
Jim: And stuff… yeah.
Pam: That’s cool.
Jim: What are you doing?
Pam: I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we’re gonna help Roy’s cousin move.
Pam: ‘Cause Roy’s got a truck.
Jim: That’s cool.
Pam: Uh, huh. Yes.
Jim: That is cool. Well, I’ll see you Monday though, right?
Pam: Okay, I’m gonna head back.
Katy: Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you.
Michael: See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim.
Jim: Goodnight, Michael.
Michael: Where you going?
Jim: I don’t know. Grab a drink, I think?
Michael: With us?
Katy: I uh, I probably should have told you, I don’t need a ride now ’cause Jim can take me home after so you’re off the hook.
Michael: Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Jim: I got this. [taking Katy’s bag from Michael]
Michael: Alright, have fun.
Jim: I got it.
Michael: Don’t drink and drive.
Michael: Take it easy.
Jim: Have a good night.
Michael: You too, have a good night.
Katy: You got that?
Jim: Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it’s lighter.
Katy: Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim: Alright now, I’m gonna warn you. Don’t freak out, okay?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven’t noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay.
Katy: It’s a… it’s a very nice car.
Jim: You’re not going to freak out?
Katy: It’s very popular, yeah.
Dwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof?
Katy: I’m not sure. It’s faux snakeskin.
Dwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I’m betting that it’s waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?
Dwight: ‘Cause I could look it up real easily.
Katy: You’re really into reptiles, huh?
Dwight: My belt’s made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]
Katy: Oh, um, it’s okay.
Michael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that’s it. Keep it in your pants.
Dwight: I was just showing her my belt.
Michael: Well, don’t do that. Where are your glasses?
Michael: He wears glasses. Did you know that?
Dwight: Not all the time.
Michael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]
Katy: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions.
Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.
Katy: We could do that ten years ago.
Michael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn’t and that is amazing. Here’s Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool, what year where you there?
Michael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby’s divorced. God, that’s hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That’ll damage ya. Sorry man. That’s uh, that’s a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can’t even afford anything now, right? You’re all right though, right? Don’t ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup’s a good idea though. That’ll… that’s a good budgetary thing to do.
Toby: It’s just a snack.
Michael: Well, they’re good snacks. They’re good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin’ in the car?
Michael: ‘Cause he slept in the car a couple times.
Toby: Just the once.
Michael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? ‘Cause it was a good idea. ‘Cause it’ll help. It’ll help, man.
Katy: I’m gonna go back to my table.
Michael: Okay. I’ll see you in a bit. [whispering] She’s pretty cute isn’t she? See you in a bit.
Kelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]
Ryan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably.
Jim: Oh, really?
Pam: What do you think his chances are?
Jim: Well, Pam I’m not gonna lie to you, he’s chances are none. Um, he’s 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is “Mambo #5.” So…
Pam: [laughs] I like that song.
Jim: I don’t know though. I mean, you know that was a hit.
Pam: [laughs] 10 years ago.
Jim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high.
Dwight: I think it did.
Jim: You know what, just in case she’s looking you should put some stuff in it.
Jim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup.
Dwight: What else?
Jim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot.
Dwight: It’s a mini-briefcase.
Jim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]
Kevin: ‘Cause I’m in a Steve Miller Tribute… Tribute Band.
Dwight: It’s in my purse.
Jim: Oh, great thanks.
Ryan: What kind do you like?
Michael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.
Ryan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?
Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of ’em.
Ryan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes?
Michael: Mmm hmm. I like ’em.
Ryan: Do you like The Hives?
Michael: Yes. God. They’re awesome.
Ryan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?
Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.
Ryan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those.
Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive.
Michael: All right. This is gonna be good.
Kelly: Uh, thank you.